Kentucky's annual budget looks to cut 1/3 of funding to libraries, which would force some to close.

"Kentucky is a cultural bastion of intellectual pursuits," said no one ever.

Which explains why Kentucky legislators have proposed cutting state funding to libraries from $7.8 million to $5.3 million, with additional language written into the bill that funding only go toward construction costs--mainly to support government bonds already committed to.

As the Lexington Herald Leader notes, many poor, rural communities that rely heavily on state aid to maintain a library might need to close.

"For the Hickman County library, state aid makes up 57 percent of the budget. For Knott County's library, it's 23 percent. For Livington County's library, it's 22 percent."

Republican lawmakers believe libraries have been receiving too much support while sitting on reserves of cash, as if librarians are Scrooge McDuck diving into a sea of gold coins.

"Some of them are sitting on quite a bit of cash, and I’ve been contacted from a lot of fiscal courts and county judge-executives saying our libraries keep raising taxes and we can’t do anything about it," said House Budget chairman Steve Rudy (R), Paducah.

Yes--those pesky libraries that somehow have the authority to just raise taxes randomly. Happens all the time.

A close approximation of what Kentucky lawmakers think librarians are doing

Some counties are cripplingly poor. As the Herald Leader notes, 22% of Powell County's 12,442 residents live in poverty. They only receive $13,000 in library aid from the state, which covers the cost of electricity, internet services, and programming for adults. Not salaries, not for new books. Just basic functioning of the building.

"In our area, quite a lot of the community doesn't have access to the Internet," one librarian told the newspaper. "You can come to us or you can go to the McDonald's or the Dairy Queen. But the difference is, we don't make you order anything to use the Internet. And not everyone has five bucks to spend around here just to go online."

That's right. The Dairy Queen in town in where all poor children should go to learn after school. Where else can they get internet access AND learn about the culinary delights that is soft serve?

Photos with Drake are an NCAA violation. Also boring.

Colleges and universities self-report violations they commit against the NCAA code of conduct from the previous year. It's a way of hoping that the mea culpa saves them from losing scholarships or lucrative invitations to bowl games and March Madness. It's also just a polite way of saying, "Oh, snap! My bad! Honest mistake!"

Which brings us to the University of Kentucky, which once reported that their former point guard (who has now gone pro), Tyler Ulis, created a violation when he met Drake backstage after a concert in 2015.

6⃣🙏 @champagnepapi

A photo posted by Tyler Ulis (@tulis3) on May 30, 2015 at 2:47pm PDT

The chills! The excitement!

This looks about as comfortable as a sixth-grade school dance.

It seems that one of Drake's management team recognized Ulis in the crowd (Wait--whaaaa?--because he's addicted to Kentucky basketball?) and invited him backstage. This was a problem because Drake is a big supporter of Kentucky basketball, for reasons only he and his own personal god understand.

This recent post from a few weeks ago on Instagram continues the Kentucky love:

Cold blooded. 💰✅ #BIGBLUE

A photo posted by champagnepapi (@champagnepapi) on Dec 17, 2016 at 4:40pm PST

Why a guy from Toronto loves Kentucky basketball is like a modern-day Riddle of the Sphinx. Who knows?

Drake's Instagram game is a bit weak. He has over 35 million followers who revel in pictures of Drake, uhh, leaving a hotel:

A photo posted by champagnepapi (@champagnepapi) on Dec 8, 2016 at 9:37pm PST

Goodness. I haven't seen such a thrilling moment since I stood outside a nearby Motel 6 for ten minutes.

It's becoming readily apparent that the only real violation here is that Drake's social media accounts are criminally boring.

Kentucky Fried Chicken doesn't like your sense of humor and/or Keanu Reeves.

Canadian Bret Litke and his roommate have a sense of humor. They live in Edmonton--so they have to have a sense of humor. You would, too, if you lived in the northernmost part of Canada that has a pulse and where winter resides 11.5 months a year.

