Hawaii needs to hire 1,600 teachers and is recruiting on the mainland for them.

Good news for SPAM fans and Don Ho enthusiasts: Hawaii needs to hire 1,600 teachers for the upcoming school year and has begun recruiting on the mainland United States for such personnel

Why? Because no one wants to teach in Hawaii.

It's true! Being a state made up of islands in the middle of an ocean limits the potential recruitment of future teachers just from a geographical sense, and paying teachers below the median national salary for the position doesn't much help matters. As a result, Hawaii often goes to the mainland United States to recruit more teachers every year.

Except that mainland recruitment often fails as well because of Hawaii's extremely high cost-of-living doesn't coincide well with being an underpaid teacher. Added into the mix of problems is that most recruits find themselves assigned to rural schools, which make up 16% of all schools on the islands.

So far Hawaii's recruiting efforts have focused on cities like Los Angeles, Chicago, New York City, and, uh, Newark. One can only assume people might be so desperate to leave Newark they'll take anything available.

Corey Rosenlee, president of the Hawaii State Teachers Association, tells Hawaii News Now it's never getting better. "[Mainland recruits] say, 'I can't live here' and they leave and we have to go back and recruit, and this cycle just continually happens."

And you thought SPAM was an acquired taste. Turns out the whole state of Hawaii is.

The Boston Globe teases, leaves people guessing.

Like much of the newspaper world, the Boston Globe has seen better days. But when they tweeted out a teaser the other day they received more attention since they broke open the Catholic church sex abuse scandal.

The front page we hope to never publish, unveiled this Sunday. Via @GlobeOpinion pic.twitter.com/EluP0GHi5T

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) April 8, 2016

This has led to half of Massachusetts and at least three Whalbergs and an Affleck to question what it might be.

ALL DUNKIN' DONUTS TO CLOSE

TOM BRADY RETIRES

LAST KNOWN LOBSTER PLUCKED FROM THE SEA

CLAM CHOWDER OUTLAWED

TRUMP PURCHASES GLOBE

It's probably going to be the Globe announcing its demise or going entirely online. Whatever it turns out to be, one thing is for certain. It can't be worse than CNN holding onto a one minute video they hope to never play.

The U.S. Army Band playing "Nearer My God To Thee" when the world is coming to an end:





Did CNN record that on Betamax? Did someone smear a cut potato and Vaseline on the lens? The Zapruder film is more crisp than this.

Prison is a great time to dive into self-help books, which is what El Chapo is doing these days.

Oh, no! El Chapo is in prison again!

When in prison a year ago, Mexican drug lord Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman was granted weekly four hour conjugal visits, complete with prison-supplied Viagra. Guzman's long been labeled as highly sexually driven.

But after a brief escape--which included a male-enhancement surgery in Tijuana--and inevitable return to prison, El Chapo is being stimulated in different ways these days behind bars: He's reading books.

Now with his schedule cleared from exhausting, ahem, visits, El Chapo has reportedly read Cervantes' Don Quixote, as well as American evangelical pastor Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?

Oooh, ooh, I know! I know! You're really terrible at evading capture!

One of Rick Warren's quotes from the book really rings true for El Chapo, specifically, "We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it."

Well, clearly, in some cases that's not true.

But I'm guessing evangelical American pastors and lusty Mexican drug lords don't always run in the same circles.






Why a kitten? Because.

Half the Boston College men's basketball team is sick from norovirus and a fast food jones.

Is that norovirus or deliciousness I see?

You can't deny how bloated invigorated you feel after good lord, did I just consume that? eating a Chipotle burrito. The damnit, where's the guacamole I paid extra for? even distribution of ingredients, the haphazardly thrown together care putting it together, the dried out chicken wonderful flavor explosion in your mouth always makes it a why did I go here again? memorable experience.

And for half the Boston College men's basketball team and 80 students overall, that memorable experience includes a flavor explosion of norovirus and the tender treble of stomachs gurgling in unison.

The team recently ate at a nearby Chipotle, and one after another have reported the delightful after-effects of some sort of food-born illness. Considering Chipotle being in the news lately for an E.coli outbreak they can't quite pin down, Boston College has warned all students to avoid the chain until further notice.

Yeah, but it's not often you can eat a 27 pound Chipotle burrito AND feel cleaned out at the same time. It's the little things in life.

Spelling whoopsies! We're all going to die!

Go big or go home!



Via: Deadspin

Mold and mildew > Islamic fundamentalists

Quick back story:
The west African country of Mali is going through a civil war--one of those long stories involving multiple groups that you can learn more about here--not the least of which involves Islamic fundamentalists whose distaste for the Mali government is only matched by their distaste for ancient texts.

Fast forward:
Islamic fundamentalists overrun a variety of northern Mali cities, including the old, fabled Timbuktu--which just happens to have a fantastic library of ancient manuscripts. These same fundamentalists find Timbuktu to have a blasphemous Islamic belief structure, and that sort of accusation means thousands upon thousands of ancient texts were doomed to destruction at the hands of these fundamentalists.

Fast Forward Forward:
Local families, historians, and librarians in Timbuktu remove 296,000 of the roughly 300,000 ancient manuscripts from Timbuktu before fundamentalists have a chance to destroy them.

The quirk to all of this? The ancient manuscripts were moved to southern Mali, known for its tropical climate, heavy rain, and high humidity--in essence, weather conditions so harsh and moist to rag paper products, they might destroy the ancient manuscripts before the fundamentalists ever had the chance.

So they've established a website trying to raise money to create better packing environments for the protection of the ancient texts during this turbulent time in Mali.

And that's why you should care.



/end non-sarcastic blog post.

Clemson University student kills fake turtle repeatedly, finds out humans are cruel.

