Oh, coronavirus. Sorry, Coronavirus-19. Or Corona-19. Or novel coronavirus. Or the mass hysteria gripping the world.
Whatever you call it, people are obsessed with hospital masks, toilet paper (why?), and washing their hands these days. While washing your hands is always a good thing, a little spritz of water doesn't do the trick.
Since health officials for decades have recommended washing your hands for 20-seconds (usually the time it takes to sing Happy Birthday to yourself twice), this led a U.K. teenager named William Gibson to create a website that generates song lyrics to accompany hand-washing posters by the U.K.'s National Health Service:
🎶 I made a little site in 24h that generates hand washing instructions accompanied by lyrics from a song of your choice instantly - check it out!
Washyourlyrics.com simply asks for an artist's name and song title, and it'll populate the hand-washing poster with lyrics timed to the poster's instructions:
— Reduced Shakespeare Company (@reduced) March 3, 2020
Sure, the Reduced Shakespeare Company could've picked a more lighthearted play than Macbeth. But if everyone is lathered up in hysteria, you might as well choose a play where nearly everyone dies.
When I was a kid, I memorized The Golden Girls and Cheers theme songs, like it was a Jeopardy category. I was made for karaoke at Japanese bars or to entertain 80-year old grandmas in their living rooms with my dulcet tones.
If you're over the age of fifty--or you're someone who was raised on Nick-at-Nite reruns by nostalgic parents--there's a chance these musical theme songs sound familiar to you. The definition of an ear worm is what these theme songs represent. You'll hum one of them for the next week while standing in line at Starbucks for a unicorn frappuccino. You'll hum them at a bus stop. You'll hum them walking down the street.
In the end, you--will--hum.
It seems many television shows from bygone eras with catchy themes had lyrics all along, except we never knew there were any words to them. THERE WERE WORDS.
So, here are eight television shows that were always known by a musical theme, but apparently had lyrics all along. Impress your grandma and sing them to her the next time you see her.
1.) The Dick Van Dyke Show
If you're over 60-years old, skip ahead. You're humming it right now as you read this.
If you're under 60-years old, The Dick Van Dyke Show was one of the most popular shows on television in the 1960s, routinely airing in the top-10 most watched shows. Its stars, Dick Van Dyke (shocker) and Mary Tyler Moore, both won multiple Emmy Awards for their roles.
And the theme song heavy on the brass section actually had lyrics all along:
So you think that you've got troubles? Well, trouble's a bubble So tell old Mr. Trouble to get lost! Why not hold your head up high and Stop cryin', start tryin' And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed. When you find the joy of livin' Is lovin' and givin' You'll be there when the winning dice are tossed. A smile is just a frown that's turned upside down So smile, and that frown will defrost. And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed.
That's passively-agressively depressing in a lyrical form. Just a hunch, but maybe that's why the producers of the show just went with the instrumental version.
It sounds better when the actual star of the show, Dick Van Dyke, actually sings it, as he did a few years ago on Rachael Ray's show, of all places.
When the 90-ish year old, white-haired star of the show sings it in a grandfatherly tone, it sounds quaint and adorable.
Hat-tip to Mary Tyler Moore for the sound effects.
2.) Hogan's Heroes
Hogan's Heroes took all the rib-tickling hilarity of Nazi POW camps and made a sitcom out of the situation. If you can't laugh at your own potential extermination, what can you laugh at, amiright?
The jaunty lyrics never sung before the show sound like a propaganda film come to life. A public service announcement for the U.S. Marines has less machismo then these words:
Heroes, heroes, husky men of war, Sons of all the heroes of the war before. We're all heroes up to our ear-o's You ask the questions We make suggestions That's what we're heroes for. All good heroes love a good, big fight Open up the bomb bays and brighten up the night. We earn laurels solving your quarrels You pull the roses, We punch the noses, That's what we're heroes for. What's a hero do? Well, we're not gonna tell ya Cause we wish we knew. That's why we heroes are so few. We've got a slogan From Colonel Hogan And Colonel Hogan's a hero too. Never flinch, boys, never be afraid, Heroes are not born, boys, heroes all are made. Ask not why, boys, never say die, boys, Answer the call, remember we'll all be heroes forever more
Well, after hearing that, I've already called my local recruiting office and signed up for a tour of duty.
Side note: Hogan's Heroes ended without World War II ever ending. Did the war ever end? Don't spoil it for me! I want to be surprised!
3.) Bonanza
There was a cute time in America--mainly around the 1950s and '60s--where everyone was in love with cowboys. The whole craze single-handedly kept John Wayne with employment for a solid two decades.
Bonanza aired for 14 seasons AND 431 EPISODES on NBC. Seinfeld, by comparison, in the 1990s had only 180. (And if you think that's insane, another cowboy show, Gunsmoke, which aired during the same era, HAD 635 EPISODES on CBS. Americans loved themselves some rootin'-tootin' stuff in the 1960s.)
