Lexus asked James Patterson to review their car.

"A collaboration between Lexus and James Patterson was the perfect way to bring the experience of the (car) to life, as both a brand and an author who place such high importance on their respective crafts."


So says Michael Canning, the Executive Creative Director at the Australian marketing firm M&C Saatchi. Canning is apparently unaware that James Patterson hands over all the importance of his books to his stable of collaborators, as Patterson hardly writes anything with his name on it. Minor detail.




Regardless, Lexus in Australia will begin airing advertisements with a Patterson voiceover as he mutters out cliché after cliché.

Patterson feels confident, though, as he's quoted saying about the advertising campaign, "At first I wondered why Lexus chose me to review the LC500. But after one drive, I realize a car like no other needs a review like no other."

He added, "I hope it's as breathtaking as any of my best-selling thrillers, because the LC 500 deserves all that and more."

My guess is if anyone lost their breath while reading a Patterson book, it was an asthma attack or an adverse reaction to a peanut allergy--not the book itself.

All I know is that Stephen King is somewhere ready to write an infinitely better review of a Yugo or Datsun on the cheap.

California's poet laureate better have AAA.

Almost every state in America has its own poet laureate, an individual usually given the position for a year or two in hopes they'll inspire its citizens to embrace literary art and possibly even dabble in poetry themselves.

Most poet laureates coast while on the job, barely doing anything during their term. You know that coworker you have that drives you up a wall? Sort of like that. Case in point, can you name your state's poet laureate? Exactly.

Dana Gioia is California's poet laureate, though, and he's not resting. He's determined to visit all 58 counties in the state during his term and hold events in each. In case you haven't noticed, California is quite large, so zig-zagging isn't quite that easy.

"I’ll put 1,000 miles a week on my car, easily," Gioia told KPBS radio. "I’ve gone through two sets of tires."

So far, Gioia has visited 41 counties, with his favorite question and answer event happening in the bustling metropolis  tiny town of Downieville, population 282. The town's school closed down for the event, and 51 students read original poems and peppered Gioia with random questions, like when his birthday was.

"That's one of the things I'm trying to do as poet laureate is bring arts and poetry to communities in a public forum," Gioia told the radio station. "People like it."

Let's just hope he likes AAA and has good cell service.



photo: http://capoetlaureate.net/

Highway road sign fonts are apparently a thing. And they're causing a debate.

The Federal Highway Administration (FHA) announced earlier this year they were removing their earlier approval of Clearview, a font that has had provisional acceptance by the government for over a decade. It had joined Highway Gothic as an acceptable road sign font. The Department of Transportation even Tweeted about it last month:

Safer like this or like this? @USDOTFHWA data says the #font matters. https://t.co/lBZ31PM7SX pic.twitter.com/b3sFYj1OkJ

— TransportationGov (@USDOT) February 4, 2016

Subtle, yet different enough to those who get asthmatic over font styles.

Exactly why Clearview was rejected after a decade of use, well, no one is entirely certain--but somehow in some back alley, where BIG FONT money is being doled out, the government wants do to away with the letters.

For years, studies from Penn State and Texas A&M suggested Clearview improved legibility of highway signs and, thus, improved driving safety. The longer, thinner letters fairly ubiquitous in the twenty states that have already adopted the font can increase signage awareness by up to 12%, according to one study. For a person driving 70mph, as Wired notes, that's 74ft of added reaction time. And as studies tend to do, other follow-ups said the difference was actually only negligible. Sigh.

The FHA claims they don't want to force states to adopt the licensing fee that comes with adopting the font. Meeker and Associates, the creative firm that developed the font in the 1990s, charges a one-time fee of $800 for lifetime use of the design, which will clearly cripple any state that relies off a piggy bank for its state funding. Donald Meeker, founder of the firm, finds it fairly incredulous that a state can't afford $800 in its annual budget.

"It’s a shame for the states," Meeker tells Wired. "Everybody knows [the old typeface] looks like a dog’s lunch."

Whoa. You know things just got serious when Alpo gets slammed.

Applying to college? Are you an "L-B-B" or maybe an "R-J"?

It's that time of year when colleges and universities are beginning to comb through applications for the coming fall semester.

Combing is a bit more precise than it is in reality. So how do schools really decide whom to accept and whom to reject?

Well, according to NPR, there's no universal rhyme or reason. NPR sat in at a small conference room at the College of Holy Cross (where all the students rejected from Boston College end up) while an admissions team of three looked over a small sampling of 23 applicants already narrowed down from a larger pool. This admissions team gave each student's application roughly two minutes before making a decision.

