John Grisham is a fan of quotation marks.

While on his first book tour in 25-years to promote his upcoming Camino Island, John Grisham was interviewed by various outlets. During one such interview with a site called Chapter16, Grisham was asked about a character in the new book who has rules for writing. One such rule is characters should always speak in quotation marks.

Such punctuation isn't en vogue amongst the high-minded literary set these days, though, so Chapter16 asked Grisham if his personal views share those with his book's character. Likewise, he was asked whether Cormac McCarthy (who started the trend) should be the only writer allowed to go quotation-less. Said Grisham:

"Cormac should be the only person allowed to do that. I think he started it. He has his own rules for grammar and writing. He’s Cormac. He can get by with that; the rest of us can’t."

Ehhh, I'm not even sure McCarthy gets by with it. His writing is like a lazy 6th-grader who just can't be bothered with his essay's basics because his fingers are covered in Little Debbie snack cake goodness and he's distracted by video games. That's Cormac in a nutshell.

Well, that's one way to woo a voting constituency...

How can you further annoy a voting constituency that you're already offending? By finding subtle ways to butcher their language!

Case in point:

RNC botches grammar on Spanish sign claiming Hispanics support Trump: https://t.co/tpUZ9xfvBa pic.twitter.com/5nEpx2y9A9

— The Hill (@thehill) July 22, 2016

The issue is two-fold. It's not "para" but "por" they want to have that sign say. They also forgot to translate "Hispanics" into "Hispanos." This would take two seconds on Google Translate to figure out--but, admittedly, we've all been burned by an online translator at some point.

The Huffington Post dove deeper and asked New York University lecturer Félix Manuel Burgos, who who holds a Ph.D in Hispanic Linguistics, to really get at the specifics:


If you want to express support for someone with your vote, it should be “por.” That is the preposition that goes with the verb “votar.”

“Para” doesn’t make sense in that context, unless you work for him, that is the preposition that goes with “trabajar.” ... [But] actually the best option would have been “con,” that expresses general support. “Latinos con Trump.” But I don’t think they will print many of those signs. 


Subtle digs are the best digs.

Pretty much no one in your everyday life knows how to write.

Are you an elitist English snob? Do you go to the grocery store and shake a fist of fury at the express lane stating 12 Items or Less? Do you spit in disgust at the sight of repeated misspellings? Do you privately wear tweed and a monocle and wish you had a British accent?

Your great fashion sense aside, the following photos make up the first of multiple posts about the adventures of everyday life and the dumpster fire that is the English language that surrounds us.

Because everyone really needs an editor in their life.

What's been defaced here is common sense.

This hot mess includes an ellipsis for no apparent reason. Such drama! Don't tell me how it ends!
And clearly Cott Corporation has some hatred toward determiners and prepositions.

---------------------------

You know what's suspicious? Randomly capitalized words.

Maybe that giant eye should keep a look out for that.

-----------------------------

The Virgin Mary not only needs a pair of shoes, she also needs an apostrophe, too.

-----------------------------

Fewer, Arnold. Not less.

It's sort of like how you have fewer major championships than Jack Nicklaus, not less.

------------------------

It's never optional to throw in a hyphen on a whim.

--------------------------

Did you know that a hyphen is not the same as an em dash? And that periods are sort of non-negotiable?

Also--why? Why would anyone play 1,080 hours of underwater Monopoly?

Most everyone who replies to Craigslist ads is a cunning literary master.

I recently looked to downsize in life, like any wannabe writer who wants the wind at their back, a view of far away worlds, exotic marketplaces where danger and intrigue could be around any corner, or...ehhh, kind of like I can't believe I have this crap filling a closet.

So I looked to ditch some of my old electronics--a couple laptops, printers, a desktop, a television--all from my college years and running on dust, much like me. Craigslist seemed quickest--and a jaunty little ad was placed by me.

My thoughts are added just now in brackets below, but these are some of the responses, all verbatim in structure and grammar and spacing, to...

Free television, desktop, two laptops, and two printers

1.) Rosendo:

I pick up
Please
Let me know

[Haiku responses is a rarely used approach.]


2.) Jess:

Hi i'm interested can i pick up tomorrow after 12 please?

[Everyone is so polite! And lacking a basic English education! But Mama raised 'em right!]


3.) Maria:

Would appreciate laptop and printer

[I'd appreciate a period.]


