Banned Books Week: Someone needs to check into The Very Hungry Caterpillar and his subliminal messages.

It's Banned Books Week. The "week" suggests books aren't worth a whole month of attention. Which is saying something, because September is (really) among other things:

National Chicken Month
National Piano Month
Hug a Texas Chef Month
Mom & Apple Pie Month
National Biscuit Month
National Cholesterol Awareness Month (here's a tip: lay off the biscuits)

National Bourbon Heritage Month
National Honey Month
National Rice Month
National Potato Month
National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month (here's a tip: check your cholesterol, too)
National Mushroom Month
National Sewing Month
National Courtesy Month

Apparently September doesn't have the courtesy to offer Banned Books Week a whole month to itself though, which really throws into question how much awareness courtesy deserves at this point.

But what about banned books? You know, those books that are soiling our children's minds that we must protect them from? That's where the Huffington Post comes in with their 11 Most Surprising Banned Books. (Why 11? I don't know. But are you suggesting we ban them from doing more than 10?? Hmm?)

Some of the highlights from the Huffington Post:

1.) The Dictionary:

That's right--Webster has been trying to indoctrinate your child into a world of sexual lust. According to Huffington, the book was banned in January 2010 from a California elementary school because it included a definition of oral sex that "wasn't age appropriate," according to one official.

But if a child can't learn sex ed from a dictionary, where can he turn to? A thesaurus? An Encyclopedia Britannica? Grandma's stash of AARP Magazines?

3.) Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig:

The Illinois Police Association and eleven states tried to ban this children's book about talking animals because police are portrayed as pigs. Thank God cops are finally cracking down on the real criminals in our society--talking animals. I've always said that Wilbur the pig had the air of a criminal mastermind--Charlotte's death is on his hooves--so thankfully the police are finally catching onto this.

According to the product description on Amazon.com:

Imagine all the happiness and wealth you could achieve if you found a magic pebble that granted your every wish! Sylvester Duncan, an unassuming donkey who collects pebbles "of unusual shape and color," experiences just such a lucky find. But before he can make all his wishes come true, the young donkey unexpectedly encounters a mean-looking lion. Startled, Sylvester wishes he were a rock, but in mineral form he can no longer hold the pebble, and thus cannot wish himself back to his equine trappings. His parents, thinking he has disappeared, are at first frantic, then miserable, and then plunge into donkey ennui. Meanwhile, Sylvester is gravely depressed, but tries to get used to being a rock.

Did they just use "donkey ennui" in a sentence? The important news here is in the reviews by Amazon customers. Someone named Constance gives it a two star review, saying, "Donkeys with depression...is not my cup of tea."

Damn right. I couldn't get through an episode of Winnie the Pooh on the Disney Channel as a child without needing all sharp objects and shoelaces taken away from me. Will someone please just give Eeyore a pep talk?!

5.) Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? by Bill Martin Jr. and Eric Carle:

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times--when are we going to finally wake up to the dangers of brown bears with fantastic eyesight?

According to Huffington, the book was banned in 2010 by the Texas Board of Education (those classy rapscallions!) because the author of the book shared a name with an obscure Marxist theorist, and no one checked to see if they were the same guy.

Indeed. We can never doubt the authenticity of someone's identity just because they share a similar name. To me, that means you're as good as guilty. Why, look at my name--Patrick. Am I saying I'm pretty much the same virtuous human being as St. Patrick? Well, there's a 50/50 shot the Texas Board of Education will say so, and who am I to disagree? I am pretty saintly after all.

On the other hand...

Lake Superior State University (Fitchburg State College's doppelganger of upper Michigan!) apparently released a list of words and phrases they are banning from use. This is the bizarro world version of the New Oxford American Dictionary folks mentioned below. In essence, Lake State bans the words about a year after the Oxford folks create them. Such is the yin/yang of life.

Sometimes they don't even wait a year. Among the words Lake State banned is "unfriend," which is Oxford Dictionary's 2009 word of the year. (Can't we all just get along? No one wants to see geek violence break out.)

Among the other words and phrases banned: 

Tweets
Teachable moment
Stimulus
Czar
Chillaxin
Shovel-ready
App
Sexting
In these economic times...
Toxic assets
Too big to fail
Bromance
Obama-(as a prefix)

Then there are the comments left by random people (mainly from the Midwest) about why these words should be banned. This includes a person named Chris Jensen, from Fond du Lac, WI, who has this to say about why "chillaxin'" should be banned:

A made-up word used by annoying Gen-Yers.

Damn right, Chris. How else do you think I ended up running FSC's blog? It took years of chillaxin' as an annoying Gen-Yer to get where I am.

