CNN decided to write a bio of Dr. Seuss in rhyme. Children will not be interested.

Beloved children's author Theodor Geisel (aka: Dr. Seuss) would have turned 104 this past Monday. Not the most obvious anniversary to remember, especially since the good doctor died 29 years ago. 50th? 100th? 300th? Nah, let's remember 104th.

But Seuss is still beloved by generations regardless, which led to CNN fishing for some quick web clicks this week where they wrote the briefest bio of the man in rhyme. It was supposed to be cute, as if it was one of his books--but really it's only if Dr. Seuss hit-the-bottle-and-regretted-his-career kind of book. Little tidbits like the following:
__________

But do you know how it all started?
Do you know where it all began?
The story of the man who
brought the world "Green Eggs and Ham"?
No need to sit and worry
No — we'll explain it all
Just sit back in your chair, relax and
Silent that next call
__________

Oh, boy. First of all, they think I'm taking calls? Listen, CNN, you text me if you need me.

Secondly, it's "silence," not "silent." It doesn't even change the number of syllables. Not that CNN was remotely counting syllables with this.

But I digress:
__________

Then Suess, he was approached
By the director of a board
They needed something new, they said
The kids -- they are so bored!
So he began to make a book
With not too many words
Less words, he figured, that might work
That's what the kids preferred
__________

"Fewer," not "less." Does CNN ever hire proofreaders or editors for their website? Oh, don't be silly! Proper grammar when writing about books is overrated.

And "the kids"?
__________

The book he made, it had a name
"The Cat in the Hat"
A blend of rhythms and cartoons
A different format
That same year, he dropped another
"How the Grinch Stole Christmas!"
A story of an odd green man
who's rude and too ambitious

__________

Yeeeah, sorry CNN, but the "The" in "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" is capitalized, as Random House's own book--and the following photo CNN attached to the story--shows:

You literally had the photo on your site, CNN, and still spelled the word incorrectly.

You know what Dr. Seuss would think?

You need to read more children's books.


PS: Lest you wonder why I don't begrudge CNN for their spelling of "The Cat in the Hat," it's because damn near all versions of Random House's editions capitalize every letter of every word in the title. No media outlet, CNN or anyone else, is going to capitalize every letter of every word like they're screaming.

Semantics? Damn right, it's semantics.

Donald Trump doesn't read, even to kids.

When he was a running for president, then-candidate Donald Trump let the world know he didn't read books.

As The Washington Post described it--regarding if Trump ever read biographies of former presidents--he replied: "I never have. I’m always busy doing a lot. Now I’m more busy, I guess, than ever before."

The Post continued, explaining Trump's reading habits:


"Trump’s desk is piled high with magazines, nearly all of them with himself on their covers, and each morning, he reviews a pile of printouts of news articles about himself that his secretary delivers to his desk. But there are no shelves of books in his office..."


Fast forward to candidate Trump becoming President Trump, and nothing much has changed. At the annual Easter egg roll at La Casa Blanca--where presidents traditionally read to children--Trump still couldn't grab a random Dr. Seuss and take five minutes for rhyme time.

What we got was the Press Secretary--and human steam missile--Sean Spicer reading to some random child, alone, in a how-to of awkwardness:




Is that kid questioning his life decisions the entire time? Yes--yes he is.

Elsewhere, Attorney General Jeff Sessions read It's Not Easy Being a Bunny, a 39-page marathon that doesn't have much of a Wikipedia page, and goes for the low-low, moved-to-sell price of $6.01 at Barnes and Noble.

First Lady Melania Trump chose a children's book by Kathie Lee Gifford, Party Animals, to read.

First Lady Melania Trump read aloud "Party Animals" by Kathie Lee Gifford, celebrating differences & similarities in people. pic.twitter.com/yxNnASPqqE

— Mark Knoller (@markknoller) April 17, 2017

According to the Amazon description:


"Successful talk show host, singer, songwriter, actress, and author Kathie Lee Gifford has come up with a delightful book for children! Lucy Goosy is carefully reviewing her list of animals to invite for her birthday party. She has to make sure to invite the right guests so that her party will be perfect. But when she focuses on everyone's bad qualities, instead of good, she discovers that there is no one to attend! With a little help from the Wise Owl..."

