Most everyone who replies to Craigslist ads is a cunning literary master.

I recently looked to downsize in life, like any wannabe writer who wants the wind at their back, a view of far away worlds, exotic marketplaces where danger and intrigue could be around any corner, or...ehhh, kind of like I can't believe I have this crap filling a closet.

So I looked to ditch some of my old electronics--a couple laptops, printers, a desktop, a television--all from my college years and running on dust, much like me. Craigslist seemed quickest--and a jaunty little ad was placed by me.

My thoughts are added just now in brackets below, but these are some of the responses, all verbatim in structure and grammar and spacing, to...

Free television, desktop, two laptops, and two printers

1.) Rosendo:

I pick up
Please
Let me know

[Haiku responses is a rarely used approach.]


2.) Jess:

Hi i'm interested can i pick up tomorrow after 12 please?

[Everyone is so polite! And lacking a basic English education! But Mama raised 'em right!]


3.) Maria:

Would appreciate laptop and printer

[I'd appreciate a period.]


4.) Jane O:

Hello, I'm responding to an ad you have on Craig's list. Says you have 2 laptops if  is still available and works fine i'll be glad to take them both. I live close by.

Let me know. thanks I will be able to pick them up what ever time works for you. most likely tomorrow since is a little late now.

Thanks,
Jane

[We all admit that when "Craigslist" becomes "Craig's list" things become a little creepier, no?]


5.) Anonymous:

I am interested in he laptop and such, can you please give me an address where I can pick them up?

[Admittedly, I usually assign genders only to my larger appliances, like refrigerators.]


6.) Joseph:

When are these available for pick up?

[I kindly offered him a time range, when, suddenly, a man named George contacts me through the same email address...:]

George:

if u still got the laptops  please text me at...

[Whoa-whoa-whoa, George is muscling in!!!  Listen, keep your brotherly laptop lust issues between yourselves.]


7.) Donald:

I'm very interested for the items

[Sorry, Donald--I only give away free gifts like Bob Barker if they're exceptionally interested. Nonetheless, I emailed Donald and told him the laptops are gone. So Donald replied...]

Donald:

Really wanted the laptop cause I repairs them but it's ok I'm all set thanks

[Donald, I think we need a good look in the mirror and to ask the question hanging heavy here: How interested were you at all?]


8.) Kathy:

Can I have these please the 2 laptop and printers

[True story: I actually was away from the computer for two minutes, hadn't seen her first email, when she follows up...]

Kathy:

Please can I have  thesecwa mm t to take a course to fix computer and phone will come in handy please and the printers please

[Good lord, did Kathy just have a stroke mid-email while waiting? Is she okay? What happened there? KATHY, ARE YOU ALIVE?!?]


9.) Linda:

Hi my name is Linda I could pick up everything you got there but the TV the TV is the one thing that I don't need how ever I can pick up everything else tomorrow morning after traffic hour [phone number deleted] call text or email me if they're still available

[Why does this email sound like it should be read in a smoky voice? Like some private detective met some dame at a gin joint where they share a cigarette?]


10.) R S:

hi, i am interested in the two laptops. I can pick them tomorrow afternoon. Pl. confirm. thanks

[Were you running out of steam there, buddy? I didn't know "Pl." was a universally accepted abbreviation for please. I thought that was puppy dog eyes and a pouty lip.]


11.) Kader:

Hi!

May I have the HP laptop and HP printer?

Thanks!

KAM.

[BAM!!!]


12.) Classie Trashie:

Interested in computer stuff

[She had me at Classie. But romance blossomed at Trashie.]

Cam Newton went back to college, but he doesn't look too thrilled.

Cam Newton won the college football national championship in 2011 when he was a junior at Auburn University--and then immediately declared himself heading to the NFL.

He signed a $22 million contract with the Carolina Panthers, while stating he'd always go back and finish his senior year at Auburn. This past April, Carolina picked up an option year on his contract worth an extra $14 million.

But back to school Newton has gone--and a fellow student, Ryan Daly, snapped this photo and posted it on Twitter, showing just how enthused Newton is to be back at school:

The struggle is real.




Photo: Ryan Daly's Twitter

George Clooney: Russell Crowe sent a book of his poetry after calling me a sellout.

Because when two famous A-listers act like two cats in a bag and have public spats, they settle it like a Taylor Swift song.

In the latest Esquire, George Clooney says that after Russell Crowe called him a "sellout," he apologized by sending Clooney a book of his poetry. Not stopping there, Crowe also sent a CD of his music.

I assume, after this, Crowe picked Clooney up in his mom's car and they went to Friendly's for a fribble.

Nationwide college enrollment dropped by a half million students in 2012.

Some experts claim the drop stems from a stronger economy creating more jobs, while others assert the rising cost of tuition is to blame. Statisticians don't know the real reason.

This makes me wish I grew up to be a statistician. I'd casually point to facts while shrugging my shoulders and say in a serious, but disappointed voice, "Statistics are made up of numbers, but I don't know what they mean." People would pay me a salary for my lack of insight and math.

It's like being a meteorologist, except you don't need to have a face for television.

Dictionary.com says 'whom' usage has dropped by half in 200 years.

Don't blame me. I always speak properly and in an arrogant tone.

And U.S. News & World Report's Best College of 2013 Is...

...the same as it always is.

Harvard, Princeton, Yale, blah blah blah. The regular Buffy and Giles jamokes.

The first state school comes in at #24--and even then it's Berkeley.

The University of Phoenix? Still getting no love.

Books: More interesting than Kansas City Royals baseball action.

The Kansas City Royals have been terrible since the 1980s. Really bad. Jodi Piccoult kind of bad.

This year they're taking bad to a new level. The Royals have lost the first 10 home games on the new season, the worst home start for any baseball team since 1913.

Which explains this guy:

That's a $249 seat behind home plate, and the man is reading Zero Day by David Baldacci.

In case you don't know, David Baldacci kind of...sucks.

Of course, so do the Royals.

HuffPo: The 10 Most Intellectual Colleges

Eh.