Proposed Missouri law could land librarians in jail for objectionable material

A Missouri lawmaker has proposed a law aimed at making libraries "safe" for children--a law which critics say could land librarians in jail.

Rep. Ben Baker (R - Neosho*) introduced a bill that would create a five person parental review board to make sure "inappropriate material" does not fall into the hands of minors.

"The main thing is I want to be able to take my kids to a library and make sure they’re in a safe environment, and that they’re not gonna be exposed to something that is objectionable material," Baker told KOAM-TV news.

Missouri must be a hotbed of library hedonism, where the Judy Blume books practically throw themselves at small children.

"I just think that we need to be careful about funding something with our taxpayer dollars without parental consent," Baker said. Indeed, the parental board's decisions on what is or isn't "appropriate" will be final, with no appeal allowed from librarians.

Doubling-down on the legislation, librarians found to "willfully" disobey the board's rulings may be fined $500 or face up to one year of imprisonment in a county jail.

Before you dismiss Representative Baker's bill as being misguided, his own campaign website lists his belief in fighting for "excellence in education" and "defending personal liberties."

Because nothing educates a child quite like taking away their freedom to read a book.



* While Neosho sounds like the name of a futuristic city in some Japanese anime show, it's a small town of around 12,000 people in the southwestern corner of Missouri, down near the Oklahoma and Arkansas borders.

Don't assume it's a backwater no man's land. Its citizens have a multitude of things going for it, including a Walmart, a Taco Bell, and a gnawing sense of desperation and melancholy you just won't find anywhere else.

Bob Dylan won't go away.

But what about an obscure Lithuanian poet?

The cult of Bob Dylan is a powerful entity, which explains the giant long-form piece in the New York Times and countless stories across news outlets about the folk hero's archive being bought by The Kaiser Foundation and put on display at the University of Tulsa.

Indeed, in their extensive story of his work, the Times refers to Dylan's "dozens of rewrites" of "even minor songs," how he was clearly "an obsessive self-editor in constant motion," and how this whole archive is the next step in the "canonization" of the musical legend. But the Times, like most media outlets and Dylan cultists, largely ignores his history of constant allegations of plagiarism.

Dylan has been accused of plagiarism so often he finally felt the need to speak out in 2012. Regarding accusations he stole lines of poetry from a book of obscure Japanese poetry, as well as an equally obscure American Confederate Civil War-era poet, Dylan told Rolling Stone Magazine the claims were made by "wussies and pussies," and, as Reuters noted in their own reporting, that "[to Dylan] musical appropriation is [as he says] 'part of the folk tradition.'" Moreover, Reuters noted Dylan said that in folk and jazz music "quotation is a rich and enriching tradition."

No. Quotation is what I just did there. I quoted Reuters, who was quoting Rolling Stone, who was quoting Dylan. That's how quoting works. Plagiarizing is when you simply take the work of others and pass it off as your own. It's a rich and enriching tradition of lazy writers who create a persona and piggyback off the work of others to create worldwide fame for themselves. Work like that of obscure Japanese poets. Work like obscure poets from 140-years ago. Plagiarizing happens to lazy writers.

Like Dylan.

Who shouldn't be canonized.

Oral Roberts University says it isn't interested in their students' sex lives.

That's kind of a lie. Oral Roberts University is addicted to knowing about their students' sex lives. As noted here in 2011, ORU's Honor Code goes into intricate detail about what is and isn't acceptable in their students' ongoings, including drugs, alcohol, and sexual behavior.

Specifically, part five of the Honor Code touches on the pledge regarding sex, leaving us with this nugget:


"I will not engage in or attempt to engage in any illicit, unscriptural sexual acts, which include any homosexual activity and sexual intercourse with one who is not my spouse through traditional marriage of one man and one woman."


Does the Bible have many scriptural sex acts detailed though? Or are the illicit variety of sexual acts allowed only if they're scriptural? Why has this flown under the radar for thousands of years? WHAT BOOK IN THE BIBLE SHOULD I READ??

