Congratulations! Because of your dreams (or fickle nature) and determination (or horrible economy) you've decided to apply to grad school. In just a few, easy, hundred steps, you, too, can make it to grad school.
Let's break down the process for you in this easy-to-follow plan!
GRE General Test Overview:
1.) Have you always wanted to feel like a two-bit criminal and revel in the charm of home imprisonment without the pesky need for an ankle bracelet? Well, good news! Registering online for the GRE general test requires endless hours trapped indoors chained to your computer. A Thomas Pynchon novel makes more sense than the GRE website. It's a labyrinth of information that feels like an endless maze with no sure outcome. Kind of like the tv show LOST, except for less good looking people.
2.) Are you struggling to make ends meet? Do the tender pains of malnutrition make you feel lightheaded with excitement? Get ready to feel your rib cage protrude a little bit more, because the GRE general test costs $150 to take. Do mom and dad still love you despite that one year of college that you totally wasted? Have they forgiven those incriminating photos/police arrests/school probations/sobbing late-night phone calls traced back to you? If so, they might be your source for paying the GRE fees.
Have your parents smartened up and disowned you? Or are you poor and working through college on your own? The folks who run the GRE have a "fee reduction" for those who are financially crippled. If you are literally poverty-stricken and on the verge of living in the slums of Calcutta and don't see any Slumdog Millionare opportunities coming your way in the near future--then the GRE folks will be more than happy to allow you to pay only $75 instead. Only $75?! That's right! For the price of two weeks worth of groceries, you, too, can get a miserly discount to take the GRE. That's just like Christmas morning! What a present!
That $75 you just saved? Don't go spending it all on food and any actual life-sustaining things just yet. The good GRE folks will be asking for it later on.
3.) They say the camera adds ten pounds. Get ready to look morbidly obese then, because the GRE test center has more cameras than the paparazzi at a Lindsay Lohan meltdown. You'll be on camera when you fill out forms in the main office...when they take your picture...and during the entire duration of your test. You also get to sit in a small room with windows to an outside office where test proctors stare at you for the entire duration to make sure you're not cheating. It's like being admitted into a mental hospital without any complimentary straight-jackets.
4.) Countdown clocks needn't only be used as a cheap plot device to action movies or for New Year's Eve celebrations. When you're in the midst of taking the GRE general test, feel free to take the optional 10 minute break between the two major portions of the test.
Sure, the computer counts down from 10 minutes until it will automatically continue the test with or without you.
Sure, the bathroom might be 15 minutes away from the testing office.
Sure, you might be blessed with a horrible bladder.
But why not add a little spice to your testing session and see if you can make the mad dash to the bathroom in the 10 minute window? Do some wind sprints and squat thrusts in the weeks leading up to the test. Get that fast-twitch muscle fiber in your thighs to work for your benefit!
5.) Those math classes you avoided and scraped by in college will be useless when it comes to the math portion of the test. Flip a coin to answer the multiple choice questions. Draw straws. Try one-potato, two-potato. Later, when grad schools ask you to defend your meager math score, tell them not to worry. Your math skills are still good enough to make sure you pay your tuition bill on time.
6.) When the GRE computer asks if you want to see your grades instantly at the test's conclusion, debate the merits of such a decision. Realize you don't have to. Realize you can walk away. Realize you're free to start over from scratch.
Realize your curiosity is lethal enough to kill both the cat and your patience, and accept the grades...and get ready for the GRE subject test.
GRE Subject Test Overview:
1.) Do you like money? Does it burn a hole in your pocket? Do you like spending it? You do? Good! Because the GRE folks like your money, too. In fact, they probably like it more than you do. Because they're going to charge you another $130 to take the subject test. That's right. Between the general and subject tests, you'll spend $280.
For comparison's sake, let's say you get paid the federal minimum wage and work 40hrs in a week. Before taxes, you'll make $290. Assuming you stiff Uncle Sam on the taxes, after paying the GRE folks their testing fees, you'll have $10 left. That will pay for at least 10 to 15 packages of Ramen noodles to feed you for the week. If you're still hungry, might I suggest dumpster diving?
2.) Taking the subject test in literature requires only a small effort: covering 1000 years worth of literature that spans the entire world. Thankfully, the Kingdom of Bhutan was a total deadbeat with their literature. They can be ignored.
Of course, the GRE folks casually define "world literature" as literature created only as far east as France, and as far west as Ohio. In reality, the subject test is so xenophobic of world influences that it makes a box of chalk look multicultural by comparison. Asian literature? It never happened. African literature? It only counts if it was written by a visiting European. South American literature? Well, South America already uses the word "America," and that's already being used in the name of the United States of America, so why quibble?
3.) The British literary scene from the years 1000 to 2009 is like that overachiever we all know in college. That person who gets involved in every group, every organization, raises their hand for every question in class, and maintains a 4.0 GPA. That's British literature. They pumped out more novels than Nora Roberts--and sometimes it was even of better quality than Nora, too.
There's poetry, novels, short stories, drama--all from thousands of well-known writers, of which the GRE folks assume you'll know everything about. From Shakespeare's sad addiction to horse racing to Salman Rushdie's strange fascination with pickled beets, every random fact will be covered.
(Note: Neither of those facts are true about Shakespeare or Rushdie---yet. Give me ten minutes with their respective Wikipedia entries and I'll make them true.)
4.) Relive the magic of your childhood use of pencils. The subject test is done on paper, using bubble answer sheets and only wooden #2 pencils. Why not a mechanical pencil? The GRE folks assume you're channeling the spirit of MacGyver and are smuggling an answer sheet in the spring-loaded fire power of your mechanical pencil. As an English major, this is the only time in your life someone will assume you know how some technological gadget works. Take it as a compliment.
5.) Patience is a virtue. Don't pitch a fit over not receiving your grades immediately. Getting the test results are a lot like you taking a literature test at 8am on a Monday: slow, confused, and unlikely to impress.
It takes six weeks for grades to come in.
6.) You know that $75 you saved earlier when you cried poverty? Hopefully you didn't go spending it on any actual life-sustaining nutrition at the grocery store, because the GRE folks would like that money back. Why? Well, in order for many grad schools to actually see your grades, you need to pay the GRE people $20 per school. Sure, the folks at the GRE give you a few "free" schools you can send the grades to as part of your $130 subject test fee. But assuming you're not cockier about your grad school chances than Mick Jagger at a convention full of supermodels, you're going to need to apply to a lot of grad schools. More than just the "free" scores will cover.
Please don't cry. Poverty is only a state of mind. Really. Oprah tells me so.
7.) If you haven't crawled into the fetal position and started rocking back and forth over the psychological trauma you've just put yourself through, take a breather before applying to actual grad schools. A good breather. Long, deeply drawn-out breaths. Preferably into a paper bag.
Why?
Grad schools like money, as well. And they won't acknowledge your application's existence until they see some cash first, too.
Have you thought about panhandling yet?
To be continued in part two...
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