Today is National Book Lovers Day! And no one knows why!

It's one of those non-binding, unofficial, head-scratching "holidays"--like National Burrito Day!!--National Light Bulb Day!!--National Elastic Band Day!!--where the Ken and Barbie dolls on Good Morning America or your local news will fill up thirty seconds of airtime chatting about it with light, pleasant laughter and 20,000 watt smiles that have gone heavy on the Crest White Strips lately.

"It's National Book Lovers Day!" one anchor will say to the other at the news desk. "It's in honor of all those who cherish a good book, and readers are encouraged to cozy up with their favorite today and enjoy!"

Then there's a little back-and-forth between the anchors for ten seconds before they hand it off to the meteorologist with awkward, idle chit-chat about favorite books before a fifteen minute forecast ensues that explicitly details it'll be 82 degrees and sunny for the next week.

The point of all this?

Not only is the "holiday" only a holiday in name only, no one has any idea how it came about. Reputable news organizations don't reference any source, while websites devoted to keeping track of such days of the year say:

"While the day’s origins may be shrouded in mystery and rumor, the books themselves are not..."

Or this:

"Within our research, we were unable to find the creator or origin of National Book Lovers Day..."

In essence, anyone could lay claim to this with a reasonable story conjured up. Grow a spine and tell the world your grandpa or grandma were book distributors and created the holiday in 1887 in rural Iowa. Make it a family affair. There's no reason not to strive for such familial honor. People have claimed worse things in life after all, like creating polyester or Arby's.

Banned Books Week: The Most Challenged Books Of The Year

It's Banned Books Week, that one week a year when the American Library Association (ALA) reminds sensible Americans that there are still unhinged individuals out there who want to censor your reading material.

And as with every year, the ALA has released the top-10 books most frequently contested from the previous year. For 2014, they are:

1.      The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, by Sherman Alexie
Reasons: anti-family, cultural insensitivity, drugs/alcohol/smoking, gambling, offensive language, sex education, sexually explicit, unsuited for age group, violence. Additional reasons: “depictions of bullying”

2.      Persepolis, by Marjane Satrapi
Reasons: gambling, offensive language, political viewpoint. Additional reasons: “politically, racially, and socially offensive,” “graphic depictions”

3.      And Tango Makes Three, Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell
Reasons: Anti-family, homosexuality, political viewpoint, religious viewpoint, unsuited for age group. Additional reasons: “promotes the homosexual agenda”

4.      The Bluest Eye, by Toni Morrison
Reasons: Sexually explicit, unsuited for age group. Additional reasons: “contains controversial issues”

5.      It’s Perfectly Normal, by Robie Harris
Reasons: Nudity, sex education, sexually explicit, unsuited to age group. Additional reasons: “alleges it child pornography”

6.      Saga, by Brian Vaughan and Fiona Staples
Reasons: Anti-Family, nudity, offensive language, sexually explicit, and unsuited for age group.

7.      The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini
Reasons: Offensive language, unsuited to age group, violence

8.      The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky
Reasons: drugs/alcohol/smoking, homosexuality, offensive language, sexually explicit, unsuited for age group. Additional reasons: “date rape and masturbation”

9.      A Stolen Life, Jaycee Dugard
Reasons: drugs/alcohol/smoking, offensive language, sexually explicit, and unsuited for age group

10.  Drama, by Raina Telgemeier
Reasons: sexually explicit

All of these are ridiculous reasons to ban a book, obviously. But And Tango Makes Three holds a special spot on this blog, as I recounted the book being banned as far back as five years ago. The true story of penguin love affairs needs to be made into a Hollywood epic immediately. As I wrote five years ago:
______________________

The real-life story occurred when two penguins named Roy and Silo found the penguin dating scene a little thin in the zoo, so they hooked up on a platonic level and created their own sort of bachelor pad. Being in such close quarters, romance was bound to happen. In time, Roy and Silo decided to try dating casually, before things started heating up. According to zookeepers, the duo eventually tried hatching a rock together. Admittedly, sex education is lacking at the zoo. But who hasn't had that awkward sex stage at some point?

