Lexus asked James Patterson to review their car.

"A collaboration between Lexus and James Patterson was the perfect way to bring the experience of the (car) to life, as both a brand and an author who place such high importance on their respective crafts."


So says Michael Canning, the Executive Creative Director at the Australian marketing firm M&C Saatchi. Canning is apparently unaware that James Patterson hands over all the importance of his books to his stable of collaborators, as Patterson hardly writes anything with his name on it. Minor detail.




Regardless, Lexus in Australia will begin airing advertisements with a Patterson voiceover as he mutters out cliché after cliché.

Patterson feels confident, though, as he's quoted saying about the advertising campaign, "At first I wondered why Lexus chose me to review the LC500. But after one drive, I realize a car like no other needs a review like no other."

He added, "I hope it's as breathtaking as any of my best-selling thrillers, because the LC 500 deserves all that and more."

My guess is if anyone lost their breath while reading a Patterson book, it was an asthma attack or an adverse reaction to a peanut allergy--not the book itself.

All I know is that Stephen King is somewhere ready to write an infinitely better review of a Yugo or Datsun on the cheap.

Good thing Red found it when he did: The 'Shawshank' tree is no more.

Hurry up, Red. That tree isn't going to last forever, man.

Stephen King wrote The Shawshank Redemption as a slice of the Maine prison system, and the movie adaptation played along and pretended it was rural Maine as well.

Except the movie's producers probably realized you never want to visit rural Maine under any circumstances, so they used a great deal of Ohio as a stand-in.

This included the area where Red (played in the movie by Morgan Freeman), once released from prison, seeks out a tree that his former prison mate, Andy (played by Tim Robbins), told him about. The tree was where Andy proposed to his wife--and buried at the base of the tree would be a tin with information and money for Red to come join in a new life with him.

In the book and in the movie, the tree is symbolic of hope and love and redemption.

Alas, Mother Nature doesn't care about your feels and doesn't care about Stephen King stories. Lightning struck the tree in 2011, badly damaging large portions of it. Then, yesterday, not one to wait around for the inevitable, Mother Nature drew up a fury of high winds which caused the tree to keel over.

Which sort of makes you wonder what Red would have done if the tree actually tipped over years before he ever found it in the book or the movie. Andy didn't think this through, did he? He can figure out how to chisel through prison walls and overthrow a corrupt warden--but the man never had a backup plan if Mother Nature went on a tear.

That was the really lackluster alternative ending Stephen King never wanted you to read.

Should they sit at the kids' table or with the adults? Seventeen famous writers as children judged.

Did you grow up eating at the kids' table during Thanksgiving? You know, when your family chose to banish you into a corner with an assortment of cousins that you rarely saw and hardly liked? The cousin who's a few oats short of a Cheerio? The other cousin who lacks personal grooming habits and doesn't know the tender touch of a facecloth? Yeah--that happened to a lot of us.

We were all kids at some point though. Some of us were debonair, and some of us were a hot mess. And so were famous writers.

Here are seventeen famous writers when they were children or teenagers--and whether they should luck out and eat with the adults or be at the kids' table for Thanksgiving:

1.) Robert Frost

Even as a baby, Frost couldn't manage a smile. And it all went downhill from here.

Kids' table!

2.) Vladimir Nabokov

The snappy tie, the tube socks channeling his wannabe inner Flashdance waiting to break free, all while rocking penny loafers.

Adults' table!

3.) Virginia Woolf

She even judges while playing cricket. You don't need her judging your homemade stuffing, too.

Kids' table!

4.) Langston Hughes

Somewhere under that giant mound of baby clothes is Hughes. Is he a wizard? He might be a wizard.

Adults' table!

5.) Roald Dahl

There's a 50% chance he just walked off the set of Downton Abbey.

Adults' table!

6.) Jorge Luis Borges

It's as if baby Spock just came back from a cruise ship adventure.

Adults' table!

7.) F. Scott Fitzgerald

A whip for the toy horse?

And we all know he's going to drink all the booze anyway...

Kids' table!

8.) Franz Kafka

Is that a goat? Ram? Sheep?

Whatever it is, it has a hat. No one can deny a hat-wearing sheep is a winning look.

Adults' table!

9.) Carl Jung

That's the face of judgment. No one needs that while eating the sweet potatoes.

Kids' table!

10.) J.R.R. Tolkien

Tolkien and his younger brother are channeling the pilgrim look. But they're missing the stylish hats with the belt buckles.

