10 Things Your Commencement Speaker Won't Tell You

Charles Wheelan of the Wall Street Journal wrote 10 Things Your Commencement Speaker Won't Tell You the other day. It's everything you'd expect a gentleman of a higher socio-economic background to tell you, with stellar tidbits like:

"It's all borrowed time. You shouldn't take anything for granted."

HOLD ON! Let me get the steno pad and pencil out. Borrowed time, you say? Don't...take...things...for...granted. Jotting that nugget down. Got it!

But Chuck is just rehashing yesterday's homefries. If you're taking things for granted, odds are you're taking Chuck Wheelan's advice for granted, too, so his article is a little self-defeating, no?

So here's my own 10 Things Your Commencement Speaker Won't Tell You:


1.) Eat more Taco Bell.

Listen, cheap and fatty fast food is probably on the horizon for you at some point or another. You'll either be broke after getting off the gravy train of mommy and daddy that you've ridden in college, or you're going to become one of the tens of millions of Americans who's morbidly obese. There's a 50/50 shot you'll probably die of heart disease at some point eventually, so why spend a lot of money in the process? I'm fairly certain Taco Bell's "beef" is just modified zesty cat food anyway.

Which brings me to...


2.) Eat more cat food.

Just cut out the middle man at this point.


3.) Get a pet.

You shouldn't have a baby before you can handle a pet. Fish don't count either. No one's impressed by your ability to keep a betta fish alive two weeks while vacationing somewhere. You need something capable of dying after a few days of neglect. A cat is good. A dog is better. A dog with failing kidneys and a bad hip is best.

Don't get a snake or a bird. That's for lonely people.


4.) Don't read.

Don't read what you're supposed to at least. Don't read what your old professors like, what Oprah enjoys, or what your best friend swears by. (Just say no to Twilight.)

Professors are biased. Oprah is nuts. And your friend is probably functionally illiterate.


5.) Don't travel to Europe.

Listen, if you're traveling to Europe, odds are you're setting back international relations by a solid fifty years. There's a reason Europeans hate Americans, and a lot of it has to do with your affinity for cheap beer. That might work in a dorm room, but it ain't flying at Westminster Abbey.

Save the European vacations for when you're elderly--when bedtimes are at 7pm and the hardest thing you'll drink is pudding.


6.) Don't eat anything bigger than your head.

That 2lb Fuddruckers cheeseburger? Don't go there.


7.) Be a real person.

It's great that you're highly skilled at brown-nosing. You're really angling for that middle-management position someday that'll make your soul dead and vacant by the time you're 40. Congrats! Having a large supply of Chapstick on hand to kiss butt for the next fifty years of your life is admirable, but it'll lead to a life of misery, monotony, and expensive therapy bills.

In the meantime, do me a favor and be a real person. Be a contrarian. Feel free to go against popular opinion when warranted. Life isn't an Up With People routine, and drum circles won't occur nearly as often as you hope.

Grapes don't just grow on a vine, y'know?


8.) Wear pants.

Odds are you don't have the legs for anything else.


9.) Always keep people hanging.

Which brings us to #10...