Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Clark Bar

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Clark Bar


What it's made of:  Chocolate, peanut butter, and an inferiority complex to a Butterfinger.


Who owns it:  New England Confectionery Company (Necco)


Background:  The Clark Bar (created in 1917) predates the Butterfinger by six years (1923), yet it has a fraction of the popularity. Clearly it's a testament to what multinational corporations like Nabisco and Nestlé can do with regard to marketing--and the fact that both Bart Simpson and Erik Estrada have been Butterfinger spokesmen. No one can deny the allure of Ponch.

Try not eating a Butterfinger now.

An Irish immigrant named David L. Clark moved to Pittsburgh, PA, in 1872 as an 8-year old, and as an adult he created a small, regional candy company, mainly focusing on gum products. When Clark was 53-years old, he focused more on chocolate, and came up with a peanut butter and chocolate concoction. Seemingly lacking any imagination, Clark named the bar--well, uhh--after himself.

The candy became mildly popular in the northeastern United States for decades, but, admittedly always lacked the scorching hot sex appeal of Erik Estrada.

Today, promotion of the Clark Bar is a bit touchy. As the Necco website says, "Clark isn't the average candy you share with your grandmother. Made with REAL chocolate and REAL peanut butter, Clark Bar is a powerful, great-tasting treat that not just anyone can handle."

Sounds like someone is overcompensating.


What it tastes like:  A Butterfinger with deep-seeded emotional issues.


Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  B

It's the candy for people looking to save a buck or two at Halloween. Butterfingers are overpriced, but someone's got to pay Ponch.

What was up with C.S. Lewis loving Turkish Delight so much?

Turkish Delight is a confection of starch and sugar, coated in powdered sugar, and flavored with rosewater, lemon, Bergamot, pistachios, or any other variety of options.

And it is very, very difficult to make. Your lack of culinary skill suggests you can't pull it off, my friend.

C.S. Lewis, the author most famous for the Chronicles of Narnia series, was obsessed with Turkish Delight--to the extent he ate it habitually and often mentioned it in his books routinely. Even the character of Edmund in Narnia asks for Turkish Delight from a witch. For a relatively obscure candy (to western audiences), Lewis seemed quite smitten to it. But why?

The Daily Jstor dove into the matter and posits a theory with a systematic analysis.

Turkish Delight was created in the 1700s, and popularized in the 1800s. English tourists to Turkey came across it and fell in love. The problem is that the candy was--and is--very difficult to make and has never been successfully recreated en masse in Europe, even now in our modern age. It involves painstaking patience and an avoidance of sugar crystallization, which apparently Europeans and the western hemisphere are incapable of accomplishing to any great degree. Yet, Europeans loved the treat whenever it could be imported from Turkey.

Try as you might, you probably can't make this.

Lewis began making notes on Narnia in 1939, just as World War II caused England to start rationing food. Lewis was also enamored with the nation of Turkey. For example, the hero character of Narnia, Aslan, is named after the archaic Turkish word for lion. (Pssh. Like, who doesn't know ancient Turkish words?)

In 1942, as the war raged on, confections were added to the list of rationed food. One had to use ration coupons, along with money, and register at the shop selling candy to purchase sweets--and then wait in massively long lines, just to add insult to injury. Turkish Delight became the rarest of rarities. Indeed, it wasn't until 1953 that confections were finally removed from the ration list, eight years after World War II ended.

Even Christmas trees were rationed during the war. Considering Narnia is heavily influenced by the holiday, or lack thereof, Lewis seemed to be hinting at a desire for normalcy in a time of the chaos of war. Turkish Delight was a holiday treat at a time when war dictated there could be no normalcy and surely no treats.

Lewis possibly loved Turkish Delight not just because it was a sweet treat or an exotic snack from the edge of Asia. Lewis potentially just wanted the normalcy of life, of holidays, of England to come back from the depths of death, of hell, of war.

And he found that normalcy in a candy.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: SweeTarts

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  SweeTarts


What it's made of:  dextrose, maltodextrin, malic acid, calcium stearate, natural flavors, a whole lot of artificial coloring, and the approval of moms everywhere.


Who owns it:  Nestlé, under the Willy Wonka Candy Company banner.


Background: The world can change on a dime when soccer moms become irked. This explains how SweeTarts were born.

