Famous Writers Shirtless: Ernest Hemingway

Writers are never known as the studliest or sexiest of people, but that doesn't stop them from showing some skin for the camera once in awhile.

So, occasionally we'll post some literary beefcake for your perusal.


Today:  Ernest Hemingway, again.

Pssh, I'm not impressed unless it's a sawed-off, buddy.

Admittedly, I expected a better bathroom from Ernest. There's a complete lack of wall accents and natural light. This bathroom looks like something a mob syndicate in eastern Russia would have out back.

So many things to wonder about--the least of which is Ernest's affinity for shirtlessness. Like, why a double-barreled shotgun? More importantly, why a double-barreled shotgun in the bathroom? Did a water buffalo just enter the room? What happened here? Do you keep the shotgun behind the toilet with the toilet plunger? How does this work?

The newest Ernest Hemingway look-a-like has been crowned.

Ernest Hemingway or Santa Claus--you decide.

If you have a thing for pleasantly plump senior citizen men with a striking resemblance to Santa Claus, but men who instead have an unwavering dedication to wearing varying shades of beige, I have good news. The annual Ernest Hemingway look-a-like contest occurred recently.

The overload of everything Ernest was held to coincide with what would have been the Nobel prize winning author's 118th birthday. The festivities were at Sloppy Joe's Bar in Key West, FL (a hangout Hemingway used to visit when he lived there), and the event attracted 153 entrants, including Paula Deen's husband.

No, seriously. Paula Deen's husband, Michael Groover, entered, and he actually came in 5th place. What a time to be alive.





The winner was 71-year old Richard Filip, who had entered the contest the previous six years. According to South Florida Reporter, Filip says he shares a lot in common with Hemingway beyond just the pretty face. "With Ernest Hemingway, I feel like he’s my brother from another mother," he said. "I fish a lot, I hunt a lot … I drink a lot, then I drink a little more, and then I drink a little more!"

In other breaking news, the phrase "brother from another mother" died today after a long battle with lameness. It was 87-years old.

Famous Writers Shirtless: Ernest Hemingway (with dog)

Writers are never known as the studliest or sexiest of people, but that doesn't stop them from showing some skin for the camera once in awhile.

So, occasionally we'll post some literary beefcake for your perusal.

Today:  Ernest Hemingway

Is Hemingway wearing shorts here? Is he nude? I fear he's going commando and letting things just air out. The New York Times might be doing us a great service.

With that face of confusion, you just know that dog has seen things it wishes it could un-see.

Some Famous Writer Once Lived Here: Key West, Florida

Some Famous Writer Once Lived Here is where we check out cities or towns that--you guessed it--a famous writer once lived. Picture the illegitimate lovechild between the US Census report and a tourist pamphlet from a local chamber of commerce. What's it like there today? Here's where we find out.


Today:  Ernest Hemingway, Tennessee Williams, and others once lived in Key West, Florida:

The Florida Keys are like a Diet Hawaii with half the travel time to get there in you live in the 48 contiguous states. You won't get leis, volcanoes, and the smooth, smooth rhythm of Don Ho's music to spice up your day like you would in Hawaii, but the Keys offer retirees in abundance, narrow roads, and the dulcet tones and bum lifestyle of Jimmy Buffet.

Diet Hawaiian waves as well.

While there are 1700 islands in the archipelago that makes up the Keys, most islands are ignored like a red-headed stepchild. Celebrities and tourists flock to Key West mostly, including Ernest Hemingway and Tennessee Williams. You know how you were forced to read To Have and Have Not in high school by your English teacher? You can blame Key West for stirring Hemingway's creative juices, as he wrote the book there.


The basics of Key West, Florida:

Location:
Nearly 160 miles from Miami via car, Key West is only 94 miles from the Cuban coastline. Whichever direction you choose to go, you'll end up at a nightclub swiveling your hips, which is probably a sight no one wants to see.

2010 Census:
Population: 24,649, down 3.3% from the 2000 Census. Florida is God's waiting room after all, so it looks like God's been busy.

Racial Makeup: 83.8% white, 9.7% African American, 2.1% two or more races, 1.6% Asian, and 0.4% Native American. No word on how many identify as Jimmy Buffet Parrotheads.