According to Imgur user roxXorbot, Litke and his roommate decided to constantly call the Kentucky Fried Chicken hotline for customer concerns, inundate their fax number, and repeatedly mail letters for good measure.

KFC was not pleased.

Colonel Sanders and friends finally replied to Litke with a formal letter asking him to cease with the phone calls, faxes, and casual letters. Four somewhat pleading "please stop"s and one demanding "Don't contact us again" fill the letter, as follows:

I don't think you'd get this sort of disrespect from Popeye's.

Popeye's probably appreciates Keanu Reeves.

Kentucky governor isn't a fan of French literature.

Mongolia, not Kentucky.

Molière and Alexandre Dumas might want to sit down for this one.

The bastion of great intellect that we've all come to associate with the state of Kentucky is frowning at the idea of students graduating with degrees in French literature.

In a speech about proposed budge spending, Kentucky Gov. Mike Bevin argued that the state's colleges and universities aren't producing enough students with degrees for "things people want." Bevin wants to allocate tax money in proportion to graduation rates within programs. In essence, a school that graduates more electrical engineers will receive more funding than a school with higher numbers of Molière enthusiasts.

"All the people in the world that want to study French literature can do so, they are just not going to be subsidized by the taxpayer," said Bevin.

And Bevin should know what sort of "things people want" in a degree, since he received his bachelors in East Asian Studies.

Yes, yes--because when we think of Kentucky politics, we often think of the relationship to Mongolia and the like. I'm still stunned whenever I travel to Louisville and don't see a yurt.

Kentucky high school cross country runner quits race on account her assigned bib number was 666.

Satan moves in mysterious ways, and that apparently includes within rural Kentucky regional high school races.

Codie Thacker, a Whitley County High School junior, was to represent her school in a regional cross country race--that is until the bib number assigned to her was 666.

According to local TV station WLEX 18, Thacker refused to run unless her number was changed.

"I didn't want to risk my relationship with God and try to take that number," she said, knowing full well God only appreciates non-repetitive numbers.

Thacker and her coach asked race representatives to change the number, but were refused. Race officials claim Thacker never claimed it was over religious reasons--otherwise, officials say, they would have bowed to her demands.

Of course, does 666 actually refer to Satan? No, probably not. It likely refers to Nero, that sweetheart of the Roman Empire--but why quibble?

It's more fun when we pretend Satan has a vested interest in high school athletics.

Study: Poor children are the majority in public schools in America's West and South.

Hooray, America...!(?)








Hat tip to New Mexico, Kentucky, Mississippi, and Louisiana for keeping that majority poverty number running for over a decade now.

Stay classy!




Infographic: Washington Post

Ancient language spoken for the first time in thousands of years.

All Indo-European languages spoken today descended from one primary source. That primary language--known today as the Proto-Indo-European (or PIE) language--is believed to have been spoken between 4500-2500 BC, yet there has never been any written text to go off (our ancient ancestors slacked a bit in this regard), and obviously no recordings of the language spoken (our ancient ancestors slacked a bit in this regard, too).

But as Archeology magazine tells us, what that language sounded like is no longer a mystery. University of Kentucky's Dr. Andrew Byrd used a reconstructed alphabet of PIE that was created in 1868 by German linguist August Schleicher and read a fable (also created by Schleicher) to finally put the language to sound.

And what you get is this:

While no one can be certain if the pronunciations are quite perfect (linguists are sticklers on these things), Byrd says his recreation is "a very educated approximation."

In case you're wondering what Byrd is saying in PIE while reciting the Sheep and Horses fable, Archeology supplies us with this translation:

---------------
The Sheep and the Horses

A sheep that had no wool saw horses, one of them pulling a heavy wagon, one carrying a big load, and one carrying a man quickly. The sheep said to the horses: "My heart pains me, seeing a man driving horses." The horses said: "Listen, sheep, our hearts pain us when we see this: a man, the master, makes the wool of the sheep into a warm garment for himself. And the sheep has no wool." Having heard this, the sheep fled into the plain.
---------------

What can we take away from this fable? Sheep are sensitive. Also cold.