Clemson University student Nathan Weaver has seen inside humanity's soul, and we're a sad sack of malicious turtle murderers.

Weaver wanted to know a better way for turtles to cross a road (which they do often, slowly). So Weaver used a lifelike rubber turtle to see how often drivers made an effort to run over an innocent, helpless (fake) turtle.

It turns out a lot.

Over the course of one hour on a fairly busy road, seven drivers swerved their car in an attempt to crush the rubber turtle. When Weaver moved his rubber reptile to a rural residential street, two members of suburbia had turtle homicide on their mind within an hour and tried their own brand of reptilian road rage.

So what explains humanity's desire to kill the harmless turtle who's crossing the road to get to a happy new pond? As professor Hal Herzog of Western Carolina University told the Associated Press, it's because humans are in need of feeling superior and dominant. We're also kind of sick.

"They aren't thinking, really. It is not something people think about. It just seems fun at the time," Herzog said. "It is the dark side of human nature."

As an aside, I drive down a busy road that has ponds dotting the entire length of it--and with it comes turtle crossings throughout the warmer months.

Last year I saw a small turtle trying to hoof it across four lanes of traffic to get to a new pond. I pulled my car aside, got out and waited to dart into the road when it was safe to grab the little guy and help him finish his jaunt.

Within seconds, a car swerved so they could drive over the turtle, crushing him.

I ran out and saw his shell flattened, fractured, his body bloodied, his life shortened as his little legs spasmed in the throws of death.

A turtle looking for a new home was killed by a human looking for fun on the way to their own.

This is why I prefer turtles.

Boston area bakery makes cookie résumés.

Cakes4Occasions knows that the economy has been tough for half a decade now, especially for college students, so they're looking to give you a leg up on the competition out there on the job market.

And what better way to tell people you mean business than with a sugar cookie detailing your proficiency with the Microsoft Office Suite.

Because if you can't win over a prospective employer with your credentials, win them over with butter-based products.

According to Cakes4Occasions:
We all know that in a tough economy jobseekers are looking for unique ways to cut through the clutter and get noticed. If you're among the many jobseekers out there than you know it's "crunch time". Lucky for you, we have a solution!

Than/Then...British grammar/American grammar, what's the dif? We'll ignore their snafus.

Let's look at a prospective cookie résumé:

When in the interview process do you hand this over to a potential employer? Does security escort you from the building, or do the police get called?

I do like the sprinkles though. That's a nice touch. Sprinkles make everything better.

Randomness Corner: Naked man found in Bavarian forest was a monk who mistakenly ate hallucinogenic wild berries.

"It remains a mystery how he became naked," says the report.

I'm just going to throw it out there that he took his clothes off. Just calling this one right now.

"A secret world of slaughter," report says of house cats' murderous rampage.

In a groundbreaking study, the University of Georgia has blown the lid off house cats and their apparent kindly demeanor. And what the study shows is chilling.

In short, Mr. Whiskers is a sociopathic serial killer who kills simply for the pleasure it brings. But he also loves him some belly rubs and kitty treats, too!

According to The USA Today, the University of Georgia placed small "kittycams" around an array of house cats that are normally let out at night from their homes. What they found exposed the seedy underbelly of criminal activity.

Channeling their inner Son of Sam, 30% of all outdoor house cats kill, often twice a week. Of those 30% who are homicidal maniacs, less than a quarter bring their murder victims home as a trophy to creep the living daylights out of you. Another 30% ate their prey, trying their best to justify a circle of life. But 49% killed simply for the pleasure of it--leaving their victim where it lay to rot, presumably with a cackle of laughter while twirling their whiskers.

According to wildlife advocates, Cuddles's penchant for murder is one reason why one in three American bird species is in decline.

The secret life of cats doesn't end there. It's a veritable sea of hedonism when Little Miss Meow-Meow spends the night on the town. The study reports cats are engaging in risky behaviors, too! 45% cross roadways (noo!), 25% eat and drink random things they come across (never!), 20% explore storm drains (maniacs!), and 20% explore tight, confined spaces where they could be trapped (insanity!). They're more apt to try this if they're younger and male, too.

First Mr. Whiskers was suicidal. Now he's homicidal.

Good God, get the kids in the house and lock the doors. You don't get this sort of danger from a ferret.

Professor declares earthquake made cats depressed and suicidal.

Cats have serious emotional issues. My old cat Lil' Kitty (real name) became moderate-sized kitty once she didn't like the new apartment I moved into and found food as the only comfort that could stop the hurt. It was a dark time in the life of Lil' Kitty, one of expanding waistlines and shrinking hope. It only snowballed from there, to the point of dependency on the wacky tobacky.*

This is all to say that a professor of veterinary sciences from Century University in the Turkish city of Van claims an earthquake last year in that city has turned countless felines into desperate suicidal kitties that are one bad night of drinking away from needing to be talked down from a ledge.

"After the quake that jolted Van, a large number of cats are throwing themselves from heights," said Dr. Abuzer Tas. "They are getting fidgety by remaining in confined areas for a long time, and they are throwing themselves out in order to free themselves."

And here I thought Lil' Kitty's addiction to Fancy Feast was a concern.



*She became addicted to catnip at one point. It became so bad that she figured out a way to open the kitchen drawer hiding the bag of catnip, pull it out, and generally trip the light fantastic everyday by herself while I was at work. The saddest part is that I enabled the addiction by going to a dealer (Petco) and buying more for her. I'm the reason she became a junky!

**Do professors keep databases for feline suicides? How do you know the cat flung itself off a ledge because it was suicidal and not just an adventurous cat with bad balance? Does the cat leave a note behind? Did it have conversations with its fellow felines about how despondent it felt? How does this work? We need answers.

***Are dogs not suicidal? Do they not jump from windows? Do dogs have good health insurance that pays for quality therapy?