Google's AI loves romance novels, post-modernist poetry, and potentially murder.

Whisper sweet nothings to me...

Like many tech organizations, Google is working on artificial intelligence (AI). And like any good science fiction movie, the AI developed so far is cold, calculating, and incapable of showing much human emotion. Kind of like your ex-significant other.

Google wanted to change this. The Brain Team made their AI read 2,865 romance novels in hopes it would develop a more sensible diction to its tone of voice--or at least an appreciation for book covers with bare chested men. Next, the team then gave the AI two short sentences, one beginning, one end, and asked its computer child to complete the story and concept in fewer than thirteen of its own sentences.

What we get is poetry that even Walt Whitman pauses over.

Take this poem:


there is no one else in the world.
there is no one else in sight.
they were the only ones who mattered.
they were the only ones left.
he had to be with me.
she had to be with him.
i had to do this.
i wanted to kill him.
i started to cry.
i turned to him.


It's always a good laugh whenever AI casually writes the sentence "I wanted to kill him." As if every dystopian nightmare just didn't become a little more possible. This is The Matrix without Keanu Reeve's stilted delivery.

Then there's this nugget:


he was silent for a long moment.
he was silent for a moment.
it was quiet for a moment.
it was dark and cold.
there was a pause.
it was my turn.


This is after it read romance books, too! Imagine what vivid little love chestnuts might have come out if the AI read horror stories, war epics, or anything involving Twilight.

Google says they're still in the early stages of creating a natural speech pattern for its AI, although it's doubtful homicidal computers ever need to have casual conversational skills.

Anne Rice sold the movie rights to all of her vampire novels, which means Tom Cruise will have a job for awhile.

Interview with the Vampire was published in 1976 and later adapted into a movie in 1994, so things don't move quickly when it comes to Anne Rice.

Now, 20-years after the movie and nearly 40-years after the novel, Rice has sold the movie rights to all 13 novels in the Vampire Chronicles to Universal and Imagine Entertainment, which also includes the rights to any future novels in the series she may create.

This means everyone needs to get used to a pale, flaxen-haired Tom Cruise pulling his best Twilight impersonation for the next decade or so.

Kristen Stewart wrote a poem. And it's as amazing as you imagined.

During an interview with Marie Claire magazine, Kristen Stewart recited a poem, which she declared "embarrassing," yet also allowed to be printed. As I always say, if you want to be embarrassed, you might as well do it in international publications. Be subtle.

The poem and article can be read in its entirety at Marie Claire. For now, here's the poem:


My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole

I reared digital moonlight
You read its clock, scrawled neon
across that black
Kismetly … ubiquitously crest fallen
Thrown down to strafe your foothills...
I'll suck the bones pretty.
Your nature perforated the abrasive
organ pumps
Spray painted everything known to man,
Stream rushed through and all out into
Something
Whilst the crackling stare down sun snuck
Through our windows boarded up
He hit your flint face and it sparked.
And I bellowed and you parked
We reached Marfa.

One honest day up on this freedom pole
Devils not done digging
He's speaking in tongues all along the
pan handle

And this pining erosion is getting dust in
My eyes
And I'm drunk on your morsels
And so I look down the line
Your every twitch hand drum salute
Salutes mine...


As she describes in Marie Claire, "I like being able to hit on something, like, 'There it is.' I don't want to sound so fucking utterly pretentious … but after I write something, I go, 'Holy fuck, that's crazy.' It's the same thing with acting: If I do a good scene, I'm always like, 'Whoa, that's really dope.'"

I believe that's the exact same reaction William Faulkner had after writing The Sound and the Fury. "Whoa, that's really dope."




photo: Reuters

Business Insider selects most famous book set in every U.S. state.

For example, Massachusetts gets Walden.

Washington gets Twilight.

Everyone can't be a winner.










photo: The Thoreau Society

Stephenie Meyer hasn't read 'Fifty Shades of Grey'...thinks fan fiction is sad.

Despite that Fifty Shades of Grey was born as fan fiction in honor of Twilight, Twilight's creator Stephenie Meyer told Access Hollywood that she hasn't read EL James's BDSM saga.

"No, it's really not my kind of book--not my thing," Meyer told the TV show, subtly letting you know not to invite her to your next sex toy party. "But, you know, anytime somebody is out there being creative, that's great," she added like a glad-handing politician.

If you think Meyer doesn't appreciate that a fan of her poorly written books can create their own poorly written fiction, too--well, uh, you'd be right.

