94-year old woman graduates college with a 4.0 GPA.

Amy Craton started college and slowly worked toward a degree until she was 40-years old. She stopped in 1962 when she divorced her husband, went back to work, and raised her children.

Now retired and living in Hawaii, Craton decided to finish her college degree at the age of 94.

Hard of hearing and confined largely to a wheelchair, Craton enrolled in online courses at Southern New Hampshire University for no other reason than she used to live in New England many years ago, so she felt nostalgic.

"I couldn’t see just sitting there watching Netflix all the time," she said in a video provided by SNHU.

Netflix has hit a new low when elderly people confined to their wheelchairs want nothing to do with you--but I digress.

Craton told The Today Show that the hardest part was finishing assignments before deadlines with the time difference between Hawaii and New Hampshire, which required her to stay awake well past her bedtime. That said, she doesn't regret completing her degree.

"It feels good to graduate, to finish that part of my life," Craton told the university in a video they posted online. "But I feel that I’m still on the road."

SNHU president Paul LeBlanc flew from New Hampshire to Hawaii to personally deliver Craton her diploma and hold a surprise party.

And as for a graduate degree now? Oh, she's going for that now. No sense in stopping just because she's 94.

"As long as I get good grades, I’ll be happy," she said.

Getting good grades probably won't be a problem.




photo:  Diana Bowen / Southern New Hampshire University

Ryan Seacrest is an American hero.

It's college commencement season, which means it's that delightful time of year when everyone baking in the midday sun catches heatstroke while desperately trying not to nod off during a lengthy speech about changing the world, living your dreams, yada, yada, yada. Commencement speeches are a lot like those "inspirational" quotes your annoying friend on Facebook posts, only fifteen minutes longer:

This should inspire you to try and use a comma better.

Some colleges and universities actually pay for their commencement speakers though. The idea of an honorary degree from, say, a Columbia or Yale is enough to lure most anyone to speak for free. Lesser known universities, especially state universities, can't woo big names though, not unless the wooing comes with a briefcase of cash.

Take, for instance, the University of Houston, which paid retired astronaut hero Scott Kelly $35,000 this year to speak at their commencement, according to the Associated Press. This was practically fun money for the school, which spent $166,000 last year on Matthew McConaughey to speak, plus an extra $9,500 for his airfare. To be fair, McConaughey donated the speaking fee, but the airfare cost wasn't, and the school still ponied up the fee regardless if it went to charity.

Likewise, Kean University in New Jersey reportedly spent $40,000 on its 2016 commencement speaker, Brandon Stanton. If you know who Brandon Stanton is, odds are you're his grandmother--and that's just adorable. (Hey, Grandma!) For the rest of America, Brandon Stanton is the founder of HONY--the website/social media creation better known as Humans of New York. Kean University also spent an additional $40,000 on having its own retired astronaut speak, too. Mark Kelly, the twin brother of Scott Kelly, was Kean's second speaker--proving once and for all that being the second fiddle sibling doesn't mean you get the second fiddle speaking fee.

"Our students worked very hard, and they deserve it," said Margaret McCorry, a spokeswoman for Kean University, to the Associated Press. "It makes their commencement just that much more memorable." Imagine how memorable it might be if you actually knew who the person was beforehand!

The University of Texas at Austin paid $3,300 for its alumnus, Darren Walker, to come back last year to speak. Walker is the president of the second largest philanthropic organization in America, The Ford Foundation. The $3,300 was spent on Walker's two night stay at the Four Seasons Hotel, which covered a $450 spa tab. Philanthropy apparently starts at home.

The University of Georgia paid $22,000 to charter a private plane for ABC news anchor Amy Robach to come on down. This is reasonable when you consider only 216,000 people fly in and out of Atlanta every day at the world's busiest airport, so it's not as if she could have found a Delta or United flight connecting there.

All of this brings us to Ryan Seacrest. The most ubiquitous human being in America is apparently also the most sensible about commencement matters. This past week he returned to his alma mater, the University of Georgia, free of charge to speak at their graduation.