After being given an egg to hatch together, Roy and Silo brought Tango, their daughter, into their lives. Raising Tango to maturity, Tango would eventually mate up with a male, Tanuzi, and live happily ever after.

But the white-hot media spotlight on Roy and Silo doomed their romance. First, they were evicted from their nest by other aggressive penguins. The penguins didn't say anything to the media, but I'm just putting it out there that their landlord was homophobic. Soon, Silo was seeing women on the side, especially a morally loose female penguin from California named Scrappy. Meanwhile, Roy was last seen alone, single, and staring at a wall. (Yes, that link goes to a New York Times article.) The lust between Silo and Scrappy was short-lived, as the California minx was off seeing other penguins, stepping out on Silo before they got too serious. Alas, Roy and Silo could never rekindle their romance. Roy could never trust Silo for his philandering ways.

Greatest story ever told??

Greatest story ever told.
_________________________

Five years later, the book is still amongst the most banned books in America--and it's still the greatest story ever told.

Minor league hockey team has a 'Fifty Shades of Grey' promotion, including jerseys. Naturally.

If ever there was a chance for synergy between sports, books, and movies--it would be the marriage of Fifty Shades of Grey and a minor league hockey team's jerseys. Because when you think shirt-ripping romance novels, you think sweaty, minor-league hockey players who wear a dental plate.

The Bakersfield (CA) Condors of hockey's minor league ECHL are wearing special edition jerseys in honor of the racy book's movie release on February 13th--jerseys that are, well, in fifty shades of gray. Not stopping there, the jerseys have a mock tie, handcuffs, and a face mask all superimposed upon the shirt.

This isn't all just for a movie release though, as there is a charitable angle. Per the Condor's PR release:

- When the Condors score their first goal of the game, fans are invited to throw NEW undergarments (bras, underwear, t-shirts, socks, boxers, diapers, etc.) on the ice to be collected by Dream Builders and donated to local charities.

Keyword, folks: NEW.

No one wants your four-year old Captain America Underoos.

Randomness Corner: The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson's 'You Are the Author'

Before Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel, before Conan O'Brien and Arsenio Hall, before Jay Leno and David Letterman, there was Johnny Carson.

If you were alive between 1962 and 1992, odds are you watched Carson late at night. So did your grandmother, making it the rare television show appealing to all generations (and insomniacs).

Here, from a 1991 episode, is Carson's 'You Are the Author' segment, taking lines from audience members to create a saucy romance story.

A book about underpants was the most complained about library book in 2012.

The Captain Underpants series (with peppy titles such as The Terrifying Return of Tippy Tinkletrousers and the timeless Revolting Revenge of the Radioactive Robo-Boxers) outnumbered all other book titles in requests to be removed from library shelves, according to the American Library Association.

The children's books snatched the top spot, surpassing the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, which came in fourth place.

Because when it comes to the match-up between sadomasochistic sex and Fruit of the Looms, Americans fear sensible cotton undies more.

'Fifty Shades of Grey' screenwriter says movie adaptation will probably receive NC-17 rating.

Kelly Marcel, screenwriter for the upcoming movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey says the movie most likely will garner an NC-17 rating because her script contains "a lot of sex" and "...It will be raunchy. We are 100% going there."

Marcel then added, apparently with a straight face, that she's adapting what she feels is an old-fashioned love story.

Ahh, those old-fashioned love stories that are 100% raunchy. Reminds me of Casablanca when Humphrey Bogart gets out the whips and chains and ties Ingrid Bergman down onto the bed.

No--wait--I have that wrong.

Stephenie Meyer hasn't read 'Fifty Shades of Grey'...thinks fan fiction is sad.

Despite that Fifty Shades of Grey was born as fan fiction in honor of Twilight, Twilight's creator Stephenie Meyer told Access Hollywood that she hasn't read EL James's BDSM saga.

"No, it's really not my kind of book--not my thing," Meyer told the TV show, subtly letting you know not to invite her to your next sex toy party. "But, you know, anytime somebody is out there being creative, that's great," she added like a glad-handing politician.

