Kentucky Fried Chicken doesn't like your sense of humor and/or Keanu Reeves.

Canadian Bret Litke and his roommate have a sense of humor. They live in Edmonton--so they have to have a sense of humor. You would, too, if you lived in the northernmost part of Canada that has a pulse and where winter resides 11.5 months a year.

According to Imgur user roxXorbot, Litke and his roommate decided to constantly call the Kentucky Fried Chicken hotline for customer concerns, inundate their fax number, and repeatedly mail letters for good measure.

KFC was not pleased.

Colonel Sanders and friends finally replied to Litke with a formal letter asking him to cease with the phone calls, faxes, and casual letters. Four somewhat pleading "please stop"s and one demanding "Don't contact us again" fill the letter, as follows:

I don't think you'd get this sort of disrespect from Popeye's.

Popeye's probably appreciates Keanu Reeves.

Some Famous Writer Once Lived Here: Oxford, Mississippi

Some Famous Writer Once Lived Here is where we check out cities or towns that--you guessed it--a famous writer once lived. Picture the illegitimate lovechild between the US Census report and a tourist pamphlet from a local chamber of commerce. What's it like there today? Here's where we find out.



Today:  William Faulkner once lived in Oxford, Mississippi:

William Faulkner has been called the Shakespeare of America. This is startling because it's difficult to picture Shakespeare with a southern accent and brandishing a shotgun.

At some point in the last hundred years, Mississippi gave up the title to most frightening American state to Alabama after a lengthy struggle where multiple lives were lost in a muddin' fiasco involving pickup trucks and four-wheelers largely adorned in Confederate flags. No one knows what happened specifically, but rumors abound that it involved light beer, six brain cells, and Alabama coming out on top. Strangely, it was a high point in Mississippi's history.

Alabama celebrates victory and defeat at the same time.

While you can still hear the frightening pluck of banjos and subtle din of monster trucks in the distance, Mississippi does have some fairly polite, even classy areas largely infiltrated by a strange phenomenon called "education."

Although anyone who has ever seen a professor wear a paisley sweater vest knows education can be frightening, too.


The basics of Oxford, Mississippi:

Location:
Far north from the Gulf coast, Oxford is only 85-miles away via major highways, or 78-miles via the minor variety, from Memphis, TN, reminding people that while it might not be Xanadu or desirable, Memphis is nearby and sure as hell isn't Mississippi.

Do not confuse Oxford, MS, with Oxford, England. Common mistake. But Oxford, England, is 4,336 miles away and involves heavy amounts of dry humor and rejoicing in the rain.

2010 Census:

Population: 18,916 people make up Oxford, up 61% since 2000. Almost 1-in-3 residents resides in poverty though, proving that--oh, wow--oh, god. A third are in poverty? One of the best parts of Mississippi has that much poverty? Oh, Christ. I give up. Just continue on without me. I'm done.

Racial Makeup: In 2010, 13 people claimed to be of Hawaiian or Pacific Islander backgrounds. That's up from 2 people during the 2000 census. Those 2 people were horribly, horribly lost from rogue Google Maps coordinates, it appears.


What to see, what to do in Oxford, Mississippi:

The top thing to do in Oxford, according to TripAdvisor? Visit the University of Mississippi! Nothing says a sexy vacation quite like spending all day roaming a random college campus in 90-degree heat, sipping bourbon, and yelling something about rebel pride. That'll be the envy of everyone on your Instagram feed.

The University of Mississippi goes by the nickname Ole Miss, which they claim is from their old yearbook title, the Ole Miss Annual, and has nothhhhing to do with slaves calling the wife of a plantation owner "ole miss." As if Mississippi would ever do something subtly racist. It's practically the ACLU of the south after all.

No Rhett Butler here.

There's also William Faulkner's estate, Rowan Oak. It's like Gone with the Wind's Tara Plantation, except with less Scarlett O'Hara chest-thumping, and Rhett Butler actually doesn't give a damn and never wants to be seen at Rowan Oak. For $5 you can tour the house and remember all of those Faulkner books you made sure never to read in college.

Do you like feeling depressed? There's the Confederate Cemetery in town. Yes. That Confederacy. Says Regina from Memphis on TripAdvisor, it is "wonderful history." Oh, Regina, no matter how you approach cemeteries or slavery, no one ever pauses and thinks, "Well, you know, that's some little slice of wonderfulness right there."

Feeling like a little church revival? Swing on into College Hill Presbyterian Church, famous for its antebellum architecture and where Faulkner got married. Are you a Presbyterian? Do you want to be? No? You're making this difficult for all involved.

When in doubt, there's always Wal-Mart located about two minutes outside of the University of Mississippi's campus. Phew.


