Randomness Corner: Did you steal three tons of chickpeas recently?

Thieves are on the run with three tons of chickpeas, it what can only be defined as the Great Hummus Theft of 2020.

A small, two-location Middle Eastern chain restaurant in Washington, DC, called Little Sesame is in a lot of trouble, as a recent UPS delivery of 6,150 pounds of chickpeas has gone missing, according to the Washington City Paper.

Little Sesame purchases the chickpeas from a grower in Montana, who typically sends quarterly shipments year-round of three pallets, or one ton each, per pallet.

Tracking records from UPS show the purloined 'peas at a distribution warehouse in Landover, MD, on February 10th. The delivery was supposedly made in an alley out behind one of the two restaurant locations two weeks later on February 24th, in what is apparently the slowest and most casual Big Brown drop-off ever.

Little Sesame's co-owner, Nick Wiseman, tells the Washington City Paper that they're working with other farmers for an emergency shipment of chickpeas before they run out. He notes that three tons of chickpeas roughly equals the weight of an African elephant. That's not necessarily the visual you had mingling with thoughts of hummus, but let it simmer.

In the meantime, clearly someone needs to keep an eye out on a ton of shipped tahini, too. If you happen to see a galore of garbanzos in your local neighborhood, you're urged to contact police.

Randomness Corner: Europe is running out of butter, panic to ensue.

Soon to be a mythical thing to tell your grandchildren about.

Grandmothers in the remote, bucolic countrysides and elitist chefs at fine dining establishments across Europe are sharing a similar panic this week.

A report from the Federation des Entrepreneurs de la Boulangerie (that's French for bakery somethingoranother) says global demand for butter has skyrocketed, while supply in Europe has dipped, creating a butter shortage crisis.

"Butter shortages appear to be a real threat by the end of the year," said the Baking Homeboys, noting that brioche buns, tarts, and croissants might see prices drastically increased. That's right. That sound you just heard was a grown Parisian man crying in the streets. The daily habit of smoking filterless cigarettes and having a croissant at the corner cafe will cease to exist possibly. The French economy will single-handedly be more crippled than during World War II.

Remember the good ol' days when butter was in abundance and on crystal trays.

The European Commission's Milk Observatory (a real thing, I promise) claims that butter stockpiles in Europe have dropped 98% in the past year, all while Europeans have increased their annual intake of butter by a half-pound in the past half-decade. Saturated fat in stick form has never been as alluring.

Meanwhile, Peder Tuborgh, the CEO of U.K dairy megapower Arla, recently told the BBC that there might not be enough milk and cream come Christmas.

First the French are taken out on croissants, and now the Brits won't have custards and puddings come Christmas. Thank God the Germans are alcoholics and only focus on beer. If they had a butter and milk fetish like the rest of Europe, the entire European continent might crumble soon.

Randomness Corner: Nebraska state flag flew upside down for ten days over the state capitol and no one noticed.

...said no one--ever.

Nebraska--a mythical barren land mass of corn and desperation that some claim exists in the middle of the United States--apparently had the state flag fly over the capitol in Lincoln FOR TEN DAYS before someone noticed it was upside down.

Was it a declaration of surrender to neighboring Kansas? Wyoming? There's a chance South Dakota has invaded at this point. Would anyone notice?

As if being forced to live in Nebraska wasn't humiliating enough, now the citizens realize their politicians can't recognize the state flag. Nebraska State Senator Burke Harr suggests the state redesign the flag so people actually knows what it looks like. This, despite criticism that the state has more important issues, like a looming budget deficit.

Harr disagrees. "[Nebraska] can walk and chew gum at the same time," he said.

Impressive!

Except Nebraska just can't raise or notice its own state flag at the same time, that's all.

Randomness Corner: Grilled cheese has killed lesser people.

Baltimore's Daniel Brian Blackwell is very protective of his grilled cheese.

According to Baltimore Police, It seems the other day Blackwell's wife made him a grilled cheese and took a bite out of the sandwich. Admittedly, a quality grilled cheese sandwich can be irresistible--and Blackwell's wife fell under the powerful allure of said sandwich.