"I mean, I have read some fan fiction years ago and I found it really, like, kind of cool," Meyer said, mastering the backhanded compliment. "These people had these stories. I felt it was a little bit sad that they were doing them in a way where [the stories] weren't theirs, but I feel like all those people, they're practicing and they're going to write their book, it's going to come out of them eventually." After a slight pause, Meyer added, "Because they're writers."

Right on, Meyer! These people and their stories that aren't really their own creation. I mean, vampires? No one has ever written about these creatures of the night before--but you blazed a trail there and created blood sucking characters out of the depths of your imagination. And werewolves! Can't forget the werewolf angle! Men who turn into gigantic wolves? You could have had these guys turn into gigantic pigs or llamas, but you said, "No, no--I'm going completely original here: wolves." I'm not sure there has ever been a story like that in history. Not until you came up with such originality, Meyer!

And that thing you did with one woman being in love with two men--I'm not sure such a romantic scenario has ever been portrayed in entertainment history. What do we even call it? Three sides to romance--a sexy triangle? A hubba-hubba triangle? Maybe a love triangle?

Hey! A love triangle! That's fresh. Love triangle. Better trademark that before some other jamoke fan copies you.





photo: WireImage, via EW.com

Someone more creative than me creates gigantic 3,632 page book of the RGB color model.

Artist Tauba Auerbach is a very patient, methodical person. Must be, because no one else could put together 3,632 pages for a book that systematically resembles the RGB color model.

And, according to Design Taxi, it also comes with a cloth cover and page edges. So, you know, there's that, too.

Best part of all this? It's still a better read than Twilight.

photo: Brittany Schall

Oklahoman valedictorian denied diploma because she used the word "hell" during graduation speech.

Specifically, the moment of in-yo'-face-upside-yo'-head language occurred when Kaitlin Nootbaar said "How the hell do I know?" in a lighthearted moment where she channeled the Twilight franchise where Bella says something similar regarding what to do upon graduating high school.

Because Oklahoma has its fingers on the pulse of 1952, the school district denied granting Nootbaar a diploma because of her use of the word "hell."

In other news, the real crime here was that Kaitlin Nootbaar referenced Twilight without snickering.

Imagine Edward Cullen. Now imagine Edward Cullen as a black man.

Can't do it, can you? Not because you lack imagination--but it's hard to imagine something you've probably never seen. And studies now show you've probably never seen a black character on the cover of a young adult novel. (Please, dear God, I'm not considering Twilight anything else other than a YA book. Let's not debate this.)

Last year, blogger Kate Hart created a sort of color wheel--in the literal sense--about the colors of young adult book covers. But when she dived deeper she looked into the racial color representation of the book covers...and the only thing rarer than vampires are black people.

According to Hart, a study of YA book covers from 2011 show that 1.2% of all book covers show a black person--and often that black person is situated behind a white person or has skin light enough to compete with Mariah Carey. Overall, 10% of book covers show an "ambiguous" racial character on the cover--generally tan-ish in the vein of "Is that dude Greek, Brazilian, or Chinese?"

But are you black? The book publishing industry would like you to know disabled people are less represented than you are, to the extent of.................zero percent. That's right, folks--disabilities don't exist in the land of young adult fiction. It's a wonderful land of Xanadu! Young adult book covers are like a Benny Hinn revival healing. We're all healed!!

Healed, except for that whole racial and disability bias we have going on.



Oh, by the way---that cover of "Head Games" up above? That qualifies as a black character on the cover of a young adult novel. Where is that black man, you say? He's one of the faint, distant, tiny characters playing basketball in the background. Powerful, in-your-face representation of black America if I've ever seen it.

World Book Night: 100 Greatest Books...as selected by you.

Well, not really. More like "selected by you and an undetermined number of other people across the globe [with a decidedly British flavor]."

World Book Night will be held April 23, 2012, to coincide with...umm, well it's going to parallel the, uh, the...um. April 23 is the date when the, uh...

I got nothing. I don't know why the organizers picked that date. Earth Day? Isn't that in late April? Yeah, let's go with that. When you think about the sheer amount of trees that give up their lives every day to become a book, it only makes sense to align yourself with an environmental cause. It's called synergy, folks. It's the Circle of Life! Strike up the Elton John!

The wonderful world of make believe.

Rachel Manija Brown and Sherwood Smith are authors of books largely aimed at young adults. In an article posted on Publishers Weekly's website, they share stories of how book agents and editors have gone about trying to eliminate gay characters in their books.

