Proposed Missouri law could land librarians in jail for objectionable material

A Missouri lawmaker has proposed a law aimed at making libraries "safe" for children--a law which critics say could land librarians in jail.

Rep. Ben Baker (R - Neosho*) introduced a bill that would create a five person parental review board to make sure "inappropriate material" does not fall into the hands of minors.

"The main thing is I want to be able to take my kids to a library and make sure they’re in a safe environment, and that they’re not gonna be exposed to something that is objectionable material," Baker told KOAM-TV news.

Missouri must be a hotbed of library hedonism, where the Judy Blume books practically throw themselves at small children.

"I just think that we need to be careful about funding something with our taxpayer dollars without parental consent," Baker said. Indeed, the parental board's decisions on what is or isn't "appropriate" will be final, with no appeal allowed from librarians.

Doubling-down on the legislation, librarians found to "willfully" disobey the board's rulings may be fined $500 or face up to one year of imprisonment in a county jail.

Before you dismiss Representative Baker's bill as being misguided, his own campaign website lists his belief in fighting for "excellence in education" and "defending personal liberties."

Because nothing educates a child quite like taking away their freedom to read a book.



* While Neosho sounds like the name of a futuristic city in some Japanese anime show, it's a small town of around 12,000 people in the southwestern corner of Missouri, down near the Oklahoma and Arkansas borders.

Don't assume it's a backwater no man's land. Its citizens have a multitude of things going for it, including a Walmart, a Taco Bell, and a gnawing sense of desperation and melancholy you just won't find anywhere else.

Once-banned literature used to create imitation Parthenon where books were once burned.

Argentinian artist Marta Minujin used over a 170 different banned book titles to create a full-sized recreation of the Greek Parthenon at the site where Nazi Germany once burned books.

Using over 100,000 copies of those banned books--along with plastic and some steel--Minujin built the art installation in the city of Kassel, where the Nazis burned 2,000 books as part of their "Campaign Against the un-German Spirit" in 1933. At the time, mainly books by Jewish authors and individuals against fascism were lit ablaze.

Marta Minujin is clearly more productive than you or I am.

According to Metro UK, Minujin asked students at the Kassel University to comb over books to find titles that have been banned all-time. The students brought forth works that included the likes of Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451, Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses, Khaled Hosseini's The Kite Runner, J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter collection, and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain.

This Parthenon stuff is old hat for Minujin, though. She created a similar banned book Parthenon structure in 1983 in her native Argentina after the military dictatorship fell.



photo: EPA/Filip Singer
photo: Boris Roessler/AFP/Getty

Images of Winnie the Pooh are banned in China...again.

Xi Jinping looks to see who else he can blacklist.

You would think being compared to a portly, soft-spoken, kindly little bear that has a jones for honey would be a good thing. You're lovable! You're adorable! You're sweet and hugable!

Not by Chinese standards.

It seems China's citizens have routinely taken to comparing their president, Xi Jinping, to the classic children's book character, often sharing Winnie the Pooh images on their country's social media platforms. This hasn't made the communist government happy. Photos like the following are what have irked the powers that be:

#winniethepooh has been wiped off from China's internet, because of this 2013 photo. #censorship (via @FT) pic.twitter.com/3LlN7T4FCZ

— Ajit Ranade (@ajit_ranade) July 17, 2017

As a result, all photos of Winnie the Pooh have been blacklisted on China's social media sites, like Sina Weibo and WeChat. This is potentially because the 19th Communist Party Congress is being held later this year, so politicians want to be shown only in the best light.

If Winnie the Pooh isn't a comparison of being in the best light, I'm not sure what is. At least Pooh wears a shirt. By comparison, Tigger and Eeyore are entirely naked. Xi Jinping should feel flattered at this point.

Newsweek Magazine: Which country today is most like George Orwell's '1984'?

Turkey!

Turkey is the big winner, according to Newsweek. Not Syria, North Korea, Eritrea, or even Turkmenistan. (Get a load of Turkmenistan's president and his personality cult. He's a winner at oppression, too!)