Whereas Toni Morrison once charged Rutgers University $30,000 for her to scowl for twenty minutes, Ryan Bleepin' Seacrest flashed his polished Chiclets for free--and was probably more memorable to a bunch of twenty-somethings in the audience than Toni Morrison will ever be.

But imagine how much Ryan Seacrest could charge if he was a semi-famous retired astronaut.

Harvard has a mumps outbreak.

Forty students have come down with the virus and the school is worried it could affect the May 26th commencement.

There have now been 40 confirmed cases of mumps at #Harvard. https://t.co/gPVJYsENGF pic.twitter.com/1agjus0GPf

— The Harvard Crimson (@thecrimson) April 26, 2016

This is very reminiscent of the time I graduated college with a cold.

In that no one really cared.

Study: There's a 75% chance a college student is defined as "nontraditional" these days.

A "nontraditional" student attending a college or university was usually defined as such because of their age. Think of your average 40 or 50-something going back to school to earn a degree.

But that definition has changed. According to the site EducationDive, which used data from The U.S. Department of Education, "nontraditional" today is now defined by three distinct characteristics.


1.) Did you enroll by typical standards?

In essence, did you graduate high school and immediately attend college in the fall? Or did you spend a year backpacking across Europe while picking up a habit for smoking clove cigarettes with a Swedish guy named Bjorn that you met at a hostel in Austria?

Or did you take a semester off in your sophomore year? Maybe because Bjorn was visiting?

Any sort of delay in your four-year college track now defines you as "nontraditional."


2.) What's your financial status?

Are you independent from the teet of mom and dad's checkbook? Can you afford your own groceries without needing a care package in the mail? Are you paying for college so your parents can retire before they're 90? Do you pay for your own apartment (and now, being a poor college student, have diseased lungs because you could only afford an apartment with a mold infestation), or did mom and dad throw cash at some shady landlord for you?

If you're not sucking your parents' bank accounts dry, you're considered a "nontraditional" student.


3.) Did you graduate with a high school diploma or something else, like a GED?

Those in power might call it a "high school equivalency degree," but nowadays there's nothing equal about how you're viewed. Did you get a GED instead? Apparently that makes you "nontraditional" in college, even if the GED is regarding your high school career, not beyond.

Take a second to think the logic through on that one.

As it is, with such broad-reaching characteristics at play, "nontraditional" students now make up three out of every four people attending college.

So if you follow the typical American stereotype of going to college straight out of high school, graduate in four years, and live off your parents, you know what you are now?

A weirdo.

A new college ranking says your best bet is to go to...CUNY Bernard M. Baruch College?

A ranking of 900 colleges and universities by a company called CollegeNet focused not on prestige, but on how much bang for your buck you get for attending the institution. Specifically, how well do various places of higher learning provide improvement on economic mobility and how affordable are these schools to families of disadvantaged financial means?

The top ten schools according to CollegeNet are nothing remotely close to those found in the Princeton Review or U.S. News and World Report's annual listings.

CollegeNet's ten are (with U.S. News and World Report's ranking as comparison):

And where do U.S. News and World Report's top five colleges and universities rank on CollegeNet's social mobility index?

I think we all kind of knew on some level that what's-its-face school...hold on, let me look it up again...uhh...CUNY Bernard M. Baruch College was where we all dreamed to go.


Ranking Graphs: CollegeNet, U.S. News, via Yahoo

University of Michigan student claims her family making $250,000 a year makes them middle class.

Defining what is middle-class is a fickle definition. The U.S. Census Bureau defines middle class in the United States as a median household income of $51,017. That said, the middle class varies. What's middle class in Massachusetts or New York is different than what qualifies as middle class in Mississippi or Alabama. But median is median. Massachusetts and Mississippi meet each other at some point, and it's regularly well under $100,000. Well, well, well under $100,000 for a family.

But that doesn't stop University of Michigan student Jesse Klein from claiming in the school newspaper that she is really middle class--despite her family earning over $250,000 a year and living in a $2 million home in Palo Alto.

"My family's household income is $250,000 a year, but I promise you I am middle class," says Klein in her article. "I live in a $2 million dollar house, but I promise you I am still middle class. It has one story, doesn't have a pool or its own movie theater. It is a modest three-bedroom, two-bath."