Great news for single women, as 55.4% of the population is made up of men. As long as you don't mind the smell of cheap beer, suntan lotion, and illicit Cuban cigars, you've got it made.

12.9% of locals live below the poverty line. Apparently poverty wasn't interesting enough for Hemingway to write about, though.


What to see, what to do in Key West:

Do you live in the middle of the desert and have never been to an aquarium before? The MOTE Marine Laboratory & Aquarium is there to fill the void in your life. On their website, they say, "The answers are in the ocean." I don't know what that actually means, but I hope it's the answer to what the Powerball numbers are for tonight's drawing.

Where were the answers in the ocean that night, MOTE?? Hmm?

If you're jonesing for a fix of Hemingway, don't worry. Key West is practically a shrine to the man, with a Hemingway Days festival held every July. The highlight is the Hemingway look-a-like contest, where mildly overweight 60-ish year old men with white hair and beards dress up like they're on safari. It's kind of like when your crazy uncle Frank forgets to take his meds and drinks too much at Thanksgiving.

Hemingway dress-up not enough for you? You can tour the house he lived in for nearly a decade, now a museum, and come across 50+ felines. Hemingway loved cats back in the day, and was once given a polydactyl (six-toed) cat called Snow White by a passing boat captain. Snow White was seemingly the amorous sort, as today there is an untold number of cats in Key West--including the 50+ at Hemingway's house--that are polydactyl.

One of Hemingway's cat's descendants with a mitt large enough to play baseball.

If you really need a break from Hemingway, there's always the Tennessee Williams Key West Exhibit. The exhibit is in a separate building and is not the house Williams owned and lived in from 1949 until his death in 1983. That house is privately owned today, and apparently the owners aren't interested in inviting hundreds of tourists into their living room every afternoon. So much for HGTV-style "entertaining."

The Chamber of Commerce has a section on their website about "Places to Propose" if you want to get married. The website page proceeds to simply tell you how much the license fee is ($93.50!),  some basic rules, and that you can get married in the Clerk of Courts office. After all, nothing says romance like the Clerk of Courts office. But let it be known that at no point on the "Places to Propose" page does the Chamber of Commerce actually tell you where to propose. Small missed detail.


Where to eat in Key West:

Looking for that restaurant that hitches its wagon to famous writers some way or another? There's the Hot Tin Roof restaurant. Sure, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof deals with alcoholism, but why focus on the negative? The restaurant is upscale, and charges $22 for a basic cheeseburger, showing that alcohol might even affect menu pricing decisions, too. That's called synergy, folks!

Time to get boozin'.

Two Friends Patio Restaurant claims its history goes back to 1886, where it opened as a saloon. They say the restaurant's name came sometime after World War One, but don't explain how. Personally, I always enjoy vague allusions in my history lessons. Keeps me guessing.

If you REALLY want to see that Ernest Hemingway look-a-like contest mentioned earlier, swing over to Sloppy Joe's Cafe, where it's held annually. Get your fix of impersonators and cheap American beer all in one.

So...much...Ernest.

To cap off the night, there's Better Than Sex, which is an intimate dessert-only restaurant. Their drinks go by the names "The Klimax," "Shelby's Shocker," and "The 'Money' Shot," while their desserts are named the likes of "Cookie Nookie Pie," "Tongue Bath Truffle," "The Missionary Crisp," and "Fork You Fondue." I don't know if any of this is better than sex, but my curiosity is piqued.



Isn't Judy Blume occasionally a resident of Key West, too?

She is, but no word if she has a polydactyl cat.


Tennessee Williams' thoughts on Key West:

"There are punks here. That’s because a couple of gay magazines publicized this place as if it were the Fire Island of Florida. It isn’t. One Fire Island is quite enough. But it attracted the wrong sort of people here: the predators who are looking for homosexuals. I think the violence will be gone by next year."

Followed up with: "I’ve been here longer than (the predators of Key West) have, and I’m not leaving."

Time Magazine and the writers who actually made the cover, 1930s edition

As should be obvious, Time Magazine is a news source, most famous these days for naming their Person of The Year every late December and...not much else. Ask your grandfather what it was like to read Time back in the 1950s. It was something then.