No, it's Turkey that's living up to the Orwellian horror show, mainly because they're a bit more nuanced.

And that's what you want from your countries winning at fear--a little bit of nuance with that oppression.

Mother wants texts banned from high school, while mildly confused about plots.

"My feeling is once something is that graphic, is there not another book? Cal is not Hamlet. There are other books about oppression."

That would be Siobhan Fallon Hogan speaking, a mother of a senior at Rumson-Fair Haven Regional School District in New Jersey--and she's none too pleased about the books and plays her nearly-adult son has to read for school.

Hogan has started a petition, garnering 250 signatures, and has taken her case to the school board to have two specific texts removed from required reading lists: the aforementioned Cal, and the play Death and the Maiden. Both texts are award winners, both are read widely in high schools across the country, and both usually aren't banned.

Cal does involve some violence, and includes a sex scene. Death and the Maiden has a back story about rape and similarly involves some violence. Both are seemingly too much for Hogan or her son's tender sensibilities to handle.

But Hogan apparently hasn't read much of Shakespeare's dramas, and especially not Hamlet, if she thinks it's a feel-good story. Why? Let's count up the deaths in Hamlet--and how they died--shall we?

• Hamlet is stabbed to death by a rapier coated in poison by Laertes!
• Laertes is stabbed to death by a rapier coated in poison by Hamlet! (What timing!)
• Gertrude is accidentally poisoned by Claudius!
• Claudius is poisoned in a couple ways by Hamlet!
• Opehlia decides to commit suicide by drowning!
• Hamlet's dad is poisoned through his ear!
• Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are both killed by pirates!
• And I don't know why I'm using so many exclamation points, but it seems appropriate!!

This doesn't even include Horatio, who was all set to off himself as well, but Hamlet talks him out of suicide, saying that someone needs to be left to tell the story of what happened. As if that isn't the most obvious thing Shakespeare ever wrote.

No decision has come down yet from the school board as to whether the two texts will be removed from the required reading list.

One thing is for certain though. Hogan was right. Cal is no Hamlet. Cal is a lot less violent and a lot more gentle to read.

Banned Books Week: The Most Challenged Books Of The Year

It's Banned Books Week, that one week a year when the American Library Association (ALA) reminds sensible Americans that there are still unhinged individuals out there who want to censor your reading material.

And as with every year, the ALA has released the top-10 books most frequently contested from the previous year. For 2014, they are:

1.      The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, by Sherman Alexie
Reasons: anti-family, cultural insensitivity, drugs/alcohol/smoking, gambling, offensive language, sex education, sexually explicit, unsuited for age group, violence. Additional reasons: “depictions of bullying”

2.      Persepolis, by Marjane Satrapi
Reasons: gambling, offensive language, political viewpoint. Additional reasons: “politically, racially, and socially offensive,” “graphic depictions”

3.      And Tango Makes Three, Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell
Reasons: Anti-family, homosexuality, political viewpoint, religious viewpoint, unsuited for age group. Additional reasons: “promotes the homosexual agenda”

4.      The Bluest Eye, by Toni Morrison
Reasons: Sexually explicit, unsuited for age group. Additional reasons: “contains controversial issues”

5.      It’s Perfectly Normal, by Robie Harris
Reasons: Nudity, sex education, sexually explicit, unsuited to age group. Additional reasons: “alleges it child pornography”

6.      Saga, by Brian Vaughan and Fiona Staples
Reasons: Anti-Family, nudity, offensive language, sexually explicit, and unsuited for age group.

7.      The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini
Reasons: Offensive language, unsuited to age group, violence

8.      The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky
Reasons: drugs/alcohol/smoking, homosexuality, offensive language, sexually explicit, unsuited for age group. Additional reasons: “date rape and masturbation”

9.      A Stolen Life, Jaycee Dugard
Reasons: drugs/alcohol/smoking, offensive language, sexually explicit, and unsuited for age group

10.  Drama, by Raina Telgemeier
Reasons: sexually explicit

All of these are ridiculous reasons to ban a book, obviously. But And Tango Makes Three holds a special spot on this blog, as I recounted the book being banned as far back as five years ago. The true story of penguin love affairs needs to be made into a Hollywood epic immediately. As I wrote five years ago:
______________________

The real-life story occurred when two penguins named Roy and Silo found the penguin dating scene a little thin in the zoo, so they hooked up on a platonic level and created their own sort of bachelor pad. Being in such close quarters, romance was bound to happen. In time, Roy and Silo decided to try dating casually, before things started heating up. According to zookeepers, the duo eventually tried hatching a rock together. Admittedly, sex education is lacking at the zoo. But who hasn't had that awkward sex stage at some point?

