The Mormon Church fires back at LGBQT students at BYU, says being homosexual is still a no-go.

Nine years ago, this blog jokingly started writing about the comically curious, absurdly strict, and just plain odd codes of conduct at various colleges and universities.

The first school chosen to showcase? BYU. From haircuts to clothes to who uses your bathroom, BYU lists a delightful array of absurdity by modern conventions.

Things haven't really changed in the near decade since. That was until a few weeks ago, when the university's Honor Code Office (yes, they have a full office for this stuff) surprisingly deleted a passage in the honor code that banned gays and lesbians from hugging, hand-holding, or sharing a kiss on campus. Students of all sexuality backgrounds were thrilled and excited. It seemed like a new day at BYU!

That lasted about the time of a cup of coffee, if The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints actually allowed adherents to enjoy coffee. (Psst: They don't.)

Church Elder Paul V. Johnson penned a letter rebuking Brigham Young University and its students regarding homosexual behavior.

Today this letter from Elder Paul V. Johnson, Commissioner of the Church Educational System, regarding the updated Honor Code was sent to students and employees at all CES schools. pic.twitter.com/sADljd8lQT

— BYU (@BYU) March 4, 2020

"Lasting joy comes when we live the spirit as well as the letter of God's laws," Johnson states.

This is where the trouble starts. The same passage of the Bible that says a man shall not lay down with another man also notes a cloth should not be made out of two types of thread, or a garden made with different seeds. I don't know about you, but I love me some cotton/poly blends and a good cucumber and tomato salad I grew myself. But I guess I'm packing a suitcase to Satan as I speak.

"Same-sex behavior cannot lead to eternal marriage and is therefore not compatible with the principles included in the Honor Code," Johnson continues.

So, if we're following Johnson's declaration about "the word" of God, then he also REALLY doesn't want you wearing those 98% cotton shorts with 2% spandex that stretches over your love-handles. Sorry, BYU.

Take a left at Ebay, go past the Rachael Ray recipe archive, and it'll be the first English blog on your right.

Last fall I checked in to see what keywords and phrases people used through Google/Blogger to read The Toolbox. What I learned was that Jhumpa Lahiri needs a bodyguard and some pepper spray.

It's been a few months since then. So, what's bringing people to The Toolbox this week?

Some of this week's top Google keywords (misspellings included):

1.) jhumpa lahiri  (shocking!)
2.) craig moreau  (sweeping the nation one sexy eye bat at a time)
3.) vendela vida  (the poor man's Jhumpa Lahiri)
4.) anglo saxon symbols (every day is Christmas here)
5.) byu code of conduct  (remember, kids--no mustaches!)





But weekly keyword totals cover a wide swath of searches. The Toolbox gets a lot of eyeballs. The real quirks show up in the daily keyword totals.

Some of today's more interesting Google keywords (misspellings included):

1.) hamsters and penguins  (Pssh, obviously...)
2.) "craig moreau"  (Quotes guarantee they find only THE Craig Moreau.)
3.) aintiant easter bunny  (Eh? Aintiant? Is that lisp talk for "ancient"?)
4.) amanda hocking spelling  (Is spelling a concern for paranormal romance ebooks?)
5.) justin bieber, liberty university  (The truth comes out about The Biebs.)

BYU Code of Conduct isn't a fan of your manscaping skills.

Brigham Young University has a Code of Conduct--which they call an Honor Code. Most schools have one--except most schools don't ask you to keep the hipster sideburns above your earlobes. BYU? Yeah, they're not a fan of your Neil Diamond look.

BYU is in the news this week because that very same Honor Code laid down the law on a student athlete who was caught sleeping with his girlfriend. Yes, as stunning as that sounds, it appears 20-year old male college athletes are having sex. And sleeping with your long-term girlfriend at BYU means you'll be suspended from playing basketball for them.

As a result of this, BYU's Honor Code--with all its intricacies and quirks--has come under national scrutiny. But forget national scrutiny--what about Toolbox scrutiny? We'll look at various school's codes of conduct on occasion--starting with BYU.

1.) Brigham Young University

Their Dress and Grooming Standards for men states (my thoughts in parentheses):

A clean and well-cared-for appearance should be maintained. (How about wearing SpongeBob pajama pants to class?) Clothing is inappropriate when it is sleeveless, revealing, or form fitting. (So you're saying the SpongeBob pajamas are good?) Shorts must be knee-length or longer. (Short shorts of the 1980s were a very painful fashion trend for BYU.)

Hairstyles should be clean and neat, avoiding extreme styles or colors, and trimmed above the collar, leaving the ear uncovered. (And if you're someone like Prince Charles with protruding ears, you don't even need to worry about this.) Sideburns should not extend below the earlobe or onto the cheek. If worn, moustaches should be neatly trimmed and may not extend beyond or below the corners of the mouth. (Good news, Tom Selleck!)

Men are expected to be clean-shaven; beards are not acceptable. (But you haven't seen how fashionable my neck beard is yet!) Earrings and other body piercing are not acceptable. (So much for those diamond stud earrings that really bring out my eyes.) Shoes should be worn in all public campus areas. (I guess that means four inch stiletto heels are a go then.)

Then there's the whole issue of visiting friends at their dorm. Do you want to drop by and say hello? You might not want to after BYU tells you what's acceptable.

1.) Visiting opposite sex friends is permitted only in lobbies of on-campus residence halls...
2.) ...unless it's during open house hours.
3.) Then you can visit the dorm room...
4.) ...but only if the dorm room door is open.

But wait! It gets better if you live off-campus. According to the Code regarding off-campus housing:

Visitors of the opposite sex are permitted in living rooms and kitchens but not in the bedrooms in off-campus living units. (No word on what to do if you live in a studio apartment.) The use of the bathroom areas by members of the opposite sex is not appropriate (you and your small bladder are just going to have to wait...) unless emergency or civility dictates otherwise (really, I just drank too much Diet Pepsi, I swear...), and then only if the safety, privacy, and sensitivity of other residents are not jeopardized. (Note to self: do not eat the black bean fajita at lunch.)

So, in essence, BYU's Honor Code boils down to this:

If your bladder is weaker than Jay Leno's comedy, and you look like the lovechild of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Bob Vila, then BYU would prefer you attend college elsewhere.

BYU = a sense of humor? (No, really.)

It's always been known that Utah has its fingers on the pulse of comedy. The Osmonds alone have made us laugh against our will for generations.

BYU made some sort of commercial about their library. Yeah, their library--because they're either really bored in Utah or love books a lot more than sane people. It's a sort of/kind of knockoff of all the Old Spice commercials airing lately, except with production values you never expect from a university.

Someone at the FSC Comm Media department needs to get inspired.