94-year old woman graduates college with a 4.0 GPA.

Amy Craton started college and slowly worked toward a degree until she was 40-years old. She stopped in 1962 when she divorced her husband, went back to work, and raised her children.

Now retired and living in Hawaii, Craton decided to finish her college degree at the age of 94.

Hard of hearing and confined largely to a wheelchair, Craton enrolled in online courses at Southern New Hampshire University for no other reason than she used to live in New England many years ago, so she felt nostalgic.

"I couldn’t see just sitting there watching Netflix all the time," she said in a video provided by SNHU.

Netflix has hit a new low when elderly people confined to their wheelchairs want nothing to do with you--but I digress.

Craton told The Today Show that the hardest part was finishing assignments before deadlines with the time difference between Hawaii and New Hampshire, which required her to stay awake well past her bedtime. That said, she doesn't regret completing her degree.

"It feels good to graduate, to finish that part of my life," Craton told the university in a video they posted online. "But I feel that I’m still on the road."

SNHU president Paul LeBlanc flew from New Hampshire to Hawaii to personally deliver Craton her diploma and hold a surprise party.

And as for a graduate degree now? Oh, she's going for that now. No sense in stopping just because she's 94.

"As long as I get good grades, I’ll be happy," she said.

Getting good grades probably won't be a problem.




photo:  Diana Bowen / Southern New Hampshire University

Forget the graduation video. Israeli sixth graders accidentally receive porn DVD instead.

In honor of National Hug Day, sixth graders at an elementary school in Haifa were to receive a commemorative DVD of their graduation ceremony. It was supposed to be the type of video that makes soccer moms and grandparents alike fan themselves from excitement.

Except an excitement of a different sort popped up on the video--excitement in the form of hardcore porn. Apparently there was a whole different form of hugging going on.

According to The Jerusalem Post, the school claims the DVD maker created the graduation ceremony video on used pornographic discs which left in scenes from various--uhh--lusty movies.

Parents have been aghast. "This is a scandal," said one.

Damn right. Who gets their dirty movies on DVD anymore?

100-year old Massachusetts woman finally becomes a high school graduate.

Clare Picciuto has lived a long life and a good life. One hundred years long, to be exact, which means she was just a teenager when the Great Depression began.

When the Depression started, Picciuto's family told her she had to quit school and get a job to support the family. According to Boston's WCVB, Picciuto's brothers were allowed to go to school, but not her--and that didn't sit well with Clare. "I didn't like it, because women should have education, too," Picciuto told the station.

Lacking formal education while she worked sewing curtains in a factory, Picciuto turned to encyclopedias and the dictionary and became self-taught.

"We'd pick up another big word and we'd find the meaning of it. And I tried to speak well if I could," she said--which, should be noted, she spoke well.

As her 100th birthday approached, Picciuto's daughter, Deborah, sought out the local school district and told them of the circumstance.

North Reading (MA) Public Schools Superintendent Jon Bernard presented Clare with her high school graduation tassels and a diploma while she busied herself with a bingo game.

"I told her that, in my opinion, her life experiences alone had earned her the honor tassel and diploma," Bernard said. "Clare was so articulate, sharp and positive. She is truly representative of all the things we should aspire to be."

When read the decree of being awarded her diploma, Clare mentioned it felt good, sat in joy, beamed and said, "I graduated!"

Nah. She graduated in those factories all those decades ago. The world is just catching up to her now.




Photo: WCVB

Ryan Seacrest is an American hero.

It's college commencement season, which means it's that delightful time of year when everyone baking in the midday sun catches heatstroke while desperately trying not to nod off during a lengthy speech about changing the world, living your dreams, yada, yada, yada. Commencement speeches are a lot like those "inspirational" quotes your annoying friend on Facebook posts, only fifteen minutes longer:

This should inspire you to try and use a comma better.

Some colleges and universities actually pay for their commencement speakers though. The idea of an honorary degree from, say, a Columbia or Yale is enough to lure most anyone to speak for free. Lesser known universities, especially state universities, can't woo big names though, not unless the wooing comes with a briefcase of cash.

