A porn movie was shot inside a Santa Monica, CA, library recently, largely made up of a woman exposing herself in the aisles.
According to local television station KCBS, the 10-minute clip shows the woman flashing herself outside on the street, then repeatedly in the library, before a quick visit outside a grade school. Needless to say, there's outrage to be had.
"God forbid, a child walked in the library and walked right in on the middle of it. That’s my biggest concern," said Janet McLaughlin, a neighbor, to the television station. "Children don’t need to be exposed to this. If you want to do porn, stick to the hotels."
"The hotels." But I digress.
City officials are aware the video exists, but say it's only a misdemeanor, and that's if they can even figure out who took the video or exposed themselves in the library.
"We have to have laws to stop them from doing things that puts children in harm's way," said McLaughlin.
KCBS reports that McLaughlin was sent the video from another parent that generates revenue by pay-per-click.
It makes one wonder what the other pearl-clutching parent was doing in their spare time to stumble upon the video.
A Sandusky, OH, man decided to spend a Tuesday night relaxing with a few cold beers while watching porn on a computer.
There was a small problem, though. He was at the local library.
According to the Sandusky Register newspaper, at 7:15pm on February 4th, a resident alerted a police officer that they witnessed a man swigging back some beer and watching XXX material. Sure enough, after the office checked on the boozy book-lover, he found opened and unopened cans of Budweiser around the computer--with some extra cans stashed under the desk. Because you never want to run out once the party's started.
In the end, the man was charged with a minor misdemeanor count of having an open container in a public place and banned from the library for 60-days.
That's right. You, too, can go on a quick porn binge at the library and they'll invite you back in a couple months' time.
Professor Chikaodinaka Nwankpa is accused of spending the money on strip clubs, sports bars, and iTunes. The District Attorney's office charged Nwankpa with theft by unlawful taking* and theft by deception, each of which is a felony.
His alleged crimes occurred between 2010 and 2017 and seemed suspicious when an audit showed a number of "no receipt" purchases. When confronted, Nwankpa allegedly passed off his strip club visits as catering and food expenses, although many of the purchases occurred between midnight and 2am. But who doesn't get the late night munchies sometimes, amiright?
Of the $185,000, Nwankpa allegedly used $96,000 on "adult entertainment" and sports bars, while $89,000 was spent on iTunes, various meals, and other additional purchases. So, with that iTunes catalog, he has a future side-hustle as a wedding DJ.
Drexel placed Nwankpa on administrative leave pending the investigation, but he later resigned. A preliminary hearing is scheduled for January 29th.
*Isn't "theft by unlawful taking" sort of redundant? Theft is literally taking something unlawfully--no? Can you commit theft by taking stuff lawfully? Just sit there and grab something and promise you might bring it back? Why haven't we been told this before??
Here we'll occasionally dive into mugshots of the criminally-inclined writers who found themselves in the big house. Crime doesn't pay, although literature does sometimes.
Today: Nelson Algren
Someone had a tough night.
The name might not be as famous as Ernest Hemingway or Virginia Woolf, but Nelson Algren's literary star burned brightly for a while. His most famous work was his 1949 novel The Man with the Golden Arm, about a man spiraling into morphine addiction, which won the 1950 National Book Award and was later made into a 1955 movie starring Frank Sinatra.
If the image of Frank Sinatra as a junkie is throwing you off, so might the idea of a writer getting caught up with the police. But Nelson Algren went to the slammer...twice. Because if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
The first dalliance with crime occurred when Algren was a wannabe drifter after college in the 1930s. Struggling for a career as a writer, he moved to Texas, where he held a series of odd jobs, including pumping gas and a salesman. From there, the facts of the story are vague, but in either 1933 or '34, Algren stole a typewriter and was promptly arrested. Listen, those National Book Awards aren't going to just write themselves.