The theme song of Bonanza was catchy, though. The version with lyrics never aired, but the original pilot episode had the cast sing them at the end of the episode.
I'm not afraid of any pretty maid — Bonanza! Bonanza! When I give a kiss to any little miss She'll learn a lot from me Hair of brown, hair of gold I'll take what I see We're not a one to saddle up and run — Bonanza! Bonanza! Anyone of us who starts a little fuss Knows he can count on me One for four, four for all This we guarantee
All the appeal of sexual aggression and brouhaha antics that usually leads to arrests and a court date. Sounds delightful!
4.) M*A*S*H
M*A*S*H was originally a 1968 novel made into a 1970 movie, which then became a 1972 television series that lasted eleven years. This is to say it was a cash cow.
It all had to deal with the hilarity of surgeons out in the field of battle of the Korean War--a war which, itself, only lasted three years. Nothing brings a hearty chuckle like extending the thought of warfare by a decade.
But M*A*S*H's theme had lyrics, written originally by the film director Robert Altman's teenage son. The song's title? Suicide Is Painless.
Clearly, it's a comedy built on a speedball of lyrical depression.
Through early morning fog I see Visions of the things to be The pains that are withheld for me I realize that I can see That suicide is painless It brings so many changes And I can take or leave them if I please The game of life is hard to play I'm gonna lose it anyway The losing card of some delay So this is all I have to say The sword of time will pierce our skin It doesn't hurt when it begins But as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger watch I bring A brave man once requested me To answer questions that are key Is it to be or not to be And I replied oh why ask me
What? No references to Lou Gehrig's Disease and cancer while you're at it? Where are the chuckles?!
In case you have short-term memory loss, remember that these weren't the lyrics to some horrifyingly depressing medical drama. This was a comedy show. But apparently nothing tickles the insides like the thought of suicide.
5.) Bewitched
Theme songs in the 1960s were always jaunty little 30-second numbers that apparently had a secret jazzy life, as we see with Bewitched's theme.
Here's Steve Lawrence, famous for being from the husband and wife duo of Steve & Eydie, but also known for a head of hair that required amazing amounts of styling products and creepy Vegas lounge club vibe where he's winking at you nonstop from the stage while he takes a drag from his menthol cigarette.
Bewitched, Bewitched, You've got me in your spell. Bewitched, Bewitched, You know your craft so well. Before I knew what I was doing I looked in your eyes That brand of woo you've been brewin' Took me by surprise. You witch, you witch, One thing is for sure. That stuff you pitch Just hasn't got a cure. My heart was under lock and key, But somehow it got unhitched. I never thought that I could be had But now I'm caught and I'm kinda glad To be Bewitched.
I'm just taken by any song that uses the word "woo" seriously in its lyrics. That takes some moxie.
6.) I Dream of Jeannie
1967 was the Summer of Love, which is to say everyone was in a haze and cloud of various, uhhh, medicinal products freely passed from one to another.
This also explains how two television shows about a witch (Bewitched) and a genie (I Dream of Jeannie) could somehow be the peak of television ratings then.
Jeannie had a boppy little musical intro which had lyrics thrown away by producers. Because when you're high on LSD, odds are the lyrics don't make much sense anyway.
Jeannie, fresh as a daisy. Just love how she obeys me, Does things that just amaze me so. She smiles, Presto the rain goes. She blinks, up come the rainbows. Cars stop, even the train goes slow. When she goes by She paints sunshine on every rafter, Sprinkles the air with laughter, We’re close as a quarter after three. There’s no one like Jeannie. I’ll introduce her, To you, but it’s no use, sir, Cause my Jeannie’s in love with me. She’s in love with me.
Oh, that not-so-subtle second line of how "she obeys me" can't go unheralded. The 1960s were such a hoot for casual misogynism!
7.) Star Trek
It's incredibly hard to find a video of the lyrics to the show without some fanboy of Star Trek dressed up like Spock or some random green alien singing the theme while snacking between their latest Taco Bell Supreme.
Many hours of my life were lost to find even just this basic video. Feel my pain.
Beyond The rim of the star-light My love Is wand'ring in star-flight I know He'll find in star-clustered reaches Love, Strange love a star woman teaches. I know His journey ends never His star trek Will go on forever. But tell him While he wanders his starry sea Remember, remember me.
Whosa--whatsa--whosa singing these lyrics? Is this a mystery woman? What just happened?
Now, Captain Kirk macked on a few women during his travels over the years, but these lyrics are straight out of Days of Our Lives. And a "star woman"? I didn't drink enough to understand what's going on right now.
8.) I Love Lucy
The timeless show--in that it's insane that after all this time people still know of I Love Lucy. It's only pushing seventy years at this point. No rush.
Move on? Pssh.
