John Grisham is a fan of quotation marks.

While on his first book tour in 25-years to promote his upcoming Camino Island, John Grisham was interviewed by various outlets. During one such interview with a site called Chapter16, Grisham was asked about a character in the new book who has rules for writing. One such rule is characters should always speak in quotation marks.

Such punctuation isn't en vogue amongst the high-minded literary set these days, though, so Chapter16 asked Grisham if his personal views share those with his book's character. Likewise, he was asked whether Cormac McCarthy (who started the trend) should be the only writer allowed to go quotation-less. Said Grisham:

"Cormac should be the only person allowed to do that. I think he started it. He has his own rules for grammar and writing. He’s Cormac. He can get by with that; the rest of us can’t."

Ehhh, I'm not even sure McCarthy gets by with it. His writing is like a lazy 6th-grader who just can't be bothered with his essay's basics because his fingers are covered in Little Debbie snack cake goodness and he's distracted by video games. That's Cormac in a nutshell.

Follow the Swedish money: Apparently betting on the Nobel Prize in Literature is a thing.

If it's been said once, it's been said a thousand times: You're not a degenerate gambler until you play the long odds and throw some cash on Margaret Atwood winning a Nobel.

With the announcement of 2014's Nobel Prizes coming up in October, apparently one can lay some money on the outcome of who the next Laureate in Literature will be. And it's not just a recent phenomenon either. As Alex Donahue, spokesperson for Ladbrokes--the UK's leading gambling site--tells The Guardian, "We've been taking bets for this year from the day of the announcement last year," when Alice Monroe was announced as the Nobel winner.

Favorites to win aren't just randomly assigned odds. As Donahue states, it's all about how the Swedes are betting, as they have their fingers on the pulse of momentum. "It's always worth following the Swedish money and at this stage the one they like is Ngugi wa Thiong'o," said Donahue, referring to the famous Kenyan writer who was arrested in 1976 on orders by the country's vice president for creating uncensored political messages. Ngugi would end up writing one of his future novels, Caitaani mũtharaba-Inĩ (Devil on the Cross), on prison toilet paper while spending a year behind bars.

Ngugi might have momentum with a betting line at 6/1, but he still doesn't have the best odds. Those go to Haruki Murakami at 5/1. Others in the realm of potential include Joyce Carol Oates at 12/1, Philip Roth at 16/1, Thomas Pynchon at 25/1, Don Delillo at 25/1, and Margaret Atwood at 33/1. The likes of Salman Rushdie, Cormac McCarthy, and even that plagiarizing literary sage Bob Dylan bring up the betting odds rear at 50/1.

Dylan's odds, according to Donahue, are based off two bets that came in from Sweden.

Hell, if that's all it takes, I'll find two Swedish guys named Bjorn and Henrik to lay $5 on me and call myself a Nobel contender.

Study: Most men either hate reading or don't read at all.

In a survey commissioned by the Reading Agency of 2,000 British men, 63% admitted they don't read as much as they think they should. One-in-five men reported they found reading difficult or just simply didn't enjoy it.

Similarly, three-quarters of men confess they'd rather watch the movie adaptation of a text than read the book itself, a finding in direct opposition to women, who say in equal numbers that they'd prefer to read the book instead.

This has led newspapers in England to publish articles listing the "10 books to get men reading" and "Five perfect books for men who never read." The Telegraph pushes books on politics, sports, and war, while The Guardian goes heavy on James Joyce, Ernest Hemingway, and Cormac McCarthy.

Yes. When in doubt, go with the stereotype.






There's no issue with the photo, it's just that there is no image on the internet of men reading that doesn't look like the illegitimate lovechild of Abercrombie & Fitch and eHarmony advertisements. So use your imagination. Man, open book, intently reading. Ta-dah! The wonderful world of make believe just happened!

The Friday Poem: Drunken Winter, by Joseph Ceravolo

Every Friday we'll have The Friday Poem. (A capitalized title--and italicized!--so you know it's official and whatnot.) Famous poets, obscure poets, amateur poets, whatever poets--just a poem to end the week.