In 1967, Algren went to the cooler again. This time it was for marijuana possession. Shockingly, people in the late 1960s smoked a bit of the devil's lettuce. Ever the criminal mastermind, Algren somehow was caught. This time, charges were dropped quickly and all we have left of the incident is Algren's mugshot, which channels all the mystique of someone outside of a 7-11 convenience store at 3am.
Oh, by the way, while we're on the topic. Frank Sinatra? He was once arrested, too. His crime? Seduction.
That's the face of seduction, baby!
Yes, that's actually the crime, which was once illegal. In 1938, a 23-year old Frank Sinatra was arrested in Bergen County, NJ, for seduction of a single woman. The 1930s were a heady time of hedonism, and Old Blue Eyes apparently wooed someone he shouldn't have. The crime of seduction involved sexual intercourse with a single woman with the promise of marriage and then reneging on the deal.
Sinatra was quickly released after police determined the woman was actually married. Small mistake! Yet, that led to Sinatra being arrested again, this time after the first charges were revised and he was charged with adultery. No one ever said New Jersey made sense.
Like Algren, charges were eventually dropped against Sinatra.
Thus, this ends the lamest crime log you'll ever read.
Some Famous Writer Once Lived Here is where we check out cities or towns that--you guessed it--a famous writer once lived. Picture the illegitimate lovechild between the US Census report and a tourist pamphlet from a local chamber of commerce. What's it like there today? Here's where we find out.
Today: Ernest Hemingway, Tennessee Williams, and others once lived in Key West, Florida:
The Florida Keys are like a Diet Hawaii with half the travel time to get there in you live in the 48 contiguous states. You won't get leis, volcanoes, and the smooth, smooth rhythm of Don Ho's music to spice up your day like you would in Hawaii, but the Keys offer retirees in abundance, narrow roads, and the dulcet tones and bum lifestyle of Jimmy Buffet.
Diet Hawaiian waves as well.
While there are 1700 islands in the archipelago that makes up the Keys, most islands are ignored like a red-headed stepchild. Celebrities and tourists flock to Key West mostly, including Ernest Hemingway and Tennessee Williams. You know how you were forced to read To Have and Have Not in high school by your English teacher? You can blame Key West for stirring Hemingway's creative juices, as he wrote the book there.
The basics of Key West, Florida:
Location:
Nearly 160 miles from Miami via car, Key West is only 94 miles from the Cuban coastline. Whichever direction you choose to go, you'll end up at a nightclub swiveling your hips, which is probably a sight no one wants to see.
2010 Census:
Population: 24,649, down 3.3% from the 2000 Census. Florida is God's waiting room after all, so it looks like God's been busy.
Racial Makeup: 83.8% white, 9.7% African American, 2.1% two or more races, 1.6% Asian, and 0.4% Native American. No word on how many identify as Jimmy Buffet Parrotheads.
Great news for single women, as 55.4% of the population is made up of men. As long as you don't mind the smell of cheap beer, suntan lotion, and illicit Cuban cigars, you've got it made.
12.9% of locals live below the poverty line. Apparently poverty wasn't interesting enough for Hemingway to write about, though.
What to see, what to do in Key West:
Do you live in the middle of the desert and have never been to an aquarium before? The MOTE Marine Laboratory & Aquarium is there to fill the void in your life. On their website, they say, "The answers are in the ocean." I don't know what that actually means, but I hope it's the answer to what the Powerball numbers are for tonight's drawing.
Where were the answers in the ocean that night, MOTE?? Hmm?
If you're jonesing for a fix of Hemingway, don't worry. Key West is practically a shrine to the man, with a Hemingway Days festival held every July. The highlight is the Hemingway look-a-like contest, where mildly overweight 60-ish year old men with white hair and beards dress up like they're on safari. It's kind of like when your crazy uncle Frank forgets to take his meds and drinks too much at Thanksgiving.
Hemingway dress-up not enough for you? You can tour the house he lived in for nearly a decade, now a museum, and come across 50+ felines. Hemingway loved cats back in the day, and was once given a polydactyl (six-toed) cat called Snow White by a passing boat captain. Snow White was seemingly the amorous sort, as today there is an untold number of cats in Key West--including the 50+ at Hemingway's house--that are polydactyl.