After being given an egg to hatch together, Roy and Silo brought Tango, their daughter, into their lives. Raising Tango to maturity, Tango would eventually mate up with a male, Tanuzi, and live happily ever after.

But the white-hot media spotlight on Roy and Silo doomed their romance. First, they were evicted from their nest by other aggressive penguins. The penguins didn't say anything to the media, but I'm just putting it out there that their landlord was homophobic. Soon, Silo was seeing women on the side, especially a morally loose female penguin from California named Scrappy. Meanwhile, Roy was last seen alone, single, and staring at a wall. (Yes, that link goes to a New York Times article.) The lust between Silo and Scrappy was short-lived, as the California minx was off seeing other penguins, stepping out on Silo before they got too serious. Alas, Roy and Silo could never rekindle their romance. Roy could never trust Silo for his philandering ways.

Greatest story ever told??

Greatest story ever told.
_________________________

Five years later, the book is still amongst the most banned books in America--and it's still the greatest story ever told.

Map of banned books shows that Texas and Connecticut finally have something in common.

Being Banned Books Week--the American Library Association's week-long focus on everything censored in literature--the Huffington Post put together a map detailing which states have had the most books challenged since 2013.

Oregon, North Carolina, Connecticut, and Texas all lead the way, showing how attempts at censorship reach every corner of America. The the first three states each cracked at least 10 attempts at book removal. But Texas? Everything's bigger in Texas. Texas is an overachiever at attempted censorship, with 114 cases since 2013.

On the flip side, this is also one of the few times Massachusetts and Nebraska have ever been equals at anything.

They both have had zero documented attempts at book censorship during that same period.



Map/Infographic: Huffington Post

Graduating college students are complaining about commencement speakers, so commencement speakers are cancelling.

Former University of California, Berkeley Chancellor Robert Birgeneau was scheduled to deliver a commencement address to Haverford College--in what can only be described as one of the more disappointing headlining commencement speakers in 2014. ("Hey, kids! We booked an official from another university to speak to you! And, to up the sexy, they're now unemployed!")

Some students at Haverford weren't too thrilled with the selection of Birgeneau, and not because they were hoping for A-list talent. A small group of Haverford students wrote Birgeneau to complain about his oversight of UC Berkeley during the Occupy Movement, when Birgeneau eventually demanded arrests be made after protesters ignored the co-camping rules of occupying Berkeley campus space. Regardless, some Haverford students found Birgeneau's response to be reprehensible, and demanded he step down as a commencement speaker.

He did.

Birgeneau isn't alone. In 2014, notable commencement speakers like former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and International Monetary Fund Managing Director Christine Lagarde, among others, have withdrawn as speakers at graduating ceremonies this year after students at respective colleges protested their involvement.

In case you think this is a matter of politics, of liberal versus conservative beliefs, think again. The Los Angeles Times (of a liberal bent) derided the students who demanded such commencement speakers step down, writing in an editorial:


"Still, the cascade of canceled speeches is worrying for several reasons. First, there is the uncompromising nature of the opposition: the demand that a speaker agree 100% with the protesters. This insistence on doctrinal purity is antithetical to the notion that a university ought to be an environment in which students, far from being protected from opposing views, are challenged to engage with them."


Let's face facts. The real challenge here for students was having to listen to Robert Birgeneau for twenty minutes.

TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post might incite a fear of words.

If, in your lifetime as a reader, you've ever read Toni Morrison, John Steinbeck, William Faulkner, Chinua Achebe, Mark Twain, or others, and didn't feel emotionally harmed in the process, you might have escaped a horrible fate--of feeling.