I love Lucy and she loves me We're as happy as two can be Sometimes we quarrel but then How we love making up again Lucy kisses like no one can She's my missus and I'm her man And life is heaven you see 'Cause I love Lucy Yes, I love Lucy And Lucy loves me
I have to call these lyrics out. The whole show was about how they argued 24/7 over everything, and yet their marriage was full of love? Really? Maybe Lucy doesn't actually love you, Desi--ever think of that? It's lovely to hear some smooth ballad crooned to your wife, but the remaining 23.5 hours of daylight you're yelling at her.
There's a reason Lucy and Desi had individual beds on the show.
That's right--strangely the debate for once is where, not who.
James Lord Pierpont was born in Boston, the son of a Unitarian pastor and abolitionist, and worked as a songwriter. His most noted composition was "The One Horse Open Sleigh," which would later gain worldwide fame entitled "Jingle Bells"--that holiday earworm beloved by kindergarteners worldwide hopped up on candy and caffeine and sung until their parents' ears bleed.
This means largely nothing except to local boards and chambers of commerce that are looking for any angle to promote their small towns and make a buck off a hapless tourist.
Enter Medford, MA, and Savannah, GA.
Savannah dances around the actual "where" part on their plaque.
Both locales have commemorative plaques honoring Pierpont, and both are damned if they're going to claim otherwise about their histories. If you're going to hang your hat on anything, it's a generic holiday song about sled races.
Are we going to call Mrs. Otis Waterman a liar?
Kyna Hamill, a theater historian at Boston University (and volunteer at the Medford Historical Society) decided to do the grunt work to figure out where, exactly, Pierpont penned the words. Her verdict? As she told BU Today and the Boston Globe, there's no proof he wrote the song in either town.
What's fact is the Pierpont's song was published in 1857 by Oliver Diston's publishing group out of Boston. Yet, throughout the 1850s, Pierpont moved back and forth between both Medford and Savannah. He moved down south to work with his brother, also a Unitarian pastor, and perform at the church as the organist and music director. He would also marry Savannah's mayor's daughter, and later fight for the Confederacy in the Civil War.
According to Hamill, Medford's claim that Pierpont wrote the song in 1850 is probably an editing screw-up based on a 1946 Boston Globe article that said the song was written in the 1850s, and the "s" simply was misplaced.
Yet, Hamill believes the most concrete evidence is that Pierpont actually wrote the song in Boston--not Medford or Savannah at all. Hamill discovered an 1857 playbill of a show in Boston where "Jingle Bells" was performed by actors in blackface as part of a minstrel show.
This would clash with The Songwriters Hall of Fame--which inducted Pierpont in 1970 (no rush or anything, folks)--as their biography of Pierpont simply says he wrote the song for a Thanksgiving church service in Savannah in 1857, and children loved it. Sure, Savannah doesn't get much snow ever, but he was channeling his inner New Englander apparently.
I'm feeling jngly all of a sudden.
Medford's mayor, Stephanie Burke, is having none of that. As she told the Globe, "It was written here, in the tavern. We take full ownership of it. It’s got a long history, and we’re proud of it."
She also noted the city would go out caroling and that "Jingle Bells will be sung repeatedly."
So you might want to avoid Medford for the time being to protect your ears.
It's time for the (semi-, sorta, kinda) annual analysis of the weird, the wonky, and the wacky. From Dean Martin drugging women to Santa's shenanigans with various mothers under the mistletoe, this is a recap of some of the previous songs covered in this space.
Holiday songs are supposed to be cheerful and charming. They can also be beautifully bizarre.
Song #1: Title: Winter Wonderland Written by: Felix Bernard and Richard B. Smith Sung by: Everyone from Bing Crosby to Toby Keith
Nothing is more enjoyable than when someone starts asking questions before I even know them.
"Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the lane snow is glistening."
Cool story, bro. Are we all supposed to stop what we're doing when we hear a sleigh bell? Isn't that how northern Finland gets around--sleighs? How the hell do they operate as a society if they have to stop every five minutes because a sleigh bell has rung?
"Gone away is the bluebird. Here to stay is a new bird. He sings a love song as we go along, Walking in a winter wonderland."
The wannabe Audubon Society gets derailed pretty quickly in these lyrics. They're quick to tell us about the migratory patterns of the bluebird--but damned if they have a clue what this other bird looks like. What's a swallow look like? Maybe it's a chickadee? No rational bird flies north for the winter, whatever it is.
"In the meadow we can build a snowman, And pretend that he is Parson Brown."
Ri-i-i-ght. Because whenever I build a snowman I always equate cold, lifeless beings to clergy members.
"He'll say, 'Are you married?' We'll say, 'No, man! But you can do the job when you're in town.'"
Man, this Defense of Marriage Act crap has even moved into the snowman realm. The minute this snowman comes to life he's peppering questions about your married life. Soon snowmen will be trying to ban gay marriage and limit adoptions to only heterosexual couples.