Regardless, ORU also requires a physical component to their college education, dictating that students meet certain fitness goals or risk never graduating. This has led the university to institute a policy requiring every student to use a Fitbit fitness tracker to monitor progress. Yes, the same Fitbit that was once known to monitor a user's sexual activity.

School officials have been quick to point out that there is no voyeuristic angle to requiring the student Fitbit use. They have no care to analyze their students' sexual behaviors, they claim.

Except when they do.

Oklahoman valedictorian denied diploma because she used the word "hell" during graduation speech.

Specifically, the moment of in-yo'-face-upside-yo'-head language occurred when Kaitlin Nootbaar said "How the hell do I know?" in a lighthearted moment where she channeled the Twilight franchise where Bella says something similar regarding what to do upon graduating high school.

Because Oklahoma has its fingers on the pulse of 1952, the school district denied granting Nootbaar a diploma because of her use of the word "hell."

In other news, the real crime here was that Kaitlin Nootbaar referenced Twilight without snickering.

Codes of Conduct: Oral Roberts University Edition

This is part of a continuing series where we examine the codes of conduct at various colleges and universities.

I can't make this stuff up.








Next up:


Oral Roberts University

Oral Roberts University is named after ((wait for it...wait for...it)) Oral Roberts, a Pentecostal minister who once said that a bible passage he read was a message from God that it was okay to be rich. No word on whether God also gave a head-nod for naming universities after yourself, too.

Oral Roberts University has an Honor Code that all students and faculty must agree to and sign. The highlights are as follows (my thoughts in parentheses):

In signing the Honor Code Pledge, I fully recognize that Oral Roberts University was founded to be and is committed to being a leading academic institution serving the interdominational Body of Christ (Leading? Is there a lot of competition in this specific a category?), offering a lifestyle of commitment to Jesus Christ of Nazareth as personal Savior and Lord. (Jesus Christ of Nazareth--not to be confused with Jesus Christ of White Plains, NY.)

The Honor Code goes on to list eight specific areas in which you must abide. Such as:


1.) I PLEDGE to apply myself wholeheartedly to my intellectual pursuits and to use the full powers of my mind for the glory of God. (Spontaneously levitating is a natural occurrence at ORU.)


3.) I PLEDGE to develop my body with sound health habits by completing the required aerobics program and by participating in wholesome physical activities. (So walking to the convenience store for some cigarettes is in a gray area I guess...?)


4.) I PLEDGE to cultivate good social relationships and to seek to love others as I love myself. (Indeed, I am very huggable.) I will not lie (...I am actually this good looking in person); I will not steal (except the hearts of lonely women); I will not curse (aww, what the--); I will not be a talebearer. (But I'm an English major!) I will not cheat or plagiarize (Really, baby--she meant nothing to me...); I will do my own academic work and will not inappropriately collaborate with other students on assignments. (But inappropriately collaborating on everything else is apparently fair game...woohoo!)


5.) I PLEDGE at all times to keep my total being under subjection from all immoral and illegal actions and communications, whether on or off campus. (FYI: talking with the North Korean government isn't cool, man.) I will not take any illegal drugs or misuse any drugs (...any illegal drugs? It's possible Amsterdam is overwhelmed with ORU students then.); I will not engage in or attempt to engage in any illicit, unscriptural sexual acts (only abide by a certified how-to manual), which include any homosexual activity and sexual intercourse with one who is not my spouse through traditional marriage of one man and one woman. (Little known fact: Massachusetts traditionally allows gays and lesbians to marry.) I will not drink alcoholic beverages of any kind (What's your take on NyQuil?); I will not use tobacco (So much for my goose down and tobacco-stuffed pillows...); I will not engage in other behavior that is contrary to the rules and regulations listed in the Student Handbook. (Open-ended definitions = gotcha!)


7.) I PLEDGE to attend class, all required chapel services on campus, and my choice of a house of worship wherever God is honored and lifted up. (Lifted up...because God's hips aren't getting any younger.)


So, in essence, Oral Roberts University's Honor Code boils down to this:
Neck beards and handlebar mustaches are allowed. Take that, BYU!