Judge for the National Book Awards describes process as first-world torture.

Showing how flimsy the judging process is, Charles McGrath describes in the New York Times combing over 407 National Book Award nominees as a modern day torture fest:

"It's not humanly possible for an individual, no matter how well intentioned, well disciplined and critically astute, to read 407 books with the care and consideration they deserve. ... So you do the best you can. You don't skim exactly, but you race, driving your eyes across the page, in the process forgoing much of the ordinary pleasure of reading. I sometimes thought of it as chain-sawing through books, tearing into them, grinding them up, leaving a wake of fluttering pages and bits of binding. Maybe that's why my retina ripped."

By the way, James McBride won the 2013 National Book Award for fiction.

Stephenie Meyer hasn't read 'Fifty Shades of Grey'...thinks fan fiction is sad.

Despite that Fifty Shades of Grey was born as fan fiction in honor of Twilight, Twilight's creator Stephenie Meyer told Access Hollywood that she hasn't read EL James's BDSM saga.

"No, it's really not my kind of book--not my thing," Meyer told the TV show, subtly letting you know not to invite her to your next sex toy party. "But, you know, anytime somebody is out there being creative, that's great," she added like a glad-handing politician.

If you think Meyer doesn't appreciate that a fan of her poorly written books can create their own poorly written fiction, too--well, uh, you'd be right.

"I mean, I have read some fan fiction years ago and I found it really, like, kind of cool," Meyer said, mastering the backhanded compliment. "These people had these stories. I felt it was a little bit sad that they were doing them in a way where [the stories] weren't theirs, but I feel like all those people, they're practicing and they're going to write their book, it's going to come out of them eventually." After a slight pause, Meyer added, "Because they're writers."

Right on, Meyer! These people and their stories that aren't really their own creation. I mean, vampires? No one has ever written about these creatures of the night before--but you blazed a trail there and created blood sucking characters out of the depths of your imagination. And werewolves! Can't forget the werewolf angle! Men who turn into gigantic wolves? You could have had these guys turn into gigantic pigs or llamas, but you said, "No, no--I'm going completely original here: wolves." I'm not sure there has ever been a story like that in history. Not until you came up with such originality, Meyer!

And that thing you did with one woman being in love with two men--I'm not sure such a romantic scenario has ever been portrayed in entertainment history. What do we even call it? Three sides to romance--a sexy triangle? A hubba-hubba triangle? Maybe a love triangle?

Hey! A love triangle! That's fresh. Love triangle. Better trademark that before some other jamoke fan copies you.





photo: WireImage, via EW.com

Newsweek and The Daily Beast rank colleges on important factors.

You know, the things parents worry about when sending their kids off to school. Like...

25 Most Beautiful Schools (both campus and student body beauty)

25 Best Schools for Campus Food

25 Best Schools for Wannabe CEOs

25 Most Artistic Schools

25 Best Party Schools

25 Horniest Schools

Go ahead. I know you're going to click on that last one. No sense in trying to pretend otherwise.

Old Navy is confused about grammar, decides apostrophe is overrated.

Old Navy has a licensing agreement with 70 colleges and universities, generally to emblazon the school logo on a paper thin t-shirt that'll last 10 rounds in the wash before it needs to be replaced.

To save time, Old Navy washed out the apostrophe on all their t-shirts. Someone in the t-shirt design department apparently missed class in second grade when we all learned how apostrophes work.

I know, I know. Do I want to be that guy mocking someone for not using an apostrophe correctly?

Yes...yes, I do.

Quibble No. 4: Self-obsessed books

See this paperback book? (((finger points upward)))

The one with two blurbs on the front cover from The New York Times and Newsweek about how "haunting" and "impressive" the book is?

That same book has five more blurbs on the back cover hyperextending a shoulder joint congratulating itself. Four lines are also devoted on the back to various awards won.

There are also twenty-four (twenty-four--24!!--for emphasis) rave reviews published on the immediate pages inside the book, everything from Kirkus Reviews to fellow authors.

You know what's not mentioned? Not on the front, the back, or the inside?