In the 1940s, a company in that candy capital of Salt Lake City created Lik-M-Aid, which was originally supposed to be a powdered drink mix. (Think: Kool-Aid--except Kool-Aid was actually created 15 years before Lik-M-Aid.) The creator, J. Fish Smith, realized children just wanted to eat the powdery mixture instead of making drinks with it (so classy!), so Smith marketed his creation as a new candy instead.

The candy for classy kids.

Fast forward to the 1950s, and an affiliated company of Smith's wanted to market Lik-M-Aid nationally in a new style. Lik-M-Aid was placed in a straw--and Pixy Stix were born as a result. Lik-M-Aid didn't disappear, though. The same sugary concoction was branded as Fun Dip, putting two flavors into individual packets and offering a lickable stick to dip into the packets.

Lik-M-Aid after a makeover. So sleek and sexy!

In a surprise to no one, small children aren't the most adept at managing granular products without making a mess. By the 1960s, soccer moms became fed up at cleaning up after their children's addiction to crank  coke  sugar, and they complained en masse to the manufacturer. Mothers wanted the same flavored product in a less messy form. And that, my friend, is why SweeTarts were created. They are Pixy Stix in a solidified tablet form.

Ticked off moms can change the world. Now if only they'd focus on international diplomacy.


What it tastes like:  The stone cold grandchild of a fruit drink.


Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  B+

Whereas you can look like a hobo on a bender after you down a half dozen Pixy Stix, you lose that debonair look with a SweeTart.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Skittles

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, as we did last year, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Skittles


What it's made of:  Generally sugar, corn syrup, hydrogenated palm kernel oil, and a blood sugar pick-me-up all in a 2.17oz bag.


Who owns it:  Wrigley Company, as a division of Mars, Inc.


Background:  Like all things flamboyantly colored, Skittles were born in the trippy haze of the 1970s. LSD is a hell of a drug, I guess.

A British company began creating the sugary, chewy hard candies that quickly gained popularity in its homeland before making its way to American shores in 1979. The wave of fame continued, to the point that Skittles were produced in America by 1982. Americans have been picking out Skittles chunks from their back teeth ever since.

Who could resist the Skittles appeal in the 1980s with commercials like this, channeling all that is fabulous about the synergy between Nu Jazz and candy:





The "taste the rainbow" tag line was created by advertisement company D'Arcy Masius Benton & Bowles. Normally you shouldn't be impressed, but the same company created the tag lines:

"This Bud's for you," for Budweiser

"Melts in your mouth, not in your hands," for M&Ms

And they created the original Santa Claus image that became synonymous with Coca-Cola. In essence, they've created every annoying advertising image or jingle you've ever encountered in life that you wanted to go away.


What it tastes like:  Roy G. Biv


Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  A++

Skittles are the saucy and debonair cousin of the M&M.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Junior Mints

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, as we did last year, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Junior Mints


What it's made of:  sugar, semi-sweet chocolate, corn syrup, confectioner's glaze, modified food starch, peppermint oil, invertase (an enzyme), and more pop culture references than it deserves.


Who owns it:  Tootsie Roll Industries


Background:  Created in 1949 by the now-defunct James O. Welch company in Cambridge, MA, the candy was following in the popular tradition of dark chocolate/mint combination candies, like the York Peppermint Pattie, only smaller.

When deciding upon a name, Welch chose to name his new candy after his favorite Broadway play, a 1941-1943 hit called Junior Miss--because go vague with your candy references, y'know?--which was later made into a movie and a radio series. IMDB gives the movie a 7.2 out of 10, so it's better than any Adam Sandler movie from the past decade.

Junior Mints have often been referred to in pop culture, maybe most famously for an episode of Seinfeld, appropriately named "The Junior Mint," where, while observing a surgery, Kramer accidentally lobs one of the candies into the patient.

Much like observing surgeries, today Junior Mints are staples of movie theaters, mainly purchased by parents who don't feel like losing a tooth on their kid's Twizzler.


What it tastes like:  A York Peppermint Pattie with low expectations.


Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  B+

It's great for that nebbish bookworm of a kid who wants nothing to do with your Starbursts or Milky Ways.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Necco Wafers

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, as we did last year, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Necco Wafers


What they're made of:  Fairly straight forward: sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, gums, colorings, flavorings, and a desperate need for a glass of water.