"Later on we'll conspire as we dream by the fire, To face unafraid the plans that we made Walking in a winter wonderland."
Just goes to show you how scary marriage is. You need to dream about being unafraid to face it.
Song #2: Title:We Need A Little Christmas Written by: Jerry Herman Sung by: Angela Lansbury originally, and later Percy Faith, Johnny Mathis
The holiday season can be very stressful. It can be even more stressful when you're on medication.
"Haul out the holly. Put out the tree before my spirit falls again."
I'm no doctor, but this sounds like manic depression. Super-amped highs followed by pronounced lows. What other symptoms can we decipher? "Fill up the stocking, I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now."
Deck the halls--again? You mean you already did it and you're going to start from scratch? Let's tack a little obsessive-compulsive disorder onto this diagnosis.
"For I've grown a little leaner, Grown a little colder, Grown a little sadder, Grown a little older."
Uh-oh, it appears we're coming off another high, folks. They've stopped eating and they're growing sadder. On top of that, they're growing colder, too. They've got hypothermic shock or a rare blood disease. Sounds like a visit to the emergency room is on tap for Christmas Eve.
Song #3: Title: Run, Rudolph, Run Written by: Johnny Marks and Marvin Brodie Sung by: Chuck Berry, then covered by anyone looking to sound "rocking" with their Christmas songs.
Rudolph is always being asked to do more than his fair share, and here it's no different.
"Out of all the reindeer, you know you're the mastermind. Run, run, Rudolph, Randalph ain't too far behind."
I don't know who this Randalph character is, but he can't be pleasant if Rudolph needs a heads-up by Chuck Berry to watch out.
"Run, run, Rudolph, Santa's got to make it to town, Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down."
What we learn from this is that Santa is a deadbeat who is perpetually late for everything if it weren't for Rudolph. But the real question here is why isn't Santa taking Santa Claus Lane to get where he needs to go? Is there traffic on it? Is the freeway quicker? But what about tolls? Does Santa have an EasyPass for those?
"Said Santa to a boy child, "What have you been longing for?" 'All I want for Christmas is a rock and roll electric guitar.' And then away went Rudolph whizzing like a shooting star."
Possibly the only reference to "whizzing" in a Christmas song. But what's of note here is that Santa apparently doesn't bring the toys with him on his sleigh. Instead, he operates like a layaway at Kmart, with Rudolph fetching the merchandise.
"Said Santa to a girl child, "What would please you most to get?" 'A little baby doll that can cry, sleep, drink, and wet.' And then away went Rudolph whizzing like a Saber jet."
Why, who wouldn't want to spend 24/7 with a doll that is crying and urinating on itself? Put me down for two of those. It's like having a real baby, without the potential of social services getting involved once you inevitably get bored from the whole experience.
Song #4: Title: It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas Written by: Meredith Willson Sung by: Perry Como, Bing Crosby, Johnny Mathis
Modern songs are so politically correct. Thankfully, Perry Como comes through with this gem. If there's anything that's been missing in Christmas songs, it's references to handguns. Amiright?
"A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots Is the wish of Barney and Ben"
I like how Barney and Ben don't mess around with their wish list. Toys? Bo-o-o-oring. They don't want some pistol that's just for show. They want the real deal. Stealing lunch money will be so much easier this way.
Song #5: Title:Do They Know It's Christmas? Written by: Bob Geldof and Midge Ure Sung by: Endless British and Irish musicians and singers, with Bono being the highlight and Phil Collins rocking the drums.
Ahh, nothing like singing about famine to make you feel guilty for the fourth slice of pumpkin pie on Christmas night. Here, Band Aid tries to raise awareness about famine in Africa and does a bang-up job about it.
This song's lyrics are fantastic for the clinically depressing angle we all hope to see in a Christmas song.
"There's a world outside your window. And it's a world of dread and fear."
Well, that's a tender image to paint. The agoraphobics listening to this must appreciate that little nugget.
"Where the only water flowing Is the bitter sting of tears. And the Christmas bells that ring there Are the clanging chimes of doom."
Quite possibly the only reference to "doom" in a Christmas song. It sounds like a post-apocalyptic society is ready to bust out of this song. Any minute now, Mad Max is going to show up and steal my gasoline, and then we're all going to burn some books and roast chestnuts by the fire.
Then Bono jumps in with the best line of all: "Well, tonight thank God it's them instead of you."
That's right. Let's throw a little xenophobia into our Christmas song. Those starving Africans this song was supposed to raise money for? Screw 'em! Thank God they're the ones starving and not us!
Song #7: Title:Bedtime for Toys Written by: Orlando Murden and Ron Miller Sung by: Stevie Wonder
Are you a child hoping for Santa to come visit on Christmas Eve? Well, too bad. Because Stevie is giving you a heads-up that there's a 50/50 shot Santa will blow you off. Stevie is just giving it to you straight.