According to the New York Times, colleges are struggling with requests from students (and others) to affix a 'Trigger Warning' in a syllabus regarding texts which might instigate an adverse reaction or emotional trauma to the reading material--for any reason. Colleges and universities like Oberlin College, the University of Michigan, Rutgers University, and George Washington University have all instituted rules regarding these 'Trigger Warnings,' which has some people concerned that things have gotten out of hand.

Says the Times:


"The most vociferous criticism has focused on trigger warnings for materials that have an established place on syllabuses across the country. Among the suggestions for books that would benefit from trigger warnings are Shakespeare’s “The Merchant of Venice” (contains anti-Semitism) and Virginia Woolf’s “Mrs. Dalloway” (addresses suicide)."

Chinua Achebe realizes he just triggered himself.

As the tide toward being overly-sensitive to literary texts gets excessive, professors--who are usually overtly sensitive to texts' potential to offend--are now fighting back. Oberlin College released a guide which suggested professors mark up a syllabus with 'Trigger Warnings' in case any text might offend a student.

Continues the Times:





“Be aware of racism, classism, sexism, heterosexism, cissexism, ableism, and other issues of privilege and oppression,” the [Oberlin] guide said. “Realize that all forms of violence are traumatic, and that your students have lives before and outside your classroom, experiences you may not expect or understand.” For example, it said, while “Things Fall Apart” by Chinua Achebe — a novel set in colonial-era Nigeria — is a “triumph of literature that everyone in the world should read,” it could “trigger readers who have experienced racism, colonialism, religious persecution, violence, suicide and more.”


If you've experienced racism, colonialism, religious persecution, violence, and suicide in your life, not only do you need to reexamine what you did to piss off a variety of religious deities, but you're also going to be a millionaire once you get that memoir published. But I digress.

Pause for a moment to think of Oberlin's logic regarding Chinua Achebe's "Things Fall Apart." Achebe's novel is something "everyone in the world should read," but--hey, not everyone everyone. Just everyone with a pathological inability to feel human emotion.

Since being emotionally cold and distant to literature isn't really how reading works, some are arguing against 'Trigger Warnings,' like Jill Filipovic at London's The Guardian, who writes:


"College isn't exactly the real world either, but it's a space for kinda-sorta adults to wade neck-deep into art, literature, philosophy, and the sciences, to explore new ideas, to expand their knowledge of the cultural canon, to interrogate power and to learn how to make an argument and to read a text. It is, hopefully, a space where the student is challenged and sometimes frustrated and sometimes deeply upset, a place where the student's world expands and pushes them to reach the outer edges – not a place that contracts to meet the student exactly where they are."


Except college is becoming an intellectual vacuum--at least in the humanities departments--where professors fear the wrath of offending students with literary choices, even if those choices lead to enlightening discussion and collective examination of broader topics by the entire class.

Don't believe me? Professor Marc Blecher tells the Times:


“If I were a junior faculty member looking at this while putting my syllabus together, I’d be terrified. [...] Any student who felt triggered by something that happened in class could file a complaint with the various procedures and judicial boards, and create a very tortuous process for anyone.”


"Torture."

And, so, the triggering cycle begins.  A book triggers an unpleasant emotional response in a student...who files a complaint with the university...who sends the faculty member to meetings and judicial boards...who decide the professor was egregious with their literary selection by not realizing the depth of triggering response potential...so the board places the professor on some sort of academic probation...causing the faculty member to be traumatized (because they aren't tenured and are only making $32,000 a year without health benefits, and the rent's due)...so the following semester the teacher can't bring themselves to create a class syllabus with any meaningful text...and are frightened by the sight of stacks of blank syllabi...and, thus, incapacitated and incapable of doing their job, so their employment is terminated.

The circle of life.



photo: mije.org

Complaint asks Dr. Seuss to be removed from Toronto library.

Six complaints were filed with librarians at the Toronto Public Library in 2013, asking for five books and one movie to be removed from the collection.