Who owns it:  New England Confectionery Company (Necco)


Background:  It all starts with a lozenge-cutting machine, and who doesn't feel a thrill of excitement with lozenges?

In 1847, an English immigrant named Oliver Chase created said lozenge-cutting machine and created the wafers to be used in his invention. The confectionery was so popular, fifteen years later many Union soldiers carried them during the Civil War. Was that the secret to defeating the Confederacy? Clearly.

Chase's candy company eventually merged with two other local confectioneries at the turn of the century to create the New England Confectionery Company, and by 1912 the candy was officially branded as Necco Wafers. Fast forward thirty years, and the United States government ordered Necco to produce the wafers for the troops fighting in World War Two. Because nothing was a great pick-me-up to defeat the Nazis quite like a mouthful of chalk.

In 2009, the company changed the recipe slightly and made the candy with only all natural flavors and colorings. The backlash from the public over the change was so damaging--a 35% drop in sales, and reams of complaint letters--that by 2011 the company went back to artificial colors and flavors.

Artificial over natural. If that doesn't explain America in a nutshell, nothing will.


What it tastes like:  A bottle of Tums, except with lower expectations.


Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  C-

Any kid who receives Necco Wafers on Halloween knows grandma and grandpa have some candy coming their way.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Take 5

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, as we did last year, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.

Today:  Take 5

What it's made of: The entire contents of the kitchen cabinet of my inner 14-year old: pretzels, caramel, peanuts, peanut butter, and chocolate.


Who owns it: The Hershey Company


Background:  A relative baby on the candy front, Hershey's first released the candy in December of 2004. The name refers to the five main ingredients in the product, while it implies to take a five minute break to eat it. This is a disappointment to the three remaining jazz aficionados in the world who thought it was a shoutout to Dave Brubeck's famous "Take Five":





Sorry, Dave.

Hershey's never invested much marketing into the bar, and by 2011 it ceased all promotion for the candy, although the company still manufactured it. Things didn't bode so well for the Canadian equivalent, Max 5 (a name that implied absolutely nothing), which Hershey's discontinued making.

Advertising in the early 2000s, like the following, might explain why no one wanted to eat it:




No, absolutely none of that was supposed to make sense, so you're okay.

That said, through no reasoning whatsoever, sales increased once marketing stopped--increases to the tune of 10% per year over the past few years. Hershey's suddenly decided to redouble its marketing efforts, and in early 2016 started to re-brand the candy bar. The packaging, which used to be a combination of red, white, yellow, and desperation, was changed to a wrapper showcasing the ingredients, a black background, and a bold hyperactive lime green logo.

Marketing heavily focused on Millennials. Take 5 brand manager Chris Kinnard said in a statement. "They’re flavor explorers and adventurous when it comes to food."

Yes--those "flavor explorers." The Marco Polos of the modern food age.

Take 5 is the little runt that marketers swear can be THE GREATEST CANDY BAR IN THE WORLD. Christopher Steiner wrote in a 2013 Forbes article that the Take 5 candy bar was possibly the most undervalued brand in the world. "We’re convinced that, with the right shepherding, the Take 5 could propel Hershey to become utterly dominant in its industry in the way that Apple has taken a demonstrative lead in consumer devices," Steiner wrote.

Suck it, Snickers!

But wait! There's more!

"Many organizations fail to effectively put themselves in the minds of their customers and it would seem Hershey has drastically undervalued the reality that Take 5 bars are delicious, nutritious, sumptuous and scrumptious," said Aaron Perlut, founding partner of digital marketing and PR firm Elasticity.

Nutritious! Sumptuous! Has a candy bar ever qualified as either? Never!

But this is why God created marketers.


What it tastes like:  A sumptuous journey bathed in the tears of Millennials.


Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  A+

In thirty years it'll be the candy your grandchildren are addicted to.

Admittedly, I originally thought The Atlantic was referencing the disrespected candy.

Sugar Babies are an American confection of chococlate-covered caramel balls. Mainly it's a candy for people with low expectations in life.

So consider me confused when The Atlantic posted an article regarding the new wave of sugar babies coming to American colleges, which turns out not be candy-related at all. Or not the candy you're thinking of. Mainly these sugar babies have very high expectations in life.