One of Hemingway's cat's descendants with a mitt large enough to play baseball.
If you really need a break from Hemingway, there's always the Tennessee Williams Key West Exhibit. The exhibit is in a separate building and is not the house Williams owned and lived in from 1949 until his death in 1983. That house is privately owned today, and apparently the owners aren't interested in inviting hundreds of tourists into their living room every afternoon. So much for HGTV-style "entertaining."
The Chamber of Commerce has a section on their website about "Places to Propose" if you want to get married. The website page proceeds to simply tell you how much the license fee is ($93.50!), some basic rules, and that you can get married in the Clerk of Courts office. After all, nothing says romance like the Clerk of Courts office. But let it be known that at no point on the "Places to Propose" page does the Chamber of Commerce actually tell you where to propose. Small missed detail.
Where to eat in Key West:
Looking for that restaurant that hitches its wagon to famous writers some way or another? There's the Hot Tin Roof restaurant. Sure, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof deals with alcoholism, but why focus on the negative? The restaurant is upscale, and charges $22 for a basic cheeseburger, showing that alcohol might even affect menu pricing decisions, too. That's called synergy, folks!
Time to get boozin'.
Two Friends Patio Restaurant claims its history goes back to 1886, where it opened as a saloon. They say the restaurant's name came sometime after World War One, but don't explain how. Personally, I always enjoy vague allusions in my history lessons. Keeps me guessing.
If you REALLY want to see that Ernest Hemingway look-a-like contest mentioned earlier, swing over to Sloppy Joe's Cafe, where it's held annually. Get your fix of impersonators and cheap American beer all in one.
So...much...Ernest.
To cap off the night, there's Better Than Sex, which is an intimate dessert-only restaurant. Their drinks go by the names "The Klimax," "Shelby's Shocker," and "The 'Money' Shot," while their desserts are named the likes of "Cookie Nookie Pie," "Tongue Bath Truffle," "The Missionary Crisp," and "Fork You Fondue." I don't know if any of this is better than sex, but my curiosity is piqued.
Isn't Judy Blume occasionally a resident of Key West, too?
She is, but no word if she has a polydactyl cat.
Tennessee Williams' thoughts on Key West:
"There are punks here. That’s because a couple of gay magazines publicized this place as if it were the Fire Island of Florida. It isn’t. One Fire Island is quite enough. But it attracted the wrong sort of people here: the predators who are looking for homosexuals. I think the violence will be gone by next year."
Followed up with: "I’ve been here longer than (the predators of Key West) have, and I’m not leaving."
It's not just your average patron at Denny's or chicken farmers who love a good egg, as humanity has always been fascinated with them. Therefore, since it's Easter, we might as well dive into why Easter eggs exist, and why there's a bunny going around with them in a basket.
Easter Eggs:
For some unfathomable reason, humans have always taken to decorating eggs. Long before Christianity, Islam, or Judaism existed, evidence shows humans decorated ostrich eggs 60,000 years ago in parts of Africa. The Sumerians and Egyptians maintained the tradition thousands of years before Moses or Jesus arrived on the scene, and those civilizations often placed decorated eggs in graves, too.
(((shrugs))) People have been buried with weirder things.
Let's assume the Sumerians' eggs looked slightly different.
It's largely a portrayal and symbolism of vitality and birth that captivated people. This fascination with eggs continued with Christianity after the death of Jesus, as followers began dyeing eggs red as a representation of Christ's blood at his crucifixion and sacrifice for all to have eternal life.
Bloody eggs commemorating murder? Gather 'round the kids! I know I'll never look at one of those PAAS Easter egg kits the same way again.
All the allure of a crucifixion!