Fashionable Words: Kerfuffle

[Sometimes words die out of fashion. But sometimes those words are good words, words with a certain appeal that can't be denied forever. Those words should be brought back into fashion, used frequently and used often. These are those words.]

Word:
Kerfuffle


Definition:   noun
A commotion, disturbance, or fuss.


Origin:
Depends on which spelling you like with your kerfuffle.

According to the OED, kerfuffle was born in 1946 in That Summer, and other stories, a book by New Zealand's own Frank Sargeson. Sargeson only gets credit for the standard spelling in use today though, so tough shakes, Frank.

The original Scottish curfuffle (also known as gefuffle, because Scots love words that sound like you're four sheets to the wind) came from poet George Bruce in 1813, specifically from this jaunty little line:

An' Jeanie's kirtle, aye sae neat, Gat there a sad carfuffle.

It's even more fun when you try to say it like Ewan MacGregor in Trainspotting!

Sir David Lyndsay looking to start trouble.

Kerfuffle/curfuffle both have fuffle at their roots--meaning 'to throw into disorder, to jerk about'--which takes our etymology train back to 1536, when Scottish poet and diplomat Sir David Lyndsay first used the fuffle in his work Answer to Kingis Flyting.
[Not for nothing side story: Lyndsay rose through the ranks of Scottish court under James V (best known as Mary, Queen of Scots' dad). Yet for a man who was Scotland's point man on many international diplomatic events, there's no knowledge of Lyndsay's youth, education, upbringing, or even when he officially died. Is Lyndsay still alive today? Sure, why the hell not. Unsubstantiated, obscure, historical rumors--only on The Toolbox!]



The prefix cur- most likely comes from the Gaelic car (twist or turn about). Meanwhile, the prefix ker- is possibly influenced by cur-, so says the OED, but is really just an onomatopoeic formation to create the sound of something. (Think: "Kersplash!") For reasons unknown, the OED says ker- is generally considered vulgar, but doesn't explain.

There you go--I just offended you, and you didn't even realize it.


Most obscure UrbanDictionary.com definitions of kerfuffle:

4.  Basically used by Lou Reed from Little Britain. It means a state, a problem or a hassle.

8.  A cough that makes you fart.

10.  A very very rare sighting of a beaver-like animal with a mullet...it was seen in the backwoods of southern Kentucky...it had very large buck teeth and the people were not sure if it was a hillbilly that had moved into the wild or a very large beaver with a mullet.


Used in a sentence:
1.  Martha's new fruit punch recipe caused quite a kerfuffle at the church social once everyone found out it was made with seven kinds of liquor.


Word Awesomeness Scale (1 to 5):
Four.

Sounds less threatening than it actually is.

Kentucky teacher allegedly thinks half of you reading this are going to hell.

You can't be a Democrat & go to Heaven.

That's what Kendra Baker, a Kentucky civics and history teacher for 17 years, allegedly wrote on a white board in her classroom. She and the school district claim she was just quoting a student who made the very same comment.

Why Baker was quoting the student, no one knows. Why did Plato quote Socrates? When deep insight on the human condition occurs, you don't want to deny it.

Baker's quote broke district policy 8.1353, a vague catch-all rule that states, in essence, teachers have to behave themselves. She had to apologize to the class as a result.

I'd prefer a little more insight on Baker's alleged statement though. Can I be a Socialist? Communist? Fascist? A Ralph Nader supporter? Where do we draw the line?

Know Your State College English Departments Simply by Their Website, Part Two: Westfield State College

State schools are plucky. Massachusetts state colleges are pluckier than most. When you're the (sort of) next door neighbor to the Harvards and M.I.T.s of the world, you need to put your best foot forward to get recognized. It's all in the presentation. So, in an attempt to learn more about our Massachusetts state college brethren, it's time to examine the English department websites of all state colleges and see what they put out there to the general public for all to learn about them.