Like this one:


Drunken Winter, by Joseph Ceravolo

Oak oak! like like
it then
   cold some wild paddle
so sky then;
flea you say
"geese geese" the boy
June of winter
of again
Oak sky





Doesn't Ceravolo look like the lovechild of Matt LeBlanc and Javier Bardem? The crazy serial killer Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men, too--not the frosted tips Javier Bardem in the latest James Bond.

Moby Dick toilet paper.

An anonymous seller on eBay (unless you count his seller's ID of "The_Heppcat" as a legally binding name) is parting with rolls of 2-ply toilet paper in which the entirety of Moby Dick was meticulously typed out. As interest grows, so does the price. Current starting bid: $995.95.

I couldn't spend that sort of coin on Moby Dick TP. My buttocks deserve worse quality. Now, if Cormac McCarthy or Danzy Senna's books could be typed up on some Charmin, I might be interested.




As a side note for interested parties, The_Heppcat notes that he used Cottonelle. Criticial information for discriminating tastes.

All his closest friends called him Kimmy.

Dearly departed dictator, Kim Jong-Il, was a humble man. North Korean television (state controlled propaganda or teenage love diary of Kim?--you decide!) released a list of titles they say foreign dignitaries and leaders bestowed upon the honorable and modest Kim.






According to Harper's Magazine, the various titles include:

• Supreme Commander at the Forefront of the Struggle Against Imperialism and the United States (ed.: So silky smooth off the tongue.)
• Greatest Saint Who Rules with Extensive Magnanimity
• Lode Star of the Twenty-First Century
• Best Leader Who Realized Human Wisdom
• Leader with Extraordinary Personality
• Perfect Picture of Wisdom and Boldness
• Eternal Bosom of Hot Love  (ed: Also my profile handle on eHarmony.)
• Master of Literature, Arts, and Architecture
• World’s Best Ideal Leader with Versatile Talents
• Humankind’s Greatest Musical Genius
• Master of the Computer Who Surprised the World  (ed: Steve Jobs and Kim Jong Il: separated at birth.)
• Man with Encyclopedic Knowledge
• Guardian Deity of the Planet
• Heaven-Sent Hero
• Power Incarnate with Endless Creativity
• Greatest Man Who Ever Lived  (ed: Rivers Cuomo is going to want a cut from that title.)
• Present-day God
• World’s Greatest Writer  (ed: Cormac McCarthy and Maya Angelou are going to be pisssssed.)

Book Review: Caucasia, by Danzy Senna

This is part of the continuing series of random book reviews that'll be nothing like a New York Times book review. Gone is the ten thousand word analysis. Instead, here is a book review like you'd tell your friends.



The book: Danzy Senna's Caucasia.




So Senna writes her own life, fictionalizes 5% of it, adds an addicted retail/consumer/commodification tick to her writing style, all under the guise of racial identity in America--and it's mind-blowing to people.

Put another way, Caucasia's writing style is the illegitimate love child of an 8th grade poetry class and a Walmart commercial.

I've seen better symbolism and metaphorical imagery in the short stories of a 10 year old girl hopped-up on Beiber.










Man, I sound bitter up there, don't I? I mean, don't get me wrong--I hate the book. It somehow makes Cormac McCarthy look decisive by comparison. But my tone comes across a little rough, doesn't it? Do me a favor and read the review to yourself again in a chipper, upbeat tone. Now it sounds like I just hate the book--but with a certain delightfulness, right?

World Book Night: 100 Greatest Books...as selected by you.

Well, not really. More like "selected by you and an undetermined number of other people across the globe [with a decidedly British flavor]."

World Book Night will be held April 23, 2012, to coincide with...umm, well it's going to parallel the, uh, the...um. April 23 is the date when the, uh...

I got nothing. I don't know why the organizers picked that date. Earth Day? Isn't that in late April? Yeah, let's go with that. When you think about the sheer amount of trees that give up their lives every day to become a book, it only makes sense to align yourself with an environmental cause. It's called synergy, folks. It's the Circle of Life! Strike up the Elton John!

