It's that time of year again when families come together out of obligation and pity to share gifts haphazardly thrown together out of spite.
It's also time for the annual analysis of Christmas/holiday song lyrics, where every bit of sexual innuendo and casual references to weirdness doesn't go unnoticed.
So let's get to it:
Song: Winter Wonderland
Written by: Felix Bernard and Richard B. Smith
Sung by: Everyone from Bing Crosby to Toby Keith
It's also time for the annual analysis of Christmas/holiday song lyrics, where every bit of sexual innuendo and casual references to weirdness doesn't go unnoticed.
So let's get to it:
Song: Winter Wonderland
Written by: Felix Bernard and Richard B. Smith
Sung by: Everyone from Bing Crosby to Toby Keith
Nothing is more enjoyable than when someone starts asking questions before I even know them.
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?
In the lane snow is glistening.
Cool story, bro. Are we all supposed to stop what we're doing when we hear a sleigh bell? Isn't that how northern Finland gets around--sleighs? How the hell do they operate as a society if they have to stop every five minutes because a sleigh bell has rung?
Gone away is the bluebird.
Here to stay is a new bird.
He sings a love song as we go along,
Walking in a winter wonderland.
The wannabe Audubon Society gets derailed pretty quickly in these lyrics. They're quick to tell us about the migratory patterns of the bluebird--but damned if they have a clue what this other bird looks like. What's a swallow look like? Maybe it's a chickadee? No rational bird flies north for the winter, whatever it is.
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he is Parson Brown.
Ri-i-i-ght. Because whenever I build a snowman I always equate cold, lifeless beings to clergy members.
He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man!
But you can do the job when you're in town."
Man, this Defense of Marriage Act crap has even moved into the snowman realm. The minute this snowman comes to life he's peppering questions about your married life. Soon snowmen will be trying to ban gay marriage and limit adoptions to only heterosexual couples.
Later on we'll conspire as we dream by the fire,
To face unafraid the plans that we made
Walking in a winter wonderland.
Just goes to show you how scary marriage is. You need to dream about being unafraid to face it.
Song: Last Christmas
Written by: George Michael
Sung by: Wham!
First off, the ratio of hair mousse-to-scalp is off the charts in this video, but that's beside the point.
George Michael brings to light the seedy underbelly of black market organ donation.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart,
But the very next day you gave it away.
This sort of logic brings up the problem with gifting. If you give someone something, isn't it their damn right to do what they feel with the gift--be it an ugly sweater or your heart? Maybe that heart had some quality resale value, and was worth some coin the day after Christmas.
This year, to save me from tears,
I'll give it to someone special.
Ooooh, snap! Them's fightin' words! I think George Michael just insulted someone through expert passive aggression.
Once bitten and twice shy,
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye.
Tell me, baby, do you recognize me?
Well, if it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me.
How much heroin are you doing that a lover doesn't recognize you a year later?
A crowded room, friends with tired eyes.
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice.
My God, I thought you were someone to rely on.
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on.
Possibly the only reference to a "soul of ice" in the history of Christmas song lyrics. It's like a bad sci-fi movie had sex with a Christmas song. So heartwarming!
Song: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Written by: Randy Brooks
Sung By: Elmo & Patsy (...originally, although now there are horrible remakes of it)
Christmas traditions are always a tender thing. Mistletoe, children opening gifts, and manslaughter--they all make the season feel merry and bright.
She'd been drinking too much egg nog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.
I don't know what their recipe for egg nog calls for, but they need to share that with listeners. If it's strong enough to sauce a grandma whose liver is most likely already pickled, that's a needs-to-know kind of situation.
When they found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack,
She had hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.
Santa didn't just accidentally sideswipe her with his sleigh. There are Claus marks (?) on her back, which is pretty damning evidence if you ask me. It's suggestive that--after the reindeer pummeled her--the fat man got out of his sleigh and went full Ed Norton in American History X on grandma.
I've warned all my friends and neighbors,
"Better watch out for yourselves!"
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
I don't know what Santa's sexual kinks should have to do his getting a license. If the man plays a little slap-and-tickle with an elf, so be it. To each their own.
Song: One Little Christmas Tree
Written by: Ron Miller and Bryan Wells
Sung by: Stevie Wonder
The key to a pleasant Christmas song is to make sure you paint a scene of desperation.
One little Christmas tree was standing alone,
Waiting for someone to come by.
One little Christmas Tree that never had grown
Cried as he looked up to the sky.
Isolation? Check. An onset of depression? Check.
