Beer drinker cracks open a cold one, watches porn at local library.

A Sandusky, OH, man decided to spend a Tuesday night relaxing with a few cold beers while watching porn on a computer.

There was a small problem, though. He was at the local library.

According to the Sandusky Register newspaper, at 7:15pm on February 4th, a resident alerted a police officer that they witnessed a man swigging back some beer and watching XXX material. Sure enough, after the office checked on the boozy book-lover, he found opened and unopened cans of Budweiser around the computer--with some extra cans stashed under the desk. Because you never want to run out once the party's started.

In the end, the man was charged with a minor misdemeanor count of having an open container in a public place and banned from the library for 60-days.

That's right. You, too, can go on a quick porn binge at the library and they'll invite you back in a couple months' time.

Public university president? No worries if you're in Texas.

Good news if you're the president of a public college or university and find that a salary under a million dollars, bonuses, and special accommodations aren't enough for your struggling lifestyle of driving only a Maserati. According to Forbes, things are looking up, especially if you're in Texas.

The Chronicle of Higher Education released their latest report on the highest paid public school presidents and chancellors, and two of the top three--and three of the top ten--come from the Texas system, all of whom made over seven figure salaries.

News gets even better for the poor schlub presidents scraping by on $800,000 a year: Salaries rose by 5%, on average, for public school administrators. This is compared to the usual 2-3% annual raise typically seen.

So who are the top ten paid public university presidents and chancellors?

1. Michael Crow, President, Arizona State University $1,554,058

2. William McRaven, Chancellor, University of Texas system $1,500,000

3. John Sharp, Chancellor, Texas A&M University system office, $1,280,438

4. W. Kent Fuchs, President, University of Florida, $1,102,862

5. Michael A. McRobbie, President Indiana University system $1,067,074

6. Eric J. Barron, President, Pennsylvania State University at University Park, $1,039,717

7. Michael V. Drake, President, Ohio State University, $1,034,574

8. Michael K. Young, President, Texas A&M at College Station, $1,000,000

9. Jean E. Robillard, Interim President, University of Iowa, $929,045

10. Raymond Watts, President, University of Alabama at Birmingham, $890,000

Let's not forget that both Texas A&M and the University of Texas' head football coaches made roughly $5 million EACH last year. The basketball coaches? Potentially around $3 million.

I already knew the stereotype that everything was bigger in Texas. I just never knew that meant public higher education salaries as well.



Let's not kid ourselves, though. Tenured faculty is always told there is no room in the budget for salary increases. Likewise, colleges and universities--public and private--are relying more and more on assistant professors that can be paid on the cheap with little to no benefits offered.

But at least the administrators found money in the budget for themselves. Phew--I was worried there for a moment.

Someone in Ohio really likes books and A1 steak sauce.

Everyone appreciates sauces. Béarnaise, Béchamel, Worcestershire, soy, Sriracha--a thousand others--we all get lathered up over a favorite sauce.

Which might explain why the Avon Lake Public Library in Avon Lake, Ohio, has found over thirty empty bottles of A1 steak sauce hidden behind the book stacks on shelves since January 1st. Why?

[[[shrug]]]

But someone out there believes A1 and Hemingway are on the same level.

"There’s no label, and the labels have been peeled, but you can tell there had been a label on. They’re dishwasher clean, dry inside and out, just a hint of A.1. still lingering in the bottle," said the library's Jill Ralston to Cleveland television station WOIO.

So someone is huffing the A1 bottles?

Anyway, according to Ralston, sometimes the library staff members find three or four hidden bottles a day. She worries it's some game and the library doesn't know the rules.

"Are we messing up the game by finding them and removing them from the shelf? I have no idea," said Ralston.

If so, this is the trippiest game of hide-and-seek anyone has ever played.

Good thing Red found it when he did: The 'Shawshank' tree is no more.

Hurry up, Red. That tree isn't going to last forever, man.

Stephen King wrote The Shawshank Redemption as a slice of the Maine prison system, and the movie adaptation played along and pretended it was rural Maine as well.

Except the movie's producers probably realized you never want to visit rural Maine under any circumstances, so they used a great deal of Ohio as a stand-in.

This included the area where Red (played in the movie by Morgan Freeman), once released from prison, seeks out a tree that his former prison mate, Andy (played by Tim Robbins), told him about. The tree was where Andy proposed to his wife--and buried at the base of the tree would be a tin with information and money for Red to come join in a new life with him.

