It's been awhile since we did this.
So let's hit up examining the song lyrics of Taylor Swift, for no other reason than I'm fairly certain she's ten years of hard living away from turning into Wynonna Judd.
Song: Love Story
Written By: Taylor Swift
William Shakespeare and Taylor Swift have very different interpretations of the whole Romeo & Juliet storyline. Surprising, I know, but Taylor's involves less bloodshed, while Bill's lacks an MTV appeal to 15 year old girls.
That you were Romeo, that you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet."
Can you blame her dad for his griping? Who throws rocks at glass unless they're a hoodlum? Have you seen the price of windows? Triple-pane windows = $$$. Plus, who's paying the medical bills once Taylor's retina is busted from a shard of glass? Not Romeo, that's who.
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said:
Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting all we have to do is run.
"Take me somewhere we can be alone"? Hmmmm... ((pssst: I think she means the hubba-hubba, if you catch my drift.))
I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around.
My faith in you is fading,
When I met you on the outskirts of town.
I think a drug deal is going down. My affinity to bad Hollywood movies tells me this is how it happens. Usually with railroad yards, derelict buildings, with a pack of hungry dobermans nearby. It's also good to see a young woman decide to meet a man she barely knows in deserted areas. Sounds safe to me. Maybe she met him on Craigslist!
Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone,
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think.
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring.
Best way to stop someone from pestering you with questions? Just propose marriage. It always works. Does she love you? She'll start sobbing. Does she barely know you? She'll be creeped out.
...marry me, Juliet,
You'll never have to be alone.
I love you and that's all I really know.
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress.
It's a love story. Baby, just say yes.
So old-fashiony! Nothing says romance quite like proposing marriage in the empty parking lot of a 7-11. And after he chatted with Daddy, too! Maybe Pops will buy them a Slurpee as an engagement gift.
Song: Our Song
Written By: Taylor Swift
Whenever I'm in a car and someone turns the radio down, it's usually because they're telling me they have a terminal illness or they lost the rent money gambling on the ponies.
But when Taylor turns the radio down she wants to tell you something important.
I look around, turn the radio down,
He says, "Baby, is something wrong?"
I say, "Nothing. I was just thinking
How we don't have a song."
Because I know when I'm looking for a song to share with my lover I look out the window of a speeding car. This is because the song won't be found on the radio--but it might be in a ditch. Or hitchhiking. Do you know how many Willie Nelson songs hitchhike? All of them. You need to keep a lookout for them.
Our song is the slamming screen door,
Sneaking out late, tapping on your window.
When we're on the phone and you talk reeeaal slow,
'Cause it's late and your momma don't know.
I'm concerned about anyone who talks reeeeal slow. (We'll forget that "slow" should be an adverb here.) Slow talking is usually the sign of a dangerous person. Think Hannibal Lecter or Maya Angelou.
And what's with more late night shenanigans? Apparently Taylor's mom and dad finally talked about not throwing rocks at windows any longer. We're down to tapping now. Progress, people! Progress!
Our song is the way he laughs.
The first date, man, I didn't kiss him and I should have.
And when I got home, 'fore I said Amen,
Asking God if He could play it again.
So God moonlights as a DJ, taking requests. "Whaddup, people! It's your #1 DJ, God, hanging out with you here on WHVN, playing only eternity's greatest hits. When we come back from break I'm going to hit you with the new Bieber, a little something from Nicki Minaj, as well as a special late-night request going out to a Taylor who just prayed it in. All of that's on the way, so don't you change that dial."
Song: Teardrops On My Guitar
Written By: Taylor Swift & Liz Rose
I would think that liquid would damage the varnish on an instrument, although I admit my knowledge of instrument shellack is pretty limited.
Drew looks at me.
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be.
Who's Drew? Drew Carey? That's the only Drew I can think of off-hand that's not Drew Barrymore. Considering how many guys Taylor Swift's been linked to, I think she's probably only left dating former comedians/late morning game show hosts.