Kids' table!

11.) Aldous Huxley

The shoes say, "I came here on the Mayflower."

The sour face says, "I need a nap."

Kids' table!

12. Arthur Rimbaud

You just kind of get the vibe that after he passes you the bowl of peas, he'll politely read you a poem.

Adults' table!

13.) Alice Munro

You try wearing a bonnet and look so cute. You can't, can you?

Adults' table!

14.) Flannery O'Connor

She might be good with small talk, but the entire time she'll be plotting a short story where she makes you a creep.

Kids' table!

15.) Noam Chomsky

Don't let the coy smile fool you. That starched white collar channels a Miles Standish quality.

Kids' table!

16.) Victor Hugo

Little Lord Fauntleroy, is that you?

Adults' table!

17.) Stephen King

You usually only see 85-year old men wearing pants that high.

Adults' table!

Keep it pithy: A 200 word essay could win you a bed and breakfast.

It sounds like a Stephen King novel come to life.

It overlooks the White Mountains in rural southwestern Maine. Seven guest units, two dining rooms, a guest house, a barn, and 12+ acres of land--and it's all yours for an amazing 200 word essay and a $125 entrance fee.

Innkeeper Janice Sage is running a contest to see who will be the new owner of her bed and breakfast, a property built in 1805 that she's owned since 1993 after she, too, won a similar contest. Now she's ready to retire.

Located roughly three and a half hours north of Boston and an hour from Portland, ME, the Center Lovell Inn is valued at an estimated $905,000. Sage won't give the property away unless she receives 7,500 short essays, which will raise an estimated $938,000. Out of that, Sage will donate $20,000 to the new innkeeper so they have a head start.

Before you associate a Maine B&B with a Stephen King novel, remember that The Shining took place in Colorado. Rabid dogs and pets rising from the dead is Maine. Blood flowing from the walls is totally a Colorado phenomenon. Your Maine B&B will be fine.

Some Famous Writer Once Lived Here (or still does): Bangor, Maine

Some Famous Writer Once Lived Here is where we check out cities or towns that--you guessed it--a famous writer once lived (or still does). Picture the illegitimate lovechild between the US Census report and a tourist pamphlet from a local chamber of commerce. What's it like there today? Here's where we find out.


Today:  Stephen King currently lives in Bangor, Maine:


Maine is a state with two identities. One is the postcard perfect rocky coastline that greets the Atlantic Ocean, dotted with lighthouses and harbors brimming with lobster trawlers and dappled sunlight. The other is a densely wooded interior, thick with moose and unsmiling bearded men wearing camo and the weight of fifty New England winters.

Bangor is a halfway house between the two Maines, from mainlining heroin (rural interior) to sobriety (the coastline).

Clearly Bangor, Maine, doesn't have the sex appeal of San Francisco or Miami--or even Burlington, VT, for that matter--but it does have Stephen King. If you lived in Miami you'd write about Cuban drug smugglers named Tony Montana who have with a cocaine jones. If you lived in Bangor, Maine, you'd write about rabid dogs named Cujo who want to murder you and your children. That explains Bangor, and that explains Stephen King.


The basics of Bangor, Maine:

Location:

About thirty miles north up the Penobscot River from Penobscot Bay and the Atlantic Ocean you'll find Bangor, hanging at the midway driving point between Portsmouth, NH, and Saint John, NB, Canada.

When given the choice between New Hampshire or Canada, always go with Canada.

2010 Census:

Population: 33,039 people, up nearly 1,500 people since 2000. Stephen King's next novel will be about population control.

Racial Makeup:  93.1% white, 1.7% African American, 1.2% Native American, 1.7% Asian, 1.5% Hispanic or Latino. If you ever doubted Maine was racially diverse, well, it's apparent that you were right, and your pessimism didn't help.

Of those listed as families by the U.S. Census, 12.6% had a female householder with no husband present, while 4.2% had a male householder with no wife present--proving once and for all that men can't live by themselves.


What to see, what to do in Bangor:





It's always good to dabble in a little culture before venturing into the forest to kill a few moose. The University of Maine Museum of Art has over 6,500 pieces, including works by Marsden Hartley, Berenice Abbot, Winslow Homer, and John Marin. And at least one of those people is vaguely famous, too!

You cannot see this Winslow Homer painting in Maine.