However, Blackwell wasn't thrilled with his wife's predilection for exquisitely melted cheese products. While his wife continued cooking upstairs in the kitchen, Blackwell allegedly fired off a gun while in a rage in the basement.

His wife went downstairs to check on him and alleges she saw him surrounded by his stash of revolvers, rifles, and shotguns.

Seeing that her husband needed some alone time, she went back upstairs to cooking. Within minutes, Blackwell allegedly fired three more rounds into the basement ceiling, nearly taking out his wife in the kitchen above him.

His wife immediately fled the house with their teenage children and called the police. Blackwell barricaded himself in the house for a few hours before eventually surrendering to police.

The moral of this story?

Nobody becomes this upset over tuna salad.

Randomness Corner: Extra sunscreen needed around 5pm.

I don't know, but Katie feels really nonchalant about forecasting the end of the world.

Randomness Corner: The scourge of illicit delectable meats and cheeses!

Grandma's ham cartel strikes again.

Over a nearly seven month period at Manchester Airport, the U.K.'s third largest, highly trained drug-sniffing dogs never found a single source of class-A drugs like cocaine and heroin, but they found a delightful array of artisanal meats and cheeses brought back by local Brits on holiday.

Does this mean an elderly British grandmother is a hardened criminal if she's hauling back some jamón ibérico in her carry-on from a week in the south of Spain? Fido seems to think so, and would like to take it off her hands.

The dogs cost the airport £1.25 million to train and house, but authorities claim the dogs also detected over 40,000 smuggled cigarettes.

Cheese. Meat. Cigarettes.

Add a full-bodied red wine and candles to this list and Fido will have created a sophisticated romantic evening.

Randomness Corner: Doughnut-stealing Canadian raccoon is a criminal with poor taste in sweets.

Canada has been overdue for a crime wave to sweep the nation. We all know this. The polite and kindly behavior most Canadians display has always been a front for the desire to shiv one another. Why do they play hockey--a sport with razor sharp blades? Exactly. Potential shivving action.

Humans are a little slow to get the crime wave started, but leave it to the animals to run amok. Case in point: A Toronto raccoon was caught red-pawed as it swung in through the roof--Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible style--of a bakery to steal a doughnut.

Even worse? It chose an orange-flavored doughnut stick over a chocolate glazed. Who does that?





This isn't the only Canadian raccoon up to nefarious behavior. The CBC reported earlier this month that a four-legged masked ball of fur hopped the local commuter train. According to Metrolinx, which operates the service, they had "no idea" how the "downtown freeloader" got on the train.

I'll tell you how. He refused to pay the fare and hopped the gate, just like any two-bit criminal.

Here's a photo of the scandalous scamp:

Looks like he's sleeping off a nooner, if you ask me. Easy on the Labatt's Blue, my friend!

It's mainly Toronto that is the den of raccoon duplicity hitting Canada hard, and the crime wave has been building with each passing month. Earlier this summer, another report by the CBC detailed how a raccoon was found to blatantly trespass onto a luxury condo's property, climbing 213 meters (699ft) up a crane, before being spotted by crane operator Rob Mac, who posted details to Twitter, including this bombshell proof:

That's the look of pure, unadulterated guilt.

According to Mac, upon being spotted, the trespasser hissed before hightailing it back down the ladder, apparently frightened by the prospect of doing hard time in a Canadian prison where he'd inevitably get belly rubs and free garbage to roll around in.

Not even a polite head nod or a desire to lend a hand, like you'd expect from a true Canadian! Today they hiss. Tomorrow they go all James Bond on you and throw you to your death. Mark my words.




photos: Rob Mac, Tyler Kay, via CBC

Randomness Corner: The original 1977 Star Wars trailer wasn't quite the same as you might imagine.

Tonight at midnight across America, people who don't have to work in the morning or who are looking for an excuse to escape various family members will gather en masse to see the latest Star Wars film.

So here's the original trailer from 1977 for the first movie in the franchise. It shows a wonky Star Wars title card and lacks John Williams's famous music, making it all read more like a psychological thriller in its silence than a space opera. I half expected Glenn Close to jump out and try to stab Obi-Wan with a knife.





