The shady, the weird, the double entendre--it's time to relive the magic.
A tradition in these parts--the annual dissection of Christmas and holiday song lyrics continues for the fifth edition.
So, without further ado...
Song #1:
Title: The Little Drummer Boy
Written by: Katherine Davis, Harry Simeone, Henry Onorati (original)
Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes (new, additional raps)
Sung by: Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes
The Little Drummer Boy trips the light fantastic on its own merit. A wandering hobo child shows up, uninvited, to play the drums around a newborn baby that should be sleeping? Sure. Sounds like a good game plan, kid.
But where you see a quaint story of a homeless musical child channeling his inner Keith Moon, Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes see things getting sexy up in that stable.
We know the original lyrics. So let's dive into Bieber's additional rap, in all its Auto-Tune glory:
[Bieber]
Rum pa pa pum, rum pa pum pum pum pum.
Yeah I'm on the drum, yeah I'm on the snare drum.
Yeah I'm on the beat cause the beat goes dumb.
And I only spit heat cause I'm playin' for the Son.
Playin' for the King, playin for the Title,
I'm surprised you didn't hear this in the Bible.
I'm so tight, I might go psycho.
Christmas time, so here's a recital.
I'm so bad like Michael, I know I'm still young but I go I go.
Stupid stupid love like Cupid,
I'm the drummer boy so do it, do it.
Bieber's right. How could we NOT hear this in the Bible? Maybe he's referring to the Whore of Babylon or the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Both are very similar to his music.
This verse is also the first known reference to anyone being 'psycho' in a Christmas song. Imagine all the tender-hearted images of a knife-wielding murderer in Alfred Hitchcock's film, but with more holly and mistletoe.
[Busta:]
Lemme get straight to it. Yo.
At the table with the family, havin' dinner,
Blackberry on our hip and then it gave a little flicker.
Then I took a look to see before it activates the ringer;
Came to realize my homie Bieber hit me on the Twitter.
Then I hit him back despite I had some food up on my finger,
Sippin' eggnog with a little sprinkle of vanilla,
Even though it's kinda cold, pullin' out a chinchilla,
Bieber hit me back and said, "Let's make it hot up in the winter."
I said, "Cool." Ya know Imma deliver;
Let's collaborate and make the holiday a little bigger.
Before we work I gotta get this off,
See the other family members and drop gifts off.
Then I'm headed to the studio cause ain't nothing stopping how
You know we bout to turn it up and really get it poppin' now.
People everywhere and all our Twitter followers,
"Merry Christmas, Kwanza, happy Hanukkah! "
Couple of things here:
a.) Twitter gets two shoutouts?
b.) Poor Busta. He uses a Blackberry.
c.) I don't think vanilla is a sprinkable product usually.
d.) It's best we stop pretending this is about The Little Drummer Boy anymore.
e.) Busta would rather be in the studio than with his family on Christmas. Frowny face.
Back to Bieber on the mic:
If you wanna give, it's the time of year.
JB on the beat, yeah yeah, I'm on the snare.
It's crazy how some people say, say they don't care,
When there's people on the street with no food; it's not fair.
It's about time for you to act merrily;
It's about time for you to give to charity.
Rarely do people even wanna help at all,
'Cause they warm by the fire, getting toys and their dolls.
Not thinking there's a family out hungry and cold,
Wishin' wishin' that they had somebody they could hold.
So I think some of you need to act bold;
Give a can to a drive, let's change the globe.
You heard it here first from Justin Bieber: A can of peas to your local food pantry will change the world.
It's cute coming from a guy with a long list of $100,000 automobiles in his garage. I bet he uses that chromed-out Fisker-Karma to drive canned veggies to the homeless shelter! Greatest Canadian ever?? Greatest Canadian ever!
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Song #2:
Title: Christmas Tree
Written by: Lady Gaga, Rob Fusari, Space Cowboy
Sung by: Lady Gaga and Space Cowboy
Christmas Tree by Lady Gaga is exactly like Luciano Pavarotti belting out O Tannenbaum, except picture Pavarotti gyrating half-naked in a meat suit and suggesting you want to get sexy with him and his angel.
