It's time for the (semi-, sorta, kinda) annual analysis of the weird, the wonky, and the wacky. From Dean Martin drugging women to Santa's shenanigans with various mothers under the mistletoe, this is a recap of some of the previous songs covered in this space.
Holiday songs are supposed to be cheerful and charming. They can also be beautifully bizarre.
Song #1:
Title: Winter Wonderland
Written by: Felix Bernard and Richard B. Smith
Sung by: Everyone from Bing Crosby to Toby Keith
Nothing is more enjoyable than when someone starts asking questions before I even know them.
"Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?
In the lane snow is glistening."
Cool story, bro. Are we all supposed to stop what we're doing when we hear a sleigh bell? Isn't that how northern Finland gets around--sleighs? How the hell do they operate as a society if they have to stop every five minutes because a sleigh bell has rung?
"Gone away is the bluebird.
Here to stay is a new bird.
He sings a love song as we go along,
Walking in a winter wonderland."
The wannabe Audubon Society gets derailed pretty quickly in these lyrics. They're quick to tell us about the migratory patterns of the bluebird--but damned if they have a clue what this other bird looks like. What's a swallow look like? Maybe it's a chickadee? No rational bird flies north for the winter, whatever it is.
"In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he is Parson Brown."
Ri-i-i-ght. Because whenever I build a snowman I always equate cold, lifeless beings to clergy members.
"He'll say, 'Are you married?' We'll say, 'No, man!
But you can do the job when you're in town.'"
Man, this Defense of Marriage Act crap has even moved into the snowman realm. The minute this snowman comes to life he's peppering questions about your married life. Soon snowmen will be trying to ban gay marriage and limit adoptions to only heterosexual couples.
"Later on we'll conspire as we dream by the fire,
To face unafraid the plans that we made
Walking in a winter wonderland."
Just goes to show you how scary marriage is. You need to dream about being unafraid to face it.
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Song #2:
Title: We Need A Little Christmas
Written by: Jerry Herman
Sung by: Angela Lansbury originally, and later Percy Faith, Johnny Mathis
The holiday season can be very stressful. It can be even more stressful when you're on medication.
"Haul out the holly.
Put out the tree before my spirit falls again."
I'm no doctor, but this sounds like manic depression. Super-amped highs followed by pronounced lows. What other symptoms can we decipher?
"Fill up the stocking,
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now."
Deck the halls--again? You mean you already did it and you're going to start from scratch? Let's tack a little obsessive-compulsive disorder onto this diagnosis.
"For I've grown a little leaner,
Grown a little colder,
Grown a little sadder,
Grown a little older."
Uh-oh, it appears we're coming off another high, folks. They've stopped eating and they're growing sadder. On top of that, they're growing colder, too. They've got hypothermic shock or a rare blood disease. Sounds like a visit to the emergency room is on tap for Christmas Eve.
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Song #3:
Title: Run, Rudolph, Run
Written by: Johnny Marks and Marvin Brodie
Sung by: Chuck Berry, then covered by anyone looking to sound "rocking" with their Christmas songs.
Rudolph is always being asked to do more than his fair share, and here it's no different.
"Out of all the reindeer, you know you're the mastermind.
Run, run, Rudolph, Randalph ain't too far behind."
I don't know who this Randalph character is, but he can't be pleasant if Rudolph needs a heads-up by Chuck Berry to watch out.
"Run, run, Rudolph, Santa's got to make it to town,
Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down."
What we learn from this is that Santa is a deadbeat who is perpetually late for everything if it weren't for Rudolph. But the real question here is why isn't Santa taking Santa Claus Lane to get where he needs to go? Is there traffic on it? Is the freeway quicker? But what about tolls? Does Santa have an EasyPass for those?
"Said Santa to a boy child, "What have you been longing for?"
'All I want for Christmas is a rock and roll electric guitar.'
And then away went Rudolph whizzing like a shooting star."