Darth Vader doesn't even speak. It's like whenever you see a trailer for some foreign language film and the filmmakers try to bamboozle people skittish of subtitles into thinking it's a Hollywood production, so all the characters just walk around and smile charmingly while mute.

Or, in Vader's case, fling bodies around like a beaten pinata.

Randomness Corner: Greece! Only the best in medical care!

This weekend, in Greece's second division of soccer, AEL Larissa beat Ergotelis, 2-1. There's no reason to watch Greek soccer. Ever. Like, ever ever. It's not that skilled. And the video below is of Greece's second division--even worse.

The real reason to watch Greek soccer is shown in the video, when medics came on the field to carry off an injured player in potentially the most amazing display of medical ineptitude possible.

Admittedly, the Greek economy is in tough shape, so maybe this is the best medical care money can buy these days.

Bonus points for the nonchalant stretcher plop once they get across the sideline. The whole exasperation of the medics, as if they've been put out, really sells it.

Randomness Corner: Italian police break the case of the missing $875,000 worth of stolen cheese.

Italian police have caught the merry band of thieves who roamed throughout the country for multiple years while stealing 2,039 wheels of Parmegiano-Reggiano worth an estimated $875,000.

Parmegiano-Reggiano, like many specific gourmet foods, can only be called that if produced in certain areas of the country. (Think: Champagne in France.) That little shaker of grated cheese you have in your fridge? Hate to break the news to you, but it's probably not real Parmegiano-Reggiano. This regional requirement for authenticity makes the cheese highly sought after--so much so that apparently some banks in Italy will accept wheels of Parmegiano-Reggiano as collateral for a loan. It seems Kraft Singles won't get you far.

According to the Centre for Retail Research, cheese is the most stolen food on Earth, with upwards of 4% of all cheese produced in 2011 stolen.

And none of that 4% is the string cheese you're buying at the grocery store.

Randomness Corner: The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson's 'You Are the Author'

Before Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel, before Conan O'Brien and Arsenio Hall, before Jay Leno and David Letterman, there was Johnny Carson.

If you were alive between 1962 and 1992, odds are you watched Carson late at night. So did your grandmother, making it the rare television show appealing to all generations (and insomniacs).

Here, from a 1991 episode, is Carson's 'You Are the Author' segment, taking lines from audience members to create a saucy romance story.

Randomness Corner: Angela Lansbury is very proficient at rhythmic stretching.

At the height of Murder, She Wrote's popularity, Angela Lansbury was busy limbering up and giving herself aloe massages (excuse me, "may-sahhge") on VHS cassettes.

Positive Moves was like beginner Martha Stewart Living for the Jessica Fletcher set if you were really into floor stretching and rhythmic whirling.

Highlights:
1.) Who knew Jessica Fletcher was jacked during all those episodes of Murder, She Wrote? (0:08 mark).
2.) "I give myself a mini MAY-sahhge with aloe lotion." (0:14)
3.) She invented On-Land Swimming. (1:39)
4.) Stretching on the living room floor never looked so stationary! (2:15)
5.) Whirling Dervish dancing for beginners! (4:14)
6.) Remember! Gesticulate with authority when demanding people eat chocolate cake! (4:54)
7.) European bikes get the shaft (5:33)
8.) Don't skimp on the quality towels and oils at bath time, folks. (6:14)
9.) Angela Lansbury talks sex. It's like the Salt-N-Pepa song, except more ethereal. (6:40)

Randomness Corner: Saturday Morning PSA of the Week: Mr. T was a wise sage.

If you grew up in the 1980s and watched Saturday morning TV, at some point you saw Mr. T (or other lower B-rate celebrities) offer some words of wisdom to the young folk.

Questions/Thoughts:
a. Did Jimmy really bring all the bases? Seems unlikely. Where's he getting that kind of coin?
b. Isn't the umpire a bit of an ass, too?
c. Did we just witness the only use of the word kablooey since 1920?
d. Jimmy's going to die from a stroke someday. His bulging neck muscle suggests as much.
e. You know this is a nearly 30-year old video simply from the fact that Mr. T gets away with calling a child a chump.
f. How come the catcher doesn't get a little love for being the only one not losing his freaking mind?
g. Jimmy needs better eyesight. It was a strike.