The Mount Hope Garden Cemetery has over 300 rolling acres to walk, and was the setting for the filming of Stephen King's Pet Sematary. Homicidal offspring rising from the dead? Sounds like a family tourist attraction if I ever heard of one. Bring the kids!

He carries a big stick...and a smile.

There's a Paul Bunyan statue to visit, claiming to be the largest Paul Bunyan statue in the world. Because you don't want to see just any second-rate gigantic Paul Bunyan statue...you want to see the largest.

Interested in Bangor's #1 tourist attraction, according to TripAdvisor? Nothing says a hot, happening good time like the Cole Land Transportation Museum, which has a variety of transport vehicles that have graced the dirt and paved roads of Maine. According to Wikipedia, the museum has "various vintage automobiles, including [...] a Buick, a Volkswagen, and the Oldsmobile 98, the official vehicle of Governor Joseph E. Brennan of Maine, who served from 1979 to 1987."

That's right, folks. You, too, can visit a museum and see not only a Volkswagen, but a Buick as well. That's the kind of suburban titillation usually reserved for strip malls.


Where to eat in Bangor:


The Fiddlehead Restaurant has a $16 burger and $25 pork ribs, but their website links to a news article that claims Fiddlehead is inexpensive. You know what's inexpensive? Ramen.

Cheap! And remotely tasty!

If you're looking for a taste of Alabama, but minus the feel of 1860's Confederacy, venture in to Moe's Original Bar B Que, which has locations through the U.S., including 13 in Alabama...and one in Bangor. Is Bangor the Birmingham of the north? Yes. Yes, it is.

You know when a restaurant is too cool to have a website because it gets by on word of mouth? So then they like to add some level of mystery in today's modern world by keeping themselves off the web? That's Friars' Bakehouse, which apparently makes ginormous sandwiches that make Bangor residents' hearts flutter like a protagonist in a Stephen King novel about to be murdered. Since we can't learn about this restaurant revelation, let's all assume it's like the cross between a Subway and a Chipotle, only classier.


Wasn't the modern recipe for brownies created in Bangor?

Yes. But don't we all kind of prefer cupcakes?


Stephen King's thoughts on Bangor:
"Where we live in Maine is one of the poorest counties. A lot of the people we see and hang with cut wood for a living, drive trash, that sort of thing. I don’t want to say I have the common touch, but I am just a common person, and I have this one talent that I use."

(In Neil Gaiman's interview in the UK Sunday Times Magazine.)

Famous Writers with Cats: Stephen King

Writers need inspiration somewhere in life, and for many that inspiration comes from their pet cats.

This is a running series where we post pictures of famous writers with their feline companions--the cute, the cuddly, the creepy. And that's just the writers.

Today:  Stephen King

This is a subtle photographic representation of every novel Stephen King has written.

The real danger here? The kitten on King's shoulder. Don't let its miniature feline form fool you. It's got Baby Cujo written all over it.

Stephen King's greatest fear.

On a tour to promote his new book Doctor Sleep--a sequel to his 1977 book The Shining--Stephen King was asked what his greatest fear was. As the creator of deranged serial killers, killer dogs, killer clowns, and killer teenage girls, King's response was much less homicidal.

"I'm afraid of Alzheimer's," he said. "Declining mental ability. That scares the heck out of me."





photo: Getty Images, via The Telegraph

Stephen and Tabitha King pledge $3 million for local Maine library remodel.

Under one stipulation:

The Bangor, ME, town library must raise $6 million from other sources for the remodel before the Kings hand over the dough.

So...yaaahhh...? Charity!

Stephen King writes essay on gun ownership, can't win.

In an Amazon exclusive, Stephen King--a gun owner--wrote a twenty-five page essay on gun ownership in America and his suggestions for stemming violence like the Sandy Hook school shooting.

"If this helps provoke constructive debate, I've done my job," King writes on his website.

Give it a week before the NRA creates an ad campaign claiming King hates America.

Famous Writers Shirtless: Stephen King

A fleeting internet meme happened of writers in underpants--but it passed too quickly to be truly appreciated.

So, occasionally we'll post some literary beefcake for your perusal.

Today:  Stephen King (w/ family)

This is more of the King family than I can handle in an afternoon.

Admittedly, Stephen is about forty shades tanner than I was wagering.

To be honest, Toni Morrison was never setting trends with her hair.

Rutgers University came out with a list of speaking fees for celebrities.