Take, for instance, the University of Houston, which paid retired astronaut hero Scott Kelly $35,000 this year to speak at their commencement, according to the Associated Press. This was practically fun money for the school, which spent $166,000 last year on Matthew McConaughey to speak, plus an extra $9,500 for his airfare. To be fair, McConaughey donated the speaking fee, but the airfare cost wasn't, and the school still ponied up the fee regardless if it went to charity.

Likewise, Kean University in New Jersey reportedly spent $40,000 on its 2016 commencement speaker, Brandon Stanton. If you know who Brandon Stanton is, odds are you're his grandmother--and that's just adorable. (Hey, Grandma!) For the rest of America, Brandon Stanton is the founder of HONY--the website/social media creation better known as Humans of New York. Kean University also spent an additional $40,000 on having its own retired astronaut speak, too. Mark Kelly, the twin brother of Scott Kelly, was Kean's second speaker--proving once and for all that being the second fiddle sibling doesn't mean you get the second fiddle speaking fee.

"Our students worked very hard, and they deserve it," said Margaret McCorry, a spokeswoman for Kean University, to the Associated Press. "It makes their commencement just that much more memorable." Imagine how memorable it might be if you actually knew who the person was beforehand!

The University of Texas at Austin paid $3,300 for its alumnus, Darren Walker, to come back last year to speak. Walker is the president of the second largest philanthropic organization in America, The Ford Foundation. The $3,300 was spent on Walker's two night stay at the Four Seasons Hotel, which covered a $450 spa tab. Philanthropy apparently starts at home.

The University of Georgia paid $22,000 to charter a private plane for ABC news anchor Amy Robach to come on down. This is reasonable when you consider only 216,000 people fly in and out of Atlanta every day at the world's busiest airport, so it's not as if she could have found a Delta or United flight connecting there.

All of this brings us to Ryan Seacrest. The most ubiquitous human being in America is apparently also the most sensible about commencement matters. This past week he returned to his alma mater, the University of Georgia, free of charge to speak at their graduation.

Whereas Toni Morrison once charged Rutgers University $30,000 for her to scowl for twenty minutes, Ryan Bleepin' Seacrest flashed his polished Chiclets for free--and was probably more memorable to a bunch of twenty-somethings in the audience than Toni Morrison will ever be.

But imagine how much Ryan Seacrest could charge if he was a semi-famous retired astronaut.

96-year old becomes oldest graduate from USC.

Wait, hold up. What happened?

It was all sort of an oversight.

You know how it goes. It's 1953. You think you just graduated from the University of Southern California. You're in the process of founding your own soil company that you'll oversee for the next 55 years, so you need to skip commencement ceremonies.

There's just a small problem. You're one unit short of a bachelor's degree, you never really graduated, and no one will find out you don't actually have that degree until you're 96-years old. Even you won't find out until your family goes poking around for a copy. That's when they're told it doesn't exist.

Such is the case of one Alfonso Gonzales, who is now the oldest-ever graduate of USC, after he took an independent study course to earn one unit that was separating him from a bachelor's degree, sixty-three years after the fact.

Soil, man. Mother Nature's granular vixen. It's distracted lesser men.

Kentucky governor isn't a fan of French literature.

Mongolia, not Kentucky.

Molière and Alexandre Dumas might want to sit down for this one.

The bastion of great intellect that we've all come to associate with the state of Kentucky is frowning at the idea of students graduating with degrees in French literature.

In a speech about proposed budge spending, Kentucky Gov. Mike Bevin argued that the state's colleges and universities aren't producing enough students with degrees for "things people want." Bevin wants to allocate tax money in proportion to graduation rates within programs. In essence, a school that graduates more electrical engineers will receive more funding than a school with higher numbers of Molière enthusiasts.

"All the people in the world that want to study French literature can do so, they are just not going to be subsidized by the taxpayer," said Bevin.

And Bevin should know what sort of "things people want" in a degree, since he received his bachelors in East Asian Studies.

Yes, yes--because when we think of Kentucky politics, we often think of the relationship to Mongolia and the like. I'm still stunned whenever I travel to Louisville and don't see a yurt.

Who would win the NCAA tournament based on graduation rates?

It's that time of year again when bookies and soccer moms once again acknowledge each others presence and start betting on the NCAA basketball tournament--a.k.a.: March Madness.