Possibly the only reference to "whizzing" in a Christmas song. But what's of note here is that Santa apparently doesn't bring the toys with him on his sleigh. Instead, he operates like a layaway at Kmart, with Rudolph fetching the merchandise.
"Said Santa to a girl child, "What would please you most to get?"
'A little baby doll that can cry, sleep, drink, and wet.'
And then away went Rudolph whizzing like a Saber jet."
Why, who wouldn't want to spend 24/7 with a doll that is crying and urinating on itself? Put me down for two of those. It's like having a real baby, without the potential of social services getting involved once you inevitably get bored from the whole experience.
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Song #4:
Title: It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
Written by: Meredith Willson
Sung by: Perry Como, Bing Crosby, Johnny Mathis
Modern songs are so politically correct. Thankfully, Perry Como comes through with this gem. If there's anything that's been missing in Christmas songs, it's references to handguns. Amiright?
"A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots
Is the wish of Barney and Ben"
I like how Barney and Ben don't mess around with their wish list. Toys? Bo-o-o-oring. They don't want some pistol that's just for show. They want the real deal. Stealing lunch money will be so much easier this way.
Ahh, they grow up so young.
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Song #5:
Title: Do They Know It's Christmas?
Written by: Bob Geldof and Midge Ure
Sung by: Endless British and Irish musicians and singers, with Bono being the highlight and Phil Collins rocking the drums.
Ahh, nothing like singing about famine to make you feel guilty for the fourth slice of pumpkin pie on Christmas night. Here, Band Aid tries to raise awareness about famine in Africa and does a bang-up job about it.
This song's lyrics are fantastic for the clinically depressing angle we all hope to see in a Christmas song.
"There's a world outside your window.
And it's a world of dread and fear."
Well, that's a tender image to paint. The agoraphobics listening to this must appreciate that little nugget.
"Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears.
And the Christmas bells that ring there
Are the clanging chimes of doom."
Quite possibly the only reference to "doom" in a Christmas song. It sounds like a post-apocalyptic society is ready to bust out of this song. Any minute now, Mad Max is going to show up and steal my gasoline, and then we're all going to burn some books and roast chestnuts by the fire.
Then Bono jumps in with the best line of all:
"Well, tonight thank God it's them instead of you."
That's right. Let's throw a little xenophobia into our Christmas song. Those starving Africans this song was supposed to raise money for? Screw 'em! Thank God they're the ones starving and not us!
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Song #6:
Title: Merry Christmas Darling
Written by: Frank Pooler
Sung by: The Carpenters
Karen Carpenter wants something, but not--you know--that something. She's hinting, though--at something.
"The logs on the fire
fill me with desire."
Give me a second. She's alluding to something. Just give me a second to figure it out.
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Song #7:
Title: Bedtime for Toys
Written by: Orlando Murden and Ron Miller
Sung by: Stevie Wonder
Are you a child hoping for Santa to come visit on Christmas Eve? Well, too bad. Because Stevie is giving you a heads-up that there's a 50/50 shot Santa will blow you off. Stevie is just giving it to you straight.
(speaking mid-song):
"Ya know, every Christmas Santa Claus goes all over the world with his reindeer, sled, and a big bag of toys, and he'll come to your house this year, too.
But sometimes, just sometimes, he doesn't have enough time to see every little boy and girl because the world is so big.
So maybe we should sing a song for all the children that Santa didn't visit."
Screw the whimsical side of Christmas. I like Stevie's straight-forward approach here. Buck up, kid! You were on the Santa's nice list, but sometimes life's unfair! This sense of youthful misery will evolve into schadenfreude by the time you're thirty.
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Song #8:
Title: The Christmas Shoes
Written by: Leonard Ahlstrom and Eddie Carswell
Sung by: NewSong
The gift that keeps on giving: "The Christmas Shoes."
We've got a kid, maybe 10-years old if we're lucky, shopping by himself on Christmas Eve. According to the lyrics:
"Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously,
Pacing 'round like little boys do,
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.
His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe,
And when it came his time to pay,
I couldn't believe what I heard him say."