In the book and in the movie, the tree is symbolic of hope and love and redemption.

Alas, Mother Nature doesn't care about your feels and doesn't care about Stephen King stories. Lightning struck the tree in 2011, badly damaging large portions of it. Then, yesterday, not one to wait around for the inevitable, Mother Nature drew up a fury of high winds which caused the tree to keel over.

Which sort of makes you wonder what Red would have done if the tree actually tipped over years before he ever found it in the book or the movie. Andy didn't think this through, did he? He can figure out how to chisel through prison walls and overthrow a corrupt warden--but the man never had a backup plan if Mother Nature went on a tear.

That was the really lackluster alternative ending Stephen King never wanted you to read.

...and Louisiana definitely can't spell "definitely."

It was the week of the National Spelling Bee, when every awkward 6-to-14 year old who will be your future boss got on stage and impressed everyone with knowledge of obscure Latin-by-way-of-Middle-French words. This led everyone to question their own personal spelling abilities--and that's where Google came in.

The Great Google Machine dove into its search trends and found the most misspelled word by each state. They used search queries that started with "how to spell" followed by the word troubling people. The results turned out to be a snapshot of each state's psyche.

New Hampshire can't spell "diarrhea," nor can Arizona.

Florida struggles with "tomorrow," potentially because half of its residents might die before then.

South Dakota trips up on "gray," as the cold, desolate misery of living there infects their spelling. Michigan has "gray" concerns as well. But, you know. Michigan.

Minnesota wonders how to spell "broccoli," a mythical vegetable believed by locals to exist in faraway warmer climates.

Texas can't spell "niece," nor Nevada "cousin." Two words tripping up thousands of married couples in each state since the 1850s.

And then there's Massachusetts...which can't spell itself. That's right. The state with the most letters in its name, haphazardly thrown together as if blended in a Cuisinart, is troubling its own citizens to such a degree that people turn to Google for help.

Ohio doesn't have such problems since saying the state's name out loud practically spells itself. But Ohio can't spell "banana," so what do they know?

Oberlin College students are confused about a variety of things, including how to cook General Tso's chicken.

Hold onto your chef's hats, because you're going to be aghast at the culinary travesty going on at Oberlin College in Ohio. At least if you listen to Oberlin College students tell it.

While some college campuses across the country are staging protests over racial inequalities, religious freedoms, and the foundations of free speech--Oberlin students are upset over the food being served at their cafeterias. They claim the vendor in charge of feeding the student body, Bon Appétit Company, and the school itself are serving cuisine that is not only culturally insensitive, but a cultural appropriation.

Why?

According to the school newspaper, The Oberlin Review, and recounted in the New York Times, students find foods offered with an Asian bent offensive. Says the Times:

"The culinary culprits included a soggy, pulled-pork-and-coleslaw sandwich that tried to pass itself off as a traditional Vietnamese banh mi sandwich; a Chinese General Tso's chicken dish made with steamed instead of fried poultry, and some poorly prepared Japanese sushi."

One student, craving some homestyle Vietnamese food, was mortified at what Oberlin thought was a proper banh mi sandwich. "It was ridiculous," he told the Review. "How could they just throw out something completely different and label it as another country’s traditional food?"

That's what tens of millions of Italians have been saying about everything served at Pizza Hut and Domino's, but they're holding strong. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

But being a college student doesn't necessarily negate ignorance. See, General Tso's chicken isn't authentic Chinese food by any definition of what it means to be Chinese. That bastardization of Chinese food you're pounding back on New Year's Eve or after a bad breakup? That was created by Chinese immigrants to cater to Americans' horrible taste in fatty foods. If your General Tso's chicken comes steamed, that's not a cultural appropriation--that's a chef actually hoping not to kill you from a glob of grade-A American saturated fat.

And poorly prepared Japanese sushi? Soggy banh mi? That's just called horrible cooking. It's the societal equivalent of getting Kentucky Fried Chicken in Japan. (Of which there are 1,181 locations in Japan.)(Psst: Has anyone ever seen Colonel Sanders and General Tso in a room at the same time? The militarization of our chicken is happening before our eyes! Conspiracy theory!!)

Oberlin students seem confused by a lot of things, like how school cafeterias are supposed to work. You're supposed to be horrified by what's served to you in college, regardless of what style food it is. That way, when you graduate and can afford good food, you know what to avoid.