Tiny schools like Hampton or Lafayette stand little chance of winning it all, while powerhouses like Kentucky and Kansas mow them down.

But how different would things look if the tournament was based on graduation rates?

Every year, Education Week recreates the March Madness bracket doing just that, using various metrics regarding graduation rates and academic progress to gauge which school in the basketball tournament actually seems to care about...well...school. This year, they've done it again, and a little school comes out on top.

That's right--little known Belmont wins this year's bracket for being the school that actually cares about being a school.

In case you're wondering, Belmont has little-to-no chance of winning the actual basketball tournament. One website doesn't even offer odds for Belmont winning it all, but gives them 500/1 odds of winning their region.

Another site acknowledges Belmont exists and says they have 1000/1 odds of winning everything.

1000...to 1.

So they have a chance.



Bracket: Education Week

Graduating college students are complaining about commencement speakers, so commencement speakers are cancelling.

Former University of California, Berkeley Chancellor Robert Birgeneau was scheduled to deliver a commencement address to Haverford College--in what can only be described as one of the more disappointing headlining commencement speakers in 2014. ("Hey, kids! We booked an official from another university to speak to you! And, to up the sexy, they're now unemployed!")

Some students at Haverford weren't too thrilled with the selection of Birgeneau, and not because they were hoping for A-list talent. A small group of Haverford students wrote Birgeneau to complain about his oversight of UC Berkeley during the Occupy Movement, when Birgeneau eventually demanded arrests be made after protesters ignored the co-camping rules of occupying Berkeley campus space. Regardless, some Haverford students found Birgeneau's response to be reprehensible, and demanded he step down as a commencement speaker.

He did.

Birgeneau isn't alone. In 2014, notable commencement speakers like former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and International Monetary Fund Managing Director Christine Lagarde, among others, have withdrawn as speakers at graduating ceremonies this year after students at respective colleges protested their involvement.

In case you think this is a matter of politics, of liberal versus conservative beliefs, think again. The Los Angeles Times (of a liberal bent) derided the students who demanded such commencement speakers step down, writing in an editorial:


"Still, the cascade of canceled speeches is worrying for several reasons. First, there is the uncompromising nature of the opposition: the demand that a speaker agree 100% with the protesters. This insistence on doctrinal purity is antithetical to the notion that a university ought to be an environment in which students, far from being protected from opposing views, are challenged to engage with them."


Let's face facts. The real challenge here for students was having to listen to Robert Birgeneau for twenty minutes.

And with that, we've officially exhausted the number of 106-year olds without a high school diploma.

In case you had serious doubts, according to FindTheData.org there's roughly a 48% chance of a 106-year old person dying within the next year. So, time is tight.

Pennsylvania's Reba Williams is 106-years old. And, like 106-year old Fred Butler of Massachusetts, Reba Williams lacked a high school diploma.

Reba's reason was much different than Fred's. Having completed all twelve grades of education, Reba apparently refused to read a book that was assigned to her in the 12th grade. What book, she won't say--but her transgression was enough to not allow her to graduate.

According to daughter Lavata Williams, her mom said "the book was not worth reading and she'd already read it once and didn't like it and wasn't going to read it again."

Fast-forward to 2012, and the Mount Vernon (PA) Board of Education awarded Reba Williams her diploma nearly 90-years after the fact.

Upon being told she the good news, Reba's reply was succinct. "That's nice," she said.

Everything is kind of anticlimactic when you're 106-years old.





photo: MansfieldNewsJournal.com

106-year old Massachusetts man finally receives high school diploma.

Fred Butler quit school in eighth grade in order to work and support his family, but always regretted never attaining his high school diploma. The mayor of Beverly, MA, offered Butler--Beverly's oldest citizen--a diploma last week.

At this current pace, Butler should earn his Bachelor's degree when he's 263 years old.









photo: Boston.com

Everyone knows it was JFK who was more into pubic affairs.

Recently, the University of Texas had a whoopsie moment.

It seems they had a typo on the commencement booklet for their Lyndon B. Johnson School of Public Affairs, as shown here:

Making sure no one took this lightly, the University of Texas apologized. "Our deepest apologies to our 2012 graduates for the egregious typo in our program. We are working to distribute corrected programs."