And how does Holy Cross motor through those 23 applicants? With acronyms. Per NPR:


They'll spend about two minutes on each before deciding whether to accept or deny admission, or place the application on hold.

To speed things along, the committee uses a lot of jargon, like "L-B-B" for late blooming boy, and "R-J" for rejection.

If it sounds like they're cutting corners, know that before the committee meets around the table, each application gets a close look from two of the members.


Yes, because "rejection" with 3 syllables is so much wordier than "R-J" and its 2 syllables.

Of course, there's no specifics about how close a "close look" actually might be. That's part of the mystery of it all. A close look could be three minutes! That's 50% longer than the two minute examination!

Remember that years from now when your former college is looking for a donation.

12-year old has a bigger book deal than you, you, you, you--yup, even you over there in the corner--you, you, and me combined.

Quvenzhané Wallis, the 12-year old actress who was the youngest ever to be nominated for an Oscar when she was 9-years old for her role in Beasts of the Southern Wild, has just signed a four book deal with publishing giant Simon & Schuster as part of their Books for Young Readers division.

She's 12-years old. Four book deal.

When I was 12, I was busy eating way too many Little Debbie snack cakes and guzzling Kool-Aid by the gallons.

I like to keep expectations low.







Photo:  Getty Images

Illiterate, mid-90s old man learns to read, writes book, and shames all of our lazy asses.

According to a story from USAToday, Jim Henry was a lobsterman most of his life. And like many young people who came of age during the Great Depression, he was forced to work to support his family.

Pulled out of the third grade before he had a grasp of reading, he spent the next 85+ years faking his ability to read around friends and family.

By the time he retired from the lobster trade in his mid-90s, Henry decided it was time to learn how to read. And learn he did. And write, too. The one/two combo has led Henry to write down the interesting vignettes from his very, very long and industrious life--which he's had published now. In a Fisherman's Language came out late last year.

Now 98 years old, and an expert reader for about three years, Henry is emotional. "I'm so happy, I catch myself crying," he told USAToday.

Makes you feel a little lazy now by comparison, eh? I feel like a total deadbeat.



photo: USAToday

Any Shakespeare movie < potential Marlowe movie

I like to think Christopher Marlowe was fun. For those non-English majors, Marlowe was a poor man's Shakespeare. Picture Shakespeare after a few cocktails when the self-editing button between the brain and mouth goes haywire.

First, Marlowe annoyed higher-ups and was ordered to report to the Privy Council for heretical concepts. Then he was stabbed to death under mysterious circumstances--which is always a sign of an interesting fella. Unsolved manslaughter = a fun time. Sounds like a good movie.

But he wasn't Shakespeare--which is to say...eh, overdone. Now there's a movie about Shakespeare called Anonymous, which revisits the idea that Shakespeare didn't actually write any of Shakespeare's works. This idea really irks some folks in Britain, who taped over various road signs referencing the Bard as an act of protest against the movie's premise.

Yeah.

That'll show 'em.



Side note:
Is that a bear moseying around upright using a walking stick? It looks like a green, nude Winnie the Pooh. Are there many nude Winnie the Poohs in Warwickshire? Are they all serious hikers? Why isn't this promoted more in the county?



Photo: BBC

Twitter founder--who dropped out of college--now teaching M.B.A. students.

Christopher "Biz" Stone dropped out of college. Twice. Once from Northeastern University and once from UMass Boston. If he were in your class, he'd probably be the smartass in the corner that you hated because he laughed at your critiques of literature. (Like me!)

Then, as a two-time dropout, he went on to found Twitter. (Not like me!)

Now, according to the Wall Street Journal, he's a teaching fellow/adviser/new owner of a fancy name plate at UC Berkeley for their M.B.A. program.

Somehow this flies with educators.

It's like getting a divorce from your deadbeat husband because he cheated on you. But then you start dating him again because he drives a Benz and has a house in a desirable zip code. At some point you only have yourself to blame.

Salon suggests you trazzle(?) to these bookstores.

Salon's travel section calls itself The Trazzler. What that means, I'm not sure. It sounds like the illegitimate language lovechild of Snoop Dogg.

