Old Navy is confused about grammar, decides apostrophe is overrated.

Old Navy has a licensing agreement with 70 colleges and universities, generally to emblazon the school logo on a paper thin t-shirt that'll last 10 rounds in the wash before it needs to be replaced.

To save time, Old Navy washed out the apostrophe on all their t-shirts. Someone in the t-shirt design department apparently missed class in second grade when we all learned how apostrophes work.

I know, I know. Do I want to be that guy mocking someone for not using an apostrophe correctly?

Yes...yes, I do.

Mmmm, tasty digitized oatmeal...

Oatmeal is good for two things: heart health and website names.

For heart health, I go with old-fashioned oats. (Mmm, thick and hearty fiberous deliciousness!)

For websites, I go to The Oatmeal--a website based on comics. But not just any comics. Comics on Englishy things (among other topics), like 10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling, how to use an apostrophe, how to use a semicolon, and when to use i.e.

In other words, it's like 3rd grade all over again, without the trauma of realizing your fruit roll-up was stolen

What Martha wants, Martha gets.

When I brought up the fact that Birmingham, England, banished apostrophes from their street signs, I forgot to mention one little fact.

America banished them as well.

According to the United States Geological Survey (where the geospatial fun never stops on usgs.gov!), our government banished them long ago. The U.S. Board on Geographic Names wiped the apostrophe clean in 1890. These great scientific minds decided to play fast and loose with grammar back in 1890, BUT said places could keep their possessive "s"--just not the apostrophe showing what that "s" is actually doing there. Yeah. Sure. That makes a ton of sense.

(Little known fun fact: President Benjamin Harrison (huh?) created the U.S. Board on Geographic Names. In a four year term in which Harrison (who's that?) was an complete failure (who's he?), Benjie made sure to bat a thousand and keep up with his futility for the next 109 years.)

In typical American style, we apparently make random exceptions to this apostrophe banishment. There are five places throughout America in which the good ol' boys at the U.S. Board of Geographic Names have decided that English geeks can keep their apostrophes. They are, in order:

1.) Martha's Vineyard (1933): Apparently Buffy and Giles down on the island didn't like how their beloved apostrophe was taken away. After "extensive" local campaigning (a.k.a.: bribe money from one politician to another, who are we kidding?), Martha could lay claim to her Vineyard once again.

2.) Ike's Point (1944): This is down in New Jersey. The ruling in 1944 states that "it would be unrecognizable otherwise." Personally, I don't even recognize it with the apostrophe.

3.) John E's Pond (1963): A pond in Rhode Island, which was granted its apostrophe because otherwise it would be "confused with the nearby John S Pond." All I know if that the locals in little Rhody need to be a little more creative with their pond names.

4.) Carlos Elmer's Joshua View (1995): Located in Arizona, it was allowed its apostrophe because the "Joshua" refers to the Joshua trees that Carlos Elmer was apparently viewing. The Arizona geographic poobahs asked for the apostrophe so people could remember that this Joshua is actually the tree. Ummm...maybe include the actual word "tree" in there, too? That might help. Just a suggestion.

5.) Clark's Mountain (2002): In Oregon, it was granted its apostrophe at the request of the state of Oregon as a visual point for Lewis and Clark during their expedition. As we can see, Lewis totally gets the shaft here. The man can't even get a nearby bush named after him.

According to the U.S. Board of Geographic Names, the whole elimination of apostrophes is because "the need to imply possession or association no longer exists." Riiight. As Barbara Wallraff--a language nerd of the highest order who writes for the Atlantic Monthly--states on her own website, why even have these names to begin with? If the Board says the "possession" isn't important, then tell Martha to take a hike altogether. Just call it a vineyard. Just call Clark's Mountain a mountain. Otherwise, why make weird rules altogether?

In reality, why are scientists dictating English language rules? This is the equivalent of English majors deciding scientific rules don't exist on a whim. You know what, to hell with gravity. I've decided that rule doesn't exist any longer. And the four laws of thermodynamics? Boooring. I'm eliminating that, too. Ohm's Law regarding electrical currents? I'll shine a light on all of us and wipe that law clean from the books, too. And I don't want to hear from scientists that humans can't fly. One word: Superman. Don't even tell me he wasn't human, because he entirely looked it to me. And we all know the eyes don't lie.

Birmingham Citys street signs dont like apostrophes.

England's second largest city has decided to do away with the apostrophe on street signs. To us boring Americans, this means nothing. We're the land of Main Street. ((Yawn.)) But in Birmingham, England, they get sassy with their street names. King's Heath. Wheeler's Lane. King's Norton. Acock's Green. The Brits love themselves the possessive street names.

They just don't love using the possessive apostrophe.

According to Martin Mullaney of the city's transportation scrutiny committee (hooray, bureaucracy!), there's no sense in having the possessive apostrophe in all these street signs because, you know, the king doesn't own that heath any more. He doesn't own that norton either. Pssh, there hasn't been a king in 50 years. And the Acock family long ago sold that green. Wheeler? That lane died when he died. So, by jove, it's time to get the whiteout ready and blot out those apostrophes on those street signs! Screw proper English! They are the English after all. They created the language. What's a few centuries of grammatical rules to stop you?

Martin Mullaney is a true politician though. That means when the masses speak, he's sure not to listen. According to Mullaney, "We are constantly getting residents asking for apostrophes to be put back in and as a council we have to make a decision one way or another."

Now, I'm no genius. Help me out here, Martin. No one is asking you to take out the apostrophe, but--according to you--countless residents are asking you to include it? So...you eliminated it? You must be a real sweetheart, Marty. I bet when you're at a pub the smooth moves just ooze out of you when you see a single lady. You offer to buy her a drink. And when she tells you she'll have a glass of wine, you tell her no, she'll have a glass of water.

Now, Marty isn't entirely stodgy. He has his very own blog here on Blogspot. (Maybe we could become a sister blog? We're English majors...he's English and hates the English language...it can be like the Odd Couple, except for shut-ins.) You can find it...here. It's full of such scintillating topics as "planning applications" and "properties being compulsory purchased." But a little searching reveals Marty has a massive, in-depth blog post (here) about the apostrophe issue, explaining that, by golly, the apostrophe started vanishing with the use of cheap-o cast aluminum signs in 1945! The economy weakened post World War 2. Cheap-o signs were a necessity. Jolly good!

Well, that settles it. Whenever the economy dictates it, we should be able to loosen grammatical rules. The economy stinks now, so let's go all ee cummings with our daily grammar rules. Personally, I've always found the semi-colon to have a bit of an identity crisis. Are you a colon or not? What is it? Let's eliminate it. And the comma? Please, none of us know how to properly use it. While we're at it, literacy is totally overrated. I can just drive around and use shapes and colors to tell me what a street sign means. And if I happen to be color blind, well, cut me some slack. Marty will back me up.