At the fork in the road, take a right at the Dora the Explorer message board, drive past the Cormac McCarthy diatribe, and it'll be the first blog on your left.

Time for another check-in on words and phrases people are using on search engines to find The Toolbox. Search terms for today alone are...curious.

And some of today's search terms are (misspellings included):

1.) james joyce    (Hello to all the Joycean snobs!)
2.) vendela vida    (Apparently Jhumpa Lahiri is old news.)
3.) poems of poet craig moreau   (Because you're a masochist...?)
4.) are fsu students nice   (You apparently haven't met me.)
5.) blogger taiwan goes to jail   (Blogger Taiwan sounds like a bad Euro-pop band.)
6.) law school grads can't find jobs   (There's always Chick-fil-A.)
7.) miss usa motor boat sound   (Yes...these are my readers.)

NPR: "3 Memoirs That Won't Make You Slit Your Wrists."

In other words, books not written by Cormac McCarthy?

Except good ol' Cormac didn't write a memoir--least I don't think so--but if he has, I wager it involves creative ways to kill someone and people who weren't loved enough as children.

NPR has a little side show to their website called ThreeBooks--where they pick (wait for it...wait...for...it...) three books with a very loose common theme they think you should read.

But this is NPR after all. NPR = No Personality Really. Their idea of wrist-slitting is probably my idea of a hot read. Don't believe me? Look at the comments by readers of the NPR article who take umbrage over the wrist-slitting headline.

Someone named Tiffany from Jacksonville, FL, says: Wow. The stigma in the headline alone is horrifying. NPR, you're the last source I would have expected something like this from. [You mean that NPR is the last group you'd expect to have a sense of humor? I know!]

Sheila from Michigan: Hmm...that's a pretty insensitive headline. [Indeed, insensitive to the people multitasking with wrist-slitting and reading NPR at the same time.]

Diana from Chicago: Um, dude, that title is extremely inappropriate. Have some class, NPR. [Potentially the only adult woman to use the word "dude" in a serious context in the last fifty years.]

Sleeve Heart from Oregon: "3 Memoirs That Won't Make You Light That Dynamite Cigar" has a little more class. [Just goes to show you that it's nearly impossible to tell the difference between NPR listener rage and their idea of humor.]

James from Unknown Regions: Apparently some have not experienced the trauma associated with losing a loved one in such a manner. While I'm not for censorship, a little sensitivity could go a long way. [Sensitivity is something I don't think the listeners of NPR lack.]

So you want to go to grad school? (Part Four)

Congratulations! You still haven't quit grad school! Don't worry--that overloaded sense of defeat, stress, and lack of confidence is a natural feeling that only a select group of grad students get to experience. Have you cried yet? No? Good! Lack of any discernible human emotion is a sign you're progressing nicely.

Still, advice never hurt. Let's continue with random notes about how to act and talk like a grad student:

Everything Is Interesting!

Did you know that graduate school is the most interesting place in the world? True story. That's because every reply you have to every possible topic of every conversation in every class should start with how interesting you found something.

Are you talking about Shakespeare? "I found it interesting..." Edith Wharton? "I found it interesting..." Cormac McCarthy? "I found it interesting..." The weather, baked goods, cellphone plans, the architecture of downtown Boston, or the intricacies of clipping fingernails--it doesn't matter the topic, you must say it. "I found it interesting..."

Feel like that's a little redundant after awhile? Variations are acceptable. Try these:

What struck me...

What caught my attention...

It was curious to see...

What I found engaging...

What was intriguing...

It was compelling...

You might be thinking to yourself, "But what if I don't find something interesting?" Then it's clear that you're not trying hard enough. Of course it's interesting. It's also compelling, intriguing, and engaging, too. Everyone says so. And if grad school teaches you anything, it's that whatever everyone says is true.

Jane Austen could never have worked on Wheel of Fortune.

People mock Vanna White as just television window dressing. But Vanna White doesn't flub spelling out words, now does she? Sure, the letters light up for her--but has she ever failed to touch those letters correctly and give us a properly spelled word? No. That means tens of bajillion of words (rough estimate) have single-handedly been spelled flawlessly at the hands of Vanna White.