"I need a bath"?
"I smell better than I look"?
"Listen, don't call Social Services until you hear me out"?
Regardless, it sounds like even Pigpen from the Peanuts gang needs to buy gifts. Charlie Brown is a deadbeat friend.
A few questions immediately come to mind: Where is this kid's dad? The boy is out shopping by himself on Christmas Eve (what a procrastinator!)--Mama is laid up sick, we get that--but Daddy is apparently at a liquor store or a bar throwing a few back, since he's nowhere to be seen.
"Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time.
You see, she's been sick for quite a while,
And I know these shoes would make her smile.
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight."
If you ask me, nothing says "practical Christmas gift" for those dying quite like fashionable footwear. But where does Jesus get off requiring people to have stylish footwear as a requirement to swing into heaven? Last time I checked, Jesus hiked through the hillsides of the Middle East wearing sandals. And we're not even talking Birkenstocks. We're talking Wal-Mart-esque variety sandals.
Not only that, but Jesus apparently needs Mama to look smoking hot upon arrival. I didn't know heaven was like a Miami or Vegas night club. St. Peter must be a bouncer. Jesus is turning out to be the George Clooney of spiritual deities. Who knew??
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Song #9:
Title: Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney
Written by: William D. Hardy and Billy Moore Jr.
Sung by: Ella Fitzgerald
Ella Fitzgerald enjoys a good metaphor.
Did you know this song was banned from radio airplay for decades by Ella herself because she felt horribly about the metaphorical imagery? True story. What's so bad about it? Let's see...
"Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney...
There he was in the middle of the chimney,
Roly-poly, fat and round,
There he was in the middle of the chimney,
Not quite up, and not quite down."
Yeeeaah, I'm just going to let you figure this out on your own. I don't think you need me to hold your hand on this one.
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Song #9:
Title: I Saw Three Ships
Written by: Unknown, but first published by William B. Sandys
Sung by: Nat King Cole, Sting, The Boston Pops, Sufjan Stevens, and countless others.
You think the holiday season is busy for you? Imagine if you're in the shipping business like this song tells us about.
"I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas day, on Christmas day."
Import/export businesses never take a vacation day, even on Christmas day. This must be what it's like to work for UPS.
"And what was in those ships all three
On Christmas day, on Christmas day?
And what was in those ships all three
On Christmas day in the morning?"
Sounds to me like we've got an illicit smuggling operation on our hands. Is this song taking place off the coast of Miami? Are the three ships high-powered speed boats, being driven by men with smoldering good looks, sunglasses, and lots of gold chains around their necks? Is Don Johnson in hot pursuit?
"The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas day, on Christmas day.
The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas day in the morning."
So I guess Mary and Jesus are dock workers now. No word on where Joseph is during all this. If it follows the plot to On The Waterfront, he's taking bribes from union officials in a seedy underground diner somewhere.
"O, they sailed into Bethlehem
On Christmas day, on Christmas day.
O, they sailed into Bethlehem
On Christmas day in the morning."
This is a startling revelation on a wide array of levels, the least of which is that Bethlehem is a landlocked city 20 miles away from the nearest body of water.
Sounds like a hallucination then. LSD is a hell of a drug, folks.
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Song #10:
Title: The Little Drummer Boy
Written by: Katherine Davis, Harry Simeone, Henry Onorati (original)
Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes (new, additional raps)
Sung by: Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes
"The Little Drummer Boy" trips the light fantastic on its own merit. A wandering hobo child shows up, uninvited, to play the drums around a newborn baby that should be sleeping? Sure. Sounds like a good game plan, kid.
But where you see a quaint story of a homeless musical child channeling his inner Keith Moon, Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes see things getting sexy up in that stable.
We know the original lyrics. So let's dive into Bieber's additional rap, in all its Auto-Tune glory:
[Bieber]
"Rum pa pa pum, rum pa pum pum pum pum.
Yeah I'm on the drum, yeah I'm on the snare drum.