4.) Jane O:

Hello, I'm responding to an ad you have on Craig's list. Says you have 2 laptops if  is still available and works fine i'll be glad to take them both. I live close by.

Let me know. thanks I will be able to pick them up what ever time works for you. most likely tomorrow since is a little late now.

Thanks,
Jane

[We all admit that when "Craigslist" becomes "Craig's list" things become a little creepier, no?]


5.) Anonymous:

I am interested in he laptop and such, can you please give me an address where I can pick them up?

[Admittedly, I usually assign genders only to my larger appliances, like refrigerators.]


6.) Joseph:

When are these available for pick up?

[I kindly offered him a time range, when, suddenly, a man named George contacts me through the same email address...:]

George:

if u still got the laptops  please text me at...

[Whoa-whoa-whoa, George is muscling in!!!  Listen, keep your brotherly laptop lust issues between yourselves.]


7.) Donald:

I'm very interested for the items

[Sorry, Donald--I only give away free gifts like Bob Barker if they're exceptionally interested. Nonetheless, I emailed Donald and told him the laptops are gone. So Donald replied...]

Donald:

Really wanted the laptop cause I repairs them but it's ok I'm all set thanks

[Donald, I think we need a good look in the mirror and to ask the question hanging heavy here: How interested were you at all?]


8.) Kathy:

Can I have these please the 2 laptop and printers

[True story: I actually was away from the computer for two minutes, hadn't seen her first email, when she follows up...]

Kathy:

Please can I have  thesecwa mm t to take a course to fix computer and phone will come in handy please and the printers please

[Good lord, did Kathy just have a stroke mid-email while waiting? Is she okay? What happened there? KATHY, ARE YOU ALIVE?!?]


9.) Linda:

Hi my name is Linda I could pick up everything you got there but the TV the TV is the one thing that I don't need how ever I can pick up everything else tomorrow morning after traffic hour [phone number deleted] call text or email me if they're still available

[Why does this email sound like it should be read in a smoky voice? Like some private detective met some dame at a gin joint where they share a cigarette?]


10.) R S:

hi, i am interested in the two laptops. I can pick them tomorrow afternoon. Pl. confirm. thanks

[Were you running out of steam there, buddy? I didn't know "Pl." was a universally accepted abbreviation for please. I thought that was puppy dog eyes and a pouty lip.]


11.) Kader:

Hi!

May I have the HP laptop and HP printer?

Thanks!

KAM.

[BAM!!!]


12.) Classie Trashie:

Interested in computer stuff

[She had me at Classie. But romance blossomed at Trashie.]

The first known printed use of an ellipsis has been discovered.

Three little dots. Three little points of punctuation that trail off or trail in, leaving conversation in limbo or joining the chat midway.

But when did it first appear in print?

While personal handwritten letters are known to show an ellipsis by 1580 and 1585, Dr. Anne Toner of Cambridge University believes she has found the first-ever printed use of an ellipsis. It appears in the form of repetitive hyphens (instead of dots) in the Roman dramatist Terence’s play, Andria, which was translated into English for a British audience by famed translator Maurice Kyffin in 1588.

Toner's new book, Ellipsis in English Literature: Signs of Omission, dives into the history of punctuation that allows writers to create dramatic tension through grammatical vagueness.

As Toner writes, "It’s interesting to think about whose idea it was to use what turned out to be a very useful resource...was it the translator of the Terence play, or the printer? Who the agent was behind the mark is very unclear."

Apparently it's not Terence, who isn't known for much in literary history, and now he can't even claim the ellipsis. Poor guy just can't win.

Bad grammar can sink your profile on dating sites.

According to a story in The Wall Street Journal, a study by the dating site Match shows that after personal hygiene, someone's grammar--be it spoken or written--is the most important factor in determining whether an individual is interested in dating someone else.

"The survey found 88% of women and 75% of men said they cared about grammar most," reports the Journal, "putting it ahead of a person’s confidence and teeth."

Now, now, let's not get crazy here. Over teeth?

Katy von Kühn, who received over 300 messages to her online dating profile, says that her then-future husband's email stood out because of his grammar.

"It showed he was intelligent and trying to make a good first impression," von Kühn told the Journal. "He didn’t even have to say anything that thoughtful."

Damn right. I know the last thing I want in my life is someone thoughtful. But can you use an adverb correctly? Now we're talking marriage material.

