Yeah, yeah, yeah--everyone pays attention to Lake Superior State University once a year to see which words and phrases they want to ban from the English language.
But when they're not busy banning words, the Negative Nancy of the North also enjoys burning a snowman (alive?) at the end of every winter.
Even the guy down front can't witness the carnage.
In fact, here's a 45-second nugget from the same event. The laughter, the happiness, the joy as Frosty is torched. Notice how the mob starts burning him right where his heart is. Some morbid poet should run with this idea and write a sonnet on snowman violence.
The shady, the weird, the double entendre--it's time to relive the magic.
A tradition in these parts--the annual dissection of Christmas and holiday song lyrics continues for the fifth edition.
So, without further ado...
Song #1: Title: The Little Drummer Boy Written by:Katherine Davis, Harry Simeone, Henry Onorati (original)
Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes (new, additional raps) Sung by:Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes
The Little Drummer Boy trips the light fantastic on its own merit. A wandering hobo child shows up, uninvited, to play the drums around a newborn baby that should be sleeping? Sure. Sounds like a good game plan, kid.
But where you see a quaint story of a homeless musical child channeling his inner Keith Moon, Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes see things getting sexy up in that stable.
We know the original lyrics. So let's dive into Bieber's additional rap, in all its Auto-Tune glory:
[Bieber] Rum pa pa pum, rum pa pum pum pum pum.
Yeah I'm on the drum, yeah I'm on the snare drum.
Yeah I'm on the beat cause the beat goes dumb.
And I only spit heat cause I'm playin' for the Son.
Playin' for the King, playin for the Title,
I'm surprised you didn't hear this in the Bible.
I'm so tight, I might go psycho.
Christmas time, so here's a recital.
I'm so bad like Michael, I know I'm still young but I go I go.
Stupid stupid love like Cupid,
I'm the drummer boy so do it, do it.
Bieber's right. How could we NOT hear thisin the Bible? Maybe he's referring to the Whore of Babylon or the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Both are very similar to his music.
This verse is also the first known reference to anyone being 'psycho' in a Christmas song. Imagine all the tender-hearted images of a knife-wielding murderer in Alfred Hitchcock's film, but with more holly and mistletoe. [Busta:] Lemme get straight to it. Yo.
At the table with the family, havin' dinner,
Blackberry on our hip and then it gave a little flicker.
Then I took a look to see before it activates the ringer;
Came to realize my homie Bieber hit me on the Twitter.
Then I hit him back despite I had some food up on my finger,
Sippin' eggnog with a little sprinkle of vanilla,
Even though it's kinda cold, pullin' out a chinchilla,
Bieber hit me back and said, "Let's make it hot up in the winter."
I said, "Cool." Ya know Imma deliver;
Let's collaborate and make the holiday a little bigger.
Before we work I gotta get this off,
See the other family members and drop gifts off.
Then I'm headed to the studio cause ain't nothing stopping how
You know we bout to turn it up and really get it poppin' now.
People everywhere and all our Twitter followers,
"Merry Christmas, Kwanza, happy Hanukkah! "
Couple of things here:
a.) Twitter gets two shoutouts?
b.) Poor Busta. He uses a Blackberry.
c.) I don't think vanilla is a sprinkable product usually.
d.) It's best we stop pretending this is about The Little Drummer Boy anymore.
e.) Busta would rather be in the studio than with his family on Christmas. Frowny face.
Back to Bieber on the mic:
If you wanna give, it's the time of year.
JB on the beat, yeah yeah, I'm on the snare.
It's crazy how some people say, say they don't care,
When there's people on the street with no food; it's not fair.
It's about time for you to act merrily;
It's about time for you to give to charity.
Rarely do people even wanna help at all,
'Cause they warm by the fire, getting toys and their dolls.
Not thinking there's a family out hungry and cold,
Wishin' wishin' that they had somebody they could hold.
So I think some of you need to act bold;
Give a can to a drive, let's change the globe.
You heard it here first from Justin Bieber: A can of peas to your local food pantry will change the world.
Song #2: Title: Christmas Tree Written by: Lady Gaga, Rob Fusari, Space Cowboy Sung by: Lady Gaga and Space Cowboy
Christmas Tree by Lady Gaga is exactly like Luciano Pavarotti belting out O Tannenbaum, except picture Pavarotti gyrating half-naked in a meat suit and suggesting you want to get sexy with him and his angel.