It doesn't have a movie theater? That's slumming it. And she did promise us...

Klein's story has raised the angst of people around the country who debate the merits of what makes someone middle class. (Psst: it's not $2 million homes). Palo Alto is an affluent neighborhood, but even there the median household income isn't a quarter million.

Indeed, the last demographic statistics for median household income for Palo Alto was $119,046--which is still lower than Ms. Klein's idea of middle class--by more than half of her estimate.

The problem for Klein is a matter of perspective, and to a degree, ridiculousness. While the median income of her hometown might be $119,046, the University of Michigan reports that 63% of all incoming freshman claim a family income of over $100,000. In essence, Klein has no idea how the majority of the world--the majority of America--lives, if only because everyone she grew up and attends college with is equally affluent.

And apparently, the University of Michigan has no idea as well.

There's a bubble, and sometimes it's hard to see outside it.

Study suggests that economic divide is growing rapidly between America's richest and poorest.

The Alliance for Higher Education and Democracy released a study that suggests the gap between America's richest and poorest is playing out most rapidly in higher education statistics.

In the last 40 years, the percentage of America's poorest students (those making $34,160 a year or less) who've attained a bachelor's degree by the age of 24 rose only from 6% to 9% of that entire economic class. Meanwhile, in the same time span, America's wealthiest students have now graduated by 24 at much greater rates--increasing from 44% to 77%.

The more money your family makes, the more reliably you tend to graduate college. 99% of students from America's absolutely wealthiest families (those making $108,650 or more) graduate by the age of 24.

Why the disparity? Experts can't pinpoint the reason, but one glaring fact stands out.

The average cost to attend college in 2012 is more than two times what it was in 1975--when the federal Pell Grant student assistance program was created. Back in 1975, Pell Grants covered 67% of college costs. By 2012, Pell only covered 27%. Higher costs, less assistance.

Likewise, says David Zimmerman, an economics professor at Williams College in Massachusetts, there's a gross lack of low-income students at America's most premier colleges and universities.

So that American dream you always hear about? It's still really just a dream.

The top-20 colleges and universities with four-year graduation rates.

On average, 41% of incoming undergraduates actually graduate on time (in four years). That number differs drastically based on a variety of factors (states, schools, etc.).

But some schools are just better at getting their students out the door on time with a diploma--which U.S. News and World Report documents in their list of colleges and universities with highest graduation rates.

Experts claim the following schools are more selective with choosing students for admission, thus bringing in a higher caliber individual who will graduate on time. Any validity to that? Meh.

I say that 17 out of the top 20 schools are all on the east or west coast. The midwest? They're bumming around.

So oceans make people graduate faster. Any validity to that? Damn right.

School	4-year graduation rate
1.) Webb Institute Glen Cove, NY	92%
2.) Bowdoin College Brunswick, ME	91%
3.) Carleton College Northfield, MN	91%
4.) Williams College Williamstown, MA	91%
5.) College of the Holy Cross Worcester, MA	90%
6.) Columbia University New York, NY	90%
7.) Boston College Chestnut Hill, MA	89%
8.) Davidson College Davidson, NC	89%
9.) Georgetown University Washington, DC	89%
10.) Haverford College Haverford, PA	89%
11.) Lafayette College Easton, PA	89%
12.) Pomona College Claremont, CA	89%
13.) University of Notre Dame Notre Dame, IN	89%
14.) Yale University New Haven, CT	89%
15.) Dartmouth College Hanover, NH	88%
16.) Johns Hopkins University Baltimore, MD	88%
17.) Middlebury College Middlebury, VT	88%
18.) Princeton University Princeton, NJ	88%
19.) Washington and Lee University  Lexington, VA	88%
20.) Washington University in St. Louis         St. Louis, MO	88%

Admittedly, 900-thread count sheets do sound pretty sweet.

There was a time when college students ate Ramen for breakfast, wore used underwear for three straight days to avoid doing laundry, and considered the Taco Bell drive-thru a swanky night out.

C'est la vie.

The Wall Street Journal has a story about concierges catering to college students who need, among other things...

