It's been awhile since we did this--so let's get to it.
No one ever really listens to song lyrics, but song lyrics is where a whole boat load of crazy happens in music. We've covered Taylor Swift (she's obsessive!), The Beatles (John Lennon might murder you!), Broadway (misogyny is catchy!), romantic songs (loving old ladies and underage girls!) and years of holiday song analysis (Frosty is a criminal, and the drummer boy is violating noise ordinances!).
Now it's onto The Rolling Stones. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll stereotypes? Check. Check. And check.
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Song: Stray Cat Blues
Written By: Mick Jagger & Keith Richards
Lead Singer: Mick Jagger
Album: Beggars Banquet
How quickly can we have a song take a sexual undertone? Roughly fifteen seconds.
I hear the click-clack of your feet on the stairs
I know you're no scare-eyed honey.
There'll be a feast if you just come upstairs
Is it a Thanksgiving feast? I think he's referring to a Thanksgiving feast. I hope there's mashed potatoes! And pumpkin pie!
I can see that you're fifteen years old
No I don't want your I.D.
And I can see that you're so far from home
But it's no hanging matter
It's no capital crime
Ah, I'm sorry, but I'm pretty certain that statutory rape gets you some jail time. Movie theaters are more strict with I.D.s to gain access to an R-rated movie than Mick Jagger is with gaining access to what's in his pants.
You say you got a friend, that she's wilder than you
Why don't you bring her upstairs
If she's so wild then she can join in too
"Why don't you bring her upstairs?" Because she doesn't enjoy having sex with a stack of firewood that we name Mick Jagger.
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Song: Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadow?
Written By: Mick Jagger & Keith Richards
Lead Singer: Mick Jagger
Album: Big Hits (High Tide and Green Grass)
If we can have a parent not give a damn about their kid, how about the flip side of the coin and have an obsessive-compulsive mom?
Have you seen your mother, baby, standing in the shadow?
Apparently mom is no ninja if she's easily seen in the shadow. But maybe she heard that Jagger has a thing for young girls.
Have you seen your brother, baby, standing in the shadow?
Oh, so this is a family affair then. This must be one hell of a shadow that's being cast. Maybe someone might want to turn on some lights so people aren't squinting to see who's in the room. Or was the electric bill not paid on time?
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Song: Happy
Written By: Keith Richards
Lead Singer: Keith Richards
Album: Exile on Main St.
This is Keith Richards we're talking about, so I assume what makes him happy is copious amounts of heroin and cocaine, no?
Well I never kept a dollar past sunset,
It always burned a hole in my pants.
Heroin ain't cheap, my friends! And don't even talk about the prices for the nose candy.
Always took candy from strangers,
Didn't wanna get me no trade.
You call it heroin, Keith calls it candy--what's the dif? Who can pass up a free offer, stranger or not? But I'm shocked--shocked, I tell you--that a known drug addict had no desire to learn a trade.
Never got a flash out of cocktails,
When I got some flesh off the bone.
Never got a lift out of Lear jets,
When I can fly way back home.
Cocaine is one hell of a drug. What, is he Kate Winslet in Titanic ("I'm flying!")? Or--oh, God--was Kate Winslet's character a closet drug addict in the movie? Leo DiCaprio's character had that druggie vibe, I think we can all admit.
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Song: Mother's Little Helper
Written By: Mick Jagger & Keith Richards
Lead Singer: Mick Jagger
Album: Aftermath
If it's not sex or drugs, The Rolling Stones seemingly have an obsession with mothers in their songs. But can we get a song where we combine stay-at-home moms with all the allure of illicit pharmaceuticals?
What a drag it is getting old
"Kids are different today,"
I hear ev'ry mother say
Oh, that old complaint. Time to start banging the cane against the rocking chair and shaking a fist of indignation at all those young'ns!
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she's not really ill
There's a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day
Pill poppin' soccer moms! In case you're wondering, the yellow pill he's talking about is Diazepam, better known as Valium. You try raising an SUV of little ankle biters day after day, week after week. You'd be running for a bottle of Valium, too.
Cooking fresh food for a husband's just a drag
So she buys an instant cake and she burns her frozen steak
Clearly she's no Julia Child. Of course she burned the steak--you need to properly defrost that in the fridge. And what's up with hubby's inability to cook for himself? He could at least stop at an Applebee's and pick up some overcooked, greasy takeout. But, noooo.
They just don't appreciate that you get tired
They're so hard to satisfy, You can tranquilize your mind
So go running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And four help you through the night, help to minimize your plight
Four Valium just to get through the night? This is getting expensive. If this is a stay-at-home mom, where is she getting that sort of coin? Is she robbing her kid's savings? Where is she getting that bank?
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Song: Brown Sugar
Written By: mainly Mick Jagger
Lead Singer: Mick Jagger
Album: Sticky Fingers
If there's ever been a subject area in modern music that's been lacking, it's rocking songs with a solid guitar riff that refer to slavery.
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
Hear him whip the women just around midnight
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This song turned into 12 Years a Slave right out of the gate here. Slave ships? Whipping? Is Brad Pitt going to pop up?
Brown sugar how come you taste so good?
Brown sugar just like a young girl should
Phew...that was close. I panicked there might not be sexual references to underage girls--but Mick squeezed one in there.
Drums beating, cold English blood runs hot
Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
House boy knows that he's doing alright
You shoulda heard him just around midnight
So what we have going on here is a lovely blend of slavery and brutal abuse mixed with not-so-subtle allusions to oral sex. Seems like a natural combination. I can't understand why there haven't been more songs recorded like this.
I bet your mama was a tent show queen
And all her boyfriends were sweet sixteen
I'm no schoolboy but I know what I like
You shoulda heard me just around midnight
Well at least Mama has bumped up the age of her sexual partners to sixteen. That's practically legal in some eastern European countries.
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Song: 19th Nervous Breakdown
Written By: Mick Jagger & Keith Richards
Lead Singer: Mick Jagger
Album: Released as a single
If you're having 18 nervous breakdowns, you might as well go big or go home and aim for the 19th.
You're the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs
Center of a crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs
Listen, you can't have it both ways. If it's a dismal, dull affair, maybe someone talking loudly and doing wind sprints up and down the stairs might be a good thing.
Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years
And though you've tried you just can't hide your eyes are edged with tears
Well, aren't you just the psychotherapist?
When you were a child you were a treated kind,
But you were never brought up right
You were always spoiled with a thousand toys,
But still you cried all night
I'm confused. I was treated kind--but I was spoiled? Is that the gist? Because when I think of people who know good parenting skills, Mick Jagger is the first that comes to mind.
And how does he know if I cried? What, is he Santa Claus?
Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax
And your father's still perfecting ways of making sealing wax
It wouldn't be a Rolling Stones song unless a mother was mentioned--and a neglectful one at that. And apparently this mom is a deadbeat with paying off debts. It could be the same soccer mom with the Valium addiction. It's all coming together now!
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