The sugar babies The Atlantic refers to are college students, usually female, who look for sugar daddies, usually old men (and also a candy!), who will--ahem--find mutual assistance from one another. Using mainly statistics from the website SeekingArrangement, The Atlantic tries to connect rising college tuition rates and student debt to the spike in old fashioned May-December hookups.

The flaw with this titillating story is that the sexual correlation to student need is tenuous at best. The Atlantic points out that public school students make up the slight majority of those enrolled at SeekingArrangement--yet a private institution, New York University, has the most "sugar babies" for one college. And while The Atlantic tries to defend New York City's cost-of-living as the reasoning, that doesn't quite justify why a city like Atlanta, a relatively cheap place to live, has the highest density of "sugar daddies."

So what does all of this mean?

Humans like sex and money and references to a family of pretty basic candy. Fairly simple.

In the end, let us not forget about sugar mamas. No, I mean Sugar Mama--the candy--related to Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddy. The manufacturer hasn't made Sugar Mama since the 1980s, but I think we all know that sugar mamas in all forms have been less popularized in pop culture.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Mallo Cup

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Mallo Cup

What it's made of:  Chocolate covering a sort of wannabe marshmallow whipped creme.

Who owns it:  Boyer Brothers, Inc.

Background:  The Boyer Brothers were two siblings out of central Pennsylvania, Bill and Bob, who were looking to make ends meet around the Great Depression, so, naturally, they started a candy company.

Spongebob Squarepants after a chocolate bender.

The business started with fudge and chocolate-fruit-nut clusters. In the 1940s, they introduced the Mallo Cup, which became their bestseller. That sounds impressive until you realize that Boyer Brothers only makes four types of candy (somewhere Hershey's laughs), and no one really likes chocolate-fruit-nut clusters if they're being honest with themselves.

Mallo Cup actually has a rewards program, called Mallo Money. In all packages are various faux denominations of "cash" that can be saved up to redeem for things like rebates, Mallo coffee mugs, Mallow hats, and for that debonair man of fashion, the Mallo watch, which features the Mallo Cup mascot, Marty Mallo.

What it tastes like:  The illegitimate lovechild of a jar of Fluff and a chocolate bar.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  A-

Admit it, you kind of want to give Marty Mallo a high five or hug.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Raisinets

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Raisinets

Looks like someone is about to make my candy shiny!

What it's made of: Varies slightly based on where it's made. Generally milk chocolate covering a raisin. (Please tell me that was a given for you.) But many varieties include a lovely coating of shellac to give the tiny choco-grape a shiny glow.

Do you know what shellac actually is? No--no, you probably don't, other than knowing you've heard the word before. Because you've been a great disappointment in your parents' life and never got that medical/engineering/science degree.

Shellac is a resin secreted from the female lac bug--and used in many functions of furniture and home design. Primer, varnish, sanding sealants--they all use shellac. And, most likely, so does your chocolate-covered raisin of choice. Those little misshapen chocolate balls will now remind you more of poop than ever before.

Who owns it:  Nestlé

Background:  Chocolate-covered raisins have no concrete origin story. Mesoamerican cultures threw cocoa on everything in sight hundreds centuries ago. If it was edible, there's a solid chance some Mesoamerican group decided to dabble in a little culinary magic and cover it with cocoa.

For the western/European world, it's believed the chocolate-covered raisin came from what is now modern day Germany, where a folk tale mentions "kleine Schokokugeln," which apparently means "little chocolate balls." (It's a known fact you can never say anything in German and have it sound quaint or lovely. "Little chocolate balls" ends up sounding like a death threat or demand from a dictator.)

A fairly common children's German prayer also gives a shout-out to the chocolate balls, but in more detail: "Meine kleine Schokokugeln, oh, wie edel man die Früchte hängen nach unten zu verherrlichen. Mein Weinberg weint mit guter Laune an diesem Geschenk des Himmels." If Hansel and Gretel didn't just pop into your head while reading that, I don't know what to say. Apparently it translates to "My little chocolate balls, oh, how nobly you glorify the fruit hanging down. My vineyard weeps with good cheer at this gift from heaven."

You see that? God even gives gifts of chocolate around the holidays. You're not cheap for giving out $5 bags of Lindt.

The American Raisinet hit the marketplace in 1927, slowly becoming a staple at movie theaters that weep with good cheer at the sight of your wallet. The following ad from 1990 is disturbing on a variety of levels, not the least of which is how a creepy mother with a seductive smile is apparently making it rain Raisinets on small children.