Where to eat in Oxford:

Are you tired of Colonel Sanders and Kentucky's claim to fried chicken? Visit Gus's World Famous Fried Chicken then. Do you know Gus? No. Neither do I. Is Gus lying about being world famous? Let's just agree Gus has overstepped his proclamation just a tad.

Ajax Diner sells fried food as well, but also has toothpicks in the ceiling. I'm not sure why, but if the food doesn't sell you, low expectations might do the trick.

Looking for awkward names for your restaurant of choice? There's Handy Andy. Admit it--you raised an eyebrow wondering what Andy's getting handsy over, too. Is he good with general contracting work? Sure, let's assume that.


Isn't Aubigny-sur-Nère, France, a sister city of Oxford?

Yes. And like most siblings, it really doesn't want to talk much.

Second guessing its parentage.

William Faulkner's thoughts on his hometown:

(In reference to Yoknapatawpha County, a fictional stand-in for Oxford in his books.)

"I like to think of the world I created as being a kind of keystone in the universe; that, small as that keystone is, if it were ever taken away the universe itself would collapse."

Oberlin College students are confused about a variety of things, including how to cook General Tso's chicken.

Hold onto your chef's hats, because you're going to be aghast at the culinary travesty going on at Oberlin College in Ohio. At least if you listen to Oberlin College students tell it.

While some college campuses across the country are staging protests over racial inequalities, religious freedoms, and the foundations of free speech--Oberlin students are upset over the food being served at their cafeterias. They claim the vendor in charge of feeding the student body, Bon Appétit Company, and the school itself are serving cuisine that is not only culturally insensitive, but a cultural appropriation.

Why?

According to the school newspaper, The Oberlin Review, and recounted in the New York Times, students find foods offered with an Asian bent offensive. Says the Times:

"The culinary culprits included a soggy, pulled-pork-and-coleslaw sandwich that tried to pass itself off as a traditional Vietnamese banh mi sandwich; a Chinese General Tso's chicken dish made with steamed instead of fried poultry, and some poorly prepared Japanese sushi."

One student, craving some homestyle Vietnamese food, was mortified at what Oberlin thought was a proper banh mi sandwich. "It was ridiculous," he told the Review. "How could they just throw out something completely different and label it as another country’s traditional food?"

That's what tens of millions of Italians have been saying about everything served at Pizza Hut and Domino's, but they're holding strong. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

But being a college student doesn't necessarily negate ignorance. See, General Tso's chicken isn't authentic Chinese food by any definition of what it means to be Chinese. That bastardization of Chinese food you're pounding back on New Year's Eve or after a bad breakup? That was created by Chinese immigrants to cater to Americans' horrible taste in fatty foods. If your General Tso's chicken comes steamed, that's not a cultural appropriation--that's a chef actually hoping not to kill you from a glob of grade-A American saturated fat.

And poorly prepared Japanese sushi? Soggy banh mi? That's just called horrible cooking. It's the societal equivalent of getting Kentucky Fried Chicken in Japan. (Of which there are 1,181 locations in Japan.)(Psst: Has anyone ever seen Colonel Sanders and General Tso in a room at the same time? The militarization of our chicken is happening before our eyes! Conspiracy theory!!)

Oberlin students seem confused by a lot of things, like how school cafeterias are supposed to work. You're supposed to be horrified by what's served to you in college, regardless of what style food it is. That way, when you graduate and can afford good food, you know what to avoid.

And that is where you get your education.

The Nobel committee really is secretive about the dinner menu.

Every year the Nobel Prize Banquet is held in Stockholm, Sweden, where the Swedish monarchy slums it with the plebeian masses while some hardware is handed out to the newest Nobel laureates. (Except the Peace Prize, which is given out in Oslo, Norway. Don't ask. I think we all know Sweden and Norway are just the same place if we're being honest with ourselves.)

As the name implies, it's a banquet, with actual food for 1,300 guests. So what are they serving for this year's gathering to be held this coming Thursday?

If you're wondering, that's their website from today, which refuses to say what they're feeding anyone until the actual banquet starts. They're more secretive than Colonel Sanders and Coca-Cola are with their recipes.

There are no hard and fast rules what must be served, except something should be Scandinavian-inspired. If your taste buds didn't just come to life when you read "Scandinavian-inspired," hold onto your tongue, because this was 2014's menu:


Cream of cauliflower soup, 
mosaic of red king crab, peas and lemon pickled cauliflower florets

Spiced loin of red deer, carrot terrine, salt-baked golden beets, 
smoked pearl onions, potato purée and game jus

Mousse and sorbet of wild dewberries from Gotland,
saffron panna cotta and brown butter sponge cake


They had me at cream of cauliflower soup, but the night was won with mentions of dewberries.