One of the five books was Dr. Seuss's 1963 rhyming ode to fatherhood, Hop on Pop. According to library documents, the complainant argues the book "encourages children to use violence against their fathers," and asks the library to apologize to dads while paying for any damages that occurred from the book.

The library found the book actually discourages children from hopping on pop at all, and decided to keep the book within their children's collection.

The reign of terror from Canadian three-year olds will continue.




On the flip side, the movie complained about was Adam Sandler's That's My Boy. That person is just a hero.

High schools have forgotten James Baldwin.

The New York Times dives into the problem of James Baldwin's non-existence in high schools. The famed writer known for stories and texts regarding race and sexuality in America, who would have turned 90-years old this year, has largely fallen from the educational landscape in high schools after spending the 1960s and '70s as one of the cornerstones of scholarship.

So what happened? Rich Blint, a Baldwin scholar, has an idea he shares with the Times.

“I think he’s not taught as much anymore on the high school level because he’s incendiary and, for some, inflammatory,” said Rich Blint. [...] Paradoxically, the belief that the country is somehow postracial, Mr. Blint said, has shut down some discussions about race. “Think about how impoverished our racial conversations are now,” he said.

Other reasons cited, according to the Times? Censorship, Americans lack of reading, and Baldwin's exclusion on the list of suggested texts in the Common Core Standards all minimize his standing, as does the emergence of other black writers in recent decades, like Toni Morrison and Maya Angelou.

What's undervalued here is the Common Core Standard--adopted by 44 states as a guideline for curriculum in schools for math and English--which includes a 183 page document of "suggested" reading material for every grade from K-12. While proponents of the Common Core argue the reading list suggestion isn't a statement on the literary canon, it's hard to avoid the implication that leaving a writer off the list doesn't also devalue their reputation in the eyes of a teacher who, to varying degrees, might feel forced to teach toward said list. When teachers deal with angry parents over book selection, what teacher dares select something omitted from the Common Core? Something involving "incendiary" takes on race and sexuality?

James Baldwin's exclusion from the Common Core and lack of recent interest in high schools? Maybe it's coincidence.

Or probably it's reality.

Penguin books agrees to recall book in India, destroy all copies.

Hindu nationalist group Shiksha Bachao Andolan filed a suit in India in 2011 against scholar Wendy Doniger's book The Hindus: An Alternative History, claiming the book inaccurately represented the religion, and did so with largely overt sexual tones. This, the group argued, violated the Indian penal code that bans "deliberate and malicious acts intended to outrage religious feelings or any class by insulting its religion or religious beliefs."

After deliberations, Penguin has come to an agreement with the nationalist group, agreeing to withdraw and destroy any remaining copies of the book. This comes on the heels of other publishers in the country removing "offensive" texts, such as Bloomsbury removing The Descent of Air India last month.

And, thus, India has suddenly become the Alabama of Asia.

FIRE Report: Majority of American college campuses restrict free speech.

And that doesn't even include students trying to restrict underpants-wearing statues...

According to the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (FIRE), 59% of American colleges and universities restrict the fundamental right of freedom of speech granted by the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.

In addition, another 35% of higher education institutions 'overregulate' free speech, based on FIRE's metrics.

That means only 94% of American colleges and universities limit the basic right to disagree. Hooray, open, intellectual discussion. Hooray, education!

These restrictions cover the gamut, including denying protests on campus or limiting where protests can occur--but also to make sure a protest doesn't offend any specific group. Sounds noble not to be a jerk, right? Except extreme cases occur, such as at Athens State University in Alabama, which FIRE documents, where the school's speech policy states a restriction on "any conduct consisting of words or actions that are unwelcome or offensive to a person in relation to race, color, national origin, age, marital status, sex, sexual orientation, disability, religion, genetic information, or veteran status."

Genetic information.

That...includes everyone. Literally, every living thing on the planet. Based on this, you can't disparage the Ebola virus--a disease that indiscriminately kills nearly every innocent person it infects.

Well, thank goodness Athens State covered their bases.

Statue of sleepwalking man in underwear causing panic at Wellesley College.