Yeah I'm on the beat cause the beat goes dumb.
And I only spit heat cause I'm playin' for the Son.
Playin' for the King, playin for the Title,
I'm surprised you didn't hear this in the Bible.
I'm so tight, I might go psycho.
Christmas time, so here's a recital.
I'm so bad like Michael, I know I'm still young but I go I go.
Stupid stupid love like Cupid,
I'm the drummer boy so do it, do it."
Bieber's right. How could we NOT hear this in the Bible? Maybe he's referring to the Whore of Babylon or the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Both are very similar to his music.
This verse is also the first known reference to anyone being 'psycho' in a Christmas song. Imagine all the tender-hearted images of a knife-wielding murderer in Alfred Hitchcock's film, but with more holly and mistletoe.
[Busta:]
"Lemme get straight to it. Yo.
At the table with the family, havin' dinner,
Blackberry on our hip and then it gave a little flicker.
Then I took a look to see before it activates the ringer;
Came to realize my homie Bieber hit me on the Twitter.
Then I hit him back despite I had some food up on my finger,
Sippin' eggnog with a little sprinkle of vanilla,
Even though it's kinda cold, pullin' out a chinchilla,
Bieber hit me back and said, "Let's make it hot up in the winter."
I said, "Cool." Ya know Imma deliver;
Let's collaborate and make the holiday a little bigger.
Before we work I gotta get this off,
See the other family members and drop gifts off.
Then I'm headed to the studio cause ain't nothing stopping how
You know we bout to turn it up and really get it poppin' now.
People everywhere and all our Twitter followers,
'Merry Christmas, Kwanza, Happy Hanukkah!'"
Couple of things here:
a.) Twitter gets two shoutouts?
b.) Poor Busta. He uses a Blackberry.
c.) I don't think vanilla is a sprinkable product usually.
d.) It's best we stop pretending this is about "The Little Drummer Boy" anymore.
e.) Busta would rather be in the studio than with his family on Christmas. Frowny face.
Back to Bieber on the mic:
"If you wanna give, it's the time of year.
JB on the beat, yeah yeah, I'm on the snare.
It's crazy how some people say, say they don't care,
When there's people on the street with no food; it's not fair.
It's about time for you to act merrily;
It's about time for you to give to charity.
Rarely do people even wanna help at all,
'Cause they warm by the fire, getting toys and their dolls.
Not thinking there's a family out hungry and cold,
Wishin' wishin' that they had somebody they could hold.
So I think some of you need to act bold;
Give a can to a drive, let's change the globe."
You heard it here first from Justin Bieber: A can of peas to your local food pantry will change the world.
It's cute coming from a guy with a long list of $100,000 automobiles in his garage. I bet he uses that chromed-out Fisker-Karma to drive canned veggies to the homeless shelter! Greatest Canadian ever?? Greatest Canadian ever!
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Song #11:
Title: Christmas Tree
Written by: Lady Gaga, Rob Fusari, and Space Cowboy
Sung by: Lady Gaga
Christmas Tree by Lady Gaga is exactly like Luciano Pavarotti belting out O Tannenbaum, except picture Pavarotti gyrating half-naked in a meat suit and suggesting you want to get sexy with him and his angel.
To the lyrics:
"The only place you'll wanna be
Is underneath my Christmas tree.
The only place you'll wanna be
Is underneath my Christmas tree."
Because I'm like the family house cat? Mr. Whiskers is a menace under the tree. Don't let his purring deter you--Mr. Whiskers is a nuisance.
"Light me up, put me on top,
Let's fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la.
Light me up, put me on top,
Let's fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la."
Put her on top of the tree. The tree. Get your mind out of the gutter!
"Ho-ho-ho, under the mistletoe,
Yes, everybody knows
We will take off our clothes.
Yes, if you want us to we will."
She's nothing if not accommodating. It is the season of giving after all--so if you feel like gettin' nekkid, Lady Gaga will oblige.
And it's okay to have your mind in the gutter now. I take back what I said.