To the lyrics:
The only place you'll wanna be Is underneath my Christmas tree. The only place you'll wanna be Is underneath my Christmas tree.
Because I'm like the family house cat? Mr. Whiskers is a menace under the tree. Don't let his purring deter you--Mr. Whiskers is a nuisance. Light me up, put me on top, Let's fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. Light me up, put me on top, Let's fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la.
Put her on top of the tree. The tree. Get your mind out of the gutter!
Ho-ho-ho, under the mistletoe, Yes, everybody knows We will take off our clothes. Yes, if you want us to we will.
She's nothing if not accommodating. It is the season of giving after all--so if you feel like gettin' nekkid, Lady Gaga will oblige.
And it's okay to have your mind in the gutter now. I take back what I said.
You oh, oh, a Christmas, My Christmas tree's delicious, Oh, oh, a Christmas, My Christmas tree's delicious.
Uhhhh.
Your mouth is going to get pretty full of sap if you do that.
Here, here, here, the best time of the year, Take off my stockings we're Out spreading Christmas cheer. Yes, if you want us to we will.
Admittedly, stockings can chafe. But just a heads-up: Rashes from spreading cheer might require antibiotics.
Song #3: Title:Back Door Santa Written by: Clarence Carter and Marcus Daniel Sung by: Clarence Carter
If you're a sweet, wide-eyed innocent type, pretend that the title alone just suggests Santa uses back doors instead of chimneys.
The rest of you--yeah. This is about booty action.
They call me Back Door Santa
I make my runs about the break of day.
They call me Back Door Santa
I make my runs about the break of day.
I make all the little girls happy
While the boys are out to play.
So Santa is sick of working the third shift--you can't blame him. Working nights isn't for everyone, you know? And so what if he hates little boys? I was once a little boy, too. Little boys are punks.
I ain't like the old Saint Nick,
He don't come but once a year.
I ain't like the old Saint Nick,
He don't come but once a year.
I come runnin' with my presents
Every time you call me dear.
So Clarence is just a very giving man all year round. He comes often, and with presents! That present might be a positive pregnancy test or herpes, but, hey, beggars can't be choosers with gifts.
I keep some change in my pocket in case the children are home.
I give 'em a few pennies so that we can be alone.
I leave the back door open so if anybody smells a mouse
And wouldn't old Santa be in trouble if there ain't no chimney in the house?
This went from zero-to-creepy in about three seconds flat. It's not often you get a Christmas song about soccer mom booty call action--but now add in hush money for the soccer mom's kids who were watching Sesame Street before this song started.
Song #5: Title: Must Be Santa Written by: Hal Moore and Bill Fredericks Sung by: Mitch Miller Singers originally, later the likes of Bob Dylan
You know what Christmas songs need more of? Mysterious riddles.
Who's got a beard that's long and white?
Oooh, oooh, I know this one! The homeless man panhandling at the subway stop near my home! He's very friendly and only rarely drunk.
Santa's got a beard that's long and white!
Sonova--listen, my local homeless fellow does, too, I'll have you know. Just because Santa Claus channels an inner homeless man isn't my fault.
What's next?
Who comes around on a special night?
The Easter Bunny, Batman, a deadbeat father with an overdue child support check. I win!
Santa comes around on a special night! Must be Santa! Must be Santa! Must be Santa, Santa Claus!
I didn't want to say that Santa was a deadbeat father, but if we have to go there, we have to go there.
Who wears boots and a suit of red?
A firefighter, a Target employee, a Victoria's Secret angel? Maybe a Victoria's Secret angel wearing a limited edition firefighter outfit? I win!
Santa wears boots and a suit of red!
Listen, this is just Santa OCD at this point.
Who wears a long cap on his head?
Albert Finney playing Ebeneezer Scrooge in the 1970 musical adaptation of 'A Christmas Story' named, appropriately enough, 'Scrooge.' I win!
Santa wears a long cap on his head! Cap on head, suit that's red,
Special night, beard that's white,
Must be Santa, must be Santa, Must be Santa, Santa Claus.
