Take a left at Ebay, go past the Rachael Ray recipe archive, and it'll be the first English blog on your right.

Last fall I checked in to see what keywords and phrases people used through Google/Blogger to read The Toolbox. What I learned was that Jhumpa Lahiri needs a bodyguard and some pepper spray.

It's been a few months since then. So, what's bringing people to The Toolbox this week?

Some of this week's top Google keywords (misspellings included):

1.) jhumpa lahiri  (shocking!)
2.) craig moreau  (sweeping the nation one sexy eye bat at a time)
3.) vendela vida  (the poor man's Jhumpa Lahiri)
4.) anglo saxon symbols (every day is Christmas here)
5.) byu code of conduct  (remember, kids--no mustaches!)





But weekly keyword totals cover a wide swath of searches. The Toolbox gets a lot of eyeballs. The real quirks show up in the daily keyword totals.

Some of today's more interesting Google keywords (misspellings included):

1.) hamsters and penguins  (Pssh, obviously...)
2.) "craig moreau"  (Quotes guarantee they find only THE Craig Moreau.)
3.) aintiant easter bunny  (Eh? Aintiant? Is that lisp talk for "ancient"?)
4.) amanda hocking spelling  (Is spelling a concern for paranormal romance ebooks?)
5.) justin bieber, liberty university  (The truth comes out about The Biebs.)

Take a right at Amazon.com, and then drive past the home decor blogs. It'll be the first English blog on your left.

Blogger and Google offer stats on what people out there in the interwebs read most on this blog. This includes keywords people use when they search, and what gets them here.

So, every week (couple months? pagan holiday? Chinese new year?) I'll dive in to see what people are searching.

This week's top Google keywords (misspellings included):

1.) jhumpa lahiri
2.) jhumpa lahiri pic
3.) aarp banned books
4.) banned books at byu
5.) jhumpa
6.) jhumpa lahiri pics
7.) jhumpa-lahiri
8.) patrick sweet east central university
9.) sexy funeral directors


If there's anything people know about me, it's that I like to keep my fingers on the pulse of all the latest Jhumpa Lahiri news. That's why she's been mentioned...ummm...once on this blog in two years. Today's blog post alone will probably result in a 500% uptick in exposure from the Jhumpa Lahiri fans who are one late night away from getting a restraining order from her.

But forget Lahiri for a moment. "Sexy funeral directors"? Really? Should I be concerned? Is the 10th most popular search term "grave diggers with great pecs"? Everyone knows funeral directors aren't sexy. They're pasty, clammy, and have deep circles under their eyes. Stereotypes tell me so.

Stereotypes also used to say that there was no such thing as a sexy author. But I'm guessing we can put that one to bed.

Stephen King = eye candy

When you think of authors/writers, you don't often have the image of "sexy looking." Sure, they might have a sexy brain, a sexy imagination, or a sexy way with words. Yet few writers exist that make people stop and think they're physically sexy.

This is probably why they're writers to begin with. If you're getting by in life on your good looks you're probably not sitting down eight hours a day to write a book. Stephen King isn't going to be asked to model. The only publication he'd be asked to pose for would be American Funeral Director Magazine. (You think I jest. American Funeral Director Magazine does exist. You can find it...here. I don't know about you, but whenever I want a little light reading I know what I'll be kicking back with from now on. Maybe they have a funeral themed soduku puzzle in there, just to keep things lively.)

Of course, this topic annoys people. "Why do writers need to be good looking?? You're shallow!" Simmer down there, Champ. This is just purely conversation. Hey, some people think George Clooney is smart. There are rumors going around that he's good looking, too. So, if actors can be labeled both smart and attractive, why not an author?

Some friends of mine debated this topic, because, yes, we are horribly shallow individuals down deep. No one could conjure up a good looking author off the top of their head. A Google search for "sexy authors" was equally helpful. The very first search result is "Why can't authors be physically sexy?" Apparently this is a popular topic then.

Some people from that search result site suggested the following authors as sexy. (All names are links to photos/wikis of the writer.) Sadly, I think many of those people are afflicted with cataracts.

And the supposedly sexy authors are:

Paul Auster: Ok, so he looks like Gomez Addams from The Addams Family. But I bet he could give Stephen King a run for his money for American Funeral Directors Magazine.

D.H. Lawrence: At the age of 21, Lawrence was baby faced and fresh looking. We writers had potential for an honest-to-god good looking writer to point to. Then by the time he was 40 he looked like he would be holed-up in a Montana shack with a shotgun. So much for that.

Jean Rhys: Generally only two types of photos exist of her for popular opinion: the young ingenue, head cradled in hands, Mona Lisa smile, circa 1915. Or elderly grandma. If sexy can be 80 years old, by all means, we have a winner.

David Foster Wallace: Great if you like the Jesus vibe. Also, Wallace committed suicide, so that's kind of a downer.

Arthur Rimbaud: Fantastic if you like the "robbing the cradle" look. It looks like Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator will be knocking on your door at any moment.

Norman Mailer: He's a popular choice with people as a sexy author from history. Sorry, I can't go with this. He looks like any Florida retiree from Del Boca Vista waiting for The Sizzler to open for the early bird special. You say he was married six times--he had to be hot! I say that was because his wives realized their mistake.

Isabel Allende: Looks like she went to the Danielle Steele school of photography.

Vendela Vida: Poor thing. It would appear she has no facial muscles. She seems incapable of smiling. But if you twist your head upside down and make her perpetual frowns look like she's smiling then it's an improvement.

John Grisham: He'll never get laugh lines with his constant smirking, so that's a plus. I just feel like he knows a secret about me that he isn't telling.

Jhumpa Lahiri: ...annnnnnd she might be our only sure thing.

Oh, who are we kidding. Why deny it and pretend it can't be him?

Stephen King wins. Grr, baby! Grr!