When I was a kid, I memorized The Golden Girls and Cheers theme songs, like it was a Jeopardy category. I was made for karaoke at Japanese bars or to entertain 80-year old grandmas in their living rooms with my dulcet tones.
If you're over the age of fifty--or you're someone who was raised on Nick-at-Nite reruns by nostalgic parents--there's a chance these musical theme songs sound familiar to you. The definition of an ear worm is what these theme songs represent. You'll hum one of them for the next week while standing in line at Starbucks for a unicorn frappuccino. You'll hum them at a bus stop. You'll hum them walking down the street.
In the end, you--will--hum.
It seems many television shows from bygone eras with catchy themes had lyrics all along, except we never knew there were any words to them. THERE WERE WORDS.
So, here are eight television shows that were always known by a musical theme, but apparently had lyrics all along. Impress your grandma and sing them to her the next time you see her.
1.) The Dick Van Dyke Show
If you're over 60-years old, skip ahead. You're humming it right now as you read this.
If you're under 60-years old, The Dick Van Dyke Show was one of the most popular shows on television in the 1960s, routinely airing in the top-10 most watched shows. Its stars, Dick Van Dyke (shocker) and Mary Tyler Moore, both won multiple Emmy Awards for their roles.
And the theme song heavy on the brass section actually had lyrics all along:
So you think that you've got troubles?
Well, trouble's a bubble
So tell old Mr. Trouble to get lost!
Why not hold your head up high and
Stop cryin', start tryin'
And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed.
When you find the joy of livin'
Is lovin' and givin'
You'll be there when the winning dice are tossed.
A smile is just a frown that's turned upside down
So smile, and that frown will defrost.
And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed.
That's passively-agressively depressing in a lyrical form. Just a hunch, but maybe that's why the producers of the show just went with the instrumental version.
It sounds better when the actual star of the show, Dick Van Dyke, actually sings it, as he did a few years ago on Rachael Ray's show, of all places.
When the 90-ish year old, white-haired star of the show sings it in a grandfatherly tone, it sounds quaint and adorable.
Hat-tip to Mary Tyler Moore for the sound effects.
2.) Hogan's Heroes
Hogan's Heroes took all the rib-tickling hilarity of Nazi POW camps and made a sitcom out of the situation. If you can't laugh at your own potential extermination, what can you laugh at, amiright?
The jaunty lyrics never sung before the show sound like a propaganda film come to life. A public service announcement for the U.S. Marines has less machismo then these words:
Heroes, heroes, husky men of war,
Sons of all the heroes of the war before.
We're all heroes up to our ear-o's
You ask the questions
We make suggestions
That's what we're heroes for.
All good heroes love a good, big fight
Open up the bomb bays and brighten up the night.
We earn laurels solving your quarrels
You pull the roses,
We punch the noses,
That's what we're heroes for.
What's a hero do?
Well, we're not gonna tell ya
Cause we wish we knew.
That's why we heroes are so few.
We've got a slogan
From Colonel Hogan
And Colonel Hogan's a hero too.
Never flinch, boys, never be afraid,
Heroes are not born, boys, heroes all are made.
Ask not why, boys, never say die, boys,
Answer the call, remember we'll all be heroes forever more
Well, after hearing that, I've already called my local recruiting office and signed up for a tour of duty.
Side note: Hogan's Heroes ended without World War II ever ending. Did the war ever end? Don't spoil it for me! I want to be surprised!
3.) Bonanza
There was a cute time in America--mainly around the 1950s and '60s--where everyone was in love with cowboys. The whole craze single-handedly kept John Wayne with employment for a solid two decades.
Bonanza aired for 14 seasons AND 431 EPISODES on NBC. Seinfeld, by comparison, in the 1990s had only 180. (And if you think that's insane, another cowboy show, Gunsmoke, which aired during the same era, HAD 635 EPISODES on CBS. Americans loved themselves some rootin'-tootin' stuff in the 1960s.)
The theme song of Bonanza was catchy, though. The version with lyrics never aired, but the original pilot episode had the cast sing them at the end of the episode.
I'm not afraid of any pretty maid — Bonanza! Bonanza!
When I give a kiss to any little miss
She'll learn a lot from me
Hair of brown, hair of gold
I'll take what I see
We're not a one to saddle up and run — Bonanza! Bonanza!
Anyone of us who starts a little fuss
Knows he can count on me
One for four, four for all
This we guarantee
All the appeal of sexual aggression and brouhaha antics that usually leads to arrests and a court date. Sounds delightful!
4.) M*A*S*H
M*A*S*H was originally a 1968 novel made into a 1970 movie, which then became a 1972 television series that lasted eleven years. This is to say it was a cash cow.
