Kobe Bryant retires with a poem, enjoys stealing socks.

Thumbs-up if you love socks!

As a Celtics fan, I remember when Larry Bird retired, announcing it with a series of obscure haikus that combined the allure of caterpillar mustaches and 1980s short-shorts.

And Bill Russell! That scamp! When he called it a career he sent out a press release in iambic pentameter, full of floral imagery.

Which brings us to the Los Angeles Lakers' Kobe Bryant, who announced his retirement yesterday via a poem he wrote.

Some highlights:

Dear Basketball,

From the moment
I started rolling my dad’s tube socks
And shooting imaginary
Game-winning shots
In the Great Western Forum
I knew one thing was real:

I fell in love with you.

A love so deep I gave you my all —
From my mind & body
To my spirit & soul.

Ampersands! The spaghetti lovechild of a conjunction and the word 'and.' And Bryant lets his inner-Emily Dickinson out with the em-dash. Bonus points.

And we both know, no matter what I do next
I’ll always be that kid
With the rolled up socks
Garbage can in the corner
:05 seconds on the clock
Ball in my hands.
5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1

Poor dad. His multi-millionaire 37-year old son won't stop stealing his tube socks. Won't someone please buy Kobe a six-pack of socks for Christmas?

1930s high school basketball looks like it's from another planet.

The Illinois High School Association released a video from the 1930s documenting how high school basketball looked and felt back then, and it looked little like today's game.

Most notably, there's no center court line, no 3-point line, and no shot clock. Indeed, as the video narrator points out, it wasn't odd for 30-35 passes between teammates before someone decided to take a shot. Slow and steady wins the race (and makes for a snoozier game).

And when they did take a shot sometimes--as you can see around the 4:00 mark--they're heaving that ball, as Marv Albert would say, from waaay downtown. Half court shots for no apparent reason? Sure, why not? Live a little.

The video also explains a few key phrases from our everyday basketball vocabulary, such as the phrase, "the top of the key." Apparently this evolves from the much more different looking free-throw lane from early basketball (which was only 6ft wide then) which resembled a key, hence why we still use the phrase today.

There's no explanation for the short shorts that predate everything great about Larry Bird's look, circa 1986.




Video: IHSA Archives on YouTube

Worrrrrd.

The New Oxford American Dictionary came out with their "Word of the Year" for 2009. The word:

unfriend: verb -- To remove someone as a 'friend' on a social networking site, such as Facebook.

Seems acceptable, albeit it a few years late. There are two things you need to know about the Oxford folks when it comes to these words:

1.) These are words that are generally made up.

2.) Odds are you've never heard of most of them.

Now, "Word of the Year" would sound like something that must be hugely popular--a word that is in the hearts and minds of everyone. It should be so timeless that we all remember the word of the year from last year. Of course, you remember the 2008 word was--uhh--give me a second to find it--it's got to be around here somewhere--ahh, something called a "hypermiling."

I thought it referred to speed walkers. You know, those people who are horrifically bony, who wear the super short-shorts made popular in the 1980s by Larry Bird's pasty gams, who flail their elbows as if they're at a Wal-Mart door-buster sale the day after Thanksgiving? Those people.

Except "hypermiling" doesn't refer to them. No. It's a verb that means to try and extend the miles-per-gallon abilities of your car. Well, that's not nearly as interesting as speed walkers. That's a letdown.

Apparently there are runner-ups ("runners-up"? Which is it?) for the 2009 Word of the Year.

From the Technology word category, some runner(s)-ups are:

1.) hashtag: formerly known as a pound sign (#), now re-christened because of Twitter. (So, in essence, it's a pound sign after a facelift and a name change. Kind of like Prince.)

2.) intexticated: being distracted while driving because of texting or talking while on a cellphone. (I can honestly say I've never heard of this word before. I'm as cutting edge as a spoon it seems.)

3.) sexting: sending sexually explicit texts via cellphone. (My personal favorite. As a word that is.)

From the Economic word category, some runner(s)-ups are:

1.) freemium: a business model in which basic services are offered for free, while trying to lure customers to purchase premium add-ons. (If you haven't picked up on it yet, what we have going on here are new words created by blending two other words. You, too, can be a word genius and create your own word using this methodology. Someone rich but acts poor? They're "roor." Maybe?)

2.) funemployed: taking advantage of ones newly unemployed status to have fun and pursue similar activities. (Really? Really now?? "Funemployed"? It must be the crowd I hang out with. We're economic misfits with empty bank accounts. The only unemployed fun we'd have would be to see who could stave off hypothermia the longest once the heat was shut off.)

From the Politics and Current Affairs word category, some runner(s)-ups are:

1.) birthers: conspiracy theorists who challenge Barack Obama's place of birth. (I prefer to call all conspiracy theorists of any stripe "moonbats.")

2.) choice mom: a person who chooses to be a single mom. (This reminds me too much of being at the deli and looking for choice cuts of meat. Just saying.)

3.) teabagger: a person who opposes Barack Obama's tax policies, ie: Boston Tea Party. (Uh-huh. Ri-i-i-ight.)

From the Environment word category, some runner(s)-ups are:

1.) green state: a state with strict environmental regulations. (As opposed to Vermont, which simply has the market cornered on Green Mountains.)

2.) ecotown: a town run and built on eco-friendly policies. ("Won't you take me to....Ecotown! Won't you take me to...ECOTOWN!!")

Novelty word runner(s)-ups:

1.) deleb: a dead celebrity. (What if their career is the only thing dead? Like John Travolta's?)

2.) tramp stamp: a tattoo on the lower back. (Clearly, those New Oxford folks have their fingers on the pulse of 1995.)

These words mean nothing. We'll forget 90% of them by next week. In reality, we should be picking words from the 1970s or '80's that have stood the test of time. So, maybe a 30 year buffer from when a word first appeared. The Word of the Year from 1980 would be selected in 2010, for example. Using that, might I suggest "Funkytown"? The word came out--and the song was released--in 1980.

Funkytown? I think we all can agree go to...funkytown.