I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about,
And she's got everything
That I have to live without.
I take away from this that Drew Carey is shunning Taylor Swift in order to date one of Barker's Beauties. (Are they still called Barker's Beauties even though Bob Barker retired? Are they renamed now? Maybe Carey's Cuties? If they're not, I demand this change.)
Drew talks to me.
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny.
I can't even see
Anyone when he's wit me.
Well, he is a former comedian. I hope he's good for a chuckle. How funny he actually is might be a matter of debate. I like to think Rod Roddy's sequined outfits on The Price Is Right were funnier than most Drew Carey comedy routines.
Drew walks by me.
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be.
Is she having an asthma attack? Is it an allergic reaction to his comedy? Someone needs to get her an inhaler, stat. She clearly isn't flawless though, as she has inferior lungs that are susceptible to the come-hither glances of pudgy comedians.
Song: You Belong with Me
Written By: Taylor Swift & Liz Rose
There's nothing I enjoy more in music than catty tendencies popping up in an upbeat song.
You're on the phone with your girlfriend. She's upset.
She's going off about something that you said.
She doesn't get your humor like I do.
"So a priest, a rabbi, and Hitler walk into a bar. Wait--why you walking away? Hold on, really, this is a funny joke. Just let me say it first! What--? What? Why you gotta be that way?"
I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night.
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like.
Like, perhaps, the music of Taylor Swift?
But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts,
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers,
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time.
No offense, but I think he's looking for the hot cheerleader captain in the mini. Years of college education tell me this much.
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you,
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You--you belong with me. You belong with me.
You usually only see such obsessive-compulsive disorders on Montel Williams. Didn't she just describe the competition as a cheerleader captain hottie? And her only defense is she wears busted t-shirts and knows how to laugh? She's describing any number of hobos I've seen living near railroad tracks.
Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?
Wait--did she just admit to being a hooker while creepishly holding a man's jeans as he walks beside her, apparently half-naked? When did this all go so horribly wrong?? When did this become a Lifetime movie?
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know?
Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me.
Restraining orders don't work as well as people hope. Taylor's moved to stalking the back door. She's one bad night away from a Lindsay Lohan meltdown. Search Taylor's car and you're probably going to find bundles of rope and a stash of roofies.
Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry
And I know your favorite songs and you tell me 'bout your dreamsThink I know where you belong, think I know it's with me
Man, this guy is a glass house. He's got the water works going to full effect and he's driving to his female friend's home in the middle of the night. Sounds like he needs to hug the hurt out. These two feel like a dream match even Chuck Woolery couldn't conjure up.
Song: Mine
Written By: Taylor Swift
Taylor wants you to know that she's really just one bad breakup away from a murder/suicide pact.
You were in college working part-time waiting tables
Left a small town, never looked back
I was a flight risk with a fear of fallin’
Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts.
"I was a flight risk"?? So the District Attorney is prosecuting her I take it. At this pace she'll be in the cooler doing 5-to-15.
Flash forward and we’re taking on the world together,
And there’s a drawer of my things at your place.
You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded,
You say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes.
So she's a criminal on the lam from the feds. Her parents were probably criminals, too. Let's assume they were drug mules. Let's jazz this up.
But we got bills to pay,
We got nothing figured out.
The first Taylor Swift lyric I could ever identify with!
And I remember that fight, two-thirty AM
As everything was slipping right out of our hands.
I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street.
Oh, lordy, Taylor is fighting in the streets in the middle of the night again. Her neighbors must love this. How many times do you think they call the cops in a given week? Taylor is that neighbor--the one that doesn't mow her lawn, has shady 1989 Cutlass Supremes parking in the driveway, and "uncles" named Bruce dropping by every other day.
Braced myself for the goodbye,
‘cause that’s all I’ve ever known.
Then you took me by surprise.
You said, "I’ll never leave you alone."
Aww! She found a guy who is as obsessively crazy as she is! It really is a love story!