There's a soft serve ice cream* place nearby where I live. They mix their soft serve--your choice of flavor--with tasty tidbits (cookies, candy, diabetes chunks, etc.) and call it a Razzle. Many nights I've stayed awake wondering what Razzle means--that it has to be a hybrid word, spliced together with two ice cream-associated words (like ice cream and sprinkles become crinkles--maybe?), yet nothing makes sense. Razzles aren't raspberry flavored. Nothing dazzles. It's not even rad, and it doesn't razz me in some sugar-induced anthropomorphic ice cream cone moment. When I once asked the 16 or 17 year old girl working behind the counter what Razzle actually means, she said "It's ice cream mixed with cookies and candies and stuff."

Yeah. That works, too.

Annnnywho, Salon's Trazzler came out with their list of The World's Most Inspiring Bookstores. What makes them inspiring is a matter for debate. For instance, will I be inspired to eat soft serve ice cream if I visit these bookstores? Dubious. That kind of kills the whole "most inspiring" argument right there. And none of these bookstores are even run by Snoop Dogg, which seems like a huge missed opportunity.



I don't know who Razzmatazz is. Some band out of the midwest I think. Based solely on the way they appear, possibly a cover band for Chicago, Kansas, or some other 1970s geographically-named soft rock band.

*To say soft serve ice cream is a national disappointment is an understatement. More to the point, it's an oxymoron. Ice cream is supposed to be hard because of a key word subtly inserted into its name: ice. Soft serve ice cream isn't ice cream at all. I'm not even sure if it qualifies as food. It's like calling individual slices of pre-wrapped American Cheese Product cheese or Maria Shriver's chin line delicate.

Future Ivy League student Rachel Anne Hachero is very fond of the Nissan 350z

So much so that she pistol-whipped her mother when her mother refused to co-sign on a loan for the car.

Context:
Rachel Anne Hachero is a student from Florida, and apparently the college application process was getting to her. Over the course of a couple weeks, she started receiving acceptance letters to Ivy League schools because her parents are wealthy and well connected because of her hard work ethic and strong GPA. At some point, she must've had conversations with her mom over buying a car.

Well, it seems mom decided against co-signing the car loan. This didn't sit well with our newly minted Future Ivy Leaguer, who waited for her mother to arrive home before allegedly pulling a gun to casually discuss the situation.

Mind you, casually in Floridaspeak means pistol-whipping mom in the head. According to Lee County Sheriff's investigators, after Rachel went full mob-boss on her mother with the pistol-whipping action (how Jimmy Cagney of her!), she proceeded to point the gun at her mother's stomach and head, before forcing mom to drive with her to the car dealership.

Needless to say, you want some sweet wheels to impress people at your Ivy League campus in the fall--and car dealers really don't care what motivations you use to get a loan out of them. Mom signed the loan under duress. But our Future Ivy Leaguer showed she was an amateur with her budding miniature criminal syndicate. How? She left mom at the car dealership after she peeled out of the parking lot in her newly-signed-for Nissan. Premature excitement is common among inexperienced young people in a wide array of things, and crime is just one such area. Nonetheless, mom told the car dealer the loan might not hold up in a court of law once the cops were called.

As the better-than-average mugshot above shows, our Future Ivy Leaguer might miss orientation at her new school this fall. She's been charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

Newsweek: 38% of US citizens fail immigration citizenship test. 29% don't even know who Vice President is.

Admittedly, Joe Biden feels more like a crazy uncle than a Vice President.

Two professors spend endless hours outside classroom researching and writing book.

These same professors proceed to claim undergraduate students aren't learning much in the classroom.

Now, I'm no Stephen Hawking, but those two statements might have something to do with one another.

According to a website called insidehighered.com (as opposed to outside higher ed, which possibly talks about lawn care maintenance), a newly released book called Academically Adrift performed a study on 2,300 undergraduate students and found some statistics that would make any parent's heart soar with pride:

1.) 45% of students didn't show any improvement on learning during their first two years of college.
2.) 35% of students continued mailing it in for the following two years as well--showing that, indeed, Animal House wasn't a fictional movie at all, but a stunning documentary instead.

Any other nuggets from the book?

1.) Studying alone leads to gaining more knowledge than studying in groups.
2.) Students in classes that require more out of you (reading 40 pages a week as opposed to 20 pages) tend to learn more.
3.) Fraternities and sororities tend not to be a haven for intellectual accomplishment. [No. Way.]
4.) Students in liberal arts fields tend to acquire more knowledge than those majoring in business, education, social work, or communications.

More or less, if you've been an observant college student at any point in your life, these facts shouldn't be a surprise. You mean frat houses aren't turning out the next Thomas Edison? Wha-wha-what??? Studying in groups leads to people just socializing and not studying? Impossible!