Assistant Dean Susan Bidford continued the mea culpa overload. "Obviously, we are mortified. It's beyond embarrassing. As soon as we realized the mistake...everybody went into overdrive and we went to work to reprint it."

Just to recap for anyone not paying attention to the nuance in this story: nothing major happened. It's a typo on a college commencement program. That's all. You see sexier and raunchier things when Mr. Rogers takes his shoes off on PBS.


photo: Twitter, Evan Smith

Memories from College Graduation--#3

With many colleges and universities holding commencement ceremonies this weekend, I look back on my own undergrad graduation:

My graduation dinner consisted of a late night trip to Panera before it closed.

I didn't have to pay.

Memories from College Graduation--#2

With many colleges and universities holding commencement ceremonies this weekend, I look back on my own undergrad graduation:

The school couldn't find a special commencement speaker, so the college president gave a speech instead.

In a great moment of candor, the graduating class was told for fifteen minutes how we were entering the worst economy since our grandparents were babies. That many of us would struggle to find jobs. That life would be hard and dreams would be put on hold or never happen at all. But, hey, good luck out there!

A young woman sitting beside me: "Jesus, I'm depressed. I need a drink."

Memories from College Graduation--#1

With many colleges and universities holding commencement ceremonies this weekend, I look back on my own undergrad graduation:

My undergrad institution held it at night in the school gymnasium under basketball netting, in what, I presume, was an attempt to recreate all the magic of a high school graduation ceremony but with half the enthusiasm. About 1% of the faculty showed up.

I was given a t-shirt three sizes too large from the school. Today, I wear it as a summer dress, a sexy mini.

The 10 Most Educated Countries in the World...

...are pretty much what you'd expect.

Moving on...

Nigerian newborn has a diploma and makes $150 a month.

He's been making $150 since before he was born.

Some say it's Nigerian corruption run amuck.

Others say Nigerian fetuses are just whizzes at math.

Gender gap in college widens.

Report says American women graduate from college far more than men. And the gap increases every year. Women now make up 60% of all graduate students, too.

What does this mean for America?

(((shrugs shoulders)))

Damned if I know. More mechanics and refrigerator repair specialists? Those men have to be doing something.

The Wall Street Journal is helpful.

You know all those times your father gets red in the face because you chose to go to a no-name state school instead of a semi-known private school? Now you can tell him to get his blood pressure in check. A poll shows that odds are your school's name barely matters. Plus, heart disease is a killer, so he should exercise more. (Health tips are always free from me!)

The Wall Street Journal polled 10,700 college graduates and asked: "How important was your undergraduate school's reputation and connections to your current job/career success?"



The percentage of respondents saying it was?

Environmental engineering - 59%
Civil engineering - 57%
Engineering - 51%   (I'm noticing a trend)
Chemical engineering - 47%

In fact, only three majors reported over 50% in the affirmative, and other than business, all the leading majors are math-based.

English majors? Only 35%.

Of course, the WSJ goes on to say that most majors outside of math/science don't end up working in that field. You mean all those Russian Art History majors aren't deciphering the history of Russian art after graduation? (((gasp)))

Just don't tell your father that. What he doesn't know won't kill him.

America's smartest cities are also none too bright.

Mark Twain said there were lies, damned lies, and statistics. Mark Twain was also potentially psychic. Just throwing that out there.

CNN and Yahoo came out with a list of American cities with the highest percentage of citizens with bachelor's degrees. According to this news piece, these places are the "smartest" and "brainiest" places to live.

"Brainiest" is one of those things people say when they don't know what else to call "smart." It conjures images of an amateur sleuth solving murder mysteries--kind of like Angela Lansbury in Murder, She Wrote, except with less osteoporosis and no prune juice.

Does graduating with an undergrad degree actually equal intelligence for a population? Sure, if you completely disregard other facts.

See, look at that:
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It says New York City is the 10th smartest city in America.

Except this other news story from USA Today says NYC is also only one of three major American cities that fails to graduate 40% of its population from high school.

Huh.

My guess? New Yorkers are pretty brainy on how to avoid the truant officer.

Less pomp, more circumstance.

Congratulations, boys and girls of the class of 2009! Through your hard work (or laziness), dedication (or indifference), and financial perseverance (or parents' money and care packages) you've made it through college.