How about 'Who runs a sweatshop out of the glare of child labor authorities? Must be Santa!' Someone better than me can work on rhyming that.
Who's got a big, red, cherry nose?
Half the people at an AA meeting? My uncle Frank by about 5pm on Christmas night? Me after a grad class at Boston College? Who laughs this way, "ho-ho-ho"?
A second-rate James Bond villain? A pimp? Santa laughs this way, "ho-ho-ho"!
Whatever. I give up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Song #6: Title: Christmas Is A-Comin' Written by: A nursery rhyme adopted as a Christmas carol. Sung by: Bing Crosby, then other fringe musical acts.
I've always said that Christmas songs need more allusions to homeless begging. Finally, Bing Crosby came through with my request.
When I'm feeling blue, when I'm feeling low,
I start to think about the happiest man I know.
Now he doesn't mind the snow, he doesn't mind the rain,
But all December you will hear him at your window pane.
Jesus, call the cops! The homeless man is clawing at the window again!
Christmas is a coming, and the egg is in the nog.
Pleased to give a friendly man a friendly little dog.
If you haven't got a friendly dog, a friendly cat'll do,
If you haven't got a friendly cat may God bless you!
God bless you, gentlemen, God bless you!
If you haven't got a friendly cat may God bless you!
Is this the kind of gift friendly people get? Do we dish out pets indiscriminately? How do we make the leap in logic to hand over Mr. Whiskers? And since when did Mr. Whiskers become a secondary citizen to a dog? It sounds like the cat is a lovely parting gift for the losers on Wheel of Fortune.
Christmas is a coming, the lights are on the tree.
How about a turkey leg for dear old me?
If you haven't got a turkey leg, a turkey wing will do.
If you haven't got a turkey wing may God bless you!
Thanks for reminding me that I'm so poor I can't afford a turkey wing. I want to be reminded of my poverty at the holidays. Thanks for that. Really.
Christmas is a coming, the cider's in the keg.
If I had a mug of cider I wouldn't have to beg.
If you haven't got a mug of cider, half a mug will do.
If you haven't got half a mug, may God bless you!
Now you're guilt-tripping me, Bing. "I wouldn't have to beg if I had a mug of cider!" Yeah, well I wouldn't have hunger pains if I had a turkey wing, so we're all losers here.
Song #7: Title: Suzy Snowflake Written by: Sid Tepper and Roy C. Bennett Sung by: Rosemary Clooney
I make it a point in life never to trust anyone named Suzy, but that's besides the point.
Here comes Suzy Snowflake
Dressed in a snow-white gown
Tap, tap, tappin' at your windowpane
To tell you she's in town.
Hey now! This Suzy is a hot commodity with the ball gown look. Here I was thinking a sensible coat, hat, and mittens would do the trick.
But again with the windowpane tapping. Suzy is verrrrry suggestive.
Here comes Suzy Snowflake
Soon you will hear her say
"Come out ev'ryone and play with me
I haven't long to stay."
She's only one snowflake, but damned if she doesn't make herself readily available to everyone in town. For a limited time only, Suzy is available to play with!
If you want to make a snowman
I'll help you make it, one, two, three.
If you want to take a sleigh ride Whee! The ride's on me!
Thanks, but I'll take a sleigh ride in a sleigh, Suzy, despite your offer. But check in with Back Door Santa. He might be interested.
It's that time of year again when families come together out of obligation and pity to share gifts haphazardly thrown together out of spite.
It's also time for the annual analysis of Christmas/holiday song lyrics, where every bit of sexual innuendo and casual references to weirdness doesn't go unnoticed.
So let's get to it:
Song: Winter Wonderland Written by: Felix Bernard and Richard B. Smith Sung by: Everyone from Bing Crosby to Toby Keith
Nothing is more enjoyable than when someone starts asking questions before I even know them.
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?
In the lane snow is glistening.
Cool story, bro. Are we all supposed to stop what we're doing when we hear a sleigh bell? Isn't that how northern Finland gets around--sleighs? How the hell do they operate as a society if they have to stop every five minutes because a sleigh bell has rung?
Gone away is the bluebird.
Here to stay is a new bird.
He sings a love song as we go along,
Walking in a winter wonderland.