"You oh, oh, a Christmas,
My Christmas tree's delicious,
Oh, oh, a Christmas,
My Christmas tree's delicious."
Uhhhh.
Your mouth is going to get pretty full of sap if you do that.
"Here, here, here, the best time of the year,
Take off my stockings we're
Out spreading Christmas cheer.
Yes, if you want us to we will."
Admittedly, stockings can chafe. But just a heads-up: Rashes from spreading cheer might require antibiotics.
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Song #12:
Title: Back Door Santa
Written by: Clarence Carter and Marcus Daniel
Sung by: Clarence Carter
If you're a sweet, wide-eyed innocent type, pretend that the title alone just suggests Santa uses back doors instead of chimneys.
The rest of you--yeah. This is about booty action.
"They call me Back Door Santa
I make my runs about the break of day.
They call me Back Door Santa
I make my runs about the break of day.
I make all the little girls happy
While the boys are out to play."
So Santa is sick of working the third shift--you can't blame him. Working nights isn't for everyone, you know? And so what if he hates little boys? I was once a little boy, too. Little boys are punks.
"I ain't like the old Saint Nick,
He don't come but once a year.
I ain't like the old Saint Nick,
He don't come but once a year.
I come runnin' with my presents
Every time you call me dear."
So Clarence is just a very giving man all year round. He comes often, and with presents! That present might be a positive pregnancy test or herpes, but, hey, beggars can't be choosers with gifts.
"I keep some change in my pocket in case the children are home.
I give 'em a few pennies so that we can be alone.
I leave the back door open so if anybody smells a mouse
And wouldn't old Santa be in trouble if there ain't no chimney in the house?"
This went from zero-to-creepy in about three seconds flat. It's not often you get a Christmas song about soccer mom booty call action--but now add in hush money for the soccer mom's kids who were watching Sesame Street before this song started.
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Song #13:
Title: The Christmas Song
Written by: Mel Tormé and Bob Wells
Sung by: Nat King Cole. Don't listen to cover versions. That's sacrilege.
So who's wished a Merry Christmas, according to Nat King Cole?
"And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas to you."
Did you hear that, newborns? Did you hear that, grandmas ninety-three and older? To hell with you both.
I, for one, love our elderly and newborns.
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Song #14:
Title: Christmas Is A-Comin'
Written by: A nursery rhyme adopted as a Christmas carol.
Sung by: Bing Crosby, then other fringe musical acts.
I've always said that Christmas songs need more allusions to homeless begging. Finally, Bing Crosby came through with my request.
"When I'm feeling blue, when I'm feeling low,
I start to think about the happiest man I know.
Now he doesn't mind the snow, he doesn't mind the rain,
But all December you will hear him at your window pane."
Oh, lord, call the cops! The homeless man is clawing at the window again!
"Christmas is a coming, and the egg is in the nog.
Pleased to give a friendly man a friendly little dog.
If you haven't got a friendly dog, a friendly cat'll do,
If you haven't got a friendly cat may God bless you!
God bless you, gentlemen, God bless you!
If you haven't got a friendly cat may God bless you!"
Is this the kind of gift friendly people get? Do we dish out pets indiscriminately? How do we make the leap in logic to hand over Mr. Whiskers? And since when did Mr. Whiskers become a secondary citizen to a dog? It sounds like the cat is a lovely parting gift for the losers on Wheel of Fortune.
"Christmas is a coming, the lights are on the tree.
How about a turkey leg for dear old me?
If you haven't got a turkey leg, a turkey wing will do.
If you haven't got a turkey wing may God bless you!"
Thanks for reminding me that I'm so poor I can't afford a turkey wing. I want to be reminded of my poverty at the holidays. Thanks for that. Really.
"Christmas is a coming, the cider's in the keg.
If I had a mug of cider I wouldn't have to beg.
If you haven't got a mug of cider, half a mug will do.
If you haven't got half a mug, may God bless you!"
