"Not favorable"? What--am I dealing with Roger Ebert here?

I've posted a few accounts of the easy (or difficult), simple (or tortuous), and cheap (haha..ha......ha) grad school application process.

Now, the letters of acceptance/rejection have arrived from various schools.

But let's not be weepy on the rejections. Life's too short. Alas, it's not short enough to write a blog entry about it.

First up: Boston University!

Rejection letter: In five sentences, someone named Rebekah Alexander whispers sweet nothings to me. And by sweet nothings I mean she says "nothing" is offered by BU in as sweet a way as possible.

Here is her entire letter in full, with my notes in the parentheses:

Dear Mr. Cuff: (a colon instead of a comma is never a good sign)

The Committee on Admissions has carefully reviewed (thank God--I was worried they'd be nonchalant about it) your application for admission to the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences. I am sorry to inform you (sounds like I'm getting medical tests back) that your application has not been approved. (Rejected. "Rejected"--it's okay to say the word. Otherwise it sounds like I've been denied a credit card.)

The number of people we can admit each year for graduate study is quite limited. (Limited amounts of actual people? But thanks to Twilight, vampire admissions are at an all-time high.) Unfortunately (she seems really broken up about this), because of intense competition (alright, I get it, I'll slip you a $20), we must in many instances deny admission (reject--it's okay to say the word, really) even to highly qualified candidates. (Might I change your mind if I told you I was only moderately qualified? It's worked for former presidents of the United States.)

We appreciate your interest in Boston University (and to think, I would have bought you dinner) and regret (hey, no regrets--just go ahead and accept me and we'll pretend this letter didn't happen) that the decision on your application was not favorable.

("...was a huge thumbs down.")
("...was changed from favorable to not favorable after Charles Schwab said your stock price was overinflated.")
("...was runny and lacked a touch of sea salt and oregano.")
("...was, gotta say, not too pleasant.")
("...was a little less than enthusiastic because Dancing with the Stars came on the tv in the office and we all got a little distracted.")
("...was favorable, but then we realized your application was stuck to some guy's from a private school. So, we made sure to accept him, and then we sent you this lovely letter.")

Sincerely, (well, at least they're sincere in their rejection)
Rebekah Alexander

She did actually sign it. Or at least had some assistant fake it. So, that's a personal touch. I do appreciate that.

Really now, did Boston University get sued by a disgruntled former applicant because they once used the word "rejected"? It's okay, BU--you can use the word. I'm a big boy. More than that, I'm an English major. My brain kind of works like a thesaurus, so I sort of notice when you're beating around the bush using euphemisms.

Now, Boston University, here's some basic advice for future rejections to grad school applicants:

1.) Use the word "rejection."

2.) Can't use the word "rejection"? Why not sass the letter up? See, not all applicants you reject will be as jovial as me. So, why not be creative. Try these various words in a variety of ways when rejecting people:

rebuffed        (for white collar applicants)

abandoned    (like a puppy!)

denied           (sounds like a verbal slap)

dropped        (for people who work for Verizon Wireless or AT&T)

forsaken       (for the religious applicants)

jilted             (sort of like a blushing bride)

refused         (kind of like a parent telling a child no)

shunned        (for any lepers that might apply)

disown          (to be used when BU undergrad applicants apply)

renounce      (for when your own children apply)

cast aside     (when you want to put a little visual action into your rejection letters)

discarded     (don't use when Earthy, recycling-types apply)

eliminated    (for when the Terminator applies)

As a side note, they CCed the letter to the English Department, as apparently the English Department can't be bothered. Really--that's like asking out someone to the prom, and then having their parents call you to say no. 

Thankfully, I didn't rent a limo or a tux just yet. It's their loss, though. I look pretty good in a bow-tie.