Is she the world's greatest speller? I don't know, but it's possible she's a super computer from which all spellchecks evolve.

The same can't be said for Jane Austen.

Oxford University professor Kathryn Sutherland researched 1,100 pages of hand-written letters by Austen and found that...ehhh...spelling is overrated when you're writing about Mr. Darcy. And don't ask Austen about semi-colons. Her grammar skills were apparently pretty bad, too.

There are various explanations. It was a different era. Rules were different. Maybe she was being casual in her letters. Or, you know, spelling and apostrophes just weren't her thing.

This just reinforces the argument that college students should be allowed to misspell and have pathetic grammar skills. First Shakespeare can't make up his mind on how to spell his own name. Now, Jane Austen doesn't know how to use a comma.

Cormac McCarthy needs to step it up. Just saying.

Know Your State College English Departments Simply Based on Their Website, Part One: Salem State College

State schools are plucky. Massachusetts state colleges are pluckier than most. When you're the (sort of) next door neighbor to the Harvards and M.I.T.s of the world, you need to put your best foot forward to get recognized. It doesn't matter if that foot is wearing busted up Chuck Taylors while the Harvard foot wears Berluti leather loafers. It's all in the presentation. So, in an attempt to learn more about our Massachusetts state college brethren, it's time to examine the English department websites of all state colleges and see what they put out there to the general public for all to learn about them.

First up: Salem State College

The Salem State College English Department main web site grabs your attention with a stylish home page of orange and blue borders, which gives all the allure and intrigue of The Netherlands without having to travel there. Likewise, the main page offers color photography of a professor reading to students. It's a known fact that 75% of all college students don't read the assignment given by a professor, so Salem State's English Department is nothing if not practical with their photography choices.

The Welcome! refers to English majors as "knowledge-workers." What this means exactly isn't defined. I'll try that one the next time I'm in a job interview though. Likewise, right below the Welcome! we're told Salem State's English Department has declared Sarah Orne Jewett as their writer of the year. Considering that Jewett has been dead since 1909, this can't come a moment too soon.

Diving a little deeper, the News and Events page lets us know that...umm...err...well, no event is planned all year. That's okay though, because I'm sure they're just going for a very minimalist vibe, which is all the rage. They're like the Raymond Carver of web pages--cutting things down to just their core.

Salem State's English Department, like all good English Departments, runs a writing center, which they cleverly name The Writing Center. (Again, with the minimalist vibe.) They quote one happy user of The Writing Center, a gentleman named "Senior, Criminal Justice," who has this to say about his experience: "The Center can help all students, even the best of writers." I hope Cormac McCarthy is listening.

When it comes to their English Department In the Community...yeeeaah, about that. It's probably best if we skip that.

The real bread and butter of Salem State's English Department comes through with their Red Skies page. It's kind of like FSC's little Toolbox blog here, except with 50% more romantic title page photography, and 100% less blog-y sarcasm. Look at that photo. It almost inspires someone to spontaneously burst out into some Christopher Cross songs.

Ahh, that does the trick.

Red Skies isn't entirely run by the English majors at the college. Math and International Business majors apparently work on it, too, which is smart thinking on Salem State's part. It shows we English majors aren't an elitist bunch. Okay, so, sure, we are an elitist bunch, but it's good to be friendly to others. If anything, Red Skies actually has a pulse, and a steady one at that. It posts news-y type stories around campus, while also publishing poetry and creative writing pieces from those with the Salem State College community--AND lets you know about some local establishments in the Salem, MA, area you should check out. It's like a Zagat Guide, except it's actually readable. We would do that for Fitchburg, but all we have is McDonald's. Red Skies is also willing to post letters emailed in, except they "reserve the right to edit all letters for length, spelling, and usage." That's a mistake if you ask me. If some random person writes an angry letter full of typos, you should publish it all in its mildly illiterate glory. It only promotes the need for an English Department more.

So, here's to you, Salem State College English Department. Your Red Skies shall forever be the Toolbox's sibling. May your own Chuck Taylors never trip you up.