If you think Meyer doesn't appreciate that a fan of her poorly written books can create their own poorly written fiction, too--well, uh, you'd be right.

"I mean, I have read some fan fiction years ago and I found it really, like, kind of cool," Meyer said, mastering the backhanded compliment. "These people had these stories. I felt it was a little bit sad that they were doing them in a way where [the stories] weren't theirs, but I feel like all those people, they're practicing and they're going to write their book, it's going to come out of them eventually." After a slight pause, Meyer added, "Because they're writers."

Right on, Meyer! These people and their stories that aren't really their own creation. I mean, vampires? No one has ever written about these creatures of the night before--but you blazed a trail there and created blood sucking characters out of the depths of your imagination. And werewolves! Can't forget the werewolf angle! Men who turn into gigantic wolves? You could have had these guys turn into gigantic pigs or llamas, but you said, "No, no--I'm going completely original here: wolves." I'm not sure there has ever been a story like that in history. Not until you came up with such originality, Meyer!

And that thing you did with one woman being in love with two men--I'm not sure such a romantic scenario has ever been portrayed in entertainment history. What do we even call it? Three sides to romance--a sexy triangle? A hubba-hubba triangle? Maybe a love triangle?

Hey! A love triangle! That's fresh. Love triangle. Better trademark that before some other jamoke fan copies you.





photo: WireImage, via EW.com

The New Yorker's profile of J.K. Rowling subtly suggests her new book isn't for your kindergartner.

The New Yorker's latest issue has a ten page profile on everything J.K Rowling, which would be amazingly interesting if J.K Rowling were amazingly interesting. She's not, so feel free to skip most of the profile.

But The New Yorker does publish a few tiny snippets of of Rowling's newest novel, the fairly adult The Casual Vacancy. There isn't a bevy of plot details to go around, but it's decidedly un-Harry Potter-esque, with passages like...

"...that miraculously unguarded vagina..."

"The leathery skin of her upper cleavage radiated little cracks that no longer vanished when decompressed."

"...with an ache in his heart and in his balls."

Somehow or another, I keep picturing Dumbledore involved in all of these quotes.




photo: The Guardian

'50 Shades of Grey' can be traded in for a new book.

Good news if you're done abusing your copy of 50 Shades of Grey.

Send your copy to publisher O/R Books, and if you're one of the first fifty to do so they'll send you back a copy of their spoof novel 50 Shades of Louisa May.

And, yes, the Louisa May in question is Louisa May Alcott, thus giving you all the titillation of 50 Shades of Grey, but now in a bonnet.




photo: Penguin Books / O/R Books

British charity proposes '50 Shades of Grey' book burning.

The charity focuses on domestic violence, and sees '50 Shades' as promoting violence against women. They've scheduled a book burning for November 5th.

November 5th is also Guy Fawkes Day in Britain, in which effigies of Fawkes are burned throughout the region. This means everyone will see a bonfire raging on November 5th and assume it's Guy Fawkes-related and not understand the flames are powered from the scorching-hot page-turning '50 Shades' action.

Fifty Shades of Grey author releases album of music that inspired her to write the book.

According to an interview, author E.L. Jmaes describes it as "music to f--- to."

This includes classical pieces by Chopin, Rachmaninoff, and Debussy.

In case you're wondering, this is the first time in human history Chopin, Rachmaninoff, and Debussy have ever been considered music to f--- to.




photo: The Telegraph

Oprah hates books.

That's what I take away from an MSNBC story that says whenever Oprah picked a book for her book club it actually hurt overall book sales.

Mind you, that's overall book sales--not the lone book she baptized with some anointing oils.

According to MSNBC, Oprah had fancy tastes. But those tastes didn't coincide with her audience, who tended to gravitate toward beach reads.

This meant that whenever Oprah picked, oh, say, East of Eden, by John Steinbeck, as she did in 2003, her audience took a long while to read the book. A lot longer. So long that they stopped buying their usual shirt-ripping Harlequins, and actually hurt overall book sales as a result. Sure, Steinbeck saw an uptick in sales--but the lusty Lotharios of the romance trade that drive book sales saw a significant dip in sales. Blazing Bedtime Stories, Volume VI* makes people blaze through those pages, I guess.