Joel Simkhai, CEO of gay dating-app Grindr, has a different take, telling the Journal, "It’s the visual. I don’t think anybody reads these things. [...] If you’re hot and attractive to the other person, you’ll meet them. Grammar? Are you kidding?"

Teeth are kind of important.

Tom Brady deposition proves that billionaires and millionaires don't understand basic grammar and/or spelling.

Tom Brady gives an example of how little grammar people know.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has been in a bit of a brouhaha for the past 8 months over allegations that he, or those associated with him, deflated footballs, which is against NFL regulations.

If you don't know this already, buy a television.

This week, as part of an opening of information from all parties involved in the court case, Tom Brady's emails were released--which shows that millionaires and billionaires somehow are incapable of writing even remotely acceptable sentences, as the website Deadspin notes.

Let's go to the highlights!!

--------------

Whoopsie Number 1:

From: “Kraft, Robert”
Date: February 10, 2015 at 6:30:55 PM EST
To: Tom Brady
Subject: Re: Balance Starement 12.27.14-1.19.15

Tommy I will cover this as I never want misunderstanding between us I’m sorry if this is happened

We will have a chance to talk about the coming year after you talk to Bill and make sure we have a clear understanding

Much love

Robert

First, we have Brady apparently creating a subject line including the very rare balance "starement"--where one apparently creates a credit or debit based on how long they can out-stare you.

Robert Kraft, owner of the Patriots, replies with a complete lack of knowledge that periods and commas exist. Those pesky, little, dot-like thingmajigs!

--------------------


Whoopsie Number 2:

From: Tom Brady
To: J.J. Dudum
Sent: January 21, 2015 6:18:25 PM PST

We are the patriots everything is a big deal >


Proper nouns can be tricky vixens! And apparently the Patriots (proper noun) are such a big deal, they're worthy of a comparison (>) without being compared to everything else.

Or Tom Brady is very meta.

--------------------


Whoopsie Number 3:

From: Tom Brady 
To: Eisen, Rich 
Sent: December 30, 2014 3:53:53 AM PST 
Received: December 30, 2014 3:53:53 AM PST 
RE: We got our man

Yeah its a great day for the wolverines. Go blue

Good lord, it looks like Brady is trying to hit all of the grammar snafus at once in two brief sentences. No proper nouns, no commas, no period at the end. This isn't a competition for ineptitude, my friend.


------------------


Whoopsie Number 4:

(On scoring clothes from designer Tom Ford)

On Oct 18, 2014, at 5:19 PM, “Tom Brady” wrote:

>hi tania…i hope you are doing well and enjoying your fall. i was wondering if there was anything new to show me or any updates on the polos with the rugby fabric. also do you have any of the black sneakers in the high top in my size or any suit fabrics? thanks Tania


Tom loves him some anti-capitalization and some sweet Polos with the rugby fabric. And when I think sneakers, I think of Tom Ford...for the arch support.

Also, what's with the addiction to the > symbol? It's like a poor man's Pac-Man showing up randomly in his emails.


------------------


Whoopsie Number 5:

(Billionaire owner of the NHL's Vancouver Canucks emails Brady...)

On Feb 22, 2015, at 8:45 PM, Francesco Aquilini wrote:

Just so you know who is coming tomorrow They all know to keep our meeting very confidential, not to discuss it with anyone. See you tomorrow

When you're a billionaire, I guess periods aren't required, or terribly coherent sentences. "Just so you know who is coming tomorrow"? I don't know, Jesus Christ and Superman? You tell me, pal. This was an email regarding a meeting over sports training, but Aquilini makes it sound like a nuclear weapons negotiation.

Also, don't we all kind of wish we were named Francesco Aquilini?

Baseball geeks are becoming grammar geeks.

This weekend, the National Baseball Hall of Fame held its latest induction ceremony. All inductees receive a plaque with their likeness offering a synopsis of their career, highlights, the usual.

It's in that synopsis that now has baseball geeks turning into grammar and punctuation geeks.

Case in point, pitcher Greg Maddux, one of the greatest pitchers of his generation and a dominant force throughout the 1990s, with a plaque that would cause an English major a coronary:

"Less" instead of "fewer"? And why such disdain for the Oxford comma? Are the hyphens warranted?

The readers of the sports site Deadspin have taken to the comments section debating the merits of everything English, including idiomatic language, sentence fragments, AP versus MLA style, and whether commas and hyphens are actually necessary throughout this plaque.

I question whether playing for San Diego is ever necessary.