So let's hit up examining the song lyrics of Taylor Swift, for no other reason than I'm fairly certain she's ten years of hard living away from turning into Wynonna Judd.
Song: Love Story
Written By: Taylor Swift
William Shakespeare and Taylor Swift have very different interpretations of the whole Romeo & Juliet storyline. Surprising, I know, but Taylor's involves less bloodshed, while Bill's lacks an MTV appeal to 15 year old girls.
That you were Romeo, that you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet."
Can you blame her dad for his griping? Who throws rocks at glass unless they're a hoodlum? Have you seen the price of windows? Triple-pane windows = $$$. Plus, who's paying the medical bills once Taylor's retina is busted from a shard of glass? Not Romeo, that's who.
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said:
Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting all we have to do is run.
"Take me somewhere we can be alone"? Hmmmm... ((pssst: I think she means the hubba-hubba, if you catch my drift.))
I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around.
My faith in you is fading,
When I met you on the outskirts of town.
I think a drug deal is going down. My affinity to bad Hollywood movies tells me this is how it happens. Usually with railroad yards, derelict buildings, with a pack of hungry dobermans nearby. It's also good to see a young woman decide to meet a man she barely knows in deserted areas. Sounds safe to me. Maybe she met him on Craigslist!
Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone,
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think.
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring.
Best way to stop someone from pestering you with questions? Just propose marriage. It always works. Does she love you? She'll start sobbing. Does she barely know you? She'll be creeped out.
...marry me, Juliet,
You'll never have to be alone.
I love you and that's all I really know.
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress.
It's a love story. Baby, just say yes.
So old-fashiony! Nothing says romance quite like proposing marriage in the empty parking lot of a 7-11. And after he chatted with Daddy, too! Maybe Pops will buy them a Slurpee as an engagement gift.
Song: Our Song
Written By: Taylor Swift
Whenever I'm in a car and someone turns the radio down, it's usually because they're telling me they have a terminal illness or they lost the rent money gambling on the ponies.
But when Taylor turns the radio down she wants to tell you something important.
I look around, turn the radio down,
He says, "Baby, is something wrong?"
I say, "Nothing. I was just thinking
How we don't have a song."
Because I know when I'm looking for a song to share with my lover I look out the window of a speeding car. This is because the song won't be found on the radio--but it might be in a ditch. Or hitchhiking. Do you know how many Willie Nelson songs hitchhike? All of them. You need to keep a lookout for them.
Our song is the slamming screen door,
Sneaking out late, tapping on your window.
When we're on the phone and you talk reeeaal slow,
'Cause it's late and your momma don't know.
I'm concerned about anyone who talks reeeeal slow. (We'll forget that "slow" should be an adverb here.) Slow talking is usually the sign of a dangerous person. Think Hannibal Lecter or Maya Angelou.
And what's with more late night shenanigans? Apparently Taylor's mom and dad finally talked about not throwing rocks at windows any longer. We're down to tapping now. Progress, people! Progress!
Our song is the way he laughs.
The first date, man, I didn't kiss him and I should have.
And when I got home, 'fore I said Amen,
Asking God if He could play it again.
So God moonlights as a DJ, taking requests. "Whaddup, people! It's your #1 DJ, God, hanging out with you here on WHVN, playing only eternity's greatest hits. When we come back from break I'm going to hit you with the new Bieber, a little something from Nicki Minaj, as well as a special late-night request going out to a Taylor who just prayed it in. All of that's on the way, so don't you change that dial."
Song: Teardrops On My Guitar
Written By: Taylor Swift & Liz Rose
I would think that liquid would damage the varnish on an instrument, although I admit my knowledge of instrument shellack is pretty limited.
Drew looks at me.
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be.
Who's Drew? Drew Carey? That's the only Drew I can think of off-hand that's not Drew Barrymore. Considering how many guys Taylor Swift's been linked to, I think she's probably only left dating former comedians/late morning game show hosts.