Randomness Corner: Two dogs streak across soccer field during game.

Golden Labradors frolic across a soccer field during a match tugging at a shopping bag of some sort.

The only way something could be any sweeter is if the Care Bears doused themselves in honey and sunshine.

Randomness Corner: Oldest Roman hairstyle recreated for the first time on a modern head.

Quote:

"For the first time, the hairstyle of the Roman Vestal Virgins has been recreated on a modern head."

Well, she looks thrilled, so sign me up.




photo: LiveScience

Randomness Corner: Hot happenings on the floral arrangment front in North Korea.

KCNA, the North Korean state media outlet, has their fingers on the pulse of breaking political news.

Headline Pyongyang:

Floral Basket to Kim Jong Un from Economic and Commercial Councilors Corps

The dear respected Kim Jong Un received a floral basket from the economic and commercial councilors corps here on the New Year 2013.

Hu Chenpei, second secretary of the Chinese embassy, conveyed the floral basket to an official concerned on December 26 on behalf of the corps.

What? No Edible Arrangement? Gin-of-the-Month Club membership?

Admittedly, floral baskets do make for a lovely accent piece to any home or outside seating area.

Randomness Corner: A cat interrupts a Univision weather report.

Apparently a handful of cats are known to hang around the Univision television studio parking lot, and occasionally they make it inside the studio.

Which explains this--a cat sashaying across the screen, making a bee-line for the Bahamas.

Just give the meteorologist an Emmy now. He doesn't break focus with his temperatura actuales recap. Those smooth hand gestures can't be denied by cat butt.

Randomness Corner: Rogue Ferret Terrorizes Elderly Scooter Driver

The inevitable ferret reign of terror has begun, and they've decided to attack our most vulnerable humans: grannies.

Florence Taylor, an 86-year old resident of Nottinghamshire, England, was riding home recently from the local shops using her mobility scooter. Suddenly, Taylor says, a rogue ferret ran out of some nearby bushes and jumped onto her ride. A potential scooter-jacking was at hand.

Here's a photo of Taylor in her miniature, plasticized, pope mobile:

Taylor claims the ferret immediately clung to her leg--beginning a bloody showdown that would last 10-minutes. Realizing Taylor was a stubborn granny, the 2ft terror sunk his teeth into Taylor's heal, refusing to release his death grip despite the grandmother's repeated battering with her walking stick.

The ferocious ferret only gave up once it saw neighbors coming to save Taylor from certain doom, and scurried out of sight. Taylor was left with a bloody ankle, which required bandages and a tetanus shot from a local hospital.

The fright isn't over though. As Taylor told the UK's The Mirror, "It needs catching before it attacks again."

And as she told the UK's The Sun, "I’m too scared to even leave my home in case it attacks me again, after all IT'S GOT A TASTE FOR MY BLOOD NOW.”

Damn straight. Everyone knows once a ferret has a taste of your blood it's only a matter of time before it eats a limb clean off your body.

And so the ferret reign of terror begins.



photo: The Mirror

Randomness Corner: Baby Elephant Rescue!!

Elephants are like the sea turtles of the land. Painfully cute yet from another time, and generally harmless as long as you leave them alone. And usually humans are busy hurting elephants than helping...

...Which brings us to this video that is just beginning to make the rounds on the interwebs. It's of a wild baby elephant who fell into a well in Kenya and can't get out, despite its mother's best efforts. Three rescuers from the Amboseli Trust for Elephants showed up with a jeep and a rope and went to work.

Watch the whole five minutes. There's a 95% chance you're tearing up like the world's biggest emotional wreck during the last 90 seconds.

If you don't feel something down deep when that baby is hauling ass to its mother and the mother is running toward her baby, you're just---

Don't talk to me.

Randomness Corner: Naked man found in Bavarian forest was a monk who mistakenly ate hallucinogenic wild berries.

"It remains a mystery how he became naked," says the report.

I'm just going to throw it out there that he took his clothes off. Just calling this one right now.