Rumor has it that writers occasionally become celebrities. Like Stephen King and someone else, undoubtedly, that is so famous I can't recall them right now.

Well, it seems Toni Morrison (a writer rumored to be famous among Nobel Prize winners and Tony Toni Toné fans) makes $30,000 per public speaking engagement. This would sound pretty good until you realize that everyone's favorite human gnome, Snooki, from The Jersey Shore, apparently makes $32,000.

The reasoning for Snooki's extra two grand? She actually answers questions from the audience and talks with people. Toni Morrison refuses.

That's because Toni Morrison is just living up to the stereotype that writers are really socially awkward talking with people and/or pompous individuals. Which is hard to believe, because Toni Morrison has always seemed so relatable to...someone.

Not me, though. I send my man servant off to answer all letters sent to this blog. The little people mean a lot.

Shady Song Lyrics: Romantic Songs Edition

Let's talk romantic song lyrics.

We've covered Christmas/holiday songs (Santa is a bounty hunter!)--twice (Jesus requires quality footwear to enter heaven!).

We've covered Broadway tunes (the tenderness of misogyny and child abuse in song!).

Now it's time for romantic songs to be examined. There are crimes against poetry and logic that can no longer go ignored.

Song: Wishin' and Hopin'

Sung (most famously) by: Dusty Springfield

Written by: Hal David and Burt Bacharach

New love can be an awkward thing. (Remember, folks, never order spaghetti on a first date.) If only there was some sort of playbook for women to know how to act around a new date. Thankfully, Hal David and Burt Bacharach have the answers.

So if you're looking to find love you can share,

all you gotta do is:

hold him and kiss him,

and love him and show him you care

Well, pinning a man down and holding him while you kiss him will definitely limit his ability to run. It's kind of like Stephen King's Misery, without the impromptu leg amputation.

Show him that you care just for him,

do the things he likes to do.

Watch football, eat pork rinds, and drink cheap beer while sitting in a recliner that is falling apart at the seams from overuse and his budding obesity?

Wear your hair just for him,

'cause you won't get him thinkin' and prayin',

wishin' and hopin'.

Ah, so the key to everlasting love is quality hairstyles that drive men wild. Good to know. Too bad Jane Austen never got the heads-up about this. Totally undermines Pride and Prejudice now.

Song:  Diana

Sung by: Paul Anka

Written by: Paul Anka

How to woo the older ladies in song? Paul Anka lets you know it's best to try like this:

I'm so young and you're so old,

This, my darling, I've been told.

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that all women love to be told they look so old that it's noticeable by the general public, no matter how much black market Botox they use.

Thrills I get when you hold me close,

Oh, my darling, you're the most.

The most...what? The most old woman going around these days? The most wrinkly thing he's seen in awhile? 

Oh, Diana, can't you see

I love you with all my heart? 

Imagine how obvious his love would be if he told you about how ugly the neighborhood thinks you are, too. 

And I hope we will never part

Oh, please, stay with me--Diana.

Just think of all the sweet-nothings he'll whisper to you if you stick around--your B.O, your lazy eye, your bow-leggedness. The possibilities are endless for precious love talk.

Song: Woman, Woman

Sung by: Gary Puckett & The Union Gap

Written by: Jim Glaser and Jimmy Payne

Women like jealous men lacking self-esteem who call you "Woman." It's a winning play from the Ike Turner School of Love.

Woman, oh woman,

have you got cheating on your mind?

Well, you know, now that you ask, she's been meaning to talk to you about how all that free milk has been delivered lately.

I've seen the way men look at you

When they think I don't see

And it hurts to have them think you're that kind 

What kind is that? The visible kind? How dare this woman be visible to the naked eye! Why isn't she wearing hunting camo?

A woman wears a certain look

when she is on the move

That could just be the high heels talking, buddy. I hear bunions aren't pleasant.

And a man can always tell what's on her mind

I hate to have to say it

But that look's all over you

Hate to have to say it? You've just gone an entire song accusing the poor woman. It seems like you're pretty free-flowing with your opinions.

Song: Glory of Love

Sung by: Peter Cetera

Written by: Peter Cetera, David Foster, Diane Nini

Obsessive guys (with fantastic amounts of mousse in their hair) living in a time warp! How creepy can we get? Let's look:

Tonight it's very clear

As we're both lying here

There's so many things I want to say

I will always love you

I would never leave you alone.