My grandmother used to make pearl onions for meals, and she was no culinary wiz. She also used to make spaghetti with Campbell's tomato soup--a culinary concoction that still haunts my dreams. Maybe she was secretly Swedish?

All I know is some year the Nobel folks really should just serve everyone a KFC bucket of chicken, with a side of lingonberries. Everyone would be happy.

Twenty-one Famous Writers Who Rocked a Mustache

Movember is upon us in a couple of weeks. It's that time of year where for one month random everyday guys try to grow a supple lip caterpillar on par with Tom Selleck, Larry Bird, and Burt Reynolds, all in hopes of raising awareness about men's health.

But why wait a couple more weeks to celebrate the glory of lip lusciousness?

Here are twenty-one famous writers who rocked the facial furniture:

1.) Eugene O'Neill

It was potentially physically impossible for the playwright to smile.

But why smile when you have a lower brow like that?

2.) Rudyard Kipling

Definition of a crumb duster if there ever was one.

3.) H.G. Wells

His eyebrows are almost as big as his 'stache. But the slight smile and soft eyes work in conjunction with his face lace to give a warm appearance.

4.) James Joyce

Carnival barker, circa 1920?

Someone who dated Winona Ryder, circa 1992?

Or just a dirt squirrel aficionado?

5.) Derek Walcott

Most listed here won a Nobel Prize in Literature.

They all have mustaches.

It's a facial fungus conspiracy.

6.) Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Looks like someone thinks they've got the #1 mustache!

7.) Carl Jung

That's not how you wear eyeglasses, Carl.

But that is how you rock a 'stache.

8.) Salman Rushdie

Not sure what's more captivating. The nose neighbor, the parted hair, or the quality turtleneck.

9.) Marcel Proust

Things that make you go "Hmm..."?

Like how did I become so ravishing when I grew my lip lover?

10.) Tennessee Williams

I'd be overly excited, too, if I had an upper lipholstery like that as well...

11.) Thornton Wilder

...and I'd look pretty moody if my lip luggage was only of the carry-on variety.

12.) William Faulkner

At first glance you almost might think it's Colonel Sanders.

Then you realize it's not, and your dreams of some quality, mass-produced fried chicken are dashed.

13.) Robert E. Sherwood

He's Anthony Quinn's doppelganger.

If you don't know who Sherwood or Quinn are, this probably explains your lack of motivation in life.

And that lack of motivation is why you don't grow a little facial fuzz.









14.) Friedrich Nietzsche

Perspectivism?

Oh, no, my friend--everyone agrees that you have quality bristle batons. That much is true.

15.) Kurt Vonnegut

It's difficult to focus on Vonnegut's fanny duster when he has such a head of lettuce coming at us.

It's like he's channeling his inner Mr. Brady from The Brady Bunch.

16.) Wilfred Owen

Being in the military means a trimmed and tight grass grin.

17.) O. Henry

That's the look of a man who knows how to style his handlebars.

When in doubt, go with the wing-dings.

18.) Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

The banker look never goes out of style when you have a tongue toupée this supple.

19.) Mark Twain

One of the premier flavor savers ever.

Let's have a moment of silence and take in its beauty.

20.) Gustave Flaubert

It's a natural reaction to want to throw fish at Flaubert.

But he is NOT a walrus.

21.) Ernest Hemingway

Papa covered the facial fuzz spectrum, from clean shaven to all-encompassing beards, with a little lip foliage in between.

Here we see him showcasing his Mr. Tickler to full charcoal effect.

Famous Writers with Cats: William Butler Yeats

Writers need inspiration somewhere in life, and for many that inspiration comes from their pet cats.

This is a running series where we post pictures of famous writers with their feline companions--the cute, the cuddly, the creepy. And that's just the writers.

Today: William Butler Yeats

That. Cat. Is. Passed. Out. It must have read some of Yeats' work.

You know you have bad heating in your house when you start using the cat as a thigh warmer.

Yeats was usually clean shaven, but the goatee and Colonel Sanders look work on him.

Famous Writer or Indie Band Artist?: Robert Louis Stevenson

This is the beginning of a segment where we look at famous writers and decide whether they missed their calling as the lead singer for an indie band from Austin, TX.

Because a little facial hair, unkempt clothing, and a stern expression goes a long, long way to being a rock star.

Today's budding indie star:  Robert Louis Stevenson

Apparently Colonel Sanders moonlighted as Robert Louis Stevenson in a younger life.

With the assortment of mismatched rings, the disheveled tie, the velvet jacket--and let's not forget the wonderful mustache and soul patch--if Stevenson was alive today, he'd be fronting a band called "The Islanders," sweating heavily on stage of a small club in Brooklyn, singing songs about colonialism and wooden boats.

Really, that jacket though--even Prince would have second thoughts about that jacket.