Most everyone who replies to Craigslist ads is a cunning literary master.

I recently looked to downsize in life, like any wannabe writer who wants the wind at their back, a view of far away worlds, exotic marketplaces where danger and intrigue could be around any corner, or...ehhh, kind of like I can't believe I have this crap filling a closet.

So I looked to ditch some of my old electronics--a couple laptops, printers, a desktop, a television--all from my college years and running on dust, much like me. Craigslist seemed quickest--and a jaunty little ad was placed by me.

My thoughts are added just now in brackets below, but these are some of the responses, all verbatim in structure and grammar and spacing, to...

Free television, desktop, two laptops, and two printers

1.) Rosendo:

I pick up
Please
Let me know

[Haiku responses is a rarely used approach.]


2.) Jess:

Hi i'm interested can i pick up tomorrow after 12 please?

[Everyone is so polite! And lacking a basic English education! But Mama raised 'em right!]


3.) Maria:

Would appreciate laptop and printer

[I'd appreciate a period.]


4.) Jane O:

Hello, I'm responding to an ad you have on Craig's list. Says you have 2 laptops if  is still available and works fine i'll be glad to take them both. I live close by.

Let me know. thanks I will be able to pick them up what ever time works for you. most likely tomorrow since is a little late now.

Thanks,
Jane

[We all admit that when "Craigslist" becomes "Craig's list" things become a little creepier, no?]


5.) Anonymous:

I am interested in he laptop and such, can you please give me an address where I can pick them up?

[Admittedly, I usually assign genders only to my larger appliances, like refrigerators.]


6.) Joseph:

When are these available for pick up?

[I kindly offered him a time range, when, suddenly, a man named George contacts me through the same email address...:]

George:

if u still got the laptops  please text me at...

[Whoa-whoa-whoa, George is muscling in!!!  Listen, keep your brotherly laptop lust issues between yourselves.]


7.) Donald:

I'm very interested for the items

[Sorry, Donald--I only give away free gifts like Bob Barker if they're exceptionally interested. Nonetheless, I emailed Donald and told him the laptops are gone. So Donald replied...]

Donald:

Really wanted the laptop cause I repairs them but it's ok I'm all set thanks

[Donald, I think we need a good look in the mirror and to ask the question hanging heavy here: How interested were you at all?]


8.) Kathy:

Can I have these please the 2 laptop and printers

[True story: I actually was away from the computer for two minutes, hadn't seen her first email, when she follows up...]

Kathy:

Please can I have  thesecwa mm t to take a course to fix computer and phone will come in handy please and the printers please

[Good lord, did Kathy just have a stroke mid-email while waiting? Is she okay? What happened there? KATHY, ARE YOU ALIVE?!?]


9.) Linda:

Hi my name is Linda I could pick up everything you got there but the TV the TV is the one thing that I don't need how ever I can pick up everything else tomorrow morning after traffic hour [phone number deleted] call text or email me if they're still available

[Why does this email sound like it should be read in a smoky voice? Like some private detective met some dame at a gin joint where they share a cigarette?]


10.) R S:

hi, i am interested in the two laptops. I can pick them tomorrow afternoon. Pl. confirm. thanks

[Were you running out of steam there, buddy? I didn't know "Pl." was a universally accepted abbreviation for please. I thought that was puppy dog eyes and a pouty lip.]


11.) Kader:

Hi!

May I have the HP laptop and HP printer?

Thanks!

KAM.

[BAM!!!]


12.) Classie Trashie:

Interested in computer stuff

[She had me at Classie. But romance blossomed at Trashie.]