To be on the cover was almost considered an honor years ago when the magazine started in 1923, only for the most noteworthy, notable, and noted individuals in the world. Politicians, religious figures, scientists, dictators, athletes, business leaders, and celebrities the world over all made the weekly cover. And, occasionally, so did writers. It's true! Writers were once famous and important.

Previously, we noted the famous authors, playwrights, and journalists--writers in general--who made the cover of Time in the 1920s and made writing seem important, briefly, during that decade.

So, now, we continue with the 1930s:


1.)  We now know the trivia answer to "What was Willa Cather's middle name?" Apparently it's Sibert, which I didn't see coming. If that's asked at your local bar trivia night, they're going deeeeeeep.

Willa Cather, August 3, 1931

2.)  Making his THIRD cover appearance in under a decade, Eugene O'Neill gets the sketched/drawn treatment, which keeps his typical boyish charm and broad smile apparent  vacant death stare that suggests you better not take a nap around him.

I'm not certain what blackmail material O'Neill had on the editors at Time to warrant THREE covers, but he wasn't done in years to come.

Eugene O'Neill, November 2, 1931

3.)  You know it was the 1930s because men wore pocket squares as big as their head and they could casually smoke a cigarette on the cover, as Noel Coward does here.

Sitting on an end table is timeless, though.

Noel Coward, January 30, 1933

4.)  It's quite possible everyone in the 1930s was simply miserable, as Gertrude Stein sees Eugene O'Neill's general unhappiness and raises him a mild depression.

Bonus points for the sweater vest, though. Stein looks like she's a costar to any Johnny Depp or Winona Ryder movie, circa 1992. She was ahead of her time. (See what I did there?? Ehh??)

Gertrude Stein, September 11, 1933

5.)  While not an author, Alice saw a resurgence in popularity some seventy years after it was first published by Lewis Carroll.

Seeing as it isn't an author, this is as enthusiastic as anyone related to writing gets on the cover of Time in the 1930s.

Alice in Wonderland, December 25, 1933

6.)  Next upon the cavalcade of joy general disdain for humanity is James Joyce, who in the coming years will not only take over Eugene O'Neill's penchant for dourness, but become the dominant face of writers appearing on Time.

Apparently the editors at Time wanted to make sure Americans immersed themselves in lengthy, bleak, gloomy works the whole family could enjoy!

James Joyce, January 29, 1934

7.)  Put up yer' dukes, because Upton Sinclair is ready for some action!

Upton Sinclair, October 22, 1934

8.)  I've always wondered why photos would show posed subjects staring off to the side. Did Virginia Woolf get distracted? Did she just think up another 2,500 word sentence or five page paragraph to write? What's going on here?

Virginia Woolf, April 12, 1937

9.)  I can't tell you why Ernest Hemingway's first appearance on the cover looks like it was a 10th grade art project, or why his face is skinny but his torso looks like he's pushing three bills.

Ernest Hemingway, October 18, 1937

10.)  William Faulkner really wants you to count how many variations on beige you can make out on his cover.

William Faulkner, January 23, 1939

11.)  Admittedly, at first I thought James Joyce's second cover appearance was him asleep while reading, which would have been very laid back of him.

James Joyce, May 8, 1939

12.)  You're probably saying, "Who now?" But regarded by some as "The First Lady of Journalism," Dorothy Thompson was so popular a writer that the Nazis kicked her out of Germany before America became involved, and Katharine Hepburn based one of her most famous movie roles on her.

Anytime you're irking Adolf Hitler is a sign your writing has power. It's a good thing.

Dorothy Thompson, June 12, 1939

13.)  Unless you're a theater snob, you just asked, "Who now?" a second time.

George S. Kaufman was all the rage in theater for a time. In the 1930s he won two Pulitzer Prizes, one for a drama and another for a musical he wrote. Years later, he'd win a Tony Award as director for Guys and Dolls.

This is all to say I just prepped you for that obscure Jeopardy! category someday.

George S. Kaufman, November 20, 1939

14.)  That's a borderline smile I see from Carl Sandburg! I think the lips are slightly curled upward! We're ending the decade with the slightest hint of happiness!!

Carl Sandburg, December 4, 1939

Should they sit at the kids' table or with the adults? 49 famous writers as children judged for holiday dinner plans.