(speaking mid-song):
"Ya know, every Christmas Santa Claus goes all over the world with his reindeer, sled, and a big bag of toys, and he'll come to your house this year, too.
But sometimes, just sometimes, he doesn't have enough time to see every little boy and girl because the world is so big. So maybe we should sing a song for all the children that Santa didn't visit."
Screw the whimsical side of Christmas. I like Stevie's straight-forward approach here. Buck up, kid! You were on the Santa's nice list, but sometimes life's unfair! This sense of youthful misery will evolve into schadenfreude by the time you're thirty.
Song #8: Title:The Christmas Shoes Written by: Leonard Ahlstrom and Eddie Carswell Sung by: NewSong
The gift that keeps on giving: "The Christmas Shoes."
We've got a kid, maybe 10-years old if we're lucky, shopping by himself on Christmas Eve. According to the lyrics:
"Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously, Pacing 'round like little boys do, And in his hands he held a pair of shoes. His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe, And when it came his time to pay, I couldn't believe what I heard him say."
"I need a bath"?
"I smell better than I look"?
"Listen, don't call Social Services until you hear me out"?
Regardless, it sounds like even Pigpen from the Peanuts gang needs to buy gifts. Charlie Brown is a deadbeat friend.
A few questions immediately come to mind: Where is this kid's dad? The boy is out shopping by himself on Christmas Eve (what a procrastinator!)--Mama is laid up sick, we get that--but Daddy is apparently at a liquor store or a bar throwing a few back, since he's nowhere to be seen.
"Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please. It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size. Could you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time. You see, she's been sick for quite a while, And I know these shoes would make her smile. And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight."
If you ask me, nothing says "practical Christmas gift" for those dying quite like fashionable footwear. But where does Jesus get off requiring people to have stylish footwear as a requirement to swing into heaven? Last time I checked, Jesus hiked through the hillsides of the Middle East wearing sandals. And we're not even talking Birkenstocks. We're talking Wal-Mart-esque variety sandals.
Not only that, but Jesus apparently needs Mama to look smoking hot upon arrival. I didn't know heaven was like a Miami or Vegas night club. St. Peter must be a bouncer. Jesus is turning out to be the George Clooney of spiritual deities. Who knew??
Song #9: Title:Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney Written by: William D. Hardy and Billy Moore Jr. Sung by: Ella Fitzgerald
Ella Fitzgerald enjoys a good metaphor.
Did you know this song was banned from radio airplay for decades by Ella herself because she felt horribly about the metaphorical imagery? True story. What's so bad about it? Let's see...
"Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney... There he was in the middle of the chimney, Roly-poly, fat and round, There he was in the middle of the chimney, Not quite up, and not quite down."
Yeeeaah, I'm just going to let you figure this out on your own. I don't think you need me to hold your hand on this one.
Song #9: Title:I Saw Three Ships Written by: Unknown, but first published by William B. Sandys Sung by: Nat King Cole, Sting, The Boston Pops, Sufjan Stevens, and countless others.
You think the holiday season is busy for you? Imagine if you're in the shipping business like this song tells us about.
"I saw three ships come sailing in On Christmas day, on Christmas day."
Import/export businesses never take a vacation day, even on Christmas day. This must be what it's like to work for UPS.
"And what was in those ships all three On Christmas day, on Christmas day? And what was in those ships all three On Christmas day in the morning?"
Sounds to me like we've got an illicit smuggling operation on our hands. Is this song taking place off the coast of Miami? Are the three ships high-powered speed boats, being driven by men with smoldering good looks, sunglasses, and lots of gold chains around their necks? Is Don Johnson in hot pursuit? "The Virgin Mary and Christ were there On Christmas day, on Christmas day. The Virgin Mary and Christ were there On Christmas day in the morning."
So I guess Mary and Jesus are dock workers now. No word on where Joseph is during all this. If it follows the plot to On The Waterfront, he's taking bribes from union officials in a seedy underground diner somewhere.
"O, they sailed into Bethlehem On Christmas day, on Christmas day. O, they sailed into Bethlehem On Christmas day in the morning."
Song #10: Title:The Little Drummer Boy Written by: Katherine Davis, Harry Simeone, Henry Onorati (original)
Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes (new, additional raps) Sung by: Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes
"The Little Drummer Boy" trips the light fantastic on its own merit. A wandering hobo child shows up, uninvited, to play the drums around a newborn baby that should be sleeping? Sure. Sounds like a good game plan, kid.
But where you see a quaint story of a homeless musical child channeling his inner Keith Moon, Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes see things getting sexy up in that stable.
We know the original lyrics. So let's dive into Bieber's additional rap, in all its Auto-Tune glory:
[Bieber] "Rum pa pa pum, rum pa pum pum pum pum. Yeah I'm on the drum, yeah I'm on the snare drum. Yeah I'm on the beat cause the beat goes dumb. And I only spit heat cause I'm playin' for the Son. Playin' for the King, playin for the Title, I'm surprised you didn't hear this in the Bible. I'm so tight, I might go psycho. Christmas time, so here's a recital. I'm so bad like Michael, I know I'm still young but I go I go. Stupid stupid love like Cupid, I'm the drummer boy so do it, do it."