Apparently the period is a passive-aggressive punctuation mark.

According to a report in The New Republic by Ben Crair, texting is changing the way we perceive punctuation--and no other piece of punctuation is in such an emotionally tangled web than the period.

Since texts are quick blurbs of writing, punctuation has evolved (or degraded, depending on your viewpoint). Whereas periods have been used for over 2,000 years to simply mean a distinct pause and end of a thought, today's text messaging now infers emotion behind its use.

The example Crair uses starts with texting your girlfriend to ask if she'd rather eat in than go out for her birthday. Her response without a period

we could do that

comes across as open-ended, liberated, and possibly agreeable, says Crair.

But her response with a period

we could do that.

comes across as closed, standoffish, final.

The problem appears to be that texting has created an entirely new emotional response requirement. While phone calls allow voice inflection, texting is based solely on the typed word. This explains why the exclamation point now implies absolute certainty (I really think this is all crazy!), but periods are distant and cold.

In essence, for years I've come across like a rude, emotionally-stunted person when I text friends and family because I'm a grammar stickler. I've also apparently just offended you with the 13 periods that appear in this post--14 if you count the subject line. Sorry about that. (15) (Damnit, 16.) (Arrhhhh...)

Because a coffee break is no reason to break from proper English.

For the grammatically challenged in your life:

I find the less/fewer cup to be most helpful.

£39.95 at The Literary Gift Company.

Icelandic court says teenager can keep her name.

Iceland is quirky. See: Bjork, fermented fish, little actual ice comparative to name.

Icelandic law requires names for new babies adhere to Icelandic grammar and punctuation rules, including gender basics. These baby name rules also apply to the Icelandic alphabet, which doesn't include the letter C found commonly in many western languages. Want to name your baby girl Christina? Ain't happening.

What about Blaer for a newborn girl? Seems vowel-centric enough for Iceland, as if it's missing a consonant somewhere in the middle. Should be great! But, nooo. Icelandic law says the name Blaer is against the law, as it takes on the masculine grammatical form in the Icelandic language.

It became a banned name for baby girls.

This was all a headache for Bjork Eidstottir (less musically screamy than the Bjork you're thinking of), a renegade mother in Iceland who has no appreciation for laws or grammatical rules. She named her daughter Blaer fifteen years ago--back when Bill Clinton was president, yo!--but Icelandic officials said the name Blaer wasn't on the rolls of officially approved monnikers. So Bjork Eidstottir sued the Icelandic government to name her daughter what she wants.

After years and years and years of haggling--a time during which Blaer officially went by the name 'Girl' on Icelandic governmental forms--Bjork Eidstottir won. She's now allowed to name her daughter a word not officially on Icelandic naming rolls.

Girl is now Blaer.

Cue the musical capping to this whole shenanigan:

photo: AP

Boston area bakery makes cookie résumés.

Cakes4Occasions knows that the economy has been tough for half a decade now, especially for college students, so they're looking to give you a leg up on the competition out there on the job market.

And what better way to tell people you mean business than with a sugar cookie detailing your proficiency with the Microsoft Office Suite.

Because if you can't win over a prospective employer with your credentials, win them over with butter-based products.

According to Cakes4Occasions:
We all know that in a tough economy jobseekers are looking for unique ways to cut through the clutter and get noticed. If you're among the many jobseekers out there than you know it's "crunch time". Lucky for you, we have a solution!

Than/Then...British grammar/American grammar, what's the dif? We'll ignore their snafus.

Let's look at a prospective cookie résumé:

When in the interview process do you hand this over to a potential employer? Does security escort you from the building, or do the police get called?

I do like the sprinkles though. That's a nice touch. Sprinkles make everything better.

Today is National Punctuation Day.

Its' a day, to commemorate; how—important proper "punctuation" is in our daily lives?

No better day than today to go out and yell at a grocery store for obsessively using quotation marks when labeling their produce.





photo: e4africa.co.za

Quibble No. 6: It Got Passed.

Dear Scott,

You're running for Senate. Between you and your competitor, Elizabeth Warren, countless ads run on an endless loop. Neither of you wow me, but, hey, I understand. I get it.

What I don't get?

Poor English skills--like in this ad where you tell us about a bill you proposed in the Senate. "It got passed," you tell us.