To the lyrics:
The only place you'll wanna be
Is underneath my Christmas tree.
The only place you'll wanna be
Is underneath my Christmas tree.
Because I'm like the family house cat? Mr. Whiskers is a menace under the tree. Don't let his purring deter you--Mr. Whiskers is a nuisance.
Light me up, put me on top,
Let's fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la.
Light me up, put me on top,
Let's fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la.
Put her on top of the tree. The tree. Get your mind out of the gutter!
Ho-ho-ho, under the mistletoe,
Yes, everybody knows
We will take off our clothes.
Yes, if you want us to we will.
She's nothing if not accommodating. It is the season of giving after all--so if you feel like gettin' nekkid, Lady Gaga will oblige.
And it's okay to have your mind in the gutter now. I take back what I said.
You oh, oh, a Christmas,
My Christmas tree's delicious,
Oh, oh, a Christmas,
My Christmas tree's delicious.
Uhhhh.
Your mouth is going to get pretty full of sap if you do that.
Here, here, here, the best time of the year,
Take off my stockings we're
Out spreading Christmas cheer.
Yes, if you want us to we will.
Admittedly, stockings can chafe. But just a heads-up: Rashes from spreading cheer might require antibiotics.
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Song #3:
Title: Back Door Santa
Written by: Clarence Carter and Marcus Daniel
Sung by: Clarence Carter
If you're a sweet, wide-eyed innocent type, pretend that the title alone just suggests Santa uses back doors instead of chimneys.
The rest of you--yeah. This is about booty action.
They call me Back Door Santa
I make my runs about the break of day.
They call me Back Door Santa
I make my runs about the break of day.
I make all the little girls happy
While the boys are out to play.
So Santa is sick of working the third shift--you can't blame him. Working nights isn't for everyone, you know? And so what if he hates little boys? I was once a little boy, too. Little boys are punks.
I ain't like the old Saint Nick,
He don't come but once a year.
I ain't like the old Saint Nick,
He don't come but once a year.
I come runnin' with my presents
Every time you call me dear.
So Clarence is just a very giving man all year round. He comes often, and with presents! That present might be a positive pregnancy test or herpes, but, hey, beggars can't be choosers with gifts.
I keep some change in my pocket in case the children are home.
I give 'em a few pennies so that we can be alone.
I leave the back door open so if anybody smells a mouse
And wouldn't old Santa be in trouble if there ain't no chimney in the house?
This went from zero-to-creepy in about three seconds flat. It's not often you get a Christmas song about soccer mom booty call action--but now add in hush money for the soccer mom's kids who were watching Sesame Street before this song started.
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Song #4:
Title: The Christmas Song
Written by: Mel Tormé and Bob Wells
Sung by: Nat King Cole...and everyone else after him.
So who's wished a Merry Christmas, according to Nat King Cole?
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas to you.
Did you hear that, newborns? Did you hear that, grandmas ninety-three and older? To hell with you both.
I, for one, love our elderly.
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Song #5:
Title: Must Be Santa
Written by: Hal Moore and Bill Fredericks
Sung by: Mitch Miller Singers originally, later the likes of Bob Dylan
You know what Christmas songs need more of? Mysterious riddles.
Who's got a beard that's long and white?
Oooh, oooh, I know this one! The homeless man panhandling at the subway stop near my home! He's very friendly and only rarely drunk.
Santa's got a beard that's long and white!
Sonova--listen, my local homeless fellow does, too, I'll have you know. Just because Santa Claus channels an inner homeless man isn't my fault.
What's next?
Who comes around on a special night?
The Easter Bunny, Batman, a deadbeat father with an overdue child support check. I win!
Santa comes around on a special night!
Must be Santa! Must be Santa!
Must be Santa, Santa Claus!
I didn't want to say that Santa was a deadbeat father, but if we have to go there, we have to go there.