These professors also argue that college social activities are a waste of time at acquiring knowledge. Generally, they declare students should only be doing classwork 24/7. Everything else isn't teaching the student anything at all.

Which is good to know. You wouldn't want a student to emerge from college knowing how to interact with anyone. Good social skills never got anyone anywhere in life. Except, of course, the last three presidents of the United States, one of whom was a C student. But what parent wants their child to grow up to become president? Pssh.



Okay, yes, the book seems to make some good points about colleges and universities only wanting warm bodies in the classrooms to make a buck, and that education itself has become a secondary concern to campus activities that generate income. But the writers of the book aren't promoting those issues up front. They're promoting fun facts about students not learning anything in the classroom--fun facts that just happen to be of the "Well, duh..." variety for anyone who has roamed a college campus in the last 100 years.

My dreams of being a cooking botanist might have to wait.

Payscale.com has come out with their Worst Paying College Degrees of 2010.

The good news:
That English degree you're taking classes for that's giving your father angina every night? It's not as bad a financial prospect as at least twenty other degrees.

The bad news:
Your father might be having a heart attack. Check on that.

According to Payscale, the twenty worst-paying degrees are:

Worst-Paying College Degrees in 2010
College Degree	Starting Pay	Mid-Career Pay
1. Child and Family Studies	$29,500	$38,400
2. Elementary Education	$31,600	$44,400
3. Social Work	$31,800	$44,900
4. Athletic Training	$32,800	$45,700
5. Culinary Arts	$35,900	$50,600
6. Horticulture	$35,000	$50,800
7. Paralegal Studies/Law	$35,100	$51,300
8. Theology	$34,700	$51,300
9. Recreation & Leisure	$33,300	$53,200
10. Special Education	$36,000	$53,800
11. Dietetics	$40,400	$54,200
12. Religious Studies	$34,700	$54,400
13. Art	$33,500	$54,800
14. Education	$35,100	$54,900
15. Interdisciplinary Studies	$35,600	$55,700
16. Interior Design	$34,400	$56,600
17. Nutrition	$42,200	$56,700
18. Graphic Design	$35,400	$56,800
19. Music	$36,700	$57,000
20. Art History	$39,400	$57,100

It's refreshing to know that teaching future generations of Americans isn't a priority. So often America is divided over issues. What we're not divided on, apparently, is paying teachers slightly more than what they could get panhandling on the streets. (Remember folks, Panhandling 101: Smiling when you shake a coffee cup can make a miserable situation feel like a miserable situation you can smile at doing!!)

There is a problem with this news article (the link goes to CBS MarketWatch), written by someone named Lynn O'Shaughnessy, specifically this tidbit:

Students who earn degrees in horticulture, dietetics and the culinary arts are more likely to end up struggling financially.

Now, now, Lynn--you can't go around making such accusations. Being paid less doesn't necessarily equal struggling financially. Here's a wide-ranging list of famous/infamous people--all millionaires at some point (or millionaires if adjusted for inflation to today's standards)--who filed for bankruptcy at some point:

Francis Ford Coppola
Gary Coleman
Matthew Brady (famed Civil War photographer)
David Crosby
Walt Disney
Henry Ford
William C. Durant (founder of General Motors--died running a bowling alley)
Natalie Cole
Mark Twain
Buffalo Bill
Tom Petty
Immanuel Nobel (dad of Alfred Nobel, as in the Nobel Prize)
Rembrandt van Rijn (yes, that Rembrandt--he had a last name)
Lenny Bruce
Toni Braxton
Kim Basinger
Milton Snavely Hershey (yes, the candy guy--but what was more criminal was his middle name)
P.T. Barnum
Benedict Arnold
Mick Fleetwood (namesake of Fleetwood Mac)
Marvin Gaye
Burt Reynolds
Bjorn Borg (great Swedish tennis player, and gentleman of suave hairstyles)
Jose Canseco
Ulysses S. Grant
Henry John Heinz (yes, the ketchup guy)
Larry King
Chaka Khan
Tito Jackson (figures...it's Tito)
LaToya Jackson (figures...it's LaToya)
Cyndi Lauper
Stan Lee (Spiderman's creator)
Willie Nelson
Wayne Newton
Meat Loaf (the singer, not the beef loaf)
Mike Tyson
Oscar Wilde
MC Hammer (Hammer don't hurt 'em!)
Don Johnson
Thomas Jefferson (the only time Thomas Jefferson and Don Johnson get mentioned in the same breath)

...annnnnd Abraham Lincoln. Except, not quite. Bankruptcy apparently wasn't an option for Honest Abe, but he was in a world of hurt with his creditors at one point.