It all had to deal with the hilarity of surgeons out in the field of battle of the Korean War--a war which, itself, only lasted three years. Nothing brings a hearty chuckle like extending the thought of warfare by a decade.
But M*A*S*H's theme had lyrics, written originally by the film director Robert Altman's teenage son. The song's title? Suicide Is Painless.
Clearly, it's a comedy built on a speedball of lyrical depression.
Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize that I can see
That suicide is painless
It brings so many changes
And I can take or leave them if I please
The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card of some delay
So this is all I have to say
The sword of time will pierce our skin
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger watch I bring
A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
Is it to be or not to be
And I replied oh why ask me
What? No references to Lou Gehrig's Disease and cancer while you're at it? Where are the chuckles?!
In case you have short-term memory loss, remember that these weren't the lyrics to some horrifyingly depressing medical drama. This was a comedy show. But apparently nothing tickles the insides like the thought of suicide.
5.) Bewitched
Theme songs in the 1960s were always jaunty little 30-second numbers that apparently had a secret jazzy life, as we see with Bewitched's theme.
Here's Steve Lawrence, famous for being from the husband and wife duo of Steve & Eydie, but also known for a head of hair that required amazing amounts of styling products and creepy Vegas lounge club vibe where he's winking at you nonstop from the stage while he takes a drag from his menthol cigarette.
Bewitched, Bewitched,
You've got me in your spell.
Bewitched, Bewitched,
You know your craft so well.
Before I knew what I was doing
I looked in your eyes
That brand of woo you've been brewin'
Took me by surprise.
You witch, you witch,
One thing is for sure.
That stuff you pitch
Just hasn't got a cure.
My heart was under lock and key,
But somehow it got unhitched.
I never thought that I could be had
But now I'm caught and I'm kinda glad
To be Bewitched.
I'm just taken by any song that uses the word "woo" seriously in its lyrics. That takes some moxie.
6.) I Dream of Jeannie
1967 was the Summer of Love, which is to say everyone was in a haze and cloud of various, uhhh, medicinal products freely passed from one to another.
This also explains how two television shows about a witch (Bewitched) and a genie (I Dream of Jeannie) could somehow be the peak of television ratings then.
Jeannie had a boppy little musical intro which had lyrics thrown away by producers. Because when you're high on LSD, odds are the lyrics don't make much sense anyway.
Jeannie, fresh as a daisy.
Just love how she obeys me,
Does things that just amaze me so.
She smiles, Presto the rain goes.
She blinks, up come the rainbows.
Cars stop, even the train goes slow.
When she goes by
She paints sunshine on every rafter,
Sprinkles the air with laughter,
We’re close as a quarter after three.
There’s no one like Jeannie.
I’ll introduce her,
To you, but it’s no use, sir,
Cause my Jeannie’s in love with me.
She’s in love with me.
Oh, that not-so-subtle second line of how "she obeys me" can't go unheralded. The 1960s were such a hoot for casual misogynism!
7.) Star Trek
It's incredibly hard to find a video of the lyrics to the show without some fanboy of Star Trek dressed up like Spock or some random green alien singing the theme while snacking between their latest Taco Bell Supreme.
Many hours of my life were lost to find even just this basic video. Feel my pain.
Beyond
The rim of the star-light
My love
Is wand'ring in star-flight
I know
He'll find in star-clustered reaches
Love,
Strange love a star woman teaches.
I know
His journey ends never
His star trek
Will go on forever.
But tell him
While he wanders his starry sea
Remember, remember me.
Whosa--whatsa--whosa singing these lyrics? Is this a mystery woman? What just happened?
Now, Captain Kirk macked on a few women during his travels over the years, but these lyrics are straight out of Days of Our Lives. And a "star woman"? I didn't drink enough to understand what's going on right now.
8.) I Love Lucy
The timeless show--in that it's insane that after all this time people still know of I Love Lucy. It's only pushing seventy years at this point. No rush.
Move on? Pssh.
I love Lucy and she loves me
We're as happy as two can be
Sometimes we quarrel but then
How we love making up again
Lucy kisses like no one can
She's my missus and I'm her man
And life is heaven you see
'Cause I love Lucy
Yes, I love Lucy
And Lucy loves me
I have to call these lyrics out. The whole show was about how they argued 24/7 over everything, and yet their marriage was full of love? Really? Maybe Lucy doesn't actually love you, Desi--ever think of that? It's lovely to hear some smooth ballad crooned to your wife, but the remaining 23.5 hours of daylight you're yelling at her.
There's a reason Lucy and Desi had individual beds on the show.
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