The wannabe Audubon Society gets derailed pretty quickly in these lyrics. They're quick to tell us about the migratory patterns of the bluebird--but damned if they have a clue what this other bird looks like. What's a swallow look like? Maybe it's a chickadee? No rational bird flies north for the winter, whatever it is.
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he is Parson Brown.
Ri-i-i-ght. Because whenever I build a snowman I always equate cold, lifeless beings to clergy members.
He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man!
But you can do the job when you're in town."
Man, this Defense of Marriage Act crap has even moved into the snowman realm. The minute this snowman comes to life he's peppering questions about your married life. Soon snowmen will be trying to ban gay marriage and limit adoptions to only heterosexual couples.
Later on we'll conspire as we dream by the fire,
To face unafraid the plans that we made
Walking in a winter wonderland.
Just goes to show you how scary marriage is. You need to dream about being unafraid to face it.
Song:Last Christmas Written by: George Michael Sung by: Wham!
First off, the ratio of hair mousse-to-scalp is off the charts in this video, but that's beside the point.
George Michael brings to light the seedy underbelly of black market organ donation.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart,
But the very next day you gave it away.
This sort of logic brings up the problem with gifting. If you give someone something, isn't it their damn right to do what they feel with the gift--be it an ugly sweater or your heart? Maybe that heart had some quality resale value, and was worth some coin the day after Christmas.
This year, to save me from tears,
I'll give it to someone special.
Ooooh, snap! Them's fightin' words! I think George Michael just insulted someone through expert passive aggression.
Once bitten and twice shy,
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye.
Tell me, baby, do you recognize me?
Well, if it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me.
How much heroin are you doing that a lover doesn't recognize you a year later?
A crowded room, friends with tired eyes.
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice.
My God, I thought you were someone to rely on.
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on.
Possibly the only reference to a "soul of ice" in the history of Christmas song lyrics. It's like a bad sci-fi movie had sex with a Christmas song. So heartwarming!
Song:Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer Written by: Randy Brooks Sung By: Elmo & Patsy (...originally, although now there are horrible remakes of it)
Christmas traditions are always a tender thing. Mistletoe, children opening gifts, and manslaughter--they all make the season feel merry and bright.
She'd been drinking too much egg nog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.
I don't know what their recipe for egg nog calls for, but they need to share that with listeners. If it's strong enough to sauce a grandma whose liver is most likely already pickled, that's a needs-to-know kind of situation.
When they found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack,
She had hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.
Santa didn't just accidentally sideswipe her with his sleigh. There are Claus marks (?) on her back, which is pretty damning evidence if you ask me. It's suggestive that--after the reindeer pummeled her--the fat man got out of his sleigh and went full Ed Norton in American History X on grandma.
I've warned all my friends and neighbors,
"Better watch out for yourselves!"
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
I don't know what Santa's sexual kinks should have to do his getting a license. If the man plays a little slap-and-tickle with an elf, so be it. To each their own.
Song:One Little Christmas Tree Written by: Ron Miller and Bryan Wells Sung by: Stevie Wonder
The key to a pleasant Christmas song is to make sure you paint a scene of desperation.
One little Christmas tree was standing alone,
Waiting for someone to come by.
One little Christmas Tree that never had grown
Cried as he looked up to the sky.
Isolation? Check. An onset of depression? Check.
Please continue:
Oh, please Mr. Father Tree, the tallest of all,
I'm so afraid and all alone,
Could one little Christmas tree so tiny and small
Light up someone's home?
Now this is just getting creepy. Did the tree just ask to die? I think he did. Can trees be suicidal? Can they be put on suicide watch? What does someone do here? Can trees call the Samaritans?
I don't know. I'm so confused. So damn horribly confused. Since when could a tree talk, nevermind need its shoelaces and belt taken away from it?
Time for another check-in on words and phrases people are using on search engines to find The Toolbox. According to Google, these search terms were used within the last 24hrs:
1.) froot loops france
We're very big with French cereal aficionados.
