Donald Trump doesn't read, even to kids.

When he was a running for president, then-candidate Donald Trump let the world know he didn't read books.

As The Washington Post described it--regarding if Trump ever read biographies of former presidents--he replied: "I never have. I’m always busy doing a lot. Now I’m more busy, I guess, than ever before."

The Post continued, explaining Trump's reading habits:


"Trump’s desk is piled high with magazines, nearly all of them with himself on their covers, and each morning, he reviews a pile of printouts of news articles about himself that his secretary delivers to his desk. But there are no shelves of books in his office..."


Fast forward to candidate Trump becoming President Trump, and nothing much has changed. At the annual Easter egg roll at La Casa Blanca--where presidents traditionally read to children--Trump still couldn't grab a random Dr. Seuss and take five minutes for rhyme time.

What we got was the Press Secretary--and human steam missile--Sean Spicer reading to some random child, alone, in a how-to of awkwardness:




Is that kid questioning his life decisions the entire time? Yes--yes he is.

Elsewhere, Attorney General Jeff Sessions read It's Not Easy Being a Bunny, a 39-page marathon that doesn't have much of a Wikipedia page, and goes for the low-low, moved-to-sell price of $6.01 at Barnes and Noble.

First Lady Melania Trump chose a children's book by Kathie Lee Gifford, Party Animals, to read.

First Lady Melania Trump read aloud "Party Animals" by Kathie Lee Gifford, celebrating differences & similarities in people. pic.twitter.com/yxNnASPqqE

— Mark Knoller (@markknoller) April 17, 2017

According to the Amazon description:


"Successful talk show host, singer, songwriter, actress, and author Kathie Lee Gifford has come up with a delightful book for children! Lucy Goosy is carefully reviewing her list of animals to invite for her birthday party. She has to make sure to invite the right guests so that her party will be perfect. But when she focuses on everyone's bad qualities, instead of good, she discovers that there is no one to attend! With a little help from the Wise Owl..."

Okay, that's enough. I was lost after calling Kathie Lee a successful singer and songwriter. Amateur mic night at the Chuckle Hut has better creativity.

Instead, our First Lady chose a book written by a ghost writer most likely created by a morning talk show host to share at Easter. That, and it had human kamikaze, Sean Spicer, indulging in a creepy read-along with random kid alone.

Yet, nowhere was the president.

By comparison, Barack Obama routinely read books to children, and not books by television hosts:

Here is a picture of Obama reading Where The Wild Things are to some children in 2014. pic.twitter.com/94jcn8BRYH

— India Knight (@indiaknight) January 16, 2017

Admittedly, Dr. Seuss and Maurice Sendak never featured Donald Trump in a book, which explains why he doesn't read them.

This would be a missed opportunity by them. Or good sense.

Humans have decorated eggs for thousands of years. Just...because.

It's not just your average patron at Denny's or chicken farmers who love a good egg, as humanity has always been fascinated with them. Therefore, since it's Easter, we might as well dive into why Easter eggs exist, and why there's a bunny going around with them in a basket.


Easter Eggs:

For some unfathomable reason, humans have always taken to decorating eggs. Long before Christianity, Islam, or Judaism existed, evidence shows humans decorated ostrich eggs 60,000 years ago in parts of Africa. The Sumerians and Egyptians maintained the tradition thousands of years before Moses or Jesus arrived on the scene, and those civilizations often placed decorated eggs in graves, too.

(((shrugs))) People have been buried with weirder things.

Let's assume the Sumerians' eggs looked slightly different.

It's largely a portrayal and symbolism of vitality and birth that captivated people. This fascination with eggs continued with Christianity after the death of Jesus, as followers began dyeing eggs red as a representation of Christ's blood at his crucifixion and sacrifice for all to have eternal life.

Bloody eggs commemorating murder? Gather 'round the kids! I know I'll never look at one of those PAAS Easter egg kits the same way again.

All the allure of a crucifixion!

Likewise, for centuries eggs were banned to be eaten during the forty days of Lent leading up Easter, part of a slew of foods and drink to instill a fast. Since chickens are uncooperative rebels and still have eggs nonstop, there was always a surplus of eggs to consume by the time Easter arrived, where feasts on hoarded eggs occurred so food didn't spoil.

The Western Christian denominations rescinded the ban long ago, so your Sunday morning omelette is still safe. Eastern Orthodox churches still maintain the ban, though. This might explain why you can find a Denny's in Japan, Qatar, and the United Arab Emirates, but nowhere Eastern Orthodox churches are popular.