Who wears boots and a suit of red?
A firefighter, a Target employee, a Victoria's Secret angel? Maybe a Victoria's Secret angel wearing a limited edition firefighter outfit? I win!
Santa wears boots and a suit of red!
Listen, this is just Santa OCD at this point.
Who wears a long cap on his head?
Albert Finney playing Ebeneezer Scrooge in the 1970 musical adaptation of 'A Christmas Story' named, appropriately enough, 'Scrooge.' I win!
Santa wears a long cap on his head!
Cap on head, suit that's red,
Special night, beard that's white,
Must be Santa, must be Santa,
Must be Santa, Santa Claus.
How about 'Who runs a sweatshop out of the glare of child labor authorities? Must be Santa!' Someone better than me can work on rhyming that.
Who's got a big, red, cherry nose?
Half the people at an AA meeting? My uncle Frank by about 5pm on Christmas night? Me after a grad class at Boston College?
Who laughs this way, "ho-ho-ho"?
A second-rate James Bond villain? A pimp?
Santa laughs this way, "ho-ho-ho"!
Whatever. I give up.
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Song #6:
Title: Christmas Is A-Comin'
Written by: A nursery rhyme adopted as a Christmas carol.
Sung by: Bing Crosby, then other fringe musical acts.
I've always said that Christmas songs need more allusions to homeless begging. Finally, Bing Crosby came through with my request.
When I'm feeling blue, when I'm feeling low,
I start to think about the happiest man I know.
Now he doesn't mind the snow, he doesn't mind the rain,
But all December you will hear him at your window pane.
Jesus, call the cops! The homeless man is clawing at the window again!
Christmas is a coming, and the egg is in the nog.
Pleased to give a friendly man a friendly little dog.
If you haven't got a friendly dog, a friendly cat'll do,
If you haven't got a friendly cat may God bless you!
God bless you, gentlemen, God bless you!
If you haven't got a friendly cat may God bless you!
Is this the kind of gift friendly people get? Do we dish out pets indiscriminately? How do we make the leap in logic to hand over Mr. Whiskers? And since when did Mr. Whiskers become a secondary citizen to a dog? It sounds like the cat is a lovely parting gift for the losers on Wheel of Fortune.
Christmas is a coming, the lights are on the tree.
How about a turkey leg for dear old me?
If you haven't got a turkey leg, a turkey wing will do.
If you haven't got a turkey wing may God bless you!
Thanks for reminding me that I'm so poor I can't afford a turkey wing. I want to be reminded of my poverty at the holidays. Thanks for that. Really.
Christmas is a coming, the cider's in the keg.
If I had a mug of cider I wouldn't have to beg.
If you haven't got a mug of cider, half a mug will do.
If you haven't got half a mug, may God bless you!
Now you're guilt-tripping me, Bing. "I wouldn't have to beg if I had a mug of cider!" Yeah, well I wouldn't have hunger pains if I had a turkey wing, so we're all losers here.
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Song #7:
Title: Suzy Snowflake
Written by: Sid Tepper and Roy C. Bennett
Sung by: Rosemary Clooney
I make it a point in life never to trust anyone named Suzy, but that's besides the point.
Here comes Suzy Snowflake
Dressed in a snow-white gown
Tap, tap, tappin' at your windowpane
To tell you she's in town.
Hey now! This Suzy is a hot commodity with the ball gown look. Here I was thinking a sensible coat, hat, and mittens would do the trick.
But again with the windowpane tapping. Suzy is verrrrry suggestive.
Here comes Suzy Snowflake
Soon you will hear her say
"Come out ev'ryone and play with me
I haven't long to stay."
She's only one snowflake, but damned if she doesn't make herself readily available to everyone in town. For a limited time only, Suzy is available to play with!
If you want to make a snowman
I'll help you make it, one, two, three.
If you want to take a sleigh ride
Whee! The ride's on me!
Thanks, but I'll take a sleigh ride in a sleigh, Suzy, despite your offer. But check in with Back Door Santa. He might be interested.
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