Attention all librarians: The CIA is hiring.

Martha just came back from
overthrowing a Central American government.

When thinking of librarians it's natural for the mind to wander to the wonderful world of espionage, covert operations, and a license to kill. Why's the book late again, Bobby? What are you hiding behind this edition of Paddington Bear? Who's financing you, Bobby??! Quit stuttering and tell me!

Thank goodness the CIA is apparently hiring the next James Bond with a sensible hair bun then. According to a report, the job description states "librarians also have opportunities to serve as embedded, or forward deployed, information experts in CIA offices and select Intelligence Community agencies." And receive, I assume, a solid 401(k) plan.

The report also states that future spy librarians "must generally not have used illegal drugs within the last 12 months." I think we all know hedonistic behavior is typical of your average librarian. If it's not gluten-free bread and soy milk, it's subtle scowling while taking in a cup of chamomile tea. Potential future assassin? Likely.

That's where the vague "generally" comes into play. If there's one thing the CIA is good for, it's for ambiguity.

As Bobby learned with his late fees.

Who's Bobby?

Exactly.

Randomness Corner: Doughnut-stealing Canadian raccoon is a criminal with poor taste in sweets.

Canada has been overdue for a crime wave to sweep the nation. We all know this. The polite and kindly behavior most Canadians display has always been a front for the desire to shiv one another. Why do they play hockey--a sport with razor sharp blades? Exactly. Potential shivving action.

Humans are a little slow to get the crime wave started, but leave it to the animals to run amok. Case in point: A Toronto raccoon was caught red-pawed as it swung in through the roof--Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible style--of a bakery to steal a doughnut.

Even worse? It chose an orange-flavored doughnut stick over a chocolate glazed. Who does that?





This isn't the only Canadian raccoon up to nefarious behavior. The CBC reported earlier this month that a four-legged masked ball of fur hopped the local commuter train. According to Metrolinx, which operates the service, they had "no idea" how the "downtown freeloader" got on the train.

I'll tell you how. He refused to pay the fare and hopped the gate, just like any two-bit criminal.

Here's a photo of the scandalous scamp:

Looks like he's sleeping off a nooner, if you ask me. Easy on the Labatt's Blue, my friend!

It's mainly Toronto that is the den of raccoon duplicity hitting Canada hard, and the crime wave has been building with each passing month. Earlier this summer, another report by the CBC detailed how a raccoon was found to blatantly trespass onto a luxury condo's property, climbing 213 meters (699ft) up a crane, before being spotted by crane operator Rob Mac, who posted details to Twitter, including this bombshell proof:

That's the look of pure, unadulterated guilt.

According to Mac, upon being spotted, the trespasser hissed before hightailing it back down the ladder, apparently frightened by the prospect of doing hard time in a Canadian prison where he'd inevitably get belly rubs and free garbage to roll around in.

Not even a polite head nod or a desire to lend a hand, like you'd expect from a true Canadian! Today they hiss. Tomorrow they go all James Bond on you and throw you to your death. Mark my words.




photos: Rob Mac, Tyler Kay, via CBC

New James Bond novel shows a softer, gentler side.

Anthony Horowitz is writing the latest James Bond book, titled "Trigger Mortis," but admits this Bond isn't the same one we're used to reading in books or seeing on screen.

"My wife Jill Green [...] read the first draft and was quite angry about some of the language and some of the words I used and the descriptions," Horowitz told England's Radio Times.

"And she was right as she always is and I had to cut back and cut back. I had to really bring it back over the line again. Bond's whole attitude to women, although it's part of his character it doesn't really play very well these days."

And let's not forget Bond's smoking, which is a 30-a-day habit, created out of Bond's original writer Ian Fleming's own smoking habit.

"To give Bond his 30-a-day habit was against my instinct,” said Horowitz. To feel morally acceptable allowing Bond to smoke, Horowitz added a scene in the book where Bond reads a label about the dangers of smoking.

To recap, this Bond doesn't sleep around as much and is cognizant of the dangers of smoking.

In other words, future Bond novels will probably have him doing papier-mâché and taking a quality multivitamin, all while inviting the story's villain to come by for a lovely dinner of chicken Marsala.




Trigger Mortis? Really now? That sounds like the name of the worst Walt Disney character ever created.

James Bond is an impotent alcoholic, medical journal says.

Having read all of Ian Fleming's books and detailed James Bond's penchant for martinis, researchers say Bond  averaged drinking 92 units of alcohol a week. Odds are if a real man he'd have died around the age of 56 from a heart attack, not an assassin's bullet. Besides an early death, researchers also state Bond would have been impotent, physically dependent on booze, and had alcohol-induced tremors.

Tremors?

Insert your "shaken, not stirred" martini joke here: "______________!!!"

Famous Writers with Cats: Mark Twain

Writers need inspiration somewhere in life, and for many that inspiration comes from their pet cats.

This is a running series where we post pictures of famous writers with their feline companions--the cute, the cuddly, the creepy. And that's just the writers.

Today:  Mark Twain

Weirdest Werther's Original commercial ever.

Give him some sharks with lasers attached to their heads, and Twain looks like a James Bond villain.




Not for nothing, but all of that furniture looks massively uncomfortable. I'm certain no one ever sat in that wannabe wingback chair and spontaneously took a nap because they were in a cozy cocoon of snuggliness.

James Bond gets around.

James Bond was a book franchise before he was ever a movie franchise. But the books died with Ian Fleming's demise nearly 50 years ago and the movies took off.

That doesn't stop movies from being churned out, nor does it stop the BBC from letting you know that James Bond is British, damnit, and he loves him some gun violence and ladies.

And with the latest Bond movie being released, the BBC totaled how many women each incarnation of Bond kissed and villains he killed.

The latest tally from today's movie? Three women smooched, sixteen villains mowed down.

Also known as Tuesday for me.