Now you're guilt-tripping me, Bing. "I wouldn't have to beg if I had a mug of cider!" Yeah, well I wouldn't have hunger pains if I had a turkey wing, so we're all losers here.
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Song #14:
Title: Baby, It's Cold Outside
Written by: Frank Loesser
Sung by: Dean Martin...and any musical act looking for a cheap way to make a buck.
Nothing warms the heart quite like listening to a budding sexual assault. Now, I don't mean to claim Dean Martin is a budding predator, but the lyrics make it sound like he's two minutes away from having a police sting bust through the front door.
"The neighbors might think (baby, it's bad out there)
Say what's in this drink? (no cabs to be had out there
What's in this drink? Sounds to me like rohypnol, lady. Roofies! Get out while you can! Deano isn't going to take no for an answer. Get an Uber or Lyft, stat.
"I ought to say, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer?)
At least I'm gonna say that I tried (what's the sense in hurtin' my pride?)
I really can't stay (oh baby don't hold out)
But baby, it's cold outside."
The only thing more frigid than the weather is this woman to Deano, and rightfully so. Dean Martin should be the focus of a Dateline NBC predator sting.
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Song: #15:
Title: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Written by: Tommie Connor
Sung by: The Jackson Five, Perry Como, the flavor of the week on the radio.
Sure, you say it's a case of mistaken identity. Santa Claus is just daddy, right? Well, where's your evidence??
Our only evidence is the eyewitness testimony of the singer of the song. His lyrics seem pretty concrete to me. He wakes up on Christmas Eve. He stumbles downstairs to see what's going on. Next thing you know, he catches an eyeful of Mommy and Santa getting frisky under the mistletoe. The little boy even sings:
"She didn't hear me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek."
Clearly Mommy is swooning under the allure of Santa Claus that she doesn't even hear her son eyeballing the action.
No one comes out of this song looking like a choir boy. We've got infidelity in the form of Santa Claus, who's stepping out on Mrs. Claus while he whisks himself around the world. He's like the Tiger Woods of the holidays. Then we've got this here Mommy, who clearly is cheating on Daddy while Daddy is probably fast asleep upstairs.
In the Jackson Five version of the song, the little boy claims he's "going to tell my dad." Clearly, this is a child of high moral standing. If you ask me, you don't snitch on Santa Claus if he's bringing you free toys, kid.
"Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white.
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night."
Oh, yeah, what a knee-slapper of a laugh. Dad catches mom doing a little slap-and-tickle with the fat man delivering gifts. Endless chuckles to be had once fisticuffs break out!
This is the best Christmas ever!!
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Song #16:
Title: Bring a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella
Written by: Uncertain, but most likely Marc-Antoine Charpentier
Sung by: Anyone looking to dive deeper into a holiday music catalog.
Originally written a couple hundred years ago, the lyrics are regularly modified today to a degree--a verse kept here, a verse deleted there--but it always starts with a mob mentality.
"Bring a torch, Jeanette, Isabella!
Bring a torch, to the stable run!"
Because if there's one place where you want open flames, it's around a newborn resting in a bed of straw.
"Christ is born. Tell the folk of the village.
Jesus is born and Mary is calling."
Wait, so if the village knows this is Jesus--THE Jesus--you know, the whole son of God Jesus thing--then why the cold shoulder? No one in town has a spare room? A fold-out couch? They can't bump some straggler from the local inn? Since when did the Bethlehem Inn become more stringent on room reservations than a Ramada?
"Who is that, knocking on the door?
Who is it, knocking like that?
Open up, we've arranged on a platter
Lovely cakes that we have brought here.
Knock! Knock! Knock! Open the door for us!"
This is the pushiest condo board ever. It's late at night, we've got young girls brandishing lit torches and adults hammering on the door FBI-style to share some Little Debbie snacks. I wouldn't answer the door either.
"It is wrong when the child is sleeping,
It is wrong to talk so loud.
Silence, now as you gather around,
Lest your noise should waken Jesus."