More than 100 students at the all-female Wellesley College have petitioned the school and its Davis Museum, asking administrators to remove the art, entitled Sleepwalker, which they feel is uncomfortable, a mere 24 hours after the statue's installation.

The petition on change.org--started by student Zoe Magid and written by Lauren Walsh--states, "[T]his highly lifelike sculpture has, within just a few hours of its outdoor installation, become a source of apprehension, fear, and triggering thoughts regarding sexual assault for many members of our campus community."

Continuing with the appeal, Walsh writes that "we ask that in the future, the Davis Museum and the College notify us before displaying public art, especially if it is of a particularly shocking or sensitive nature."

The artist, Tony Matelli, is still mum on the issue, but Davis Museum director Lisa Fischman wrote on the college's website that "I love the idea of art escaping the museum and muddling the line between what we expect to be inside (art) and what we expect to be outside (life). [...] As the best art does, Tony Matelli’s work provokes dialogue, and discourse is at the core of education."

For now, Sleepwalker remains walking.



photo: David L. Ryan, Boston Globe

Malala Yousafzai's book banned from libraries of 40,000 affiliated Pakistani schools.

I Am Malala, the bestselling book by Malala Yousafzai that detailed her life and experience fighting for women's educational rights under the Taliban's rule before being shot in the head by them, has been banned by Pakistan's private schools.

Adeeb Javedani, president of the All Pakistan Private Schools Management Association, which has banned the book in its school system, tells the Associated Press, "Everything about Malala is now becoming clear. To me, she is representing the West, not us."

Funny what not being shot in the head by a society does to someone.

Kashif Mirza, chairman of the All Pakistan Private Schools Federation, which has also banned Yousafzai's book, feels similarly. "Through this book, she became a tool in the hands of the Western powers."

Remember that, folks--whenever you're shot in the head, shake it off and get back to what you were doing. Books, not bullets--that's what's dangerous.

Neil Gailman's 'Neverwhere' removed from New Mexico high school after parent complaint.

Nancy Wilmott came across the book in her daughter's high school reading material and apparently didn't like what she saw from Neil Gaiman.

As she told New Mexico's KRQE news, "I cannot read this to you and put it on the news. It's too inappropriate. It's that bad."

This must be a revelation to the BBC, which created an all-star radio adaptation of Neverwhere earlier this year. Those saucy Brits!

Wilmott's outrage is over what she claims is sexual innuendo, fantasy violence, and harsh language.

As a result, Wilmott complained to the school administrator, which resulted in the book--which had been reading material at the school for nearly a decade--to be removed.

As Wilmott continued to tell KRQE, "A parent can't read a 400-page book to find out if it's inappropriate."

Absolutely. Because if someone else isn't going to raise your kids, who is?

A book about underpants was the most complained about library book in 2012.

The Captain Underpants series (with peppy titles such as The Terrifying Return of Tippy Tinkletrousers and the timeless Revolting Revenge of the Radioactive Robo-Boxers) outnumbered all other book titles in requests to be removed from library shelves, according to the American Library Association.

The children's books snatched the top spot, surpassing the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, which came in fourth place.

Because when it comes to the match-up between sadomasochistic sex and Fruit of the Looms, Americans fear sensible cotton undies more.

Canada tells librarians to shut it.

Canada's conservative government has issued new rules regarding librarians and online media. In short, don't talk online.

Claiming it's a "duty of loyalty" to the "duly elected government," Canada now requires librarians and archivists to receive permission from their manager before chatting online about...I don't know. Saucy romance novels? I imagine that's all librarians talk about. That and NPR.

The government even instituted a snitch hotline, where co-workers can drop a dime on that Chatty Cathy burning up an obscure librarian social network.

Because whenever I think of out of control, treasonous heathens, it's the plump, middle-aged librarian with a moderate knowledge of how to use Twitter.

Apple censors a book cover for being inappropriate.

Yeah, that's the cover to the left there.

SHIELD YOUR EYES, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOGMYGOD THEY USED TIMES NEW ROMAN FOR THE FONT OF THE TITLE OF THE BOOK-----WHO DOES THAT?