Now, get going on the Sarah Orne Jewett party. No rush though. She'll still be dead for another hundred years most likely.

Cash isn't something your grandmother stuffs in her mattress any longer.

If you're a writer and you're creating a story with characters that you might want to name at some point ((cough/hint-Cormac McCarthy-hint/cough)), there's a chance you might stumble over what to actually name them.

Bob? Mike? Tom? All are as exciting as as a paper clip.

Mary? Susan? Kathy? Crackling with as much energy as monastic chanting.

Maybe you just want a name that fits with the future, something that won't be as dated as naming a character Sinclair or Bertha. Well, you're in luck. Pamela Redmond Satran and Linda Rosencrantz have a lot of time on their hands, and they like predicting which names will be popular ten years from now.

Do you have a female character? Do you want her to have a snappy name that shows you have your fingers on the pulse of the year 2020? Well, no need to call Miss Cleo and pay $3.99 a minute. Here are the top female names for a decade from now:

1.) Ava
2.) Amelia
3.) Ella

4.) Violet

5.) Lila

6.) Grace

7.) Ruby

8.) Matilda

9.) Harper

10.) Evelyn

When I think Ava, I think Ava Gardner. (Google her if you're under the age of 80.) Amelia? Amelia Earhart. Ella? Ella Fitzgerald. Those names are too entrenched with someone famous, for good or bad, that a fictional character will get lost being named that. It's like naming a character Adolf.

As for male names of the future, according to this report:
1.) Ethan
2.) Aiden
3.) Milo
4.) Charlie
5.) Oscar
6.) Ryder
7.) Cash
8.) River
9.) Kai
10.) Maximus

According to the site, "Parents like the upbeat, energetic, O-ending" of the name Milo. Ri-i-ight. My grandmother once named her dog Hobo. Would parents like that energetic, O-ending then, too? Milo isn't happening as a character's name unless that character is a kid in a school yard getting beaten up for his lunch money. I grew up watching the children's movie Milo & Otis, which was about an orange cat, named Milo, and a pug, named Otis, who are a sassy duo that get lost in the great outdoors. I can't name a character after an orange cat with bad directional issues.

As for the name Cash, the site says "The failed credit economy has lasting impact on baby names." Damn, I was just going to name a character of mine Visa, and now this happens.

When it comes to the name Kai, the site says it is a "winning combination of the gentle and exotic," with roots in everything from the Japanese to Nordic culture. Well, if you have a character who has Japanese parents who is currently a private investigator in Oslo, it sounds to me like you've got a winner.

Lastly there is River. The site says male names influenced by the environment are spiking and could be all the rage a decade from now. This includes Ocean, Birch, Cedar, Pine, Oak, Sage, Sky, Hawk, Trout, Wolf, and Fox. That's right, ladies. Ten years from now the main character of your romance novel is going to be named Trout. And, let me tell you, he's going to be dreamy with a name like that.

Book Review: The Road, by Cormac McCarthy

This will be the first of random book reviews that'll be nothing like a New York Times book review. Gone is the ten thousand word analysis. Instead, here is a book review like you'd tell your friends.

First up: Cormac McCarthy's The Road.

Review:

Really? Really now? I just read 280 pages for that? People walking in an ashtray of life? Thanks for the ambiguity. I loved how you left everything wide open and couldn't make a hard decision in the book, Cormac. My grandmother would've called you indecisive and then slapped you off the back of the head. Seriously, next time try to make up your mind and decide on something. No character names...no development...no plot details...no explanations. No problem, I guess. Since you didn't decide on anything, Cormac, you didn't have to worry about writing much of a story.

Here's the entire story in amazing, pin-point detail: A father and son walk in a world of ashes. Pop is pissy. Son is sweet. Pop gets a cough and dies. Son goes off with another man and keeps walking. The end.

With all the ashes in the story the book was as much an anti-smoking advertisement than a book. Joe Camel is probably more disappointed than I am. The Marlboro Man is probably weeping an emphasematic cry of sadness, too. And so am I, and I don't even smoke.