It's all fun and games until little Suzy loses an eye from a Rainset coming in hot at 400mph.

In Britain, a chocolate brand called Paynes Poppets dominates the marketplace, but Paynes--like the Mesoamericans--will cover most anything in chocolate, including raisins. Mesoamericans = Modern day Brits.

In Canada, something called a Glosette is their chocolate-covered raisin of choice. Because Canada lost all imagination and just embraces shiny shellac at this point.

What it tastes like:  The United Nations of candy.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  C+

If someone gives you Raisinets while trick-or-treating, yell "Ich bin ein Berliner!" at them. Keep people guessing.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Chunky

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Chunky

What it's made of:  Milk chocolate, roasted peanuts, and raisins.

Who owns it:  Nestlé

Background: Outside of fondue, fruit rarely makes it into chocolate. Because if you want to pack on the pounds, you don't want to be reminded of the vitamins you're lacking. Yet, for reasons unknown, Americans will accept raisins (and occasionally cherries) in their confections--and Philip Silvershein, a New York candy maker in the 1930s, jumped onto the fruit and chocolate bandwagon when he thought up the Chunky Bar.

While creating some candies, he came across a plaster of Paris mold in a trapezoidal shape, decided to cut it down, and pour a chocolate concoction of cashews and raisins into it. What you get is the Chunky's odd shape. The four segments were added later for easier eating (and cashews were swapped out for peanuts).

When creating a moniker, Silvershein thought to name his candy creation after his granddaughter, who he described as a "chunky baby"--officially giving the girl body issues for the rest of her life.

While the name stuck, no advertisement jingle ever hung around. This spot from 1981 is a prime example why:



This isn't a symphony for the ears, but it is a feast for the eyes. We have a bird nearly eating a small child at the 0:06 mark, a complete lack of logic by a baseball catcher at 0:09, and apparently a poor man's viking duo at 0:20.

KitKat never abused our senses like this.

What it tastes like:  Overweight babies and geometry lessons.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:   C-

I don't need to be reminded of my love handles.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Rolo

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Rolo

What it's made of: Caramel covered in chocolate. Fairly straightforward.

Who owns it:  This is one of those candies that has two divorced parents who both have visitation rights. The Hershey Company owns the rights to Rolo in the United States, while Nestlé holds the international rights.

Background:  England had a candy craze in the 1800s, which led to the founding of plenty of confectionery companies. Oliver Twist wasn't asking for more gruel; he wanted an after-dinner piece of candy.

In 1890, Mackintosh's was created, slowly building itself up to be one of England's premier candy companies on the back of their popular toffee. (Yes, toffee--the candy for when you've given up on life.) By 1937, with chocolate gaining in popularity, the idea was born to lather caramel and toffee products with chocolate. Being a type of "rolled candy," Rolo was born, named by some unknown marketing genius who was probably paid roughly fifty cents.

What it tastes like:  An episode of Downton Abbey coated in chocolate.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  B+

It's as safe and boring to candy as Queen Elizabeth is to monarchies.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: ZERO Bar

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  ZERO

What it's made of:  Caramel, peanut, and almond nougat with a white fudge. It can't be called white chocolate because chocolate needs to actually include cocoa. It's whiter than a Matchbox 20 concert.

Fun Fact:  The ZERO bar includes something called "soy pieces" in its ingredients listing. Health food.

Who owns it:  The Hershey Company

Background:  Originally produced by the Hollywood Brands candy company (those non-celebrity makers of Pay Day) and released in 1920, its name was initially Double Zero. For unknown reasons, in 1934 the name was changed to simply ZERO--and capitalized for greater effect on all its packages and promotional materials, except the wrapper itself. Because nothing instills confidence in your food quite like emphasizing nothingness.

There has never been a catchy advertising campaign to woo consumers. So, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' song seems appropriate:



Karen O. kind of seems like a Snickers kind of woman though.

What it tastes like:  Hopelessness.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  B-

Not the best candy to hand out to a kid with low self-esteem.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Whatchamacallit

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.

Today:  Whatchamacallit

What it's made of:  When you think of quality candy, you should think of products with roughly two dozen ingredients and upwards of six variations of oil included, as Whatchamacallit has.

