Stephen King = eye candy

When you think of authors/writers, you don't often have the image of "sexy looking." Sure, they might have a sexy brain, a sexy imagination, or a sexy way with words. Yet few writers exist that make people stop and think they're physically sexy.

This is probably why they're writers to begin with. If you're getting by in life on your good looks you're probably not sitting down eight hours a day to write a book. Stephen King isn't going to be asked to model. The only publication he'd be asked to pose for would be American Funeral Director Magazine. (You think I jest. American Funeral Director Magazine does exist. You can find it...here. I don't know about you, but whenever I want a little light reading I know what I'll be kicking back with from now on. Maybe they have a funeral themed soduku puzzle in there, just to keep things lively.)

Of course, this topic annoys people. "Why do writers need to be good looking?? You're shallow!" Simmer down there, Champ. This is just purely conversation. Hey, some people think George Clooney is smart. There are rumors going around that he's good looking, too. So, if actors can be labeled both smart and attractive, why not an author?

Some friends of mine debated this topic, because, yes, we are horribly shallow individuals down deep. No one could conjure up a good looking author off the top of their head. A Google search for "sexy authors" was equally helpful. The very first search result is "Why can't authors be physically sexy?" Apparently this is a popular topic then.

Some people from that search result site suggested the following authors as sexy. (All names are links to photos/wikis of the writer.) Sadly, I think many of those people are afflicted with cataracts.

And the supposedly sexy authors are:

Paul Auster: Ok, so he looks like Gomez Addams from The Addams Family. But I bet he could give Stephen King a run for his money for American Funeral Directors Magazine.

D.H. Lawrence: At the age of 21, Lawrence was baby faced and fresh looking. We writers had potential for an honest-to-god good looking writer to point to. Then by the time he was 40 he looked like he would be holed-up in a Montana shack with a shotgun. So much for that.

Jean Rhys: Generally only two types of photos exist of her for popular opinion: the young ingenue, head cradled in hands, Mona Lisa smile, circa 1915. Or elderly grandma. If sexy can be 80 years old, by all means, we have a winner.

David Foster Wallace: Great if you like the Jesus vibe. Also, Wallace committed suicide, so that's kind of a downer.

Arthur Rimbaud: Fantastic if you like the "robbing the cradle" look. It looks like Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator will be knocking on your door at any moment.

Norman Mailer: He's a popular choice with people as a sexy author from history. Sorry, I can't go with this. He looks like any Florida retiree from Del Boca Vista waiting for The Sizzler to open for the early bird special. You say he was married six times--he had to be hot! I say that was because his wives realized their mistake.

Isabel Allende: Looks like she went to the Danielle Steele school of photography.

Vendela Vida: Poor thing. It would appear she has no facial muscles. She seems incapable of smiling. But if you twist your head upside down and make her perpetual frowns look like she's smiling then it's an improvement.

John Grisham: He'll never get laugh lines with his constant smirking, so that's a plus. I just feel like he knows a secret about me that he isn't telling.

Jhumpa Lahiri: ...annnnnnd she might be our only sure thing.

Oh, who are we kidding. Why deny it and pretend it can't be him?

Stephen King wins. Grr, baby! Grr!