Likewise, for centuries eggs were banned to be eaten during the forty days of Lent leading up Easter, part of a slew of foods and drink to instill a fast. Since chickens are uncooperative rebels and still have eggs nonstop, there was always a surplus of eggs to consume by the time Easter arrived, where feasts on hoarded eggs occurred so food didn't spoil.
Many have tried to symbolize the egg in a Christian vein (despite egg popularity pre-dating Christianity by 58,000 years), suggesting the egg represents the tomb Christ's body was placed in, or, again, the potential for rebirth and eternal life. Alas, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John in the Bible never jotted that egg nugget down, so take it with a grain of salt.
Easter Bunny:
Short and simple, it was the Germans who popularized the Easter Bunny myth. Since none of this egg history really makes sense, let's invite the Germans to this international party to confuse it more.
Germany has always had a distinguished history with folktales, and the appearance of rabbits or hares in those tales frequently occurred. Stories about the animals were passed down through generations, often with allusions to their--(((ahem)))--procreation abilities.
As with all things related to spring, rabbits' sexual proclivities symbolized rebirth in Northern Christian churches, so much so that the "three hares" symbol became popular as a design accent on medieval churches. With Easter occurring only in the springtime, the combination of rabbits to the holiday was a simple addition for German folklorists.
None of this creepy old greeting card should make a lick of sense to you.
Tales of the Easter Bunny were passed down through the oral tradition before German physician and botanist Georg Franck von Franckenau wrote about the tale of a hare in his 1682 work De ovis paschalibus, which was the first written mention of the Easter Bunny.
German Lutherans popularized the Easter Bunny myth as a teaching tool to children, suggesting the rabbit would come on Easter to judge children on whether they deserved to be given the ever-coveted eggs. Yes, it's just like you always thought. The Easter Bunny really is just a springtime version of Santa Claus.
It's good to be number one.
The Pennsylvania Dutch Protestants and emigrating Germans to America brought this fable of the Easter Bunny with them, calling it "Osterhase" or "Easter Hare," and American commercialization and affinity for soft, fluffy looking animals took right on over from there.
Conclusion:
None of this explains or defends the cheap plastic grass in those Easter baskets or these guys:
As another week concludes, we end with a random poem. Famous poets, obscure poets, amateur poets, whatever poets--just a poem to cap off the week.
Like this one:
O Mistress Mine, Where Are You Roaming?(Twelfth Night, Act Ii, Scene Iii), by William Shakespeare
O mistress mine, where are you roaming?
O stay and hear! your true-love's coming
That can sing both high and low;
Trip no further, pretty sweeting,
Journey's end in lovers' meeting-
Every wise man's son doth know.
What is love? 'tis not hereafter;
Present mirth hath present laughter;
What's to come is still unsure:
In delay there lies no plenty,-
Then come kiss me, Sweet and twenty,
Youth's a stuff will not endure.
That's kind of a lie. Oral Roberts University is addicted to knowing about their students' sex lives. As noted here in 2011, ORU's Honor Code goes into intricate detail about what is and isn't acceptable in their students' ongoings, including drugs, alcohol, and sexual behavior.
"I will not engage in or attempt to engage in any illicit, unscriptural sexual acts, which include any homosexual activity and sexual intercourse with one who is not my spouse through traditional marriage of one man and one woman."
Does the Bible have many scriptural sex acts detailed though? Or are the illicit variety of sexual acts allowed only if they're scriptural? Why has this flown under the radar for thousands of years? WHAT BOOK IN THE BIBLE SHOULD I READ??
Regardless, ORU also requires a physical component to their college education, dictating that students meet certain fitness goals or risk never graduating. This has led the university to institute a policy requiring every student to use a Fitbit fitness tracker to monitor progress. Yes, the same Fitbit that was once known to monitor a user's sexual activity.
School officials have been quick to point out that there is no voyeuristic angle to requiring the student Fitbit use. They have no care to analyze their students' sexual behaviors, they claim.