Growing up, did your family have a large gathering during the holidays that required bratty children to be banned to a small side table? You know how it happened: A 7-year old version of yourself awkwardly sat beside your gawky cousins with the lazy eye and head lice who didn't have the motor skills to properly feed themselves without spilling half of their mashed potatoes all over their lap. Then you'd look with envy at the adults' table and silently pray you'd be invited over to dine with them.

That happened to a lot of us.

We were all kids at some point though. Some of us were debonair, and some of us ate paste. And famous writers were no different.

Here are famous writers when they were children or teenagers--and the decision whether they should luck out and eat with the adults or be at the kids' table for whatever holiday meal you're enjoying:


1.)  Albert Camus

If Camus sits at the kids' table, that jerk cousin will make fun of his cauliflower ear and budding two pack-a-day smoking habit.

Verdict:  Adults' table!
____________________


2.)  Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Listen, if you're bringing Mr. Bear, that's just going to take up space. The sassy hand wave doesn't help matters.

Verdict:  Kids' table!
____________________


3.)  Anna Akhmatova

The poor woman can't even get a seat during photo shoots with her brother. The least she can have is a proper seat at a holiday dinner.

Verdict:  Adults' table!
____________________


4.) Beatrix Potter

If I want to be scowled at over dinner, I'll just look to my uncle nursing his seventh scotch for the night.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


5.)  Bertrand Russell

Is that a cricket bat or is he coming to dinner armed? If that's the case, he can lay down the law with the children.

Verdict:  Kids' table!
____________________


6.) Boris Pasternak

Boris, the older brother here, came dressed to the nines for dinner, or to lead a small navel ship into battle. One or the other.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


7.)  C.S. Lewis

The hand on the knee and defeated face is the look of any adult over the age of thirty Monday through Friday.

Verdict:  Adults' table!
____________________


8.)  Czesław Miłosz

That's the look of sheer enthusiasm right there. It's probably best to let him decide where the hell he'd like to sit to keep things calm.

Verdict:  Wherever he wants to sit.

____________________


9.)  Doris Lessing

Admit it, you just looked at her and immediately judged she shouldn't have to deal with those miserable cousins at the kids' table.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


10.)  Ernest Hemingway

He's probably smuggling a small shotgun and a flask of whiskey under that gown. You don't need that combination headache.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


11.)  Eugene O'Neill

He's just going to judge the side dish you brought and sit there sulking all dinner with that face. You know this is true.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


12.)  Ezra Pound

A half hour into dinner, he's going to start promoting fascism, and then a fight will break out over the green bean casserole.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


13.)  Frank O'Hara

That's the face of someone who's going to politely ask you to pass the peas, and then eat in silence beside the deaf elderly grandmother at the table.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


14.)  Gabriela Mistral

Is this a holiday dinner or are we having a child bride? When did this become creepy?

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


15.)  Gore Vidal

It's Gore Vidal. He'll write a scathing review of how you overcooked everything, and then make fun of your clothing, crow's feet, and lack of exceptional footwear.

Verdict:  Not even invited to dinner.

____________________


16.)  Hermann Hesse

Sure, he looks super serious, but someone needs to stand up to that aunt railing about her political leanings.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


17.)  James Joyce

Oh, boy, I can't wait to listen to a twenty-minute, incoherent, stream-of-conscious story from him about his teddy bear and a fire truck.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


18.)  Joseph Conrad

The heart of darkness isn't just the title of Conrad's most famous work. It's Conrad's childhood soul.

Verdict:  Kid's table!

____________________


19.)  Kurt Vonnegut

How can you watch this short interview Vonnegut did a few years before his death, and not want to share a drink and dessert with him?

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


20.)  Octavio Paz

Admittedly, he looks like an insurance agent or an actuary, but he won't ruffle feathers at the dinner table.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


21.)  Pearl Buck

She might be the most levelheaded guest at dinner, and that's even after four glasses of wine.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


22.)  Samuel Beckett

If you offend him in the slightest way over dinner, he might sue you.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


23.)  Thomas Mann

He needs to sit with the grown-ups just so he can have a serious conversation with his parents as to why they dressed him like a poor man's Tron.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


24.)  Winston Churchill

The 1953 Nobel Prize winner in literature could tell a good story. He probably also has a half dozen nips of gin strapped to him in this photo.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


25.)  F. Scott Fitzgerald

If you're already pouting before you even make it in the house, you're just going to be sour over dinner. No one needs that.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


26.)  Gabriel Garcia Marquez

He. Is. Staring. Into. Your. Soul.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


27.)  Gertrude Stein

Well, if you want her to critique how the appetizers ran too long, and how the main course was lacking a proper protagonist, so the whole meal needs to be done over--and THEN properly invite her when you goddamn know what the hell you're doing with this meal, you might as well send her to the...