"The agent offered to sign us on the condition that we make the gay character straight, or else remove his viewpoint and all references to his sexual orientation."

There are also stories in the comments section of the story of editors wiping manuscripts clean of any reference to gay characters.

Which is understandable. Because if there's any demographic that I've known to be touchy about viewing things with an open mind, it's book readers. Vampires who glitter in sunlight and battle werewolves for the love of teenage girls in suburban Washington? That's true to life. Little boys who become wizards and battle Ralph Fiennes in the woods of England? That's realistic.

Gays and lesbians in a book? That's make believe, my friends. That's just your imagination.

Amanda Hocking is a millionaire from writing ebooks. By comparison, I am not.

Yahoo! has an interview with a 26 year old woman named Amanda Hocking, best known now as a self-made millionaire from writing paranormal romance ebooks.

Hocking says she started writing while she had a full-time job, working 3pm to 9pm (full-time, eh?), and then would write for up to 12 hours after that fueled on Red Bull and SweeTarts. (No, really. SweeTarts. It's the poor man's pick-me-up.)

I don't know what "paranormal romance" actually means though. I'm assuming it's about someone like Edward Cullen, minus the hair mousse. Maybe? Ghosts? Maybe the novels are about zombies. I've often thought that there was a huge void on the zombie romance novel front. Look how zombies are so dedicated to having people for dinner. How romantic!

Sign language? That's mano a mano.

Often I'm accused of not knowing half of the things coming out of my mouth when I talk. Not so. I'm just naturally this lovable.

But Reader's Digest is pretty certain all of us are pretty lost on everyday speech. They have a list (never shall an arbitrary list pass my judgment unseen on here) of 24 Things You Might Be Saying Wrong. The fact they say "you might" suggests they're not even sure themselves.


Some of the 24 things:


1.) Saying Could care less
     When you mean Couldn't care less.

Well, maybe I could care less. Do I care that there is another Twilight movie coming out eventually? No. But could I care less? Maybe. Give me a second to think about it.

...

Yup, I could care less. I realized there was a smidge inside me that cared. In a few minutes I'll have cared less.

2.) Saying  mano a mano
     When you mean man-to-man

Apparently adding vowels to English words doesn't make them suddenly turn Spanish. This is a huge blow to your drunken Uncle Frank and his yearly stereotyping of Spaniards at Christmas dinner.

Mano means "hand" in Spanish. You've been telling people you want to talk hand-to-hand, kind of like in a Bruce Lee movie, minus the bloodshed and karate chops to the neck.

Now, granted, you might be suggesting to someone you want to reenact scenes from Enter the Dragon. But there's just a good chance they want to talk though.

3.) Saying Try and
     When you mean Try to

The issue? This is wrong:
"Uncle Frank is going to try and make rude jokes."

What's correct?
"Uncle Frank is going to try to make rude jokes."

But what Reader's Digest doesn't realize is that maybe Uncle Frank wants to accomplish two things. Maybe he wants "to try" rude jokes as well as "make" rude jokes. In which case, not only is Uncle Frank very stubborn, but he's single-handedly shaming the English language in a wide variety of ways.

4.) Saying Supposably
     When you mean Supposedly.

Reader's Digest says:
Supposably is, in fact, a word—it means "conceivably"—but not the one you want if you're trying to say "it's assumed," and certainly not the one you want if you're on a first date with an English major or a job interview with an English speaker.

As an English major myself, I've savagely mocked my first dates for the most imperceptible of differences in words.

You say you have a lisp, eh?

5.) Saying Beg the question
     When you mean Raise the question

Now this is just English acting snooty. It's stuff like this that makes math people hate us.

Know Your State College English Departments Simply Based on Their Website, Part Five: Bridgewater State College

State schools are plucky. Massachusetts state colleges are pluckier than most. When you're the (sort of) next door neighbor to the Harvards and M.I.T.s of the world, you need to put your best foot forward to get recognized. It's all in the presentation. So, in an attempt to learn more about our Massachusetts state college brethren, it's time to examine the English department websites of all state colleges and see what they put out there to the general public for all to learn about them.





Next Up: Bridgewater State College

Sometimes becoming an English major can seem like a daunting task. Maybe grammar isn't your strong suit, writing might be a weak point, and maybe spelling polysyllabic words befuddle you because you can't even spell or say the word "polysyllabic" to begin with.