...an authentic mariachi band
...to ship 300 bottles of perfume
...hard-to-get restaurant reservations and sporting event tickets
...to have someone appeal speeding tickets and pay the fine at court
...bedrooms and apartments furnished and decorated
...extra-long, twin, 900-thread count sheets


The twin sheets didn't happen, as such a thing doesn't regularly exist. The rest? All were catered to by various concierge services.

Hara Estroff Marano, editor at Psychology Today, isn't a fan, and tells the Journal, "Any parent who subscribes to or subsidizes this should really have their head examined."

It's pretty bad when the editor at Psychology Today whips out the amateur mic night comedy material to mock you.

71-year old Michigan man holds 29 college degrees, somehow still married.

The wife works full-time while he goes to college full-time--and they've done this for nearly fifty years.

Apparently Michigan is a wonderful world of Shangri-La where doppelgangers of Mother Teresa moonlight as wives.

Memories from College Graduation--#3

With many colleges and universities holding commencement ceremonies this weekend, I look back on my own undergrad graduation:

My graduation dinner consisted of a late night trip to Panera before it closed.

I didn't have to pay.

Memories from College Graduation--#2

With many colleges and universities holding commencement ceremonies this weekend, I look back on my own undergrad graduation:

The school couldn't find a special commencement speaker, so the college president gave a speech instead.

In a great moment of candor, the graduating class was told for fifteen minutes how we were entering the worst economy since our grandparents were babies. That many of us would struggle to find jobs. That life would be hard and dreams would be put on hold or never happen at all. But, hey, good luck out there!

A young woman sitting beside me: "Jesus, I'm depressed. I need a drink."

Memories from College Graduation--#1

With many colleges and universities holding commencement ceremonies this weekend, I look back on my own undergrad graduation:

My undergrad institution held it at night in the school gymnasium under basketball netting, in what, I presume, was an attempt to recreate all the magic of a high school graduation ceremony but with half the enthusiasm. About 1% of the faculty showed up.

I was given a t-shirt three sizes too large from the school. Today, I wear it as a summer dress, a sexy mini.

10 Things Your Commencement Speaker Won't Tell You

Charles Wheelan of the Wall Street Journal wrote 10 Things Your Commencement Speaker Won't Tell You the other day. It's everything you'd expect a gentleman of a higher socio-economic background to tell you, with stellar tidbits like:

"It's all borrowed time. You shouldn't take anything for granted."

HOLD ON! Let me get the steno pad and pencil out. Borrowed time, you say? Don't...take...things...for...granted. Jotting that nugget down. Got it!

But Chuck is just rehashing yesterday's homefries. If you're taking things for granted, odds are you're taking Chuck Wheelan's advice for granted, too, so his article is a little self-defeating, no?

So here's my own 10 Things Your Commencement Speaker Won't Tell You:


1.) Eat more Taco Bell.

Listen, cheap and fatty fast food is probably on the horizon for you at some point or another. You'll either be broke after getting off the gravy train of mommy and daddy that you've ridden in college, or you're going to become one of the tens of millions of Americans who's morbidly obese. There's a 50/50 shot you'll probably die of heart disease at some point eventually, so why spend a lot of money in the process? I'm fairly certain Taco Bell's "beef" is just modified zesty cat food anyway.

Which brings me to...


2.) Eat more cat food.

Just cut out the middle man at this point.


3.) Get a pet.

You shouldn't have a baby before you can handle a pet. Fish don't count either. No one's impressed by your ability to keep a betta fish alive two weeks while vacationing somewhere. You need something capable of dying after a few days of neglect. A cat is good. A dog is better. A dog with failing kidneys and a bad hip is best.

Don't get a snake or a bird. That's for lonely people.


4.) Don't read.

Don't read what you're supposed to at least. Don't read what your old professors like, what Oprah enjoys, or what your best friend swears by. (Just say no to Twilight.)

Professors are biased. Oprah is nuts. And your friend is probably functionally illiterate.


5.) Don't travel to Europe.

Listen, if you're traveling to Europe, odds are you're setting back international relations by a solid fifty years. There's a reason Europeans hate Americans, and a lot of it has to do with your affinity for cheap beer. That might work in a dorm room, but it ain't flying at Westminster Abbey.