Whatever the case, I can't get past the fact that this whole story seems like an insult to everyone's mom, mine included. What?? My mother likes Maeve Binchy! Don't make me feel guilty by association.




*Not for nothing, but the tag line for that book is "...and they lived sexily ever after!" BEST. TAG. LINE. EVER.

Editors: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

eReaders are a tricky thing--a thing editors are apparently still learning to adapt to.

Romantic book writer Susan Andersen knows this more than most. According to British newspaper The Guardian, an editor missed a key misspelling on the eReader edition of her latest shirt-ripper.

The misspelling?

"He stiffened for a moment but then she felt his muscles loosen as he shi**ed on the ground."

SHIFTED!!! As he SHIFTED on the ground is what it's supposed to say. You can imagine how Andersen feels. Otherwise it sounds like she writes some really--uhhh--freaky stuff.

And don't even ask what your sci-fi habit means for your sex life...

According to a report in The Guardian, psychologist Susan Quilliam claims that what you read affects your sex life. Specifically, romance novels are the cause of STDs, unplanned pregnancies, and unrealistic sexual expectations. Quilliam sadly doesn't mention how misguided romance novels are about post-coital snuggling, but I'm going to go on a limb here and say she thinks spooning is Satan's work.









I'm not an expert with guns, but I'm going to assume casually holding a loaded gun over your shoulder while horseback riding isn't taught at horse riding school. Even if you're shirtless and have been working on your pecs. Trust me, man, I've been there. They frown on that.

Amanda Hocking is a millionaire from writing ebooks. By comparison, I am not.

Yahoo! has an interview with a 26 year old woman named Amanda Hocking, best known now as a self-made millionaire from writing paranormal romance ebooks.

Hocking says she started writing while she had a full-time job, working 3pm to 9pm (full-time, eh?), and then would write for up to 12 hours after that fueled on Red Bull and SweeTarts. (No, really. SweeTarts. It's the poor man's pick-me-up.)

I don't know what "paranormal romance" actually means though. I'm assuming it's about someone like Edward Cullen, minus the hair mousse. Maybe? Ghosts? Maybe the novels are about zombies. I've often thought that there was a huge void on the zombie romance novel front. Look how zombies are so dedicated to having people for dinner. How romantic!

Nothing says "passionate romance novel" like the horrors of World War One/Two

Do you get lost in book stores easily? Have you looked for Victor Hugo in the romance section, only to be disappointed to find out Barnes & Noble considers his work to be lacking in the shirt-ripping, scintillating appeal of your average romance novel?

Then Target has heard you pleas. No longer shall you literary choices be dictated by the bias and discrimination of employees with "standards." As these photos will show, Target defines some great classics to be one Fabio pose away from a romantic tour-de-force.

1.) I'm not sure--but the caged bird might be singing because it's catching an eyeful of the penniless beauty and her boss meeting up after work.

2.) It's all quiet because the boss is working overtime.

3.) Yeeeeah. A few things wrong with this picture:

a.) A book about things being set on fire (including a human caricature set on fire on the cover) beside a book dealing with the Holocaust.

b.) Did I mention the Holocaust yet?...

c.) Because the book about the Holocaust is sitting right near the Greek Tycoon's Achilles Heel--a book about the terror and trials of dealing with a severe limp.

Little known fact though: Harlequin novels are so hot, they catch fire before they reach 451 degrees.

But how soon until the special edition Torah?

Too often I've been reading the Bible thinking, "You know what would jazz this up? If Jesus was into race car driving."

Well, I need wait no longer. Jesus--and entrepreneurial marketers--have heard my prayers. According to the company putting this winning idea out:

For fans of stock car racing, this Bible is a must-have. It features commentary and testimonies from some of racing’s most famous names, as well as full-color action photos of some of racing’s most famous faces.

And I bet it also contains some commentary and testimonies from the Bible's most famous names, too. Like Jesus! And Moses! But what really matters with such a Bible is whether Dale Earnhardt Jr. has a full-color photo inside.