Good news then! The Chair of the Bridgewater State College English Department wants you to know, eh, the rules of grammar can trip him up, too, especially in his welcome letter. Such as when he uses a hyphen when he should use an (e)m-dash, or when he randomly indents a paragraph late in his welcome for no discernible reason other than to see if you're paying attention. If you're an English major with Bridgewater State College, does pointing these errors out to him guarantee you'll graduate Summa Cum Laude? Yeah, sure, why not?

The Department also offers its own version of an English honors program. According to their website (my comments in parentheses):

By pursuing Honors, inspired students (all others--little lackluster, to be blunt) can reach their highest potential (Isn't potential like love or joy or annoyance? Can it actually be measured?) through critical thinking, scholarship, and inquiry. Close student-faculty relations (who's buying dinner?) and intensive research provide for the vigorous and thorough exchange of ideas (Team Edward or Team Jacob??), and offer students an opportunity to broaden their knowledge and experience (as would working as a janitor--or a mechanic--or a greeting card employee--or a maid).

If working hard for an Honors program isn't your idea of a good time, there's The Bridge--BSC's literary journal showcasing...ummm...give me a second here...((((looks))))...yeah, I got nothing. I'm guessing you can write anything. I'll go with haikus. Everyone loves a haiku. Oh, but there is a mission statement!

Mission statement (my charm in parentheses):
The Bridge is managed entirely by students. Our charge is to serve (sounds very politician-y), as we are dedicated to showcasing the artistic talents of the student body (fingers crossed on the haikus...) while providing internships in editing and in graphic design. Our goal is to excel (cue: politician closed-fist thumb thrust into the camera), as we wish to pay a debt to our alumni (just stop borrowing their money), keep a promise to ourselves (annnnd that would be--?), and set an example for our successors (...on how to take yourselves too seriously).

According to the "About" tab, eighteen people worked on the staff of The Bridge for their latest installment--fourteen students, two alumni, and two faculty. I'm guessing that means each person was in charge of reading half a haiku?

Confession time: I worked as an editor for FSC's literary journal, Route 2, this past year. I'm biased. In that sweet sort of bias though, like mothers to their children and grandmothers to brands of mayonnaise. We had a staff of four at Route 2. Usually only three worked at a time. It can be a mildly hectic job for three/four, but more than doable. But where is BSC getting 18 editors?? When did they become the New Yorker or Atlantic Monthly? Is it so they could all self-edit their own self-submissions? Are some editors only editing coffee orders? Who's in charge of foot rubs? How does this work? Who will answer me?

Most importantly, what was this "promise" they had to keep? It sounds like they've plagiarized Robert Frost. They're being secretive--and no one likes secrets. That's so high school, minus the whole getting-stuffed-in-lockers type thing.

Beauty is in the eye of the book holder.

Last year I covered that fact that, well--how do we say this politely?--most writers are only sexy for their brains. It says something (figuratively, unless psychosis is kicking in for you) that doing a Google search, again, using "good looking authors" this time (as opposed to "sexy authors" last time) brings a return question by Google asking, "Did you mean 'good looking actors'?"

So, let's look to see if any writers are turning heads for reasons other than their written work. The writers? Those listed as the top ten bestselling authors on Amazon.com as of May 25, 2010.


 1.) Book:  The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest
     Author:  Stieg Larsson

From the school of uncomfortable photography--

Middle-aged man paunch is a killer attribute for the ladies. Really, it's a killer. He's dead. From a heart attack.







2.) Book:  George Washington's Sacred Fire
     Author:  Peter A. Lillback

Okay, so he looks like a spokesperson for the 700 Club. I half expect him to ask me to donate $40 a month so I can become a Gold Club Member.








3.) Book:  Eat, Pray, Love: One Women's Search for Everything Across Italy, India, and Indonesia
    Author:  Elizabeth Gilbert

She appears to be one Birkenstock away from a one-woman Woodstock revival.

But she is the first person not overweight on the list. Not having heart disease can be appealing.





 
4.) Book:  The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
     Author:  Stieg Larsson

Stieg is back! Figuratively, of course.

You usually only see such awkward grimacing during certain medical procedures.








5.) Book:  Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything
     Author:  Geneen Roth

It seems a certain someone is naming her books suspiciously like other books higher up on this list to confuse shoppers. Maybe that's why she's so happy.








6.) Book:  Dead in the Family
     Author:  Charlaine Harris

 Admittedly, writing at a computer all day is a sedentary lifestyle.

7.) Book:  The Girl Who Played with Fire
     Author:  Stieg Larrsson

Stieg has resigned himself to his fate.