The sugar babies The Atlantic refers to are college students, usually female, who look for sugar daddies, usually old men (and also a candy!), who will--ahem--find mutual assistance from one another. Using mainly statistics from the website SeekingArrangement, The Atlantic tries to connect rising college tuition rates and student debt to the spike in old fashioned May-December hookups.
The flaw with this titillating story is that the sexual correlation to student need is tenuous at best. The Atlantic points out that public school students make up the slight majority of those enrolled at SeekingArrangement--yet a private institution, New York University, has the most "sugar babies" for one college. And while The Atlantic tries to defend New York City's cost-of-living as the reasoning, that doesn't quite justify why a city like Atlanta, a relatively cheap place to live, has the highest density of "sugar daddies."
So what does all of this mean?
Humans like sex and money and references to a family of pretty basic candy. Fairly simple.
In the end, let us not forget about sugar mamas. No, I mean Sugar Mama--the candy--related to Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddy. The manufacturer hasn't made Sugar Mama since the 1980s, but I think we all know that sugar mamas in all forms have been less popularized in pop culture.
The New York Timeshas a quick little video documenting the history of, uhh, well, stuff that is less high brow than usual at the New York Public Library. You know, the stuff that your uncle Frank has a large collection of, but your family politely ignores when they gather at Thanksgiving? The sort of stuff that's usually behind the counter at a 7-11, underneath the lotto scratch ticket display, hidden behind some plastic shields?
Porn. I'm talking about porn.
Apparently the NYPL has a large collection, as showcased here:
I'll never look at an Aldo store the same way again.
In case you've forgotten, the Book of Genesis is a fun sitcom origin story of Adam and Eve, the first two humans God created. Hijinks ensue, and a good laugh was had by all as God banishes humans from the Garden of Eden.
God created Eve out of Adam's rib, or so the story goes, because, I don't know, God was running low on human-making supplies. Prof. Zevit disagrees with the rib translation though. The problem is with the Hebrew word 'tsela,' a reference to the bone taken from Adam. Writing in Biblical Archaeology Review, Zevit explains, "This Hebrew word occurs some 40 times in the Hebrew Bible, where it refers to the side of a building or of an altar or ark, a side-chamber, or a branch of a mountain. In each of these instances, it refers to something off-center, lateral to a main structure."
Focus, people! Zevit is getting to the good part.
Through translation and lost languages, Zevit explains further that the word 'tsela' would translate to "limbs lateral to the vertical axis of an erect human body: hands, feet, or, in the case of males, the penis."
And what's the logical conclusion for all of this? Zevit writes, "Of these appendages, the only one lacking a bone is the penis." Oh, that God! Always with the low brow humor!
Well, if there's ever been something off-center with a man, it's his penis.
There are a few things I think we all associate with Amherst, Massachusetts. Emily Dickinson, people speaking Spanish, and pure, carnal, sexual heat. And if you can picture all three of those at once, you're not only mildly disturbed, but you're envisioning a seemingly average day in the rural hinterlands of western New England.
Dimaris Barrios-Beltran is a former lecturer for Amherst College. 'Former' because she was recently let go from her position in the Spanish department after, she alleges, refusing to give into a culture of potential sex with undergraduate students to make the department look more appealing. This differs from your average English department, where wallowing in poetry while wearing Birkenstocks is par for the course. Subtle difference in cultures, to be sure.
According to the Washington Post, department supervisor Victoria Maillo is described in the suit as looking online for "pretty faces" to hire as teaching assistants in hopes of attracting more students to study Spanish.
"Early in 2013, Barrios-Beltran’s teaching assistant called her in tears, according to the lawsuit, saying that Maillo was treating her like a prostitute. The teaching assistant claimed that Maillo was angry that she was dating a student at the University of Massachusetts and told her and other teaching assistants to go to parties with students and sleep with them to encourage them to take Spanish. Barrios-Beltran claims that in frustration, the teaching assistant asked Maillo if she wanted her to sleep with a different guy every night like another teaching assistant was doing, and the teaching assistant told Barrios-Beltran that Maillo responded, 'that is what I brought you here for.'"