Save the European vacations for when you're elderly--when bedtimes are at 7pm and the hardest thing you'll drink is pudding.


6.) Don't eat anything bigger than your head.

That 2lb Fuddruckers cheeseburger? Don't go there.


7.) Be a real person.

It's great that you're highly skilled at brown-nosing. You're really angling for that middle-management position someday that'll make your soul dead and vacant by the time you're 40. Congrats! Having a large supply of Chapstick on hand to kiss butt for the next fifty years of your life is admirable, but it'll lead to a life of misery, monotony, and expensive therapy bills.

In the meantime, do me a favor and be a real person. Be a contrarian. Feel free to go against popular opinion when warranted. Life isn't an Up With People routine, and drum circles won't occur nearly as often as you hope.

Grapes don't just grow on a vine, y'know?


8.) Wear pants.

Odds are you don't have the legs for anything else.


9.) Always keep people hanging.

Which brings us to #10...

In other words, world domination is about to commence.

Yahoo! Education (it exists?) has an article listing college majors that are "useless."

On the list? Majors in agriculture, horticulture, theater, fashion design, and animal science.

Not on the list? English major.

So the next time your mother or father suggests your career path is totally useless, remind them you could be studying grass. And you're not even a pothead.

Nigerian newborn has a diploma and makes $150 a month.

He's been making $150 since before he was born.

Some say it's Nigerian corruption run amuck.

Others say Nigerian fetuses are just whizzes at math.

Brooks Brothers now makes college clothing, just in case you weren't pretentious enough.

Is your name Ambrose, Hampton, or some other similarly-sounding elite name? Did you attend boarding school with a future sheik of some Middle Eastern country who may or may not be a dictator right now? Have you ever had the urge to wear a monocle? Are you a preppy, young gentleman of higher breeding with a penchant for wearing wing-tip shoes made from the leather hide of a two week old baby calf while you sashay across campus to your Benz?

More importantly, are you concerned that the lower masses are wearing preppy clothing with much too greater frequency for your liking, and are looking for a way to distinguish your family's wealth from the filthy wretches of the middle and lower classes?

Well, good news! Brooks Brothers Clothier, America's oldest, known for their high-end clothing, has decided to create a line of shirts, ties, and other accoutrements specifically for 15 colleges and universities.

According to Gawker.com, this means these 15 colleges and universities now house the most unbearable student bodies. Those 15, ranked in unbearability according to Gawker?

15. The U.S. Naval Academy
14. Stanford
13. Georgia
12. Vanderbilt
11. Alabama
10. Cornell
9. Virginia
8. Auburn
7. Ohio State
6. Princeton
5. Georgetown
4. Boston College
3. NYU
2. Notre Dame
1. Harvard

I actually attend the 4th-most unbearable school. But I'm the redheaded stepchild there. Forget Brooks Brothers, I can't even afford Jonas Brothers clothing.

America's smartest cities are also none too bright.

Mark Twain said there were lies, damned lies, and statistics. Mark Twain was also potentially psychic. Just throwing that out there.

CNN and Yahoo came out with a list of American cities with the highest percentage of citizens with bachelor's degrees. According to this news piece, these places are the "smartest" and "brainiest" places to live.

"Brainiest" is one of those things people say when they don't know what else to call "smart." It conjures images of an amateur sleuth solving murder mysteries--kind of like Angela Lansbury in Murder, She Wrote, except with less osteoporosis and no prune juice.

Does graduating with an undergrad degree actually equal intelligence for a population? Sure, if you completely disregard other facts.

See, look at that:
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It says New York City is the 10th smartest city in America.

Except this other news story from USA Today says NYC is also only one of three major American cities that fails to graduate 40% of its population from high school.

Huh.

My guess? New Yorkers are pretty brainy on how to avoid the truant officer.

Less pomp, more circumstance.

Congratulations, boys and girls of the class of 2009! Through your hard work (or laziness), dedication (or indifference), and financial perseverance (or parents' money and care packages) you've made it through college.

