Shady Song Lyrics: Romantic Songs Edition

Let's talk romantic song lyrics.

We've covered Christmas/holiday songs (Santa is a bounty hunter!)--twice (Jesus requires quality footwear to enter heaven!).

We've covered Broadway tunes (the tenderness of misogyny and child abuse in song!).

Now it's time for romantic songs to be examined. There are crimes against poetry and logic that can no longer go ignored.

Song: Wishin' and Hopin'

Sung (most famously) by: Dusty Springfield

Written by: Hal David and Burt Bacharach

New love can be an awkward thing. (Remember, folks, never order spaghetti on a first date.) If only there was some sort of playbook for women to know how to act around a new date. Thankfully, Hal David and Burt Bacharach have the answers.

So if you're looking to find love you can share,

all you gotta do is:

hold him and kiss him,

and love him and show him you care

Well, pinning a man down and holding him while you kiss him will definitely limit his ability to run. It's kind of like Stephen King's Misery, without the impromptu leg amputation.

Show him that you care just for him,

do the things he likes to do.

Watch football, eat pork rinds, and drink cheap beer while sitting in a recliner that is falling apart at the seams from overuse and his budding obesity?

Wear your hair just for him,

'cause you won't get him thinkin' and prayin',

wishin' and hopin'.

Ah, so the key to everlasting love is quality hairstyles that drive men wild. Good to know. Too bad Jane Austen never got the heads-up about this. Totally undermines Pride and Prejudice now.

Song:  Diana

Sung by: Paul Anka

Written by: Paul Anka

How to woo the older ladies in song? Paul Anka lets you know it's best to try like this:

I'm so young and you're so old,

This, my darling, I've been told.

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that all women love to be told they look so old that it's noticeable by the general public, no matter how much black market Botox they use.

Thrills I get when you hold me close,

Oh, my darling, you're the most.

The most...what? The most old woman going around these days? The most wrinkly thing he's seen in awhile? 

Oh, Diana, can't you see

I love you with all my heart? 

Imagine how obvious his love would be if he told you about how ugly the neighborhood thinks you are, too. 

And I hope we will never part

Oh, please, stay with me--Diana.

Just think of all the sweet-nothings he'll whisper to you if you stick around--your B.O, your lazy eye, your bow-leggedness. The possibilities are endless for precious love talk.

Song: Woman, Woman

Sung by: Gary Puckett & The Union Gap

Written by: Jim Glaser and Jimmy Payne

Women like jealous men lacking self-esteem who call you "Woman." It's a winning play from the Ike Turner School of Love.

Woman, oh woman,

have you got cheating on your mind?

Well, you know, now that you ask, she's been meaning to talk to you about how all that free milk has been delivered lately.

I've seen the way men look at you

When they think I don't see

And it hurts to have them think you're that kind 

What kind is that? The visible kind? How dare this woman be visible to the naked eye! Why isn't she wearing hunting camo?

A woman wears a certain look

when she is on the move

That could just be the high heels talking, buddy. I hear bunions aren't pleasant.

And a man can always tell what's on her mind

I hate to have to say it

But that look's all over you

Hate to have to say it? You've just gone an entire song accusing the poor woman. It seems like you're pretty free-flowing with your opinions.

Song: Glory of Love

Sung by: Peter Cetera

Written by: Peter Cetera, David Foster, Diane Nini

Obsessive guys (with fantastic amounts of mousse in their hair) living in a time warp! How creepy can we get? Let's look:

Tonight it's very clear

As we're both lying here

There's so many things I want to say

I will always love you

I would never leave you alone.

Therapists recommend individual "me time" for a healthy relationship. Peter Cetera wants you to know that therapists have never been in a kind of love that requires a restraining order. Going to work? Peter is going to be there with you. Going out with friends? To the grocery store? To the bathroom? Peter is there to check in on you.

I am a man who will fight for your honor

I'll be the hero you're dreaming of

Batman?

We'll live forever knowing together

We did it all for the glory of love.

Actually, she's doing it for the potential alimony and child support.

You'll keep me standing tall.

You'll help me through it all.

What's that? Rehab? What's going on here?

I have always needed you.

I could never make it alone

It took three people to write this song?

Just like a knight in shining armor

From a long time ago

Just in time I will save the day

Take you to my castle far away

Did the sheriff of Nottingham make an appearance? What in God's name happened to take us back in time to knighthoods and castles? What is clear is that chivalry is alive and well. Peter Cetera is so chivalrous, he'll kidnap you and transport you over state lines.

Song: Young Girl

Sung by: Gary Puckett & The Union Gap

Written by: Jerry Fuller

Gary Puckett has come back with a double-dose of weird love song action. Ahh, the tender images of potential statutory rape in song!

Young girl, get out of my mind,

My love for you is way out of line

That's what the judge said, too.

Better run, girl,

You're much too young, girl

I've often thought the threat of statutory rape should be set to a pop song beat. Nothing teaches the kids about predatory old men quite like when that predatory old man tells them he's dangerous.

You've kept the secret of your youth,

You led me to believe 

You're old enough

To give me love.

Well, if she knows the secret to youth, she might want to let Paul Anka's Diana know what it is. Word on the street is that she's looking pretty haggard these days.

And though you know that it is wrong to be alone with me,

Alone with me,

That come-on look is in your eyes

Her eyes are really saying, "Come on, don't kill me!"

So hurry home to your mama

I'm sure she wonders where you are

My first guess where the girl is? Peter Cetera's castle.

Song: You're Having My Baby

Sung by: Paul Anka w/Odia Coates

Written by: Paul Anka

Not to be outdone, Paul Anka sees Gary Puckett's creepy love songs, and raises him a creepy love song with a misogynistic bent.

Havin' my baby

What a lovely way of sayin'

How much you love me.

That's right, lady--that's HIS baby. Sure, it might be gestating for nine months in your womb, but Paul Anka is pretty certain he's doing all the heavy lifting.

Havin' my baby

What a lovely way of sayin'

What you're thinking of me.

My guess is she thinks that bank account of yours looks pretty sustainable over the next eighteen years.

You're the woman I love,

And I love what it's doing to ya'.

Admittedly, swollen ankles, back pain, night sweats, and morning sickness are all lovable conditions.

You're a woman in love,

And I love what's going through ya'.

Yeeeeah, folks, sometimes I can't even make these lines up.

Didn't have to keep it,

Wouldn't put ya through it,

You could have swept it from your life

But you wouldn't do it,

No, you wouldn't do it.

References to abortions have always held such a great potential for toe-tapping excitement in a song, it's a wonder more songs haven't gone with that angle. Between you and me, The Beatles could have used a few songs referring potential abortions. But Lennon & McCartney must be too good for such things. And look how they turned out?