Worldwide fame and fortune after you die. It sucks.







8.) Book:  Open Leadership: How Social Technology Can Transform the Way You Lead
     Author:  Charlene Li

Winner of the Most Boring Bestselling Book Title, Charlene is a rare double-threat with the most boring photo as well. Fourth grade class photos are more action-packed.







 
9.) Book:  The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella
     Author:  Stephenie Meyer

Sometimes authors start to look like their characters.









10.) Book: The Help
       Author:  Kathryn Stockett

Soccer moms need someone to look up to.










But we here only have eyes for one man, whether he has a bestseller or not.

The one--

The only--

"Not favorable"? What--am I dealing with Roger Ebert here?

I've posted a few accounts of the easy (or difficult), simple (or tortuous), and cheap (haha..ha......ha) grad school application process.

Now, the letters of acceptance/rejection have arrived from various schools.

But let's not be weepy on the rejections. Life's too short. Alas, it's not short enough to write a blog entry about it.

First up: Boston University!

Rejection letter: In five sentences, someone named Rebekah Alexander whispers sweet nothings to me. And by sweet nothings I mean she says "nothing" is offered by BU in as sweet a way as possible.

Here is her entire letter in full, with my notes in the parentheses:

Dear Mr. Cuff: (a colon instead of a comma is never a good sign)

The Committee on Admissions has carefully reviewed (thank God--I was worried they'd be nonchalant about it) your application for admission to the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences. I am sorry to inform you (sounds like I'm getting medical tests back) that your application has not been approved. (Rejected. "Rejected"--it's okay to say the word. Otherwise it sounds like I've been denied a credit card.)

The number of people we can admit each year for graduate study is quite limited. (Limited amounts of actual people? But thanks to Twilight, vampire admissions are at an all-time high.) Unfortunately (she seems really broken up about this), because of intense competition (alright, I get it, I'll slip you a $20), we must in many instances deny admission (reject--it's okay to say the word, really) even to highly qualified candidates. (Might I change your mind if I told you I was only moderately qualified? It's worked for former presidents of the United States.)

We appreciate your interest in Boston University (and to think, I would have bought you dinner) and regret (hey, no regrets--just go ahead and accept me and we'll pretend this letter didn't happen) that the decision on your application was not favorable.

("...was a huge thumbs down.")
("...was changed from favorable to not favorable after Charles Schwab said your stock price was overinflated.")
("...was runny and lacked a touch of sea salt and oregano.")
("...was, gotta say, not too pleasant.")
("...was a little less than enthusiastic because Dancing with the Stars came on the tv in the office and we all got a little distracted.")
("...was favorable, but then we realized your application was stuck to some guy's from a private school. So, we made sure to accept him, and then we sent you this lovely letter.")

Sincerely, (well, at least they're sincere in their rejection)
Rebekah Alexander

She did actually sign it. Or at least had some assistant fake it. So, that's a personal touch. I do appreciate that.

Really now, did Boston University get sued by a disgruntled former applicant because they once used the word "rejected"? It's okay, BU--you can use the word. I'm a big boy. More than that, I'm an English major. My brain kind of works like a thesaurus, so I sort of notice when you're beating around the bush using euphemisms.

Now, Boston University, here's some basic advice for future rejections to grad school applicants:

1.) Use the word "rejection."

2.) Can't use the word "rejection"? Why not sass the letter up? See, not all applicants you reject will be as jovial as me. So, why not be creative. Try these various words in a variety of ways when rejecting people:

rebuffed        (for white collar applicants)

abandoned    (like a puppy!)

denied           (sounds like a verbal slap)

dropped        (for people who work for Verizon Wireless or AT&T)

forsaken       (for the religious applicants)

jilted             (sort of like a blushing bride)

refused         (kind of like a parent telling a child no)

shunned        (for any lepers that might apply)

disown          (to be used when BU undergrad applicants apply)

renounce      (for when your own children apply)

cast aside     (when you want to put a little visual action into your rejection letters)

discarded     (don't use when Earthy, recycling-types apply)

eliminated    (for when the Terminator applies)

As a side note, they CCed the letter to the English Department, as apparently the English Department can't be bothered. Really--that's like asking out someone to the prom, and then having their parents call you to say no. 

Thankfully, I didn't rent a limo or a tux just yet. It's their loss, though. I look pretty good in a bow-tie.

Does this mean Captain Kirk serenades Hermione Granger?

This is what happens when worlds collide.