Next up: Westfield State College

The website for the Westfield State College English Department welcomes you with this photo--a collage of everything that makes writing and literature great. This includes purple trees lightly sketched over the photos. I'm sure it alludes to something literature-ish if you just give me a few minutes to think about it.

((thinks))

Nope. Got me. I don't know what the purple trees mean. Not a clue.

Granted, Westfield State likes to keep you guessing. The main web page for the college shows a rotation of news at the school where we're told this stunning news: "Our students are studing abroad in China." That's right--studing. It's quite possible Westfield State has started putting their students out to pasture in China. 

What might also have been put out to pasture is the English Department website for the college, too. Some basic sleuthing (ie: looking at the bottom of the page) shows they haven't updated the main page since 2007. Granted, 2007 was probably a fantastic year for the department, so why let the memories fade? While they're at it, they'll also let you know what sort of course electives you can take for the 2006 school year, too. Have you been jonesing to take Contemporary Cross-Cultural Literature? Well, good news. It's available for the Spring 2006 semester. Plan accordingly.

What they have up to date is the department calendar. They just happen to let that run three years into the past as well, just in case you were wondering what was planned in October 2007. (Note: you just barely missed the Student Poetry Slam by 28 months.)

Are you looking for a job in the department? Well, I can report that in 2006 no jobs were available. That said, Westfield State offers a random blurb right after that giving a brief breakdown of what makes Westfield, MA, so appealing to live and work:
 

Western Massachusetts abounds with cultural and recreational activities (Ed. note: only in the summertime really), making it an especially nice place for academic and family life. (If you're a single person, well, hey, you're out of luck.) Westfield is located within half an hour of Northampton and an hour of Amherst with their celebrated bookstores, shops, cafes, and libraries. (So, you might be more interested in teaching at UMass Amherst or Amherst College instead.) Tanglewood and summer stock theatre in the Berkshires are less than an hour away. Both Boston and New York City are easy day trips. (Please ignore Springfield, MA, right next door, unless you like the sweet smell of desperation.) Set on the edge of the Berkshires, (just not quite in it, shucks!) Westfield is a city with a strong sense of history and tradition since its founding in 1669. Besides its indoor as well as outdoor recreational activities (Indoor activities? Like what? Shuffleboard and canasta?), the city boasts fine schools and reasonable housing costs. (It's Massachusetts. "Reasonable housing costs" is a loose term.)

Do you have an interest in theater? No? Good. Neither does Westfield State. Because the website link to the department's program ceases to exist. Feel free to click here just to wax nostalgic for the days when they actually had this as a live link.

Ahh, but activities do exist from the department. Sort of. Kind of. The page hasn't been updated since 2008--which is practically yesterday in Westfield State time--but it does show that they have an English Club, a Sigma Tau Delta Club, a literary journal called Persona, and a Renaissance Faire-esque dinner banquet between faculty and students where everyone wears costumes. Don't think I didn't just search Google for images of this dinner. I was hoping for a goldmine. Sadly, no. (But if anyone out there has photos, I've got a shiny nickel with your name on it.)

Yes, I admit, Westfield State seemingly forgot they have an English Department website. But I can't fault the students, if only because I suddenly realize I know them. Casually. As in I recognize faces. See, the English Honor Society has an international conference every year. A couple years ago it was in Louisville, KY (the hotbed of international intrigue), of which I attended to read a paper of mine. It's attended by hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people. Readings for nonfiction (which I was there for) are attended very well. At the end of my reading, some people from the audience came up to talk with me. Some offered politeness. Some offered praise. Some offered compliments. One such kind person was from Westfield State.

Well, it seems she was the VP of their chapter. Her face is all over the Westfield State English Honors website. Danielle Rice was her name. A pleasant, friendly, cheerful person. So, thank you, Ms. Rice, wherever you are. It was good to have a fellow Massachusetts state schooler there to offer encouraging words. Your kindness has always been remembered.

That's Westfield State College's English Department for you. Cheerful, happy students promoting the college in the best light. The website? Not so much. So, we'll pretend the website doesn't exist in its current form. Purple trees included.