Therapists recommend individual "me time" for a healthy relationship. Peter Cetera wants you to know that therapists have never been in a kind of love that requires a restraining order. Going to work? Peter is going to be there with you. Going out with friends? To the grocery store? To the bathroom? Peter is there to check in on you.

I am a man who will fight for your honor

I'll be the hero you're dreaming of

Batman?

We'll live forever knowing together

We did it all for the glory of love.

Actually, she's doing it for the potential alimony and child support.

You'll keep me standing tall.

You'll help me through it all.

What's that? Rehab? What's going on here?

I have always needed you.

I could never make it alone

It took three people to write this song?

Just like a knight in shining armor

From a long time ago

Just in time I will save the day

Take you to my castle far away

Did the sheriff of Nottingham make an appearance? What in God's name happened to take us back in time to knighthoods and castles? What is clear is that chivalry is alive and well. Peter Cetera is so chivalrous, he'll kidnap you and transport you over state lines.

Song: Young Girl

Sung by: Gary Puckett & The Union Gap

Written by: Jerry Fuller

Gary Puckett has come back with a double-dose of weird love song action. Ahh, the tender images of potential statutory rape in song!

Young girl, get out of my mind,

My love for you is way out of line

That's what the judge said, too.

Better run, girl,

You're much too young, girl

I've often thought the threat of statutory rape should be set to a pop song beat. Nothing teaches the kids about predatory old men quite like when that predatory old man tells them he's dangerous.

You've kept the secret of your youth,

You led me to believe 

You're old enough

To give me love.

Well, if she knows the secret to youth, she might want to let Paul Anka's Diana know what it is. Word on the street is that she's looking pretty haggard these days.

And though you know that it is wrong to be alone with me,

Alone with me,

That come-on look is in your eyes

Her eyes are really saying, "Come on, don't kill me!"

So hurry home to your mama

I'm sure she wonders where you are

My first guess where the girl is? Peter Cetera's castle.

Song: You're Having My Baby

Sung by: Paul Anka w/Odia Coates

Written by: Paul Anka

Not to be outdone, Paul Anka sees Gary Puckett's creepy love songs, and raises him a creepy love song with a misogynistic bent.

Havin' my baby

What a lovely way of sayin'

How much you love me.

That's right, lady--that's HIS baby. Sure, it might be gestating for nine months in your womb, but Paul Anka is pretty certain he's doing all the heavy lifting.

Havin' my baby

What a lovely way of sayin'

What you're thinking of me.

My guess is she thinks that bank account of yours looks pretty sustainable over the next eighteen years.

You're the woman I love,

And I love what it's doing to ya'.

Admittedly, swollen ankles, back pain, night sweats, and morning sickness are all lovable conditions.

You're a woman in love,

And I love what's going through ya'.

Yeeeeah, folks, sometimes I can't even make these lines up.

Didn't have to keep it,

Wouldn't put ya through it,

You could have swept it from your life

But you wouldn't do it,

No, you wouldn't do it.

References to abortions have always held such a great potential for toe-tapping excitement in a song, it's a wonder more songs haven't gone with that angle. Between you and me, The Beatles could have used a few songs referring potential abortions. But Lennon & McCartney must be too good for such things. And look how they turned out?

Beauty is in the eye of the book holder.

Last year I covered that fact that, well--how do we say this politely?--most writers are only sexy for their brains. It says something (figuratively, unless psychosis is kicking in for you) that doing a Google search, again, using "good looking authors" this time (as opposed to "sexy authors" last time) brings a return question by Google asking, "Did you mean 'good looking actors'?"

So, let's look to see if any writers are turning heads for reasons other than their written work. The writers? Those listed as the top ten bestselling authors on Amazon.com as of May 25, 2010.


 1.) Book:  The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest
     Author:  Stieg Larsson

From the school of uncomfortable photography--

Middle-aged man paunch is a killer attribute for the ladies. Really, it's a killer. He's dead. From a heart attack.







2.) Book:  George Washington's Sacred Fire
     Author:  Peter A. Lillback

Okay, so he looks like a spokesperson for the 700 Club. I half expect him to ask me to donate $40 a month so I can become a Gold Club Member.








3.) Book:  Eat, Pray, Love: One Women's Search for Everything Across Italy, India, and Indonesia
    Author:  Elizabeth Gilbert

She appears to be one Birkenstock away from a one-woman Woodstock revival.

But she is the first person not overweight on the list. Not having heart disease can be appealing.





