I've often wondered how long I had to wait until a school textbook would tell me what a cultural juggernaut Kenny Rogers was. Now, I need wonder no longer.
Thankfully, the Texas State Board of Education feels the same way. They've recommended inserting into textbooks the influence of country music as a nationally important cultural movement. Likewise, they've recommended eliminating hip-hop as any sort of influence altogether, as well as minimizing Latino cultural impact references altogether.
Potential Texas tourism slogan:
Xenophobia: It's not a town in Texas. It's a state of mind!
It seems the the Texas State Board of Education is undergoing massive changes with what they require in textbooks. Apparently, they also purchase a disproportionately large number of textbooks. This, in turn, leads to states like Oregon and Vermont--the respective capitals of patchouli and trail mix consumption--to buy the same textbooks that Texas deems appropriate. Some estimates say that 80% of all textbooks are based off what the Texas State Board of Education recommends. Lucky for us, the board doesn't stop at country music influence. Let us count the ways:
1.) Joseph McCarthy? He's a swell guy now.
Doesn't this look like the face of an angel? He was. This photo is of Joseph McCarthy. He was the senator from Wisconsin in the 1950s who went on a tear to rid America of Communists, and tried limiting the civil liberties of Americans as a result. In the process, he ruined the lives of countless innocent people. Thanks to the Texas Board of Education, Joe is going to get a new leash on life as a hero who kept the Soviet Russians quaking in their boots--all while doing a spot-on impersonation of an older Eddie Munster. Thank goodness. I, for one, believe we can never have enough alcoholic, mildly racist, Chicken Littles for our children to look up to.
2.) Thomas Jefferson? Just between you and me, James Madison was the real brains amongst the founding fathers.
Thomas Jefferson has always been trumpeted as one of the great intellectual minds of American history. Good thing the Texas Board of Education is going to put such nonsense aside. This is because Jefferson is largely attributed to being the root of the American separation of church and state. See? He was a hippy radical--the Abbie Hoffman of 1776.
Who will be taught in his place? St. Thomas Aquinas, John Calvin, and conservative British jurist William Blackstone. Really. Logically, it's always best to replace an American with three non-Americans when teaching American history.
3. Words: you say "tomato," I say you're misrepresenting the produce aisle with your ideology.
The Texas Board of Education is eliminating the words students use. Gone are words like "imperialism" when referencing America's rise to power. "Imperialism" only brings up images of Darth Vader and emphysema, which no one likes to think about. Instead, "expansionism" will replace it. You know--expanding, like a waist line. It's a much more tender image. Full bellies and all.
Likewise, gone is the dirty, filthy word "capitalism" from textbooks--which, undoubtedly, sounds greedy. Michael Douglas in Wall Street kind of greedy. Now it's replaced with "free market." Anything with the word "free" in front of it is supposed to be inspirational. It conjures images of Uncle Sam with a bald eagle on his shoulder eating apple pie while he drives a Ford pickup. "Free market" also sounds selfless, as if you're handing out free merchandise to everyone. That's a win-win for everyone.
4.) Affirmative action is now a negative action.
And so is Title IX, which allowed women equal rights in the classroom and in school athletic programs. Texas will require students to be taught that "unintended consequences" occurred once affirmative action and Title IX went into effect. I bet. Like women playing sports. Pssh. What good ever came of that? Venus and Serena Williams? What'd they ever do?
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