Not popular around the Eastern Orthodox folks.

Many have tried to symbolize the egg in a Christian vein (despite egg popularity pre-dating Christianity by 58,000 years), suggesting the egg represents the tomb Christ's body was placed in, or, again, the potential for rebirth and eternal life. Alas, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John in the Bible never jotted that egg nugget down, so take it with a grain of salt.


Easter Bunny:

Short and simple, it was the Germans who popularized the Easter Bunny myth. Since none of this egg history really makes sense, let's invite the Germans to this international party to confuse it more.

Germany has always had a distinguished history with folktales, and the appearance of rabbits or hares in those tales frequently occurred. Stories about the animals were passed down through generations, often with allusions to their--(((ahem)))--procreation abilities.

As with all things related to spring, rabbits' sexual proclivities symbolized rebirth in Northern Christian churches, so much so that the "three hares" symbol became popular as a design accent on medieval churches. With Easter occurring only in the springtime, the combination of rabbits to the holiday was a simple addition for German folklorists.

None of this creepy old greeting card should make a lick of sense to you.

Tales of the Easter Bunny were passed down through the oral tradition before German physician and botanist Georg Franck von Franckenau wrote about the tale of a hare in his 1682 work De ovis paschalibus, which was the first written mention of the Easter Bunny.

German Lutherans popularized the Easter Bunny myth as a teaching tool to children, suggesting the rabbit would come on Easter to judge children on whether they deserved to be given the ever-coveted eggs. Yes, it's just like you always thought. The Easter Bunny really is just a springtime version of Santa Claus.

It's good to be number one.

The Pennsylvania Dutch Protestants and emigrating Germans to America brought this fable of the Easter Bunny with them, calling it "Osterhase" or "Easter Hare," and American commercialization and affinity for soft, fluffy looking animals took right on over from there.


Conclusion:

None of this explains or defends the cheap plastic grass in those Easter baskets or these guys:

Take a left at Ebay, go past the Rachael Ray recipe archive, and it'll be the first English blog on your right.

Last fall I checked in to see what keywords and phrases people used through Google/Blogger to read The Toolbox. What I learned was that Jhumpa Lahiri needs a bodyguard and some pepper spray.

It's been a few months since then. So, what's bringing people to The Toolbox this week?

Some of this week's top Google keywords (misspellings included):

1.) jhumpa lahiri  (shocking!)
2.) craig moreau  (sweeping the nation one sexy eye bat at a time)
3.) vendela vida  (the poor man's Jhumpa Lahiri)
4.) anglo saxon symbols (every day is Christmas here)
5.) byu code of conduct  (remember, kids--no mustaches!)





But weekly keyword totals cover a wide swath of searches. The Toolbox gets a lot of eyeballs. The real quirks show up in the daily keyword totals.

Some of today's more interesting Google keywords (misspellings included):

1.) hamsters and penguins  (Pssh, obviously...)
2.) "craig moreau"  (Quotes guarantee they find only THE Craig Moreau.)
3.) aintiant easter bunny  (Eh? Aintiant? Is that lisp talk for "ancient"?)
4.) amanda hocking spelling  (Is spelling a concern for paranormal romance ebooks?)
5.) justin bieber, liberty university  (The truth comes out about The Biebs.)

The Easter Bunny once ruled the ancient island kingdom of Minorca.

According to LiveScience, a skeleton reported to belong to an extinct species of giant rabbit was discovered in Minorca, a tiny island off the coast of Spain. Was this a relative of the Easter Bunny? My complete lack of background in science suggests it is.

If alive today, LiveScience reports this gigantic rabbit would be six times larger than today's rabbit served with a hollandaise sauce at the finest French restaurants. Scientists hypothesize it grew so large from a complete lack of predators on the island. This evolution also led to smaller ears, bad eyesight, and an inability to hop. That explains why the Easter Bunny walks upright and sometimes wears glasses.

How do scientists know from a collection of bones that the Easter Bunny's ancestors had bad eyesight and hearing? I don't know. Just as I don't know how the Easter Bunny makes Cadbury Eggs. It's all a mystery.





I know. You're wondering what this has to do with books, writing, education, learning--that sort of thing. Well, I like to think science is a field of study that book lovers enter if they know math. That and Peter Rabbit and Peter Cottontail were books about anthropomorphic rabbits. It's quite possible Peter Rabbit and Peter Cottontail summered in Minorca. I'm just putting it out there.