 
4.) Book:  The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
     Author:  Stieg Larsson

Stieg is back! Figuratively, of course.

You usually only see such awkward grimacing during certain medical procedures.








5.) Book:  Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything
     Author:  Geneen Roth

It seems a certain someone is naming her books suspiciously like other books higher up on this list to confuse shoppers. Maybe that's why she's so happy.








6.) Book:  Dead in the Family
     Author:  Charlaine Harris

 Admittedly, writing at a computer all day is a sedentary lifestyle.

7.) Book:  The Girl Who Played with Fire
     Author:  Stieg Larrsson

Stieg has resigned himself to his fate.

Worldwide fame and fortune after you die. It sucks.







8.) Book:  Open Leadership: How Social Technology Can Transform the Way You Lead
     Author:  Charlene Li

Winner of the Most Boring Bestselling Book Title, Charlene is a rare double-threat with the most boring photo as well. Fourth grade class photos are more action-packed.







 
9.) Book:  The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella
     Author:  Stephenie Meyer

Sometimes authors start to look like their characters.









10.) Book: The Help
       Author:  Kathryn Stockett

Soccer moms need someone to look up to.










But we here only have eyes for one man, whether he has a bestseller or not.

The one--

The only--

Stephen King = eye candy

When you think of authors/writers, you don't often have the image of "sexy looking." Sure, they might have a sexy brain, a sexy imagination, or a sexy way with words. Yet few writers exist that make people stop and think they're physically sexy.

This is probably why they're writers to begin with. If you're getting by in life on your good looks you're probably not sitting down eight hours a day to write a book. Stephen King isn't going to be asked to model. The only publication he'd be asked to pose for would be American Funeral Director Magazine. (You think I jest. American Funeral Director Magazine does exist. You can find it...here. I don't know about you, but whenever I want a little light reading I know what I'll be kicking back with from now on. Maybe they have a funeral themed soduku puzzle in there, just to keep things lively.)

Of course, this topic annoys people. "Why do writers need to be good looking?? You're shallow!" Simmer down there, Champ. This is just purely conversation. Hey, some people think George Clooney is smart. There are rumors going around that he's good looking, too. So, if actors can be labeled both smart and attractive, why not an author?

Some friends of mine debated this topic, because, yes, we are horribly shallow individuals down deep. No one could conjure up a good looking author off the top of their head. A Google search for "sexy authors" was equally helpful. The very first search result is "Why can't authors be physically sexy?" Apparently this is a popular topic then.

Some people from that search result site suggested the following authors as sexy. (All names are links to photos/wikis of the writer.) Sadly, I think many of those people are afflicted with cataracts.

And the supposedly sexy authors are:

Paul Auster: Ok, so he looks like Gomez Addams from The Addams Family. But I bet he could give Stephen King a run for his money for American Funeral Directors Magazine.

D.H. Lawrence: At the age of 21, Lawrence was baby faced and fresh looking. We writers had potential for an honest-to-god good looking writer to point to. Then by the time he was 40 he looked like he would be holed-up in a Montana shack with a shotgun. So much for that.

Jean Rhys: Generally only two types of photos exist of her for popular opinion: the young ingenue, head cradled in hands, Mona Lisa smile, circa 1915. Or elderly grandma. If sexy can be 80 years old, by all means, we have a winner.

David Foster Wallace: Great if you like the Jesus vibe. Also, Wallace committed suicide, so that's kind of a downer.

Arthur Rimbaud: Fantastic if you like the "robbing the cradle" look. It looks like Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator will be knocking on your door at any moment.

Norman Mailer: He's a popular choice with people as a sexy author from history. Sorry, I can't go with this. He looks like any Florida retiree from Del Boca Vista waiting for The Sizzler to open for the early bird special. You say he was married six times--he had to be hot! I say that was because his wives realized their mistake.

Isabel Allende: Looks like she went to the Danielle Steele school of photography.

Vendela Vida: Poor thing. It would appear she has no facial muscles. She seems incapable of smiling. But if you twist your head upside down and make her perpetual frowns look like she's smiling then it's an improvement.

John Grisham: He'll never get laugh lines with his constant smirking, so that's a plus. I just feel like he knows a secret about me that he isn't telling.

Jhumpa Lahiri: ...annnnnnd she might be our only sure thing.

Oh, who are we kidding. Why deny it and pretend it can't be him?

Stephen King wins. Grr, baby! Grr!