Amherst College claims they let Barrios-Beltran go solely because of declining enrollments. Or, if you're paying attention to this story, for exactly the same reason why Maillo is alleged to have been trying to counteract while channeling her inner madam.
In the end, both women no longer work for Amherst College. English majors? Still wallowing in poetry.
It's been awhile since we did this--so let's get to it.
No one ever really listens to song lyrics, but song lyrics is where a whole boat load of crazy happens in music. We've covered Taylor Swift (she's obsessive!), The Beatles (John Lennon might murder you!), Broadway (misogyny is catchy!), romantic songs (loving old ladies and underage girls!) and years of holiday song analysis (Frosty is a criminal, and the drummer boy is violating noise ordinances!).
Now it's onto The Rolling Stones. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll stereotypes? Check. Check. And check.
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Song: Stray Cat Blues Written By: Mick Jagger & Keith Richards Lead Singer: Mick Jagger Album:Beggars Banquet
How quickly can we have a song take a sexual undertone? Roughly fifteen seconds.
I hear the click-clack of your feet on the stairs I know you're no scare-eyed honey. There'll be a feast if you just come upstairs
Is it a Thanksgiving feast? I think he's referring to a Thanksgiving feast. I hope there's mashed potatoes! And pumpkin pie!
I can see that you're fifteen years old No I don't want your I.D. And I can see that you're so far from home But it's no hanging matter It's no capital crime
Ah, I'm sorry, but I'm pretty certain that statutory rape gets you some jail time. Movie theaters are more strict with I.D.s to gain access to an R-rated movie than Mick Jagger is with gaining access to what's in his pants.
You say you got a friend, that she's wilder than you Why don't you bring her upstairs If she's so wild then she can join in too
"Why don't you bring her upstairs?" Because she doesn't enjoy having sex with a stack of firewood that we name Mick Jagger.
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Song: Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadow? Written By: Mick Jagger & Keith Richards Lead Singer: Mick Jagger Album: Big Hits (High Tide and Green Grass)
If we can have a parent not give a damn about their kid, how about the flip side of the coin and have an obsessive-compulsive mom?
Have you seen your mother, baby, standing in the shadow?
Apparently mom is no ninja if she's easily seen in the shadow. But maybe she heard that Jagger has a thing for young girls.
Have you seen your brother, baby, standing in the shadow?
Oh, so this is a family affair then. This must be one hell of a shadow that's being cast. Maybe someone might want to turn on some lights so people aren't squinting to see who's in the room. Or was the electric bill not paid on time?
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Song:Happy Written By: Keith Richards Lead Singer: Keith Richards Album: Exile on Main St.
This is Keith Richards we're talking about, so I assume what makes him happy is copious amounts of heroin and cocaine, no?
Well I never kept a dollar past sunset, It always burned a hole in my pants.
Heroin ain't cheap, my friends! And don't even talk about the prices for the nose candy.
Always took candy from strangers, Didn't wanna get me no trade.
You call it heroin, Keith calls it candy--what's the dif? Who can pass up a free offer, stranger or not? But I'm shocked--shocked, I tell you--that a known drug addict had no desire to learn a trade.
Never got a flash out of cocktails, When I got some flesh off the bone. Never got a lift out of Lear jets, When I can fly way back home.
Cocaine is one hell of a drug. What, is he Kate Winslet in Titanic ("I'm flying!")? Or--oh, God--was Kate Winslet's character a closet drug addict in the movie? Leo DiCaprio's character had that druggie vibe, I think we can all admit.
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Song:Mother's Little Helper Written By: Mick Jagger & Keith Richards Lead Singer: Mick Jagger Album: Aftermath
If it's not sex or drugs, The Rolling Stones seemingly have an obsession with mothers in their songs. But can we get a song where we combine stay-at-home moms with all the allure of illicit pharmaceuticals?
What a drag it is getting old "Kids are different today," I hear ev'ry mother say
Oh, that old complaint. Time to start banging the cane against the rocking chair and shaking a fist of indignation at all those young'ns!