A description of the book.

Keep looking. It's not there. I'll wait if you want to check.

Which makes me wonder: Do people only buy books based on the number of self-obsessed reviews it has, and not whether they might like it themselves?

Because why read a book you like when you can just have others tell you what to like?



Before you ask: I had to read the book for work. Otherwise, I'd have refused simply on the grounds of the book's narcissism and inability to share its feelings. It's like going on a blind date with someone who lets all their friends tell you how great they are--but you never hear it from them. They just make you buy dinner.

J.D. Salinger: 1919 - 2010

Noted writer and frequent New England hermit, J.D. Salinger, died yesterday at the age of 91. Popularly known for his novel The Catcher in the Rye, Salinger later became equally famous for his ability to avoid the public eye for the last thirty years of his life.

I don't know what kind of royalties he was pulling in for Catcher in the Rye, but it had to be pretty good, since he didn't publish another piece of writing from 1965 onward. Admittedly, I'm not the biggest fan of The Catcher in the Rye. I'll even say I think it's the most overrated popular book in modern American history. Still, you've got to credit a guy who somehow creates a cult following off scant artistic material.

Why, just look at the over-hype going on since his death. Here is a sample of over-the-top praise for Salinger because he wrote...umm...well...one published novel. It's to be expected. We live in a world of extreme, of the "greatest" and the "best" and the "worst." No one is middle of the pack anymore. As a writer this much can be said: Salinger could write well. Whether it was the greatest or best, well, that can be debated.

So, here's to you, J.D. Salinger! You were the greatest and best and most amazing 20th century writer who would later become a recluse! Thanks for memories. You will be missed.

I loved reruns of "Name That Tune" as a kid.

Let's play a little game of "Guess Who?" I'll write down some song lyrics, and you can guess what really horrible song writer wrote them.

The first lyrics are:
If I ever lose her I will go insane.
I go half crazy when she calls my name.
When she says babababababy I-I-I love you
There ain't nothing in the world I wouldn't do.

The same writer wrote this following little ditty:
If not for you
Babe, I couldn't find the door,
Couldn't even see the floor,
I'd be sad and blue
If not for you.

I know what you're thinking. Lindsay Lohan lyrics are as painful to read as they are to listen to. Except these lyrics aren't Lindsay Lohan song lyrics. Or Britney Spears. Or any modern pop singer. Nope.

They're Bob Dylan lyrics.

Maybe the reason Bob Dylan mumbles all the time is so people will always think he's a genius at writing. The mumble method can really be beneficial. Once, when I took a computer class, we were allowed to work in groups for a project. Each student had to fill out an individual worksheet, but you were all allowed to write an identical answer as the rest of your group mates. One kid in my group had chicken scratch for handwriting (the written version of mumbling) and received a 100 for a grade. My handwriting was entirely legible, and I received a 90. We wrote the exact same thing.

This is pretty much how Bob Dylan gets by in life. I don't know a single "expert" in the field of music who doesn't call Dylan a master at writing. Maybe the problem is that these are music experts and not writing experts? Take away the melody, the harmony, the music and he becomes a mumbling man who you'd cross the street to avoid if you saw him walking in Boston. Maybe packaging is all that matters. The scruffy look, the frazzled hair, the sheer inability to smile--it all makes Bob look like some starving artist, so he earns "cred, baby."

In a way, packaging is no different than what the Pussycat Dolls get by on. They can't sing, just like Bobby can't sing. They can't write lyrics, just like Bobby can't write lyrics. They're pre-packaged to make people enjoy them, like a Lean Cuisine frozen dinner. And because people enjoy the packaging of Bob, we're told he's good. (Maybe not quite Lean Cuisine for him. Bob seems more like a Hungry Jack frozen dinner.)

Here's one last gem from Bob:

I don't think I want this anymore
As she drops the ring to the floor.
She says to herself: 'You've left before.'
This time you will stay gone, that's for sure.

Awww, sorry. That's a Pussycat Dolls' lyric. I get them confused a lot with Bob Dylan these days.