What's great is that now you can have NASCAR racing action in all your literary choices. I pointed out a couple months ago how there are NASCAR sponsored romance novels. And now, after you feel dirty from reading those, you can do some repenting by reading the Bible in all its left-hand turning glory. Is action photography of speeding cars frozen in time not enough to get you to buy this Bible? Well, there are three features to this Bible, according to the website:

1.)  Jesus's words are highlighted in red. (Sorry, Moses.)
2.)  Maps are included. (No word on whether the maps are of Daytona and Talladega.)
3.)  Concise Concordance is included. (Eh?)

Is that not enough to sell you? Well, thankfully, they aren't crass and have advertisement using racing puns every 20 seconds to--

Ah, wait, yes they do.



Did he just say God is the "ultimate sponsor"? Hey, let's not be hasty here. Give McDonald's or Sonic a few minutes to up their financial offer before you count them out, okay?

Is that gunfire? Or is it Michael Buble's music that I hear?

Clearly, it goes without saying that Saskatoon is the first thing many people think of when white-hot romance comes to mind, especially in book form. Montreal? Vancouver? Quebec City? That's only if you want puppy love. If you want the scorching, ripped-shirt romance of a Fabio book cover, you need to look to Saskatoon.

According to Canadian newspaper, The Globe and Mail, Saskatoon is the most romantic Canadian city. This is based off an Amazon.ca poll/study/rib-tickler that says Saskatoon is the biggest buyer of romance novels, romantic comedy DVDs, and Michael Buble CDs. And, really, why would you want to count any other musical act besides Michael Buble? You can't doubt the sheer animal magnetism that is Michael Buble's music. His CDs are quite possibly responsible for 25% of all new births that occur within Saskatoon city limits.

For you ignorant Americans who forget Canada isn't the 51st state of the United States, Saskatoon is the equivalent of Nebraska, if Nebraska had a jones for unbridled violence. That's right, Saskatoon is also known as being Canada's most violent metropolis, too. (Put another way: Saskatoon is Baltimore, without the crab cakes.) That makes perfect sense with Saskatoon's new found Lothario status. When you're a lover, you're breaking hearts every day. Heartache leads to irrational acts of violence. Really, if Saskatoon wants to lower its murder rate, it very well might need to ban Michael Buble's music.

As a side note, Windsor, Ontario, ranked as the least romantic Canadian city. I object to this. I've been to Windsor on many occasions, and I can report the auto factories and smoke stacks churning out cars across the river from Detroit do nothing but fill me full of romance. Or carcinogens. It could be carcinogens I'm feeling. It's hard to tell sometimes.

Reading and driving: two things that should always be done at the same time.

With Valentine's Day coming soon, romantic books come to the forefront. But there's such a wide array of romantic books available that it can be difficult to know what to read. Thankfully, there's a type of romantic book available that everyone can identify with: NASCAR romantic novels. The glitz, the glamour, the pork rinds for sale in the stands--it's as if those Harlequin novel folks have their fingers on the pulse of Dixie. Who hasn't wanted the thrill of love mixed with the smell of gasoline fumes?

If you ask me, Jackie Collins has always been lacking references to motor oil and radiator leaks. Finally, NASCAR comes through with novels about men breaking records and breaking hearts. These novels are probably so steamy that you'll need the defroster set to max in your own race car. And how can you resist books with titles that blend together both the action of NASCAR with the innuendo of seduction? 

Titles such as:

Checkered Past

Black Flag, White Lies
Running on Empty

Risky Moves

Hot Pursuit

On the Move

Teaming Up

Hitting the Brakes

Slingshot Moves

Speed Bumps

Within Striking Distance

One Track Mind

Slow Burn
 
But why stop there? Do NASCAR romance novels lack the appeal of putting you in the action? Well, good news! Booksbyyou.com has their "Racing Hearts - Love in the Fast Lane!" collection. According to their website:

Remember: You co-author Racing Hearts by selecting the heroine, hero and heroine's best friend - and even your dog or cat! The novel is 195 pages and professionally bound, with more than 25 characteristics to personalize, making it a gift that is truly unique and sentimental. A gift that will be cherished forever.