Okay, that's enough. I was lost after calling Kathie Lee a successful singer and songwriter. Amateur mic night at the Chuckle Hut has better creativity.

Instead, our First Lady chose a book written by a ghost writer most likely created by a morning talk show host to share at Easter. That, and it had human kamikaze, Sean Spicer, indulging in a creepy read-along with random kid alone.

Yet, nowhere was the president.

By comparison, Barack Obama routinely read books to children, and not books by television hosts:

Here is a picture of Obama reading Where The Wild Things are to some children in 2014. pic.twitter.com/94jcn8BRYH

— India Knight (@indiaknight) January 16, 2017

Admittedly, Dr. Seuss and Maurice Sendak never featured Donald Trump in a book, which explains why he doesn't read them.

This would be a missed opportunity by them. Or good sense.

Horton hears a new book: New Dr. Seuss book to be released 24-years after his death.

Theodore Geisel--better known as Dr. Seuss--died 24-years ago, but that hasn't stopped his production.

The Cat in the Hat author and illustrator worked on multiple projects right up until his death, but that means multiple projects remained unpublished--and largely undiscovered--until now.

What Pet Should I Get? will be published on July 28, 2015, a project found in a box of sketches and text that Geisel completed before his death but remained largely unnoticed by his widow until 2013. The book features two characters previously seen in Dr. Seuss's earlier book, One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. Likewise, at least two other brand new Dr. Seuss books will be released by publisher Random House from the same found sketches and text.

It's kind of like Dr. Seuss is Tupac with these posthumous releases. And I think we all know Dr. Seuss and Tupac were connected down deep.

Complaint asks Dr. Seuss to be removed from Toronto library.

Six complaints were filed with librarians at the Toronto Public Library in 2013, asking for five books and one movie to be removed from the collection.

One of the five books was Dr. Seuss's 1963 rhyming ode to fatherhood, Hop on Pop. According to library documents, the complainant argues the book "encourages children to use violence against their fathers," and asks the library to apologize to dads while paying for any damages that occurred from the book.

The library found the book actually discourages children from hopping on pop at all, and decided to keep the book within their children's collection.

The reign of terror from Canadian three-year olds will continue.




On the flip side, the movie complained about was Adam Sandler's That's My Boy. That person is just a hero.

Hotel commissions dinosaur figurines in the style of Dr. Seuss characters.

Yeah, let that one sink in for a minute.

The Best Western Denver Southwest rebranded and remodeled itself in the theme of dinosaurs--because nothing evokes images of a comfy hotel stay like the piercing jagged edges of a stegosaurus.

So the hotel asked custom toy designer Sillof (not his real name, but he's like the Cher or Madonna of plastic figurines) to design plastic toys that combined all relaxing appeal of Jurassic Park with Dr. Seuss characters.

What you get is this:

Now imagine Cindy Lou Who running for her life while the Grinch tries to devour her. Really puts a new spin on the Christmas tidings.




All photos via Sillof's homepage. He also makes a wide array of themed Star Wars characters that the inner dweeb in me can't deny are quite impressive.

Sandy, meet Dr. Seuss.

Dr. Seuss loved himself some Schaefer's Beer and Holly Sugar.

Dr. Seuss needed to make some coin back in the day, and there was no better way to make it for a cartoonist than to draw advertisements.

The University of California--San Diego has a huge database of most of Dr. Seuss's work from the 1920s to the 1940s for companies as varied as Ford and General Electric to Holly Sugar and Schaefer Beer.

While nearly all of the advertisements look like fringe characters from Green Eggs and Ham, it still takes a moment to wrap your head around a Cindy Lou Who clone promoting all the advantages of an oil heat burner.

And then there's the mildly awkward xenophobia that occurs with some ads.

A selection of all sorts of advertisements:

Example #1 of a mildly awkward advertisement.

Not like stereotypical representations of tribes people and a Rich Uncle Pennybags toting a gun is uncomfortable or anything.

Example #2.

Not sure if Dr. Seuss just said all women are kind of ugly.

Example #3.

Those Bavarians will stick damn near anything in their hats.
























Full Dr. Seuss Advertising Database at UCSD.

Take a left at Brooks Brothers, stay to the right at the Stephen Hawking innuendo, and it'll be the first blog straight ahead.

Time again to take a look at what search terms people are using to find The Toolbox out there on the interwebs.