The catchiest Christmas jingles are always those admonishing people. Maybe if folks stopped banging on the door we wouldn't worry about needing our indoor voices.
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Song #17:
Title: Up on The House Top
Written by: Benjamin Hanby
Sung by: Gene Autry
How generous is Santa this year? Let's see.
"First comes the stocking of little Nell.
Oh, dear Santa, fill it well.
Give her a dolly that laughs and cries,
One that will open and shut her eyes."
Creepy-eyed dolls with bipolar issues--sounds delightful.
What else you got, Santa?
"Next comes the stocking of little Will.
Oh, just see what a glorious fill.
Here is a hammer and lots of tacks,
Also a ball, and a whip that cracks."
Whip-wielding small children! Now the holidays have gotten interesting. You always want to start them young with weaponry, too, so they can build up their wrist strength. How do you think Santa keeps the elves in line? Exactly. Cracking backs.
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Song #18:
Title: Pretty Paper
Written by: Willie Nelson
Sung by: Roy Orbison, and later Willie Nelson
If there's anything a Christmas song needs more of, it's descriptions of destitute people being shunned.
"Crowded streets, busy feet hustle by him.
Downtown shoppers, Christmas is nigh.
There he sits all alone on the sidewalk
Hoping that you won't pass him by."
What's the matter--a detailed analysis of homeless people in a soup kitchen just didn't feel right?
"Should you stop? Better not, much too busy.
You're in a hurry, my how time does fly.
In the distance the ringing of laughter,
And in the midst of the laughter he cries."
There we go--outright sobbing. A miserable, weeping, possibly homeless man being ignored by a mass of humanity that's too busy flaunting their money in front of him. Poverty and depression: the true meaning of Christmas.
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Song #19:
Title: Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
Written by: John Denver
Sung by: John Denver, later Alan Jackson
You read that title right, and this isn't even a Christmas novelty song. John Denver sees Roy Orbison's weeping homeless man, and raises the stakes by bringing us alcoholic daddies and crying mommas.
"Please, Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas.
I don't want to see my Momma cry.
Please, Daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas.
I don't want to see my Momma cry."
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times--nothing's worse around the holidays than an eggnog hog.
"Just last year when I was only seven,
Now I'm almost eight, as you can see,
You came home a quarter past eleven
And fell down underneath our Christmas tree."
The greatest gift of all is that Daddy made it home at all! He could have nursed the bender off in an alley or behind the wheel of his pickup, but he staggered home like a good drunken dad. That's quality parenting right there.
"Momma smiled and looked outside the window.
She told me, 'Son, you better go upstairs.'
Then you laughed and hollered, 'Merry Christmas!'
I turned around and saw my Momma's tears."
Well, drunken Daddy is at least festive. He could have hollered a whole list of inappropriate things, hurled insults, berated the wife and kid--but he kept it classy. Those might be tears of joy from Momma for all we know.
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Song #20:
Title: River
Written by: Joni Mitchell
Sung by: Joni Mitchell
Joni Mitchell is just a speedball of lyrical depression by default, so she's right in her wheelhouse here.
"I wish I had a river so long,
I would teach my feet to fly.
I wish I had a river I could skate away on.
I made my baby cry."
There's more crying in holiday songs than a Jodi Picoult book, but it pretty much reached its depressed zenith in the decade between 1963-73. For Joni Mitchell though, this is known as Tuesday.
"He tried hard to help me.
You know, he put me at ease.
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees."
Hey now, this just took a turn to sexy town. This isn't quite the same way Santa imagines children being naughty.
"I'm so hard to handle.
I'm selfish and I'm sad.
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had."
Somewhere in here the lyrics just veered head-long into a Sylvia Plath poem.
And nothing channels the meaning of the holiday season like Sylvia Plath in a depression funk.
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So what do we take away from all of this?
That nothing really tells the magic of the holiday season quite like homelessness, sex, alcohol, and a healthy bipolar disorder.
Oh, and that Busta Rhymes uses a Blackberry.
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