Bieber's right. How could we NOT hear this in the Bible? Maybe he's referring to the Whore of Babylon or the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Both are very similar to his music.
This verse is also the first known reference to anyone being 'psycho' in a Christmas song. Imagine all the tender-hearted images of a knife-wielding murderer in Alfred Hitchcock's film, but with more holly and mistletoe.
[Busta:] "Lemme get straight to it. Yo. At the table with the family, havin' dinner, Blackberry on our hip and then it gave a little flicker. Then I took a look to see before it activates the ringer; Came to realize my homie Bieber hit me on the Twitter. Then I hit him back despite I had some food up on my finger, Sippin' eggnog with a little sprinkle of vanilla, Even though it's kinda cold, pullin' out a chinchilla, Bieber hit me back and said, "Let's make it hot up in the winter." I said, "Cool." Ya know Imma deliver; Let's collaborate and make the holiday a little bigger. Before we work I gotta get this off, See the other family members and drop gifts off. Then I'm headed to the studio cause ain't nothing stopping how You know we bout to turn it up and really get it poppin' now. People everywhere and all our Twitter followers, 'Merry Christmas, Kwanza, Happy Hanukkah!'"
Couple of things here:
a.) Twitter gets two shoutouts?
b.) Poor Busta. He uses a Blackberry.
c.) I don't think vanilla is a sprinkable product usually.
d.) It's best we stop pretending this is about "The Little Drummer Boy" anymore.
e.) Busta would rather be in the studio than with his family on Christmas. Frowny face.
Back to Bieber on the mic:
"If you wanna give, it's the time of year. JB on the beat, yeah yeah, I'm on the snare. It's crazy how some people say, say they don't care, When there's people on the street with no food; it's not fair. It's about time for you to act merrily; It's about time for you to give to charity. Rarely do people even wanna help at all, 'Cause they warm by the fire, getting toys and their dolls. Not thinking there's a family out hungry and cold, Wishin' wishin' that they had somebody they could hold. So I think some of you need to act bold; Give a can to a drive, let's change the globe."
You heard it here first from Justin Bieber: A can of peas to your local food pantry will change the world.
Song #11: Title:Christmas Tree Written by: Lady Gaga, Rob Fusari, and Space Cowboy Sung by: Lady Gaga
Christmas Tree by Lady Gaga is exactly like Luciano Pavarotti belting out O Tannenbaum, except picture Pavarotti gyrating half-naked in a meat suit and suggesting you want to get sexy with him and his angel.
To the lyrics:
"The only place you'll wanna be Is underneath my Christmas tree. The only place you'll wanna be Is underneath my Christmas tree."
Because I'm like the family house cat? Mr. Whiskers is a menace under the tree. Don't let his purring deter you--Mr. Whiskers is a nuisance.
"Light me up, put me on top, Let's fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. Light me up, put me on top, Let's fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la."
Put her on top of the tree. The tree. Get your mind out of the gutter!
"Ho-ho-ho, under the mistletoe, Yes, everybody knows We will take off our clothes. Yes, if you want us to we will."
She's nothing if not accommodating. It is the season of giving after all--so if you feel like gettin' nekkid, Lady Gaga will oblige.
And it's okay to have your mind in the gutter now. I take back what I said.
"You oh, oh, a Christmas, My Christmas tree's delicious, Oh, oh, a Christmas, My Christmas tree's delicious."
Uhhhh.
Your mouth is going to get pretty full of sap if you do that.
"Here, here, here, the best time of the year, Take off my stockings we're Out spreading Christmas cheer. Yes, if you want us to we will."
Admittedly, stockings can chafe. But just a heads-up: Rashes from spreading cheer might require antibiotics.
Song #12: Title:Back Door Santa Written by: Clarence Carter and Marcus Daniel Sung by: Clarence Carter
If you're a sweet, wide-eyed innocent type, pretend that the title alone just suggests Santa uses back doors instead of chimneys.
The rest of you--yeah. This is about booty action.
"They call me Back Door Santa I make my runs about the break of day. They call me Back Door Santa I make my runs about the break of day. I make all the little girls happy While the boys are out to play."
So Santa is sick of working the third shift--you can't blame him. Working nights isn't for everyone, you know? And so what if he hates little boys? I was once a little boy, too. Little boys are punks.
"I ain't like the old Saint Nick, He don't come but once a year. I ain't like the old Saint Nick, He don't come but once a year. I come runnin' with my presents Every time you call me dear."
So Clarence is just a very giving man all year round. He comes often, and with presents! That present might be a positive pregnancy test or herpes, but, hey, beggars can't be choosers with gifts.