In 2008, as a cost-cutting measure, most of the cocoa butter in the product was replaced--which, by FDA labeling standards, prohibits Whatchamacallit claiming it's made with "milk" chocolate. You know how Kraft Singles can't be called cheese? Well, Whatchamacallit is the Kraft Singles of the chocolate world.

Who owns it:  The Hershey Company

Background:  Most candy we enjoy today is either fairly new or a century old. But the Whatchamacallit is a product of the swingin' '70s, with its beige, brown, and orange labeling channeling everything wonderful about bell-bottoms.

Placed on store shelves in 1978, it was named by a creative director at a marketing company hired by Hershey--with a moniker that became a catchphrase in a huge advertising campaign throughout the 1980s:




Right about now you should feel like wearing neon pink leg warmers while listening to A-ha.

What it tastes like:  Hair spray, hair gel, with a vague hint of chocolate.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  D-

Whatchamacallit is missing--oh, that's right, real milk chocolate.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Dots

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Dots

What it's made of:  Corn syrup, sugar, food starch, natural and artificial flavors, malic acid, artificial colors--you know, the usual.

Who owns it:  Tootsie Roll Industries

Background:  The Dots you flee from like your home is on fire know and love came about in 1945. But Dots are based off its parent candy, Crows, created in the 1890s, which are the same shape and style as a Dot, just black and licorice flavored (and still sporadically sold). It was all during an era when Americans were masochists and reveled in black licorice.

The Black Crows (no, not the horrible band) became a registered trademark for the candy in 1911. Thirty-four years later, flavored varieties hit the market in the form of Dots--giving us cherry, strawberry, lemon, lime, orange, and endless nightmares.

Dots' manufacturer praises its popularity, claiming to make over four billion individual pieces every year. To show how tasty they are, Dots are gluten-free, nut-free, peanut-free, certified as vegan by PETA, kosher by the Orthodox Union, and labeled as wrong by candy enthusiasts.

What it tastes like:  Boredom and a dentist visit.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  C-

You'll never meet anyone over the age of 70 who doesn't treat Dots like a heroin addiction.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Sky Bar

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Sky Bar

What it's made of:  Four separate channels exist: caramel, vanilla, peanut flavored caramel, and fudge. Those four channels are then covered with milk chocolate.

Who owns it:  New England Confectionery Company (Necco)

Background:  A random candy maker for Necco named Joseph Cangemi came up with the idea for the Sky Bar, and convinced the powers that be to manufacture the confection.

In 1938, Necco finally released the product, using an advertising campaign with sky-writing planes to announce their creation. Sky Bar...sky-writing. I didn't say it was hugely creative. Chuck the Sky Bars from 20,000ft instead, right?

During World War II, New York's Times Square was set in darkness for over three years. When the announcement of V-E Day occurred--and signs could be turned on again--Necco's Sky Bar advertisement was one of only six signs that was ready to light up.

That might have been the brightest time for the Sky Bar in more ways than one. It didn't light up the marketplace ((rim-shot!!)), and today it's rare to find the candy outside the northeast.

What it tastes like:  Indecision mixed with ADD.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  A-

When in doubt, there's at least one flavor you'll probably like.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Good & Plenty

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Good & Plenty

What it's made of:  Mainly sugar, corn syrup, wheat flower, molasses--with a little anise oil, licorice extract, resinous glaze, carnauba wax, natural and artificial flavors.

Who owns it:  The Hershey Company

Background:  Good & Plenty claims to be the oldest branded candy still in production in America, having originated in 1893. The Quaker City Confectionery Company in Philadelphia, PA, created it during an era in candy creation where anise-flavored licorice products were all the rage. In the 1950s, an advertising jingle involving a mascot named Choo-Choo-Charlie swept the nation, with a song that burrowed itself into children's heads worse than the head lice in their hair.



The candy gets most of its coloring from a dye called K-Carmine. In case you don't know, that dye is created largely by using the crushed bodies of the female cochineal insect. Mm-mm-mmm. That's not any insect--that's a tasty candy insect!

As it is, only the elderly like anything anise flavored, so check the gift shop at your local assisted living facility for a huge stockpile of Good & Plenty.

What it tastes like:  Like nasty black licorice dressed up for a night on the town.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  D

Lies, Choo-Choo-Charlie! You're full of filthy lies!

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Oh Henry!

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Oh Henry!