Let's break down the obvious next few steps in your life during and immediately following this momentous occasion:

1.) Caps and gowns can only be worn once. Like a wedding dress, a prom dress, or your birthday suit (hey, oh!), you'll never get a chance to wear the same one again. Make sure you get your $50 worth out of that outfit. Turn the gown into a summer skirt or a light shawl. Men can turn their gowns into a saucy pair of pantaloons. Mortarboard seem useless? Its flat surface will work as a great alternative to a serving tray at a restaurant when you work to make ends meet.

2.) Odds are you come from on of two types of friends and family circles. One type of circle will give you large quantities of cash for graduating, as if you're a Colombian drug smuggler with a penchant for cheap gold jewelry and pinkie rings. Don't dissuade these people from lavishing you with these gifts. In fact, encourage them to keep the gravy train flowing. Cry poor mouth. Are you mom and dad's only child? Make sure to subtly remind them you could die at any moment from swine flu or from an accident in your poorly assembled American made car. Odds are your parents fear two things: your untimely demise, or that you'll embarrass them in life with your shoddy work ethic and party lifestyle. Guarantee them that large sums of cash will assure neither of those will happen.

The other friends and family circle is the type that will show up to your graduation and then bail before they're forced to give you anything. Don't expect money. Don't expect a gift. Don't even expect a $2.99 card with a "Follow your dreams!" message. The only thing to expect is a night out for some fast food by yourself followed by quietly hoping you're adopted.

3.) If you enjoy stereotypes (and I know you do!), there's a good chance you'll take a vacation somewhere. Slinging on a backpack and going to Europe is always a popular choice. If foreign linguistics scare you, the Englands and Irelands of the world await you with almost-coherent English spoken.

If you like your exotic European locales, but only enjoy ones you can associate with cheap American restaurants, then Italy is for you! According to Pizza Hut commercials, even Italians love cheap American versions of Italian food these days.

Just want to wear a bikini/Speedo on a beach? Deals to Mexico can be had for a steal these days.

4.) If you're a do-gooder with a traveling jones, then the next step in life might possibly be visiting some third world nation, where a Sally Struther's lookalike awaits you to help feed the children. It can be a Travel Channel experience blended with a Mother Teresa vibe that is second to none. Since you've just graduated college, you've already established you're not afraid of commitment for at least a few years, and most of these do-gooder programs demand one to two years of your time. Did you just have an ugly break-up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Is the prospect of living at home with your parents not enticing? This might be the route in life to take!

5.) If you're someone who is too poor to travel, or just a xenophobic with a fear of flying, then it's time to jump right into that job hunt! Congratulations on graduating into the worst economy since your grandparents were swaddled in diapers.

There are a few words everyone throw around these days, so it's best if you know what to say. "Networking" is a popular word and is all the rage. Facebook, job fairs, random weddings, hob-knobbing with the homeless people in parks are all forms of networking. Getting a coffee at Starbucks? Ask the barista for their number and if they know any job contacts. When you have conversations with nosy adults with steady jobs who ask you about your job hunt, tell them you're networking passionately and are really making connections. This can be a total lie, but it makes it sound like you're trying if you say it in an upbeat voice.

6.) Got a job interview lined up? Dress the part. Those pantaloons you made out of your graduation gown? Not a good choice. That "Colege" t-shirt you wear to look ironic? Not going to be a winner. Possible employers want to make sure your soul is already dying and don't want to see any imagination alive in you. Business attire straight off the Macy's clearance rack will work nicely, and shows the assimilation is underway within you! When in doubt, always go for the cotton/poly blends. Though rayon works in a jiffy.

7.) Miss those days of college when your biggest concern was trying to get to your 9:30am American Lit class only 10 minutes late? Try to relive those days while battling traffic on the way to your new job. Try to keep your lateness to 10 to 15 minutes, tops. If your new boss asks why you're late, tell him there was an accident or construction crews working. Or combine the two and say there was an accident with construction crews. Don't let your imagination run wild though. Remember, employers don't like that.

8.) And when all else fails and you wonder if this whole college thing was worth it, realize that with your shiny new degree you can always go around and tell people you're educated. Not smart necessarily, but at least educated. After all, where else did you learn to make those pantaloons?