"I keep some change in my pocket in case the children are home. I give 'em a few pennies so that we can be alone. I leave the back door open so if anybody smells a mouse And wouldn't old Santa be in trouble if there ain't no chimney in the house?"
This went from zero-to-creepy in about three seconds flat. It's not often you get a Christmas song about soccer mom booty call action--but now add in hush money for the soccer mom's kids who were watching Sesame Street before this song started.
Song #14: Title:Christmas Is A-Comin' Written by: A nursery rhyme adopted as a Christmas carol. Sung by: Bing Crosby, then other fringe musical acts.
I've always said that Christmas songs need more allusions to homeless begging. Finally, Bing Crosby came through with my request.
"When I'm feeling blue, when I'm feeling low, I start to think about the happiest man I know. Now he doesn't mind the snow, he doesn't mind the rain, But all December you will hear him at your window pane."
Oh, lord, call the cops! The homeless man is clawing at the window again!
"Christmas is a coming, and the egg is in the nog. Pleased to give a friendly man a friendly little dog. If you haven't got a friendly dog, a friendly cat'll do, If you haven't got a friendly cat may God bless you! God bless you, gentlemen, God bless you! If you haven't got a friendly cat may God bless you!"
Is this the kind of gift friendly people get? Do we dish out pets indiscriminately? How do we make the leap in logic to hand over Mr. Whiskers? And since when did Mr. Whiskers become a secondary citizen to a dog? It sounds like the cat is a lovely parting gift for the losers on Wheel of Fortune.
"Christmas is a coming, the lights are on the tree. How about a turkey leg for dear old me? If you haven't got a turkey leg, a turkey wing will do. If you haven't got a turkey wing may God bless you!"
Thanks for reminding me that I'm so poor I can't afford a turkey wing. I want to be reminded of my poverty at the holidays. Thanks for that. Really.
"Christmas is a coming, the cider's in the keg. If I had a mug of cider I wouldn't have to beg. If you haven't got a mug of cider, half a mug will do. If you haven't got half a mug, may God bless you!"
Now you're guilt-tripping me, Bing. "I wouldn't have to beg if I had a mug of cider!" Yeah, well I wouldn't have hunger pains if I had a turkey wing, so we're all losers here.
Song #14: Title:Baby, It's Cold Outside Written by: Frank Loesser Sung by: Dean Martin...and any musical act looking for a cheap way to make a buck.
Nothing warms the heart quite like listening to a budding sexual assault. Now, I don't mean to claim Dean Martin is a budding predator, but the lyrics make it sound like he's two minutes away from having a police sting bust through the front door.
"The neighbors might think (baby, it's bad out there) Say what's in this drink? (no cabs to be had out there What's in this drink? Sounds to me like rohypnol, lady. Roofies! Get out while you can! Deano isn't going to take no for an answer. Get an Uber or Lyft, stat.
"I ought to say, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer?) At least I'm gonna say that I tried (what's the sense in hurtin' my pride?) I really can't stay (oh baby don't hold out) But baby, it's cold outside."
The only thing more frigid than the weather is this woman to Deano, and rightfully so. Dean Martin should be the focus of a Dateline NBC predator sting.
Song: #15: Title:I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Written by: Tommie Connor Sung by: The Jackson Five, Perry Como, the flavor of the week on the radio.
Sure, you say it's a case of mistaken identity. Santa Claus is just daddy, right? Well, where's your evidence??
Our only evidence is the eyewitness testimony of the singer of the song. His lyrics seem pretty concrete to me. He wakes up on Christmas Eve. He stumbles downstairs to see what's going on. Next thing you know, he catches an eyeful of Mommy and Santa getting frisky under the mistletoe. The little boy even sings:
"She didn't hear me creep Down the stairs to have a peek."
Clearly Mommy is swooning under the allure of Santa Claus that she doesn't even hear her son eyeballing the action.
No one comes out of this song looking like a choir boy. We've got infidelity in the form of Santa Claus, who's stepping out on Mrs. Claus while he whisks himself around the world. He's like the Tiger Woods of the holidays. Then we've got this here Mommy, who clearly is cheating on Daddy while Daddy is probably fast asleep upstairs.
In the Jackson Five version of the song, the little boy claims he's "going to tell my dad." Clearly, this is a child of high moral standing. If you ask me, you don't snitch on Santa Claus if he's bringing you free toys, kid.
"Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus Underneath his beard so snowy white. Oh, what a laugh it would have been If Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night."
Oh, yeah, what a knee-slapper of a laugh. Dad catches mom doing a little slap-and-tickle with the fat man delivering gifts. Endless chuckles to be had once fisticuffs break out!
Song #16: Title:Bring a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella Written by: Uncertain, but most likely Marc-Antoine Charpentier Sung by: Anyone looking to dive deeper into a holiday music catalog.