What it's made of:  In the United States, it consists of peanuts, caramel, and fudge which is coated with milk chocolate, and comes with two bars. In Canada, there is no milk chocolate. Instead it is a "chocolatey coating" with only one bar.

Why the difference? It's because of...

Who owns it:  In the United States, Nestlé owns the license to manufacture and distribute. The Hershey Company owns the Canadian rights.

Background:  How good can a candy bar be if no one actually knows where it got its name from?

There are two popular thoughts/myths/legends at hand regarding the name origin. One is that the Williamson Candy Company out of Chicago named the bar after a boy named Henry who used to visit the candy factory and flirt with the female employees--hence, the exclamation point. Picture exasperated young women saying it with a high-pitch lilt to their voice.

The other theory is that a candy maker named Tom Henry, from Kansas, and owner of the Peerless Candy Company, came up with the confection in 1919, and named the creation the 'Tom Henry Bar.' In 1920, the theory goes, he sold the bar to the Williamson Candy Company, who then changed the name to what we know now. Because Tom was a bit lame with coming up with candy bar names.

It has nothing to do with the writer O. Henry. He didn't exasperate young women with his literature anyway.

What it tastes like:  Canadian cheapness and American obesity.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  C-

The total lack of a comma after the "Oh" is worth a full letter grade deduction.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: Pixy Stix

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  Pixy Stix

What it's made of:  Dextrose, citric acid, natural and artificial flavors.

Who owns it:   Nestlé, under the Willy Wonka banner.

Background:  Ever pour a Pixy Stix into your mouth and think you were really just sucking down powdered drink mix? Well, you're not delusional. That's because it's how the Pixy Stix originated.

In 1942, J. Fish Smith found that children were eating penny drink mix straight down. Considering this all happened in Salt Lake City, Utah, this was the equivalent of mainlining heroin. But Smith went ahead and created Lik-M-Aid.

Ten years later, an affiliated company of Smith's located in St. Louis was in charge of distributing Lik-M-Aid nationally. It took the company until 1959 to place the sweet or sour sugary concoction into straws and change the name to Pixy Stix.

In 1962, the company decided to use the same flavor profile of a Pixy Stix, but in a tablet candy form, naming them SweeTarts. So, in essence, a SweeTart is really just a Pixy Stix with a hardened, bad ass attitude.

What it tastes like:  Sand, if sand tasted like sugar.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  B+

Points deducted because the paper straw deteriorates if you suck on it too long. I don't need extra fiber in my diet.

Know Your Obscure Halloween Candy: York Peppermint Pattie

With Halloween coming soon, that means only one thing really: candy.

Anyone who trick-or-treated as a child knows that there's always one or two houses that dish out some obscure candy. So, between now and October 31st, we'll take quick looks at obscure candies (and some popular ones as well), just so you know what exactly you're getting yourself into.


Today:  York Peppermint Pattie

What it's made of:  Generally the interior is made of sugar, corn syrup, oil of peppermint, and egg whites, while the exterior is a dark chocolate concoction.

Concoction? It includes PGPR, an ingredient that replaces some of the cocoa butter content. The FDA claims PGPR is "safe for humans as long as you restrict your intake to 7.5 milligrams per kilogram of body weight. Otherwise you’d be open to reversible liver enlargement at higher intakes." Sounds delicious!

Who owns it:  The Hershey Company

Background:  Named after York, England, right? Kinda. Sorta. Not quite. But kinda.

'Mint Cakes' were popular in England during the 19th century (soft squares of mint confection, without the chocolate usually), and carried over to the United States.

In 1940, Henry C. Kessler created the first pattie at his York Cone Company business located in York, Pennsylvania. The city of York is named after its namesake in England--so, in a roundabout way, it's like you're eating English candy! Royal candy? Sure! Tally-ho!

Plenty of mint and chocolate-based candies were already on the marketplace before the creation of the York Peppermint Pattie--but Kessler had one major change to his confection. Whereas the competition's product was soft and gooey, Kessler figured out how to make his York Peppermint Pattie firm.

And that's all that was needed to woo the buying public. Think of it as a precursor to "melts in your mouth, not in your hand."

What it tastes like:  Fresh breath and a swollen liver.

Halloween Trick-or-Treat Grade:  B

All the allure of snacking out of the Queen mum's candy dish.