The strange thing about Lake Superior State University creating this list is the matter of their English Department being--how shall we say this?--tiny. They don't even have a sole English Department. They group it with Communications. Total, they have seven professors. Seven! FSC practically has seven secretaries for their English department. (Actually, 21 full-time professors, as well as 16 adjunct English faculty, bringing the grand total to 37. Those college math classes are paying off, see?) Lake State has to be given credit for their chutzpah. Seven total English professors, and they've been banning words and phrases for over 30 years. By this degree of equality, FSC's English Department should feel free to ban not only words, but books, authors, and dozens of forms of literary theory.

One thing Lake State does have over FSC is burning snowmen. That's right. They build a snowman, pad him with paper, and light him up like a Guy Fawkes-wannabe.

Uhhh, yeaaah. Nothing is so tender quite like seeing smiling, harmless, inanimate objects lit ablaze while people hoot. Pyromania is exciting!

Banning words and burning effigies of Frosty the Snowman--the excitement never ends at Lake State!

Worrrrrd.

The New Oxford American Dictionary came out with their "Word of the Year" for 2009. The word:

unfriend: verb -- To remove someone as a 'friend' on a social networking site, such as Facebook.

Seems acceptable, albeit it a few years late. There are two things you need to know about the Oxford folks when it comes to these words:

1.) These are words that are generally made up.

2.) Odds are you've never heard of most of them.

Now, "Word of the Year" would sound like something that must be hugely popular--a word that is in the hearts and minds of everyone. It should be so timeless that we all remember the word of the year from last year. Of course, you remember the 2008 word was--uhh--give me a second to find it--it's got to be around here somewhere--ahh, something called a "hypermiling."

I thought it referred to speed walkers. You know, those people who are horrifically bony, who wear the super short-shorts made popular in the 1980s by Larry Bird's pasty gams, who flail their elbows as if they're at a Wal-Mart door-buster sale the day after Thanksgiving? Those people.

Except "hypermiling" doesn't refer to them. No. It's a verb that means to try and extend the miles-per-gallon abilities of your car. Well, that's not nearly as interesting as speed walkers. That's a letdown.

Apparently there are runner-ups ("runners-up"? Which is it?) for the 2009 Word of the Year.

From the Technology word category, some runner(s)-ups are:

1.) hashtag: formerly known as a pound sign (#), now re-christened because of Twitter. (So, in essence, it's a pound sign after a facelift and a name change. Kind of like Prince.)

2.) intexticated: being distracted while driving because of texting or talking while on a cellphone. (I can honestly say I've never heard of this word before. I'm as cutting edge as a spoon it seems.)

3.) sexting: sending sexually explicit texts via cellphone. (My personal favorite. As a word that is.)

From the Economic word category, some runner(s)-ups are:

1.) freemium: a business model in which basic services are offered for free, while trying to lure customers to purchase premium add-ons. (If you haven't picked up on it yet, what we have going on here are new words created by blending two other words. You, too, can be a word genius and create your own word using this methodology. Someone rich but acts poor? They're "roor." Maybe?)

2.) funemployed: taking advantage of ones newly unemployed status to have fun and pursue similar activities. (Really? Really now?? "Funemployed"? It must be the crowd I hang out with. We're economic misfits with empty bank accounts. The only unemployed fun we'd have would be to see who could stave off hypothermia the longest once the heat was shut off.)

From the Politics and Current Affairs word category, some runner(s)-ups are:

1.) birthers: conspiracy theorists who challenge Barack Obama's place of birth. (I prefer to call all conspiracy theorists of any stripe "moonbats.")

2.) choice mom: a person who chooses to be a single mom. (This reminds me too much of being at the deli and looking for choice cuts of meat. Just saying.)

3.) teabagger: a person who opposes Barack Obama's tax policies, ie: Boston Tea Party. (Uh-huh. Ri-i-i-ight.)

From the Environment word category, some runner(s)-ups are:

1.) green state: a state with strict environmental regulations. (As opposed to Vermont, which simply has the market cornered on Green Mountains.)

2.) ecotown: a town run and built on eco-friendly policies. ("Won't you take me to....Ecotown! Won't you take me to...ECOTOWN!!")

Novelty word runner(s)-ups:

1.) deleb: a dead celebrity. (What if their career is the only thing dead? Like John Travolta's?)

2.) tramp stamp: a tattoo on the lower back. (Clearly, those New Oxford folks have their fingers on the pulse of 1995.)

These words mean nothing. We'll forget 90% of them by next week. In reality, we should be picking words from the 1970s or '80's that have stood the test of time. So, maybe a 30 year buffer from when a word first appeared. The Word of the Year from 1980 would be selected in 2010, for example. Using that, might I suggest "Funkytown"? The word came out--and the song was released--in 1980.

Funkytown? I think we all can agree go to...funkytown.