Let's break down the obvious next few steps in your life during and immediately following this momentous occasion:

1.) Caps and gowns can only be worn once. Like a wedding dress, a prom dress, or your birthday suit (hey, oh!), you'll never get a chance to wear the same one again. Make sure you get your $50 worth out of that outfit. Turn the gown into a summer skirt or a light shawl. Men can turn their gowns into a saucy pair of pantaloons. Mortarboard seem useless? Its flat surface will work as a great alternative to a serving tray at a restaurant when you work to make ends meet.

2.) Odds are you come from on of two types of friends and family circles. One type of circle will give you large quantities of cash for graduating, as if you're a Colombian drug smuggler with a penchant for cheap gold jewelry and pinkie rings. Don't dissuade these people from lavishing you with these gifts. In fact, encourage them to keep the gravy train flowing. Cry poor mouth. Are you mom and dad's only child? Make sure to subtly remind them you could die at any moment from swine flu or from an accident in your poorly assembled American made car. Odds are your parents fear two things: your untimely demise, or that you'll embarrass them in life with your shoddy work ethic and party lifestyle. Guarantee them that large sums of cash will assure neither of those will happen.

The other friends and family circle is the type that will show up to your graduation and then bail before they're forced to give you anything. Don't expect money. Don't expect a gift. Don't even expect a $2.99 card with a "Follow your dreams!" message. The only thing to expect is a night out for some fast food by yourself followed by quietly hoping you're adopted.

3.) If you enjoy stereotypes (and I know you do!), there's a good chance you'll take a vacation somewhere. Slinging on a backpack and going to Europe is always a popular choice. If foreign linguistics scare you, the Englands and Irelands of the world await you with almost-coherent English spoken.

If you like your exotic European locales, but only enjoy ones you can associate with cheap American restaurants, then Italy is for you! According to Pizza Hut commercials, even Italians love cheap American versions of Italian food these days.

Just want to wear a bikini/Speedo on a beach? Deals to Mexico can be had for a steal these days.

4.) If you're a do-gooder with a traveling jones, then the next step in life might possibly be visiting some third world nation, where a Sally Struther's lookalike awaits you to help feed the children. It can be a Travel Channel experience blended with a Mother Teresa vibe that is second to none. Since you've just graduated college, you've already established you're not afraid of commitment for at least a few years, and most of these do-gooder programs demand one to two years of your time. Did you just have an ugly break-up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Is the prospect of living at home with your parents not enticing? This might be the route in life to take!

5.) If you're someone who is too poor to travel, or just a xenophobic with a fear of flying, then it's time to jump right into that job hunt! Congratulations on graduating into the worst economy since your grandparents were swaddled in diapers.

There are a few words everyone throw around these days, so it's best if you know what to say. "Networking" is a popular word and is all the rage. Facebook, job fairs, random weddings, hob-knobbing with the homeless people in parks are all forms of networking. Getting a coffee at Starbucks? Ask the barista for their number and if they know any job contacts. When you have conversations with nosy adults with steady jobs who ask you about your job hunt, tell them you're networking passionately and are really making connections. This can be a total lie, but it makes it sound like you're trying if you say it in an upbeat voice.

6.) Got a job interview lined up? Dress the part. Those pantaloons you made out of your graduation gown? Not a good choice. That "Colege" t-shirt you wear to look ironic? Not going to be a winner. Possible employers want to make sure your soul is already dying and don't want to see any imagination alive in you. Business attire straight off the Macy's clearance rack will work nicely, and shows the assimilation is underway within you! When in doubt, always go for the cotton/poly blends. Though rayon works in a jiffy.

7.) Miss those days of college when your biggest concern was trying to get to your 9:30am American Lit class only 10 minutes late? Try to relive those days while battling traffic on the way to your new job. Try to keep your lateness to 10 to 15 minutes, tops. If your new boss asks why you're late, tell him there was an accident or construction crews working. Or combine the two and say there was an accident with construction crews. Don't let your imagination run wild though. Remember, employers don't like that.

8.) And when all else fails and you wonder if this whole college thing was worth it, realize that with your shiny new degree you can always go around and tell people you're educated. Not smart necessarily, but at least educated. After all, where else did you learn to make those pantaloons?