Now, Ms. O'Shaughnessy, this would seem to suggest that it's a matter of the person or the events surrounding a person--and not the income--that dictates whether one will struggle financially.

That, and lotto tickets. Never underestimate the outcome of a lotto ticket--on both ends.

"The Seven Year Plan" happens because you're a few beans short of a burrito.

The New York Times online editorial section hosts the Freakonomics blog.

You know, Freakonomics--the 2005 book by an economist that suggests something like sumo wrestlers are just like crack dealers, that the Britneys of today are the Sassafrases of tomorrow, that AK-47s are really a lot better toy for your preschooler than that in-ground pool--you know, that quirky book that caught fire a few years ago? (Nod your head and pretend you remember 2005.)

Well, Freakonomics has a blog on the New York Times website where most likely interns at NYC-area colleges keep the blog running random sociology/economic stories get posted.

An April 26th post (never said we were on the ball here) asked Why Does College Take so Long These Days?  ("These days." Grandpa sits back in his rocker, pulls an afghan over his knees, and waxes nostalgic about this and penny candy.)

The answer, according to the report? You're poor. Or you're a few oats short of a Cheerio. One or the other. Maybe both if you're really special.

Researchers suggest that paying your way through college makes things slow. That, or you belong to a "less-selective institution"--which is delightful euphemism for saying you're none too bright.

I don't know how much validity these hypotheses ever have. People throw things out there to see what sticks. There's no limit to what researchers will think up to explain why people take longer to graduate college these days. Why, look at me. I'm poor and I went to a state school, and I--

Ahh, good point.

The state of Vermont: Sponsored by Subaru.

I recently spent four days crossing northern Vermont during leaf-peeping season. (Nothing is easier on the wallet for a poor English major than just driving aimlessly. That is until gas prices shoot up again.) While the scenery was inspiring to write, I was too busy making mental notes about the people. The foundation for writing is often just the ability to observe. Though stereotypes are fun and work in a pinch, too.

First off, Vermont is made up of two types of people, and only two types of people. (Stereotyping, you say? Not so, if you've been to Vermont more than a few times in your life.) One type is the born-and-bred out in the countryside. They live in rusted double-wides with a Chevy/Ford pickup truck with 250,000 miles on it as their mode of transportation. They tend to have a thick and hefty beard, wear lots of random camo, have some scruffy dog that looks like it smokes two packs a day, and are the classic taciturn New Englander. If you chat them up, expect one word answers. Two word answers are reserved only if you marry them or buy dinner.

The other Vermonter is someone who moved in from elsewhere. They might have been born in Vermont, moved away, only to come back...or was born elsewhere, but felt the Kashi cereal magnetism that emanates from Vermont and felt drawn to its mountains of green. These people live in ornate Victorian homes that look like it was plucked from a Bronte sister book, run galleries for local artists, and grow their own manure pile in the backyard. They don't eat granola unless they've added a little extra tree bark for fiber. They drive Subarus. This is a fact. You will not drive in Vermont for more than 1/10th of a mile without seeing a half dozen Subarus fly past you. In fact, Vermont recently passed legislation that said the entire state is now just one giant Subaru dealership.

What is also clear about traveling throughout Vermont is that Robert Frost got around. Yes, Robert Frost was "New England's Poet." Apparently being New England's Poet meant he single-handedly kept the real estate market afloat in the early 20th century. This man seemingly owned homes, vacation spots, farms, dance clubs, yoga studios, and Chinese food restaurants. I've been to most every corner of New England over the years. At this point, it's clear Frost slept in more beds than Richard Gere in "American Gigolo." You drive for a half hour anywhere in northern New England and you're apt to see some Robert Frost real estate. (That includes one final piece of real estate: his burial plot in Bennington, VT.)

That's what makes Emily Dickinson easier to seek out. You might say she was a recluse or had some social anxiety disorder. I just say she was being kind and making things easier on a day tripper like myself. If Travelocity or Expedia want to hype a famous writer for tourists, they need to jump on the Emily Dickinson bandwagon. She's the anti-Frost, and especially the anti-Hemingway. (That's another blog for another day.) Birthplace? Home where she lived? Burial plot? Are you capable of walking 50ft without getting winded and needing a hit off an oxygen tank? If so, Emily is the woman for you! How helpful!

And best of all, you don't need to buy a Subaru to see it all.