Congratulations, boys and girls of the class of 2009! Through your hard work (or laziness), dedication (or indifference), and financial perseverance (or parents' money and care packages) you've made it through college.
Let's break down the obvious next few steps in your life during and immediately following this momentous occasion:
1.) Caps and gowns can only be worn once. Like a wedding dress, a prom dress, or your birthday suit (hey, oh!), you'll never get a chance to wear the same one again. Make sure you get your $50 worth out of that outfit. Turn the gown into a summer skirt or a light shawl. Men can turn their gowns into a saucy pair of pantaloons. Mortarboard seem useless? Its flat surface will work as a great alternative to a serving tray at a restaurant when you work to make ends meet.
2.) Odds are you come from on of two types of friends and family circles. One type of circle will give you large quantities of cash for graduating, as if you're a Colombian drug smuggler with a penchant for cheap gold jewelry and pinkie rings. Don't dissuade these people from lavishing you with these gifts. In fact, encourage them to keep the gravy train flowing. Cry poor mouth. Are you mom and dad's only child? Make sure to subtly remind them you could die at any moment from swine flu or from an accident in your poorly assembled American made car. Odds are your parents fear two things: your untimely demise, or that you'll embarrass them in life with your shoddy work ethic and party lifestyle. Guarantee them that large sums of cash will assure neither of those will happen.
The other friends and family circle is the type that will show up to your graduation and then bail before they're forced to give you anything. Don't expect money. Don't expect a gift. Don't even expect a $2.99 card with a "Follow your dreams!" message. The only thing to expect is a night out for some fast food by yourself followed by quietly hoping you're adopted.
3.) If you enjoy stereotypes (and I know you do!), there's a good chance you'll take a vacation somewhere. Slinging on a backpack and going to Europe is always a popular choice. If foreign linguistics scare you, the Englands and Irelands of the world await you with almost-coherent English spoken.
If you like your exotic European locales, but only enjoy ones you can associate with cheap American restaurants, then Italy is for you! According to Pizza Hut commercials, even Italians love cheap American versions of Italian food these days.
Just want to wear a bikini/Speedo on a beach? Deals to Mexico can be had for a steal these days.
4.) If you're a do-gooder with a traveling jones, then the next step in life might possibly be visiting some third world nation, where a Sally Struther's lookalike awaits you to help feed the children. It can be a Travel Channel experience blended with a Mother Teresa vibe that is second to none. Since you've just graduated college, you've already established you're not afraid of commitment for at least a few years, and most of these do-gooder programs demand one to two years of your time. Did you just have an ugly break-up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Is the prospect of living at home with your parents not enticing? This might be the route in life to take!
5.) If you're someone who is too poor to travel, or just a xenophobic with a fear of flying, then it's time to jump right into that job hunt! Congratulations on graduating into the worst economy since your grandparents were swaddled in diapers.
There are a few words everyone throw around these days, so it's best if you know what to say. "Networking" is a popular word and is all the rage. Facebook, job fairs, random weddings, hob-knobbing with the homeless people in parks are all forms of networking. Getting a coffee at Starbucks? Ask the barista for their number and if they know any job contacts. When you have conversations with nosy adults with steady jobs who ask you about your job hunt, tell them you're networking passionately and are really making connections. This can be a total lie, but it makes it sound like you're trying if you say it in an upbeat voice.
6.) Got a job interview lined up? Dress the part. Those pantaloons you made out of your graduation gown? Not a good choice. That "Colege" t-shirt you wear to look ironic? Not going to be a winner. Possible employers want to make sure your soul is already dying and don't want to see any imagination alive in you. Business attire straight off the Macy's clearance rack will work nicely, and shows the assimilation is underway within you! When in doubt, always go for the cotton/poly blends. Though rayon works in a jiffy.
7.) Miss those days of college when your biggest concern was trying to get to your 9:30am American Lit class only 10 minutes late? Try to relive those days while battling traffic on the way to your new job. Try to keep your lateness to 10 to 15 minutes, tops. If your new boss asks why you're late, tell him there was an accident or construction crews working. Or combine the two and say there was an accident with construction crews. Don't let your imagination run wild though. Remember, employers don't like that.
8.) And when all else fails and you wonder if this whole college thing was worth it, realize that with your shiny new degree you can always go around and tell people you're educated. Not smart necessarily, but at least educated. After all, where else did you learn to make those pantaloons?
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