I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about,
And she's got everything
That I have to live without.
I take away from this that Drew Carey is shunning Taylor Swift in order to date one of Barker's Beauties. (Are they still called Barker's Beauties even though Bob Barker retired? Are they renamed now? Maybe Carey's Cuties? If they're not, I demand this change.)
Drew talks to me.
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny.
I can't even see
Anyone when he's wit me.
Well, he is a former comedian. I hope he's good for a chuckle. How funny he actually is might be a matter of debate. I like to think Rod Roddy's sequined outfits on The Price Is Right were funnier than most Drew Carey comedy routines.
Drew walks by me.
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be.
Is she having an asthma attack? Is it an allergic reaction to his comedy? Someone needs to get her an inhaler, stat. She clearly isn't flawless though, as she has inferior lungs that are susceptible to the come-hither glances of pudgy comedians.
Song: You Belong with Me
Written By: Taylor Swift & Liz Rose
There's nothing I enjoy more in music than catty tendencies popping up in an upbeat song.
You're on the phone with your girlfriend. She's upset.
She's going off about something that you said.
She doesn't get your humor like I do.
"So a priest, a rabbi, and Hitler walk into a bar. Wait--why you walking away? Hold on, really, this is a funny joke. Just let me say it first! What--? What? Why you gotta be that way?"
I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night.
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like.
Like, perhaps, the music of Taylor Swift?
But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts,
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers,
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time.
No offense, but I think he's looking for the hot cheerleader captain in the mini. Years of college education tell me this much.
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you,
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You--you belong with me. You belong with me.
You usually only see such obsessive-compulsive disorders on Montel Williams. Didn't she just describe the competition as a cheerleader captain hottie? And her only defense is she wears busted t-shirts and knows how to laugh? She's describing any number of hobos I've seen living near railroad tracks.
Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?
Wait--did she just admit to being a hooker while creepishly holding a man's jeans as he walks beside her, apparently half-naked? When did this all go so horribly wrong?? When did this become a Lifetime movie?
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know?
Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me.
Restraining orders don't work as well as people hope. Taylor's moved to stalking the back door. She's one bad night away from a Lindsay Lohan meltdown. Search Taylor's car and you're probably going to find bundles of rope and a stash of roofies.
Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry
And I know your favorite songs and you tell me 'bout your dreamsThink I know where you belong, think I know it's with me
Man, this guy is a glass house. He's got the water works going to full effect and he's driving to his female friend's home in the middle of the night. Sounds like he needs to hug the hurt out. These two feel like a dream match even Chuck Woolery couldn't conjure up.
Song: Mine
Written By: Taylor Swift
Taylor wants you to know that she's really just one bad breakup away from a murder/suicide pact.
You were in college working part-time waiting tables
Left a small town, never looked back
I was a flight risk with a fear of fallin’
Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts.
"I was a flight risk"?? So the District Attorney is prosecuting her I take it. At this pace she'll be in the cooler doing 5-to-15.
Flash forward and we’re taking on the world together,
And there’s a drawer of my things at your place.
You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded,
You say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes.
So she's a criminal on the lam from the feds. Her parents were probably criminals, too. Let's assume they were drug mules. Let's jazz this up.
But we got bills to pay,
We got nothing figured out.
The first Taylor Swift lyric I could ever identify with!
And I remember that fight, two-thirty AM
As everything was slipping right out of our hands.
I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street.
Oh, lordy, Taylor is fighting in the streets in the middle of the night again. Her neighbors must love this. How many times do you think they call the cops in a given week? Taylor is that neighbor--the one that doesn't mow her lawn, has shady 1989 Cutlass Supremes parking in the driveway, and "uncles" named Bruce dropping by every other day.
Braced myself for the goodbye,
‘cause that’s all I’ve ever known.
Then you took me by surprise.
You said, "I’ll never leave you alone."
Aww! She found a guy who is as obsessively crazy as she is! It really is a love story!
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