These are actual search terms, according to Google's webmaster tools, that people have used to find The Toolbox in the past few days. True story.

1.) "brooks brothers"

Because if anyone screams elitist wannabe prep, it's me, man.

2.) "huge 6 pack"

Beer or abs? Because I can help with one, but not the other.

3.) "abs with big d*ck"

Ah, nope. I'm going to guess the "huge 6 pack" above is referring to abs then.

4.) "nude babes"

Somehow, a blog entry on Dr. Seuss now attracts pervy folk.

5.) "stephen hawking sex"

((head-in-hands)) I don't know what the hell's happening.

"I attempted to draw the sexiest babes I could, but they came out looking absurd."

So said Theodor Geisel--better known as Dr. Seuss, who would've turned 108 years old today.

In 1939, after leaving publisher Vanguard for Random House, Seuss told his new publisher he wanted to distribute an "adult" book first. "Adult" is put into quotes because it's hard to call something adult when it's technically a comic, of which every naked character is lacking nipples.

Nonetheless, released it was. The Seven Lady Godivas: The True Facts Concerning History's Barest Family came out in 1939, and was an immediate flop. Out of 10,000 copies printed, only 2,500 sold.

Why was it a flop? Well, the drawings looked exactly like how you'd expect Dr. Seuss to draw them. Picture the Cat in the Hat as a bodice-ripping hunk, and you sort of see where it gets odd. Judge for yourself, as here's one of the drawings from the book:

Those, my friends, are "the sexiest babes" Dr. Seuss could think of. I'm pretty certain the middle one plays linebacker for the Patriots. The one on the right might be Voltaire. And the white haired one has a striking resemblance to nearly everyone's grandma. If you think your grandma is a smoke show, well, good luck to you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going try my best to read The Lorax without pretending it's really Wilford Brimley in the nude.

Girl speed reads Dr. Seuss.

For those of you who've always thought that Dr. Seuss was a little too time-consuming to read:

I'm pretty certain she just slurs her way through after the first 30 seconds. But being a Dr. Seuss book, it all sounds the same no matter the speed.

Dr. Seuss was crafty.

It can be said the last thing Dr. Seuss ever did was write children's books. Take Yertle the Turtle. That's about Hitler. (Although it's Hitler minus the Holocaust. There's no real subtle way to reinterpret that into a children's book.)

And The Butter Battle Book? That's about the Cold War. (Although not about how cold the butter is in your Frigidaire.)

Mental Floss Magazine has a rundown of ten stories behind Dr. Seuss's books. The Lorax? About environmentalism. Horton Hears a Who!? Often used in abortion arguments. If I Ran the Zoo? It's responsible for first publishing the word "nerd."

Nerd? Really, Dr. Seuss? Really?? Well, at least you knew your target audience.

Stieg Larsson is really living the high life.

It's the hope of every writer to become rich and famous. And if you can accomplish that while alive, even better.

This brings us to the case of Stieg Larsson.

Stieg wrote a collection of crime novels, most famous of which was all the rage with the inked-up literate set, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

Now Stieg is famous. And apparently filthy rich. As in really rich. As in he should always get the check if you go out to dinner. As in make-sure-you-get-lobster-when-you-go-out-to-dinner-with-him-and-while-you're-at-it-order-a-few-desserts-too kind of rich.

Stieg is also dead.

Forbes Magazine says he's the sixth richest dead celebrity, which is akin to saying you're the sixth fastest comatose athlete. It sounds good and all, but it loses a little in translation.

Dead writers are making a killing. They make up nearly 1/3 of the thirteen on the list. This includes...

3.) J.R.R. Tolkien: Behind only Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley. Tolkien raked in $50 million last year. Just goes to prove that if he could dance he'd have made more money.

4.) Charles Schultz: The creator of Charlie Brown--sure, it's a stretch to say he's a writer. But someone had to write those killer ampersands of angst in those little thought balloons over Linus's head.

7.) Dr. Seuss: Horton hears a sweet retirement check being delivered in his mailbox.

John Lennon was #5 on the list. If Schultz counts as a writer, than I guess Lennon should count, too. Sure, he didn't write anything good after 1968--but, eh, whatever. We'll just consider him the songwriting version of JD Salinger. Plus, he died violently. If Stieg were alive, he'd probably make a novel out of it.