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


28.)  Hans Christian Anderson

He'll somehow venture off into a story of how you could kill an evil witch by boiling her in the gravy boat--and it'll be subtly creepy, no doubt--but he'll keep things interesting.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


29.)  Henry Miller

No one is allowed to dress more flamboyantly at the dinner table than grandma who's completely bought out the Home Shopping Network of their most garish clothing and jewelry.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


30.)  Jack Kerouac

Something about Kerouac makes me uneasy, like he's the kid who has a meltdown and throws his whole dinner plate against the wall while screaming that no one understands him. Admit it--this is the face of a kid you could see doing that.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


31.)  Countee Cullen

The most sane and level-headed conversation you'll have over the entire holiday season of dinners and get-togethers will be with him. High five him if he sits beside you at the table.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


32.)  Truman Capote

He looks so sweet and innocent! Then, in twenty years, he'll create a fictional character on you that's befuddled, a lush, and acidic in nature, and he'll say it was all because you didn't hand the peas and carrots over to him at a holiday dinner quickly enough when he was 5-years old, and he holds grudges. So, you know...

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


33.)  William Faulkner

True story: In this photo, William Faulkner had already downed two bottles of vodka.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


34.)  Ayn Rand

HA! Hahahahahahaha...hahahaha. ((catches breath))

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha--------no. She hates us all.

Get a restraining order.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


35.)  Yukio Mishima

He might try to throw a coup d'état if dinner doesn't go as planned, and then things will become really grim after that.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


36.)  Rudyard Kipling

It depends--are you going to get the relaxed, humbled Kipling who wrote "Gunga Din," or the elitist and creepy Kipling who wrote "White Man's Burden" to sit across from you during dinner? If you have to ponder the question, the answer is clear.

Verdict: Kids' table!

____________________


37.)  Julia Kristeva

Even as adorable as she looks, she's going to psychoanalyze you and then write a cultural study on the events that occur at dinner. You won't understand half of what she's alluding to, you'll feel stupid, and then suddenly the holiday party just became sad.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


38.)  Pablo Neruda

Not everyone can rock sensible slacks underneath a flowing robe.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


39.)  Rabindranath Tagore

The rakish headwear will be a talking point at dinner. We all know this.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


40.)  Alice Walker

As if.

As if you'd send that adorable face to have a miserable dinner with unruly distant cousins.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


41.)  Seamus Heaney

He's Irish, so at least he'll be a little lubed up by the time the main course is served. Then the real conversation begins.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


42.)  Sylvia Plath

Are you her father? No? Her husband? No?

Okay, dinner will be safe.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


43.)  Katherine Mansfield

She'd probably politely ask you about your work, life, kids, and then help you clean up after dinner, all while profusely thanking you.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


44.)  Lewis Carroll

He had honours in mathematics while at Oxford. In other words, a real live wire of excitement.

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


45.)  Marcel Proust

Do you have 38 hours to spare to listen to Proust detail the significance of candied yams?

No?

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


46.)  J.D. Salinger

The younger tyke in this photo--the real question is would he even show up to dinner, or go into hiding all day and make people question where he is?

Verdict:  Kids' table!

____________________


47.)  Jack London

I mean, he is bringing along a dog, as well as apparently a scuffed-up fedora, so things might be fairly interesting.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


48.)  Maya Angelou

Okay, so she will speak verrrrrry slowly during conversation, but she's not going berate you for overcooking the carrots at dinner, so take what you can get.

Verdict:  Adults' table!

____________________


49.)  John Steinbeck

Here's the sweetest kid at the holiday dinner party. He'll even offer to remove your plates, serve you dessert and coffee, and regale in you talking about yourself all night because he's honestly interested in you as a person. So, duh.

Verdict:  Adults' table!