Please continue:
Oh, please Mr. Father Tree, the tallest of all,
I'm so afraid and all alone,
Could one little Christmas tree so tiny and small
Light up someone's home?
Now this is just getting creepy. Did the tree just ask to die? I think he did. Can trees be suicidal? Can they be put on suicide watch? What does someone do here? Can trees call the Samaritans?
I don't know. I'm so confused. So damn horribly confused. Since when could a tree talk, nevermind need its shoelaces and belt taken away from it?
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?
In the lane snow is glistening.
Cool story, bro. Are we all supposed to stop what we're doing when we hear a sleigh bell? Isn't that how northern Finland gets around--sleighs? How the hell do they operate as a society if they have to stop every five minutes because a sleigh bell has rung?
Gone away is the bluebird.
Here to stay is a new bird.
He sings a love song as we go along,
Walking in a winter wonderland.
The wannabe Audubon Society gets derailed pretty quickly in these lyrics. They're quick to tell us about the migratory patterns of the bluebird--but damned if they have a clue what this other bird looks like. What's a swallow look like? Maybe it's a chickadee? No rational bird flies north for the winter, whatever it is.
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he is Parson Brown.
Ri-i-i-ght. Because whenever I build a snowman I always equate cold, lifeless beings to clergy members.
He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man!
But you can do the job when you're in town."
Man, this Defense of Marriage Act crap has even moved into the snowman realm. The minute this snowman comes to life he's peppering questions about your married life. Soon snowmen will be trying to ban gay marriage and limit adoptions to only heterosexual couples.
Later on we'll conspire as we dream by the fire,
To face unafraid the plans that we made
Walking in a winter wonderland.
Just goes to show you how scary marriage is. You need to dream about being unafraid to face it.
Song: Last Christmas
Written by: George Michael
Sung by: Wham!
First off, the ratio of hair mousse-to-scalp is off the charts in this video, but that's beside the point.
George Michael brings to light the seedy underbelly of black market organ donation.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart,
But the very next day you gave it away.
This sort of logic brings up the problem with gifting. If you give someone something, isn't it their damn right to do what they feel with the gift--be it an ugly sweater or your heart? Maybe that heart had some quality resale value, and was worth some coin the day after Christmas.
This year, to save me from tears,
I'll give it to someone special.
Ooooh, snap! Them's fightin' words! I think George Michael just insulted someone through expert passive aggression.
Once bitten and twice shy,
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye.
Tell me, baby, do you recognize me?
Well, if it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me.
How much heroin are you doing that a lover doesn't recognize you a year later?
A crowded room, friends with tired eyes.
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice.
My God, I thought you were someone to rely on.
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on.
Possibly the only reference to a "soul of ice" in the history of Christmas song lyrics. It's like a bad sci-fi movie had sex with a Christmas song. So heartwarming!
Song: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Written by: Randy Brooks
Sung By: Elmo & Patsy (...originally, although now there are horrible remakes of it)
Christmas traditions are always a tender thing. Mistletoe, children opening gifts, and manslaughter--they all make the season feel merry and bright.
She'd been drinking too much egg nog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.
I don't know what their recipe for egg nog calls for, but they need to share that with listeners. If it's strong enough to sauce a grandma whose liver is most likely already pickled, that's a needs-to-know kind of situation.
When they found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack,
She had hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.
Santa didn't just accidentally sideswipe her with his sleigh. There are Claus marks (?) on her back, which is pretty damning evidence if you ask me. It's suggestive that--after the reindeer pummeled her--the fat man got out of his sleigh and went full Ed Norton in American History X on grandma.
I've warned all my friends and neighbors,
"Better watch out for yourselves!"
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
I don't know what Santa's sexual kinks should have to do his getting a license. If the man plays a little slap-and-tickle with an elf, so be it. To each their own.
Song: One Little Christmas Tree
Written by: Ron Miller and Bryan Wells
Sung by: Stevie Wonder
The key to a pleasant Christmas song is to make sure you paint a scene of desperation.
One little Christmas tree was standing alone,
Waiting for someone to come by.
One little Christmas Tree that never had grown
Cried as he looked up to the sky.
Isolation? Check. An onset of depression? Check.
Please continue:
Oh, please Mr. Father Tree, the tallest of all,
I'm so afraid and all alone,
Could one little Christmas tree so tiny and small
Light up someone's home?
Now this is just getting creepy. Did the tree just ask to die? I think he did. Can trees be suicidal? Can they be put on suicide watch? What does someone do here? Can trees call the Samaritans?
I don't know. I'm so confused. So damn horribly confused. Since when could a tree talk, nevermind need its shoelaces and belt taken away from it?
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