And that is where you get your education.

And then there were two: Ohio finally appoints a state poet laureate.

From the better late than never file:

Amit Majmudar has been named Ohio's first-ever state poet laureate. This leaves only two states to never have established the position in their respective histories--New Mexico and Massachusetts. (Although New Jersey and Pennsylvania abolished the position in their states during the Great Poetry Purge of 2003*. But at least they once had the position.)

No one really expects much out of New Mexico, save for some lovely vistas and turquoise jewelry. Massachusetts though? Roughly 765,000 colleges and universities crammed together, never mind countless famous writers, and not a single poet laureate to be found?

Sounds like someone's just being a contrarian.



*For reasons unknown, both states became irked by the notion of a state poet laureate in 2003. Because who needs culture, really?

88 college tag lines in the form of a poem.

The Chronicle of Higher Education took the tag lines of 88 colleges and universities and made it into a haphazard poem. It shows the repetition of pretty much a dozen words, rearranged in different ways, yet all saying the same thing.

Go to the site, as you can click on each line of the "poem" and see what college used such bloviating words.

The poem, as they constructed it:

Change Your Life. Start Here.
Life's Calling
It's Your Life
Your Extraordinary Life
The Life of the Mind
Change Your Mind. Change Your Life.
Minds. Motivated.
Inspiring Minds
Inspiring Innovation
Innovation Is Our Tradition
Innovation. Education.
Education for Service
Education for Individual and Social Responsibility
Education for a World Stage
Education for an Inspired Life
Education Redefined
Education on Your Terms
Your Education. Your Way.
Personal Education. Lifetime Success.
Personal Education, Extraordinary Success
Where Success Begins
Where Success Is a Tradition
Your Success. Our Tradition.
Experience Tradition. Expect Success.
Real Tradition, Real Success
Real Education. Above All.
Real Education. Real Results.
Real Life. Real Knowledge. Real People.
Real People Start Here
A Great Place to Start
It All Begins Here
Higher Education Begins Here
Your Career Path Begins Here
Great Stories Begin Here
Start Here. Go Anywhere.
Going Anywhere Starts Here!
Go Farther Than You Ever Dreamed!
From Here, It’s Possible
Possible Is Everything
Realize What’s Possible
Redefine the Possible
New Beginnings. Endless Possibilities.
Believe in the Possibilities
Seek Your Dream
Be Your Dream
Dream Big
Big Dreams Come True Here
Dream Bigger. Do Greater.
Do Something Great
Imagine What You Can Do
You Can Do That Here
Think. Do.
Think Big. We Do.
Dreamers. Thinkers. Doers.
Learn by Doing
Learn. Do. Live.
Let's Do This
Are You In?
What Will You Do?
Who Will You Be?
It’s All About You
Your Dreams. Our Mission.
One Purpose. One Mission. One Dream.
Start With a Dream, Finish With a Future
Imagine Your Future
Walk Into Your Future
Your Future Starts Here
Your Future Is Our Future
Your Future. Our Mission.
Your Future, Our Focus
The Focus Is You
You First
The Education You Want. The Attention You Deserve.
The Perfect Fit for You
As Distinctive as You
Like No Place Else on Earth
Exceptional Education. Exceptional Value.
Become Exceptional
Set Yourself Apart
Invent Yourself
Declare Yourself
Transform Yourself. Transform the World.
It's Your World
Your Place. Your Purpose.
Your Life. Your College. Your Way.
Why Go Anywhere Else?
When You Get Here You Understand
You're One of a Kind. So Are We.


A few thoughts:

1.) Colleges love tag lines using one word, maybe a few, and then a period, as if that makes it sound more powerful. It doesn't, but, hey, why be unique?

2.) "Like No Place Else on Earth"?

I thought that was Disney World or Dorothy from 'The Wizard of Oz,' but apparently it's the University of Hawaii.

I'd also like to point out that no place else on Earth is technically like anywhere else on Earth. Really.

And an educational bastion is running with this tag line.

3.) "Why Go Anywhere Else?"

Because you're the Iowa Lakes Community College, that's why.

I didn't even know Iowa had lakes. I thought Minnesota had a monopoly on those in the Midwest.

4.) "Real Education. Above all."

That's apparently the tag from Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University (which really rolls off the tongue) in Arizona.

