Google's AI loves romance novels, post-modernist poetry, and potentially murder.

Whisper sweet nothings to me...

Like many tech organizations, Google is working on artificial intelligence (AI). And like any good science fiction movie, the AI developed so far is cold, calculating, and incapable of showing much human emotion. Kind of like your ex-significant other.

Google wanted to change this. The Brain Team made their AI read 2,865 romance novels in hopes it would develop a more sensible diction to its tone of voice--or at least an appreciation for book covers with bare chested men. Next, the team then gave the AI two short sentences, one beginning, one end, and asked its computer child to complete the story and concept in fewer than thirteen of its own sentences.

What we get is poetry that even Walt Whitman pauses over.

Take this poem:


there is no one else in the world.
there is no one else in sight.
they were the only ones who mattered.
they were the only ones left.
he had to be with me.
she had to be with him.
i had to do this.
i wanted to kill him.
i started to cry.
i turned to him.


It's always a good laugh whenever AI casually writes the sentence "I wanted to kill him." As if every dystopian nightmare just didn't become a little more possible. This is The Matrix without Keanu Reeve's stilted delivery.

Then there's this nugget:


he was silent for a long moment.
he was silent for a moment.
it was quiet for a moment.
it was dark and cold.
there was a pause.
it was my turn.


This is after it read romance books, too! Imagine what vivid little love chestnuts might have come out if the AI read horror stories, war epics, or anything involving Twilight.

Google says they're still in the early stages of creating a natural speech pattern for its AI, although it's doubtful homicidal computers ever need to have casual conversational skills.

Nothing says "passionate romance novel" like the horrors of World War One/Two

Do you get lost in book stores easily? Have you looked for Victor Hugo in the romance section, only to be disappointed to find out Barnes & Noble considers his work to be lacking in the shirt-ripping, scintillating appeal of your average romance novel?

Then Target has heard you pleas. No longer shall you literary choices be dictated by the bias and discrimination of employees with "standards." As these photos will show, Target defines some great classics to be one Fabio pose away from a romantic tour-de-force.

1.) I'm not sure--but the caged bird might be singing because it's catching an eyeful of the penniless beauty and her boss meeting up after work.

2.) It's all quiet because the boss is working overtime.

3.) Yeeeeah. A few things wrong with this picture:

a.) A book about things being set on fire (including a human caricature set on fire on the cover) beside a book dealing with the Holocaust.

b.) Did I mention the Holocaust yet?...

c.) Because the book about the Holocaust is sitting right near the Greek Tycoon's Achilles Heel--a book about the terror and trials of dealing with a severe limp.

Little known fact though: Harlequin novels are so hot, they catch fire before they reach 451 degrees.

Is that gunfire? Or is it Michael Buble's music that I hear?

Clearly, it goes without saying that Saskatoon is the first thing many people think of when white-hot romance comes to mind, especially in book form. Montreal? Vancouver? Quebec City? That's only if you want puppy love. If you want the scorching, ripped-shirt romance of a Fabio book cover, you need to look to Saskatoon.

According to Canadian newspaper, The Globe and Mail, Saskatoon is the most romantic Canadian city. This is based off an Amazon.ca poll/study/rib-tickler that says Saskatoon is the biggest buyer of romance novels, romantic comedy DVDs, and Michael Buble CDs. And, really, why would you want to count any other musical act besides Michael Buble? You can't doubt the sheer animal magnetism that is Michael Buble's music. His CDs are quite possibly responsible for 25% of all new births that occur within Saskatoon city limits.

For you ignorant Americans who forget Canada isn't the 51st state of the United States, Saskatoon is the equivalent of Nebraska, if Nebraska had a jones for unbridled violence. That's right, Saskatoon is also known as being Canada's most violent metropolis, too. (Put another way: Saskatoon is Baltimore, without the crab cakes.) That makes perfect sense with Saskatoon's new found Lothario status. When you're a lover, you're breaking hearts every day. Heartache leads to irrational acts of violence. Really, if Saskatoon wants to lower its murder rate, it very well might need to ban Michael Buble's music.

As a side note, Windsor, Ontario, ranked as the least romantic Canadian city. I object to this. I've been to Windsor on many occasions, and I can report the auto factories and smoke stacks churning out cars across the river from Detroit do nothing but fill me full of romance. Or carcinogens. It could be carcinogens I'm feeling. It's hard to tell sometimes.

But is Fabio posing on the cover?

Beth Gannon has a problem. It seems she likes writing smutty romance novels in her spare time. Sadly, that's not her problem.

The problem is that Beth is a principal in the Lawrence, MA, school system, and she thought it'd be a good idea to bring her self-published novel to school with her and ask fellow teachers to buy the book. Now, according to whoever you believe, this is where the story gets murky.

A math teacher named Peggy Lynch apparently balked at buying the book. Peggy says that because she refused to buy the "smut" she was assigned after school detention duty. Apparently detention duty is the equivalent of the 7th level of hell, and Peggy feels like she was being singled out. The principal, Beth Gannon, says that's not the case. (Read all about it...here.)

Of course, the problem doesn't end there. No. The book apparently has graphic sex scenes, drug and alcohol use, and suicide. In other words, it's like a Jodi Picoult book, minus the fanatical book club following. And since this is a school, parents are up in arms that their beloved children are reading light porn while eating PB&J at lunch. Likewise, teachers are offended at the vulgarity on display in the book and their being forced to read it, especially math teacher Peggy Lynch. As a result, poor Beth is on paid administrative leave, and is probably going to lose her job.

Listen folks, let your friend Paddy help you all out and be the voice of reason here. Beth's only crime is a lack of imagination. She hasn't written anything that a Harlequin novel hasn't rehashed a couple hundred times at this point. She should be punished for apparently channeling Jodi Picoult's shoddy writing skills and forcing more over-the-top ridiculousness on the reading public. And do you know what the real crime is? Beth Gannon was charging $13.95 for each paerback book. $13.95! For paperback! What in the world is it coming with? A 24k gold leaf cover and winning lotto numbers?

As for the math teacher...we all know math teachers don't read books. That's why they work with numbers. It's scientific fact.

But despite all that, Beth Gannon's crime is definitely not having a book with sex, drugs, and rock & roll in a school, and any parent flustered over this needs to stop watching too many episodes of "To Catch a Predator" on Dateline. Trust me folks, little Bobby and little Suzie at school aren't kicking back at recess reading about bare-chested lotharios with flowing hair getting it on with buxom women. Kids will barely read a comic book these days, never mind an overpriced book their principal wrote. When I was in grade school my principal would've needed to pay me $13.95 and given me a back rub to get me to read anything she published.

Teachers, of course, are saying the issue is that they felt threatened--that they HAD to buy the book. Except, oddly enough, no teacher is complaining about buying the book so much as they're complaining about the raunchy tone of the book. Come on now, we all know if this book was called "The Care Bears Dance on Rainbows" then no teacher would have complained about it. The issue here doesn't seem so much to be about buying a book (how come these same teachers don't complain about buying Girl Scout cookies?), so much as they're uncomfortable about the book's topic.

And what if the kiddos did stumble on Beth's book, as entirely unlikely as it would be? (Are kids going to be crawling through the air ducts at the school so they can shimmy into the teacher's lounge and get a glance at the eye candy on the cover?) What's the worry? If parents do their job and actually raise their children correctly, then the kids will know between a poorly written book and reality. And are we to assume none of these parents have second rate Nora Roberts books on their nightstands their kids could catch a glimpse of?

In the end, Beth Gannon will probably lose her job as a principal. But let me tell you, she's going to make a fortune writing smutty romance books. Jackie Collins can't live forever.