Study: Human beings are becoming dumber.

Published in the journal Trends in Genetics (always a hot read with the kids), Stanford University researcher Gerald Crabtree suggests that evolution is making us dumber. Moreover, Crabtree argues we peaked at our intellectual nerdiest right before our hunter-gatherer ancestors strolled out of Africa.

Let me try to bluntly synopsize Crabtree's claim in two paragraphs or less:

Our ancient, ancient, ancient ancestors had it rough living out in the wild. Natural selection picked off our weaker members like the chubby kid gets mowed down in dodgeball during Phys Ed. If you couldn't make a fire or figure out what tool to use to help you survive--well, you didn't survive, and with you went your piss poor genetic makeup.

That is until today, where humanity's ability to create an ease-of-use for nearly everything in our lives--and the protections we input to keep us alive even when we've done something moronic that should have killed us (driving off the highway at 120mph without a seat belt--but, gumdang, those airbags kept you alive despite your idiocy!)--means more and more ::ahem:: stupid genes are surviving and being passed on. You don't need to figure out anything any longer to survive--and when you do something lethally stupid, well, you still remain alive nonetheless. Keep the stupid genes going, and they grow and dominate the longer they have a chance to spread.

/synopsis

As Crabtree notes in The Independent, "I would wager that if an average citizen from Athens of 1000BC were to appear suddenly among us, he or she would be among the brightest and most intellectually alive of our colleagues and companions, with a good memory, a broad range of ideas and a clear-sighted view of important issues." A broad range of ideas on how to enslave people, amright?! Okay, so Crabtree didn't think out that last little tidbit of his comment.

Not everyone appreciates Crabtree's argument. Geneticist Steve Jones of University College London is all very Debbie Downer about this talk. "Never mind the hypothesis, give me the data, and there aren’t any," Jones told The Independent, presumably with a hand on his hip and a eye roll. "I could just as well argue that mutations have reduced our aggression, our depression and our penis length but no journal would publish that. [Ed. Aww, damn. I'd read that.] Why do they publish this?" Jones continued, "I am an advocate of Gradgrind science – facts, facts and more facts; but we need ideas too, and this is an ideas paper although I have no idea how the idea could be tested."

Clearly Mr. Jones never went clubbing with Lindsay Lohan on a Saturday night.

Over 100 years ago, Fitchburg did their best French impersonation and gave into the (spelling) Nazis.

Have you always wanted to diss smaller American cities without the hassle of actually visiting them? Well, there's no better passive-aggressive act than misspelling their name. Now, American cities can be routinely offended by your lackadaisical spelling habits and vitriol from afar.

ePodunk.com has a list of the 15 most misspelled American city names, and Pittsburgh (left) tops the list. Apparently heart disease isn't the only silent killer. Silent letter "h"s can also kill how to spell a city's name.

According to ePodunk, the US Board on Geographic Names once tried to forcibly change Pittsburgh's name. In 1890, they demanded Pittsburgh trim a little weight and lose the "h." Pittsburgh fought back with a 20 year reign of terror (through polite disagreement and letter writing campaigns saying, "Please?"), and the Board of Geographic Names relented to the spelling. This isn't the first time Board of Geographic Names has wielded an iron fist and brutalized language. These are the same grammar and spelling Fascists who wiped the apostrophe clean from American location names over 100 years ago.

The top-15 most misspelled American city names are:

1. Pittsburgh, PA
2. Tuscon, AZ
3. Cincinnati, OH
4. Albuquerque, NM
5. Culpeper, VA
6. Asheville, NC
7. Worcester, MA
8. Manhattan, NYC, NY
9. Phoenix, AZ
10. Niagara Falls, NY
11. Fredericksburg, VA
12. Philadelphia, PA
13. Detroit, MI
14. Chattanooga, TN
15. Gloucester, MA

Calling Culpeper, VA, a "city" is like calling Lindsay Lohan "dignified." It only has 9,700 people living in it, of which 1/2 are shopping at Wal-Mart at any given moment. More people misspell the city than actual live in it. But I don't make these polls. I just mock them.

The real shocker here is how Albuquerque is somehow less misspelled than Pittsburgh.  A little H throws more people off than the jumble of Q's and U's going on inside Albuquerque? How is this possible? The city rhymes with "turkey" yet isn't even remotely spelled like it. If there's anything Hooked on Phonics taught small children it was to sound it out. Sadly, Albuquerque is proof that Hooked on Phonics was built on a web of lies and deceit.

And, yes, Massachusetts can take pride in having two cities appear on the list. This is understandable, since no one outside Massachusetts has spelled the state correctly since the advent of the internet. It's only logical we'd have city names that confuse people as well. Like all unruly children, we get to blame out non-phonetic spelling chaos on our British parents, as nearly every city and town is named after some British locale. Instead of being pronounced "War-chest-errr" we get "Woostah."

But, like all things of British origin--warm beverages, monarchies, and delightful accents that ignore the existence of the letter R--I think that just makes it all the better.

I loved reruns of "Name That Tune" as a kid.

Let's play a little game of "Guess Who?" I'll write down some song lyrics, and you can guess what really horrible song writer wrote them.

The first lyrics are:
If I ever lose her I will go insane.
I go half crazy when she calls my name.
When she says babababababy I-I-I love you
There ain't nothing in the world I wouldn't do.

The same writer wrote this following little ditty:
If not for you
Babe, I couldn't find the door,
Couldn't even see the floor,
I'd be sad and blue
If not for you.

I know what you're thinking. Lindsay Lohan lyrics are as painful to read as they are to listen to. Except these lyrics aren't Lindsay Lohan song lyrics. Or Britney Spears. Or any modern pop singer. Nope.

They're Bob Dylan lyrics.

Maybe the reason Bob Dylan mumbles all the time is so people will always think he's a genius at writing. The mumble method can really be beneficial. Once, when I took a computer class, we were allowed to work in groups for a project. Each student had to fill out an individual worksheet, but you were all allowed to write an identical answer as the rest of your group mates. One kid in my group had chicken scratch for handwriting (the written version of mumbling) and received a 100 for a grade. My handwriting was entirely legible, and I received a 90. We wrote the exact same thing.

This is pretty much how Bob Dylan gets by in life. I don't know a single "expert" in the field of music who doesn't call Dylan a master at writing. Maybe the problem is that these are music experts and not writing experts? Take away the melody, the harmony, the music and he becomes a mumbling man who you'd cross the street to avoid if you saw him walking in Boston. Maybe packaging is all that matters. The scruffy look, the frazzled hair, the sheer inability to smile--it all makes Bob look like some starving artist, so he earns "cred, baby."

In a way, packaging is no different than what the Pussycat Dolls get by on. They can't sing, just like Bobby can't sing. They can't write lyrics, just like Bobby can't write lyrics. They're pre-packaged to make people enjoy them, like a Lean Cuisine frozen dinner. And because people enjoy the packaging of Bob, we're told he's good. (Maybe not quite Lean Cuisine for him. Bob seems more like a Hungry Jack frozen dinner.)

Here's one last gem from Bob:

I don't think I want this anymore
As she drops the ring to the floor.
She says to herself: 'You've left before.'
This time you will stay gone, that's for sure.

Awww, sorry. That's a Pussycat Dolls' lyric. I get them confused a lot with Bob Dylan these days.