Originally written a couple hundred years ago, the lyrics are regularly modified today to a degree--a verse kept here, a verse deleted there--but it always starts with a mob mentality.
"Bring a torch, Jeanette, Isabella! Bring a torch, to the stable run!"
Because if there's one place where you want open flames, it's around a newborn resting in a bed of straw.
"Christ is born. Tell the folk of the village. Jesus is born and Mary is calling."
Wait, so if the village knows this is Jesus--THE Jesus--you know, the whole son of God Jesus thing--then why the cold shoulder? No one in town has a spare room? A fold-out couch? They can't bump some straggler from the local inn? Since when did the Bethlehem Inn become more stringent on room reservations than a Ramada?
"Who is that, knocking on the door? Who is it, knocking like that? Open up, we've arranged on a platter Lovely cakes that we have brought here. Knock! Knock! Knock! Open the door for us!"
This is the pushiest condo board ever. It's late at night, we've got young girls brandishing lit torches and adults hammering on the door FBI-style to share some Little Debbie snacks. I wouldn't answer the door either.
"It is wrong when the child is sleeping, It is wrong to talk so loud. Silence, now as you gather around, Lest your noise should waken Jesus."
The catchiest Christmas jingles are always those admonishing people. Maybe if folks stopped banging on the door we wouldn't worry about needing our indoor voices.
Song #17: Title:Up on The House Top Written by: Benjamin Hanby Sung by: Gene Autry
How generous is Santa this year? Let's see.
"First comes the stocking of little Nell. Oh, dear Santa, fill it well. Give her a dolly that laughs and cries, One that will open and shut her eyes."
Creepy-eyed dolls with bipolar issues--sounds delightful.
What else you got, Santa?
"Next comes the stocking of little Will. Oh, just see what a glorious fill. Here is a hammer and lots of tacks, Also a ball, and a whip that cracks."
Whip-wielding small children! Now the holidays have gotten interesting. You always want to start them young with weaponry, too, so they can build up their wrist strength. How do you think Santa keeps the elves in line? Exactly. Cracking backs.
Song #18: Title:Pretty Paper Written by: Willie Nelson Sung by: Roy Orbison, and later Willie Nelson
If there's anything a Christmas song needs more of, it's descriptions of destitute people being shunned.
"Crowded streets, busy feet hustle by him. Downtown shoppers, Christmas is nigh. There he sits all alone on the sidewalk Hoping that you won't pass him by."
What's the matter--a detailed analysis of homeless people in a soup kitchen just didn't feel right?
"Should you stop? Better not, much too busy. You're in a hurry, my how time does fly. In the distance the ringing of laughter, And in the midst of the laughter he cries."
There we go--outright sobbing. A miserable, weeping, possibly homeless man being ignored by a mass of humanity that's too busy flaunting their money in front of him. Poverty and depression: the true meaning of Christmas.
Song #19: Title:Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas) Written by: John Denver Sung by: John Denver, later Alan Jackson
You read that title right, and this isn't even a Christmas novelty song. John Denver sees Roy Orbison's weeping homeless man, and raises the stakes by bringing us alcoholic daddies and crying mommas.
"Please, Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas. I don't want to see my Momma cry. Please, Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas. I don't want to see my Momma cry."
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times--nothing's worse around the holidays than an eggnog hog.
"Just last year when I was only seven, Now I'm almost eight, as you can see, You came home a quarter past eleven And fell down underneath our Christmas tree."
The greatest gift of all is that Daddy made it home at all! He could have nursed the bender off in an alley or behind the wheel of his pickup, but he staggered home like a good drunken dad. That's quality parenting right there.
"Momma smiled and looked outside the window. She told me, 'Son, you better go upstairs.' Then you laughed and hollered, 'Merry Christmas!' I turned around and saw my Momma's tears."
Well, drunken Daddy is at least festive. He could have hollered a whole list of inappropriate things, hurled insults, berated the wife and kid--but he kept it classy. Those might be tears of joy from Momma for all we know.
Song #20: Title:River Written by: Joni Mitchell Sung by: Joni Mitchell
Joni Mitchell is just a speedball of lyrical depression by default, so she's right in her wheelhouse here.
"I wish I had a river so long, I would teach my feet to fly. I wish I had a river I could skate away on. I made my baby cry."
There's more crying in holiday songs than a Jodi Picoult book, but it pretty much reached its depressed zenith in the decade between 1963-73. For Joni Mitchell though, this is known as Tuesday.
"He tried hard to help me. You know, he put me at ease. And he loved me so naughty Made me weak in the knees."
Hey now, this just took a turn to sexy town. This isn't quite the same way Santa imagines children being naughty.
"I'm so hard to handle. I'm selfish and I'm sad. Now I've gone and lost the best baby That I ever had."
Somewhere in here the lyrics just veered head-long into a Sylvia Plath poem.
And nothing channels the meaning of the holiday season like Sylvia Plath in a depression funk.