Mother needs something today to calm her down And though she's not really ill There's a little yellow pill She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day
Pill poppin' soccer moms! In case you're wondering, the yellow pill he's talking about is Diazepam, better known as Valium. You try raising an SUV of little ankle biters day after day, week after week. You'd be running for a bottle of Valium, too.
Cooking fresh food for a husband's just a drag So she buys an instant cake and she burns her frozen steak
Clearly she's no Julia Child. Of course she burned the steak--you need to properly defrost that in the fridge. And what's up with hubby's inability to cook for himself? He could at least stop at an Applebee's and pick up some overcooked, greasy takeout. But, noooo.
They just don't appreciate that you get tired They're so hard to satisfy, You can tranquilize your mind So go running for the shelter of a mother's little helper And four help you through the night, help to minimize your plight
Four Valium just to get through the night? This is getting expensive. If this is a stay-at-home mom, where is she getting that sort of coin? Is she robbing her kid's savings? Where is she getting that bank?
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Song:Brown Sugar Written By: mainly Mick Jagger Lead Singer: Mick Jagger Album:Sticky Fingers
If there's ever been a subject area in modern music that's been lacking, it's rocking songs with a solid guitar riff that refer to slavery.
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields Sold in a market down in New Orleans Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright Hear him whip the women just around midnight
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This song turned into 12 Years a Slave right out of the gate here. Slave ships? Whipping? Is Brad Pitt going to pop up?
Brown sugar how come you taste so good? Brown sugar just like a young girl should
Phew...that was close. I panicked there might not be sexual references to underage girls--but Mick squeezed one in there.
Drums beating, cold English blood runs hot Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop House boy knows that he's doing alright You shoulda heard him just around midnight
So what we have going on here is a lovely blend of slavery and brutal abuse mixed with not-so-subtle allusions to oral sex. Seems like a natural combination. I can't understand why there haven't been more songs recorded like this.
I bet your mama was a tent show queen And all her boyfriends were sweet sixteen I'm no schoolboy but I know what I like You shoulda heard me just around midnight
Well at least Mama has bumped up the age of her sexual partners to sixteen. That's practically legal in some eastern European countries.
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Song: 19th Nervous Breakdown Written By: Mick Jagger & Keith Richards Lead Singer: Mick Jagger Album: Released as a single
If you're having 18 nervous breakdowns, you might as well go big or go home and aim for the 19th.
You're the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs Center of a crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs
Listen, you can't have it both ways. If it's a dismal, dull affair, maybe someone talking loudly and doing wind sprints up and down the stairs might be a good thing.
Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years And though you've tried you just can't hide your eyes are edged with tears
Well, aren't you just the psychotherapist?
When you were a child you were a treated kind, But you were never brought up right You were always spoiled with a thousand toys, But still you cried all night
I'm confused. I was treated kind--but I was spoiled? Is that the gist? Because when I think of people who know good parenting skills, Mick Jagger is the first that comes to mind.
And how does he know if I cried? What, is he Santa Claus?
Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax And your father's still perfecting ways of making sealing wax
It wouldn't be a Rolling Stones song unless a mother was mentioned--and a neglectful one at that. And apparently this mom is a deadbeat with paying off debts. It could be the same soccer mom with the Valium addiction. It's all coming together now!
Anthony Horowitz is writing the latest James Bond book, titled "Trigger Mortis," but admits this Bond isn't the same one we're used to reading in books or seeing on screen.
"My wife Jill Green [...] read the first draft and was quite angry about some of the language and some of the words I used and the descriptions," Horowitz told England's Radio Times.
"And she was right as she always is and I had to cut back and cut back. I had to really bring it back over the line again. Bond's whole attitude to women, although it's part of his character it doesn't really play very well these days."
And let's not forget Bond's smoking, which is a 30-a-day habit, created out of Bond's original writer Ian Fleming's own smoking habit.