Every single time, Scott. Every time this ad comes on and you tell me "it got passed" I want to run screaming into a wall at 100mph. You make $174,000 a year as a senator. You attended Tufts University and Boston College, where I assume they covered basic English skills at some point or another. So, stop saying "it got passed." Please? No, really--please? Instead, maybe try saying "it passed" or "the Senate passed it."

Don't believe those people who say you can't end a sentence with a preposition. They're as ignorant as your ad when it comes to the rules of English.

Chicago Bears cornerback doesn't much appreciate math teacher's homework.

Charles Tillman plays cornerback for the Chicago Bears, where every Sunday he tries to decapitate opponents.

Casey Bridge is an 8th grade advanced student in suburban Chicago. She decapitates math problems.

Here the twain shall meet.

Bridge was doing homework at a sporting goods store her dad manages. Tillman was at said store for an autograph shindig--when, lo and behold, little Casey Bridge came across the following problem on her homework written by her math teacher:

The Packers play the Bears 4 times in two seasons. The Packers, being a much better team, have an 80% chance of winning each game. What is the probability that the Bears win all four games? What is the probability that the Bears win at least one game?

Casey thought it'd be swell to walk up to Tillman and let him see what sort of math problem her teacher concocted. Being told he was on a much worse team by a two-bit math teacher, Tillman decided to leave a message for the math teacher, Mr. Amrein:

Mr. Amrein,

This is Charles "Peanut" Tillman of the Chicago Bears and I'm shocked that you would have a problem like this for your students. The probability that the Bears would win in my opinion is 100%. Please do not and I repeat DO NOT send them home with math homework that is disrespectful to our team, city and our beloved Chicago Bears.

Your All Pro Corner
Charles "Peanut" Tillman
33
Geaux Bears

P.S. Bear Down

For the moment, let's ignore the grammatical clusterbleep going on with both the math problem and Tillman's response, or the Louisiana bayou spellings popping up, too.

Instead, let's focus on Tillman's psychological manipulation of the situation and going full caps with his demands of NOT sending children home with such math problems. It's probably advisable not to irk a gentleman whose job description requires potential paralysis of people.

In the end, little Casey Bridge showed Mr. Armein what Tillman had to say, and Armein gave her an A. Intimidation and self-preservation goes a long way.

The photo of Bridge's homework and Tillman's response, via Reddit, via Yahoo:

Gawker ranks the people most easily offended by their website...

...and academics are #2!

On the plus side, I bet all that academic bellyaching is written with some quality grammar, so props for that.

Pikeville, KY, didn't pass 3rd grade English.

The University of Kentucky just won the NCAA men's basketball championship. As a result, the team and their head coach, John Calipari, are making the rounds throughout Kentucky, glad-handing politicians, kissing babies, and being given keys to the city.

Except in Pikeville, KY, things went awry. Admittedly, grammar and spelling are a newfangled thing in parts of rural Kentucky.

So close on at least a half dozen fronts! So, so close!!

But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. Although I think it's safe to say this was a live hand grenade to modern spelling and grammar etiquette.


photo: deadspin.com

Britannica now the Betamax of encyclopedias.

Sad news today for you old souls out there: Encyclopedia Britannica is going off to the Great Big Book Repository in the Sky.

The publishers of the 200 year old stalwart announced they're ceasing all future print editions of their encyclopedia, focusing instead on their internet-based brand. Que sera, sera.

In other news, I edit Wikipedia pages for poor grammar. Lay off the semicolon, people. It's not the binky of punctuation.

Former professional football player doesn't like being corrected on grammar issues.

You know when you're on Facebook or Twitter and a friend routinely messes up "your" and "you're"? You know, like the following:

You're dog is so cute!

or

Your so pretty in this picture!

Michael Strahan used to play for the New York Giants. That statement, in and of itself, implies that he probably wasn't Thomas Pynchon with spelling and grammar basics.

Recently, on Twitter, a follower of Strahan's corrected his problems between your/you're. Being a calm, rational, peaceful man becoming of a career decapitating quarterbacks, Strahan went the only logical route: he directly messaged the person and had some advice, as this screen capture from the website Deadspin shows:

Well, at least it seems he knows your shows possession. Now if he can only remember that "dads" shows possession in this case, too, and requires an apostrophe. Yup, even when referring to dad's hogan.



photo: Deadspin.com

Chuckle Ha-Ha.

A few weeks ago I posted a comic that mocked eReaders.

Here's one making rounds about grammar.

The real question here: are two cops really needed to take down a portly English teacher? What makes her so dangerous? Adverbs?