No, wait, that wasn't the issue. Apparently the artistic slope of a person's bottom is what so horrifyingly offends the great censors at Apple, so they've censored the book in their iTunes store.

According to publisher Europa (who privately loves that Apple did this to a little known book):

One would assume, then, they would also consider classical nudes by Ingres, Renoir, and Botticelli, not to mention photography by Man Ray inappropriate. What about New York Book Review editions of Dud Avocado, Tyrant Banderas, or our very own The Days of Abandonment? NOPE! All are available in the iTunes bookstore.

Europa Editions also mentions that the author, being Syrian, has seen her book censored in Syria over the content of the book--not for the cover.

Just to reiterate: Syria--at the hands of a dictator, in the midst of a civil war killing untold thousands--is more progressive with artistic representations of the buttocks than Apple, number 17 on the Fortune 500 and bellwether of technological advancements in the western world.

Why stop there though? Apple can start banning other famous pieces of art that show a little ooh-la-la.

Case 1:

Photographer Man Ray loved the nude form, and possibly no other is more famous than his Ingres's Violin. Painting the f-holes of a stringed-instrument on a photograph of model Alice Prin, Man Ray's artistic interpretation shows nearly an equal amount of back/tookus as Salwa Al Neimi's book cover.

Therefore, Apple must ban this.

Case 2:

This harlot! The Venus De Milo! At least she has the decency to put on a sarong and keep her derriere private--but, but, but, but she's a double-amputee! That's obscene!

And, you know, she's beaming, too.

Therefore, Apple must go to the Louvre and ban this.

Case 3:

This is just marble hedonism run amuck.

Michelangelo's David has the cauliflower happy place, the dimpled apostrophes of his rear, the pencil eraser chest dots--it's just...OBSCENE.

Therefore, Apple must go to Florence, Italy, and ban this.


And once Apple bans all of this, as a society we'll be safe.

Fashionable Words: Scuttlebutt

[Sometimes words die out of fashion. But sometimes those words are good words, words with a certain appeal that can't be denied forever. Those words should be brought back into fashion, used frequently and used often. These are those words.]






Word:
Scuttlebutt


Definition:  
noun
1.   A cask of drinking water on board a ship; a drinking fountain.

verb
2.   To rumor, gossip.


Origin:
Merriam-Webster claims scuttlebutt isn't a real word, and not in the dictionary.

We all know Merriam-Webster is a damned, dirty liar.

The OED claims 1801 as the birth date for scuttlebutt, born out nautical slang describing readily available drinking water. In turn, scuttlebutt is just a slightly altered version of scuttled, a 1743 nautical term that evolved into scuttled-cask, which evolved into that 1801 scuttlebutt.

American nautical boys are to blame for turning scuttlebutt into a synonym for gossip by 1901, when the word appeared in a random column in the magazine Smoking Lamp. Because when you think linguistic creators, you think of men wearing fancy little navy hats.

In essence, scuttlebutt is the origin for the idea of water cooler talk at work.


Most obscure UrbanDictionary.com definition of scuttlebutt:
Uhh, where to start:

5.   A strip club located in Slidell, Louisiana which is about 30 minutes away from New Orleans. Any one who lives here could tell you that Scuttlebutt is a strip club full of white trash/chunky/nasty chicks. Go to Bourbon St. for a real strip club.

6.   The immense amount of sweat in sweltering heat seen on one's ass.

7.   A deviant sexual act occurring while one partner provides...[Ed.: Yeah, I can't let that be said on this blog]...of the other. The one recieving the stimulation, also known as the "scuttle"...[Ed.: WHOA, no, definitely can't let this be mentioned on this blog]...known as the "scuttled".

The "Scuttled" has the option to [Ed.: Just, wow, nonono---no].

It is HIGHLY offensive to execute a Scuttlebutt without forewarning. [Ed.: That goes without saying.]

9.   The act of a dog dragging its ass across the carpet.


Used in a sentence:
1.   While some believed Chuck was telling the truth about Bob's affair with Mildred, others felt he was just scuttlebutting.


Word Awesomeness Scale (1 to 5):
Five.

Just for the Urban Dictionary definitions alone.