"To give Bond his 30-a-day habit was against my instinct,” said Horowitz. To feel morally acceptable allowing Bond to smoke, Horowitz added a scene in the book where Bond reads a label about the dangers of smoking.
To recap, this Bond doesn't sleep around as much and is cognizant of the dangers of smoking.
In other words, future Bond novels will probably have him doing papier-mâché and taking a quality multivitamin, all while inviting the story's villain to come by for a lovely dinner of chicken Marsala.
Trigger Mortis? Really now? That sounds like the name of the worst Walt Disney character ever created.
I know you've been itching for poetry from the man who wrote "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?"--and now that itch can be scratched.
Rod Stewart--a man who never met a can of mousse he didn't love--intends to release a book of poetry with sketches supplied from his former Faces bandmate Ronnie Wood*. "It's his sketches and our poems and it's so funny. I can't even begin to describe it. It's just hilarious," says Stewart.
Yes. All that rib-tickling action you'd expect from a 70-year old guy who wrote "Maggie May."
*Ronnie Wood has been a guitarist for The Rolling Stones since 1975. Also known as the guy you see on the stage with Mick Jagger and Keith Richards and say, "Who the hell is he?"
Lands' End is known for its outdoorsy clothing--a sea of khakis and plaids and hiking boots.
GQ Magazine is known for boring articles and high-end fashion which rarely involves khakis, plaids, or hiking boots.
And when the two met, it didn't turn out that great.
Recently, GQ's publisher, Conde Nast, struck a deal with Lands' End to reward the clothing company's best customers with a free subscription. Instead of enjoying the free magazine in their mailbox--which this month features a very scantily clad Emily Ratajkowski modeling on the cover--many Land's End customers revolted. Their biggest concern seems to be with their sons.
“We received your ‘Lands’ End Bonus’ of GQ magazine this weekend, and we are absolutely horrified," wrote one woman on Land's End's Facebook page, hopefully horrified at GQ's shoddy articles. "How can buying something as family friendly as school uniforms lead to soft porn in the mailbox? I’m thankful my son did not bring in the mail.”
Nope. She's fine with the articles.
Said another customer, who's son did go to the mailbox: "My 14-year-old son brought in the mail today & was quite disturbed & fascinated by a ‘gift’ Lands’ End sent us — a copy of GQ magazine with an absolutely OBSCENE cover!!!."
Never has the U.S. postal mail ever been more of a moral yo-yo than for this young lad.
The outrage over Ms. Ratajkowski's appearance was so overwhelming, Lands' End immediately issued an apology and changed the magazine subscription customers received to Conde Nast Traveler.
This month's cover of Traveler? It features a staircase in San Pietro on the Aeolian island of Panarea.
Hindu nationalist group Shiksha Bachao Andolan filed a suit in India in 2011 against scholar Wendy Doniger's book The Hindus: An Alternative History, claiming the book inaccurately represented the religion, and did so with largely overt sexual tones. This, the group argued, violated the Indian penal code that bans "deliberate and malicious acts intended to outrage religious feelings or any class by insulting its religion or religious beliefs."
For years, the policy at the private, conservative, Christian college south of Boston banned "all forms of dancing that detract from spiritual growth and break down proper moral inhibitions and reserve." Which is sad, because my tango has been called a spiritual awakening.
Now, Eastern Nazarene College has implemented new rules that allows dancing, so long as it is "appropriate and not sexually suggestive" and the music is not "vulgar."
So twerking to Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus is a no-go.
Deb Levy claims the letter and number combination is offensive and tells FOX2 St. Louis she demanded a free new license plate from the DMV.
Apparently not a raking enthusiast, Levy says the DMV claimed the plate only read "who," and told her to pony up an extra $17 for a new plate.
"Can you spell?!" Levy yelled to the clerks. She believes the wording suggests she's a "whore 8 times."
Fox 2 reports that plates are created with a standard formula, meaning there are a number of other cars driving around Missouri that question "who...?"