This is a video of Leonard Nimoy (Spock, of the original Star Trek series) singing. Specifically, singing a song about Bilbo Baggins. Yes, that Bilbo Baggins. The hobbit.




I'm not sure what's going on here. We've got Spock (sans ears) rocking out while a bunch of women do their best impersonation of Beach Blanket Bingo. And the women are wearing some sort of Vulcan/Hobbit ears while they bust a move on the beach--again, to a song about Bilbo Baggins. And everyone seems to be head-butting everyone else at some point for no apparent reason. If it made any less sense we'd all be committed to a psych ward.

My best explanation? It was the '60's. That explains everything.

Really, how often are there songs about literary characters? More importantly, how long must I wait for the Uhura tribute album to the Twilight books?

Carrot cake? Carrots? Same nutritional quality to me.

Somewhere lost between Jackie Collins and William Faulkner is good writing. I'm sure of it. You don't find many knitting circles talking about a Faulkner classic that just tickles them pink, just as you don't find many pipe-smoking literati wearing ascots talking about the latest trashy Jackie Collins book that kept them up all night. Do Faulkner and Collins both serve their purpose? Sure. But are both good writers? Eh. Somewhere lost between the mental candy of Collins and the synapse-firing overload of Faulkner is a happy medium of writing.

I'll probably be excommunicated from the religion of literature for saying Faulkner does nothing for me, but so be it. Math textbooks have kept me more excited than most any Faulkner story. Maybe it's the force-feeding of Faulkner that loses me. When my mother tried force-feeding me beets as a child I rebelled. Faulkner = beets. My only redemption is that I don't rebel against Faulkner just to embrace the lusty nature of Jackie Collins. If Faulkner is beets then Jackie Collins is an ice cream sundae dessert on steroids. But I'll pass on getting literature diabetes as well, thanks.

Debates over good and bad taste are as old as humanity. I'm sure cave dwellers 20,000 years ago argued with one another over charcoal drawings of fish and horses on the cave walls. Today, we have people arguing with Gwyneth Paltrow on her own blog about books she, Madonna, and supermodel Christy Turlington say are good. (I don't know what part of that last sentence disturbs me most--that Gwyneth Paltrow has a blog, or that Christy Turlington is telling me what books to read.) So, if Christy Turlington can sashay down the runway and then turn around and tell me to read The Sound and the Fury by Faulker (as she does...here), then I can turn around and argue what's as equally overrated. Here are a few random strays to get you going:

1.) Catcher in the Rye, by JD Salinger: I've come across more pubescent angst in a Miley Cyrus song than I ever read in this book. Yet, again and again and again I'm told this book cuts to the bone on examining society and human relations. Maybe it was cutting edge when it was published in 1951. "I Love Lucy" still had Lucy and Ricky sleeping in separate beds after all, so maybe society wasn't ready for Holden Caulfield getting reprimanded by a pimp. Still, I don't see the genius behind it. Shakespeare had cross-dressers 350 years earlier, so it's not like touching on taboo issues was only broached by Salinger.

2.) The Twilight books: Like lawyers and mosquitoes, blood suckers in the form of vampires never did anything for me. A literate 6th grader amped-up on Little Debbie snack cakes and 7-Up could probably conjure up a more interesting premise.

3.) Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison: Morrison is a great writer, don't get me wrong. Sula? Good stuff. It's just that Song of Solomon feels as realistic as a Days of Our Lives plot line. But if this is all it takes to be considered for the Nobel Prize for literature, then I can't wait to win my own in about 30 years. I could use the money.

4.) The Poky Little Puppy by Janette Sebring Lowrey: Hey, don't knock it. The Poky Little Puppy kept me captivated as a wee one. But the devastation I had at the conclusion of the book when he goes to bed without strawberry shortcake and feels very sorry for himself cut too close to the heart. Here was this puppy--a rebel ten times more powerful than Holden Caulfield--and he gets his comeuppence at the end. Can't we send our children off to bed on a high note??

5.) Anything by Mitch Albom: Like The Poky Little Puppy, only for adults, and more ruthless in trying to convey a "lesson." Pretend The Poky Little Puppy decided to die at the end for no other reason because he led a misbegotten life and didn't hug his children enough. Then you get a Mitch Albom book.

That's it for now. If you don't mind, I need to go see what Christy Turlington and Gwyneth Paltrow are telling me to do next. They promised a "yummy meal" at the end of their best books blog post, so I've got my fingers crossed for a tasty Sunday meal in store!