Thank god it's real. I've been tired of all this fake learning I do.

5.) "Real Life. Real Knowledge. Real People."

Moberly Area Community College in Missouri is responsible for that gem.

Real people? If androids and robots are running other local colleges, I think we have a right to know.

6.) "Real People Start Here."

Kankakee Community College in Illinois offers us this.

What the hell is going on in the Midwest with fake humans strolling the hay fields? I, for one, welcome our robot overlords manning our crops.

7.) "Going Anywhere Starts Here!"

...says Cloud County Communty College, in Kansas.

I want to go to Mongolia, but does that mean I need to take a flight out of Kansas?

8.) "Believe in the Possibilities."

So says Gannon University in Pennsylvania.

Well, I believe I've possibly gotten poison ivy three times this summer, so thanks for the heads-up, Gannon.

9.) "You Can Do That Here."

A gem from Alderson-Broaddus College in West Virginia.

They clearly have a very liberal policy of what you can do. Because there are things I want to do that are illegal in at least 47 states, but I guess Alderson-Broaddus College lets me do it. (((high five!!)))

10.) "You're One of a Kind. So Are We."

University of Rio Grande, Ohio.

I think the only thing we need to wonder is...there's a Rio Grande in freaking Ohio?

Urban Outfitters claims red, mottled, "vintage" looking Kent State sweatshirt wasn't about people being gunned down.

In case you weren't born yet, have long-term memory loss, or are really horrible with American history, Kent State University has a past. And not a good past.

On May 4, 1970, Kent State students held a protest over President Richard Nixon's announcement of the Cambodian Campaign of the Vietnam War. Because of previous protests, National Guard troops were called in to monitor. By the day's end though, thirteen students would be shot by those same troops. Nine were injured, four were dead.

The events led to the famous song 'Ohio' by Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young:



This leads us to 2014, where overpriced clothier and housewares chain Urban Outfitters decided to sell a $129 'vintage' sweatshirt of Kent State, complete with a red spray pattern that looks strikingly like blood.

But we're all mistaken, Urban Outfitters insists. As they said in a press release:

“Urban Outfitters sincerely apologizes for any offense our Vintage Kent State Sweatshirt may have caused. It was never our intention to allude to the tragic events that took place at Kent State in 1970 and we are extremely saddened that this item was perceived as such… There is no blood on this shirt nor has this item been altered in any way. The red stains are discoloration from the original shade of the shirt and the holes are from natural wear and fray.”

Oh, okay then. It's not a horrible shirt making a buck off dead protesters. It's just a horrible shirt with blood-colored discolorations, holes, and fray.

Let me grab my wallet then.

Ohio apparently has never had a state poet laureate.

Poet laureate is the kind of position every politician loves to support. It's right up there with naming an official state doughnut or declaring corn muffins the official state muffin. (Massachusetts is actually behind the corn muffin stance.) It makes the politician look like a lover of the arts, a lover of literacy, a lover of old-timey values, and they get to look like they're committed to a cause. In this case, committed to the cause of poetry.

Which brings us to Ohio. The state senate unanimously passed a resolution to create the position of state poet laureate, a position that 44 other states have long gotten around to naming. For a state that produced such famed poets as Langston Hughes, Nikki Giovanni, and Paul Lawrence Dunbar, it appears an oversight made right.

Under the resolution passed, the governor will select someone to the position from a list of recommendations. Once chosen, the poet laureate will remain in office for four years and be required to hold four public readings. (It's a very intense work load.)

In case you're wondering, the five remaining states without a poet laureate are not some podunk like North Dakota or Nebraska. They are Massachusetts, Michigan, New Mexico, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania--the last two of whom which once had poet laureates, and then later abolished the position.

Which is why we can safely announce New Jersey and Pennsylvania hate poetry.

Which state uses racist language the most?

According to a study that researched racist words searched on Google, the state that searches for racist language most is West Virginia.

The Top Ten:
1. West Virginia
2. Louisiana
3. Pennsylvania
4. Mississippi
5. Kentucky
6. Michigan
7. Ohio
8. South Carolina
9. Alabama
10. New Jersey*

The only surprise here is Pennsylvania. But, really, go fifteen miles outside Philadelphia and the banjos and overalls crowd pretty much dominates.



*Don't even act surprised about New Jersey in the top ten. All the racist New Yorkers move there. It's one pitchfork away from a John Grisham novel.