Did you just say I get to pick my own dog and cat, too?? Well, as long as you let me include Mr. Whiskers in my romance novel, you've got me sold! So, too, are some happy customers who already received their personalized race car romance books. A guy named Richie M. from Ontario (proposed race slogan: "Where 'y'all' becomes 'eh?'") is more than happy:

"My girlfriend showed me my name on the cover and I almost fell out of my chair. When I started reading we were "driven away" by the story. It's like being at Daytona, only better because I took home the ultimate prize."

A pick-up truck with brand new mud flaps? All we know is Richie is one very happy man. With Valentine's Day coming up, I think we can expect the girlfriend is getting a sweet dinner out to Tim Horton's (the Canadian doppelganger of Hardees) as a thank you. That's love in the fast lane, Canadian style.

Hamsters, and Penguins, and Zoos? Oh, my!

The American Library Association (ALA) comes out with their top ten banned books every year. Since this is a library association, they're a little slow to come out with their 2009 list. But we'll continue looking at banned books and censorship--here with the 2008 ALA list of Top Ten Banned Books.

A quick glance at the list shows the most common reason for banning the books is "unsuited to age group." That's a pretty fast and loose reason if you ask me. Anything can be "unsuited to age group" depending on the circumstance. Take, for example, our love of romance novels on this blog. "Harlequin Blaze" is an imprint of the Harlequin novel--self-described as "stories...so full of scorching hot passion, you're liable to singe your fingers just turning the pages." And guess what? There's a 50/50 shot your grandma is reading it, and last I checked such books weren't "suited" to your grandma's age group. Just saying. Maybe the reason grandma is knitting potholders all the time in her knitting circles is so she can handle her Harlequin Blaze books.

Among the books listed on the ALA 2008 list are two books for children:

8.) Uncle Bobby's Wedding, by Sarah S. Brannan.

From the Amazon. com description:

"When her favorite uncle, Bobby, announces that he is getting married to his boyfriend, Jamie, Chloe worries that he won’t have time for her anymore. The characters are all guinea pigs in human dress..."

I think it's easy to see what caused this book to be banned. I've always said the biggest threat facing modern America is guinea pigs wearing human clothes. Finally, people are cracking down on this, and not a moment too soon. What's next? Ferrets wearing sundresses? Hamsters wearing practical pantsuits?

1.) And Tango Makes Three by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson

This book has been the most banned book for three years running. Based on the true story of two male penguins who paired together in New York City's Central Park Zoo, the book recounts how zoo keepers gave the two males an egg by another couple. The egg would hatch, and that chick would be named Tango.

The real-life story occurred when two penguins named Roy and Silo found the penguin dating scene a little thin in the zoo, so they hooked up on a platonic level and created their own sort of bachelor pad. Being in such close quarters, romance was bound to happen. In time, Roy and Silo decided to try dating casually, before things started heating up. According to zookeepers, the duo eventually tried hatching a rock together. Admittedly, sex education is lacking at the zoo. But who hasn't had that awkward sex stage at some point?

After being given an egg to hatch together, Roy and Silo brought Tango, their daughter, into their lives. Raising Tango to maturity, Tango would eventually mate up with a male, Tanuzi, and live happily ever after.

But the white-hot media spotlight on Roy and Silo doomed their romance. First, they were evicted from their nest by other aggressive penguins. The penguins didn't say anything to the media, but I'm just putting it out there that their landlord was homophobic. Soon, Silo was seeing women on the side, especially a morally loose female penguin from California named Scrappy. Meanwhile, Roy was last seen alone, single, and staring at a wall. (Yes, that link goes to a New York Times article.) The lust between Silo and Scrappy was short-lived, as the California minx was off seeing other penguins, stepping out on Silo before they got too serious. Alas, Roy and Silo could never rekindle their romance. Roy could never trust Silo for his philandering ways.

Greatest story ever told??

Greatest story ever told.