2.) frosty the snowman metaphor
The word is finally spreading: Frosty is a drug dealer on the lam.
a.) Dean Martin is a budding Level Three sex offender. (Baby, It's Cold Outside)
b.) Jesus is fond of Jimmy Choo stilettos. (The Christmas Shoes)
c.) Santa is a philanderer. (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus)
d.) Schizophrenia can have a catchy Christmasy bent to it. (Do You Hear What I Hear?)
All holiday song lyrics are a little shady when you look at them. That's where I come in.
Song:I Saw Three Ships Written by: Unknown. It's old. First published by William B. Sandys Sung by: Nat King Cole, Sting, The Boston Pops, Sufjan Stevens, and countless others.
You think the holiday season is busy for you? Imagine if you're in the shipping business like this song tells us about.
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas day, on Christmas day.
Import/export businesses never take a vacation day, even on Christmas day. This must be what it's like to work for UPS.
And what was in those ships all three
On Christmas day, on Christmas day?
And what was in those ships all three
On Christmas day in the morning?
Sounds to me like we've got an illicit smuggling operation on our hands. Is this song taking place off the coast of Miami? Are the three ships high-powered speed boats, being driven by men with smoldering good looks, sunglasses, and lots of gold chains around their necks? Is Don Johnson in hot pursuit?
The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas day, on Christmas day. The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas day in the morning.
So I guess Mary and Jesus are dock workers now. No word on where Joseph is during all this. If it follows the plot to On The Waterfront, he's taking bribes from union officials in a seedy bar somewhere.
O, they sailed into Bethlehem On Christmas day, on Christmas day. O, they sailed into Bethlehem On Christmas day in the morning.
This is a startling revelation on a wide array of levels, the least of which is that Bethlehem is a landlocked city 20 miles away from the nearest body of water. Turns out these ships were hovercrafts all along.
Song:Grown-up Christmas List Written by: David Foster and Linda Thompson-Jenner Sung by: Natalie Cole, Amy Grant, and any other light rock musicians.
"Grown-up Christmas List," you say? (((wink-wink, nudge-nudge))) This should have lots of juicy info...
No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts,
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end,
This is my grown-up Christmas list.
Well, that's a complete lack of truth in advertising right there.
Song:Frosty the Snowman Written by: Walter "Jack" Rollins and Steve Nelson Sung by: Originally Gene Autry, then Jimmy Durante, Perry Como, and everyone else alive with a record contract and three minutes of spare time to record it.
The creepiest version of Frosty is hard to find online, but it's everywhere on the radio. It's one of two versions sung by Jimmy Durante. In it, Jimmy sings to a group of no-name children, and has sing-songy chitchat that raises more questions than even the song itself.
Jimmy:Come a little closer children, I've got a story to tell.
Kid:Oh, gee!
Apparently the kid never listened when his parent told him never to talk to strangers. A story, Mr. Stranger? Why, I'll just mosey on over to have a listen if you don't say! Do you have any candy, too?
Jimmy:It's about a man you've heard of, and I knew him well.
Kid:How well?
Something must seem fishy to the kid, because now he's asking questions. Sure--you knew of this Frosty fella, but how well did you really know him, Jimmy? Hmm?? How well?! And why am I sitting on your knee all of a sudden??
Jimmy:He was born on a cold winter's morning and went on to gain great fame.
But may I begin my story and refer to him by name?
Kid:Please do!
No, Jimmy. I was hoping you'd refer to Frosty in code. I like it when Christmas songs require a Rosetta Stone to decipher them.
Frosty the Snowman
Was a jolly, happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose,
And two eyes made out of coal.
For the time being, we'll ignore the logic of a snowman smoking flaming hot products near his face. But you can tell this song was written in the 1950s when Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man were iconic figures. You're not going to get a Christmas song today with Dora the Explorer referring to her hand-rolling Cuban cigars and relaxing on Christmas morning with a casual smoke.
There must've been some magic
In that old silk hat they found,
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around.
Admittedly, a snappy looking top hat can make the most humdrum situation put a little rhythm in your feet.
Frosty the Snowman
Was alive as he could be.
And the children say he could laugh and play
Just the same as you and me.
If history has proven anything, it's that children always make for great eyewitnesses. They never lie, especially when under oath in a court of law.
Anyway, here the song pauses to play a little music, before the child jumps in with...
Kid:But Uncle Jimmy, you didn't finish your story!
Jimmy:I know. I just paused to catch my breath.
Listen, if you're having shortness of breath from telling a story, you have bigger worries than talking snowmen. Jimmy might want to see a doctor, get a couple chest X-rays, and cut back on the two pack-a-day cigarette habit.
Frosty the Snowman
Knew the sun was hot that day.
So he said let's run and we'll have some fun
Now before I melt away.
This is where Frosty the Snowman veers wildly into metaphor. The lyrics jump from a magical top hat and smoking pipes--to Frosty on the lam from the authorities.
So what's it really about? Frosty is a criminal. (Work with me on this.) He meets kids in the park under suspect circumstances. (Just say no to drugs, kids!) They like him. But the cops are on his tail. Frosty feels "the heat" from them, and takes his criminal act on the run throughout town.
Down to the village
With a broomstick in his hand
Running here and there and around the square
Saying catch me if you can.
Broom stick = weapon of choice of snowmen. Watch out, Frosty is a thug! He's got anger issues!
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop.
And he only paused a moment
When he heard him holler "Stop!"
And does Frosty obey? No. Evading police and resisting arrest? That'll add an extra 1-3 years in prison.
Frosty the Snowman
Had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye, saying "Don't you cry,
I'll be back again someday!"
Those are the words of a man being led away in handcuffs. Fast-forward 10 years, Frosty will have a few prison tats and look buff from working out in the prison yard. He'll still hold a grudge against that traffic cop and will be out for vengeance.
Song:Santa Claus Got Stuck in My Chimney Written by: William Hardy and Billy Moore Jr. Sung by: Ella Fitzgerald, most notably
Ella Fitzgerald enjoys a good metaphor. Did you know this song was banned from radio airplay for decades by Ella herself because she felt badly about the metaphorical imagery? True story. What's so bad about it? Let's see...
Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney...
There he was in the middle of the chimney,
Roly-poly, fat and round,
There he was in the middle of the chimney,
Not quite up, and not quite down.
Yeeeaah, I'm just going to let you figure this out on your own. I don't think you need me to hold your hand on this one.
Song:Christmas Bride Written by: Ray Conniff Sung by: The Ray Conniff Singers
Nothing brings out romance quite like the holiday season. And if you can slip Santa a $20, he can make those romantic dreams a reality.
Ohhhh!!
Santa, make her my bride for Christmas,
Santa, it wouldn't cost very much.
It appears Santa works as a justice of the peace in his downtime. I'm going to wager he's a notary public, too. He might even be a CPA as well. Check him out at tax time!
Santa, if you will use your magic,
This Christmas Eve while I'm holding her tight,
Then I'll whisper the proper thing
And offer her the ring.
Please, Santa, make her my Christmas bride.
It's good to know that Santa throws caution to the wind when it comes people's romantic feelings. Is your girlfriend a little hesitant to walk down the aisle? Does she still have feelings for her ex? Santa can help with that.
But, wait, there's more!
Santa, make me his bride for Christmas.
Santa, it wouldn't cost very much,
Just a sprinkle of reindeer dust
A a sprig of mistletoe.
Oh, so she's willing to get married, too. Two consenting adults are willing to get hitched, and they need Santa's magic...because? They're both married to someone else? Are they cheating? Is this song about infidelity? We already know from I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus that Santa doesn't care about infidelity. How many ruined marriages must Santa be responsible for??
Song:Run, Rudolph, Run Written by: Johnny Marks and Marvin Brodie Sung by: Chuck Berry, then covered by anyone looking to sound "rocking" with their Christmas songs.
Rudolph is always being asked to do more than his fair share, and here it's no different.
Out of all the reindeer, you know you're the mastermind.
Run, run, Rudolph, Randalph ain't too far behind.
I don't know who this Randalph character is, but he can't be pleasant if Rudolph needs a heads-up by Chuck Berry to watch out.
Run, run, Rudolph, Santa's got to make it to town,
Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down.
What we learn from this is that Santa is a deadbeat who is perpetually late for everything if it weren't for Rudolph. But the real question here is why isn't Santa taking Santa Claus Lane to get where he needs to go? Is there traffic on it? Is the freeway quicker? But what about tolls? Does Santa have an EasyPass for those?
Said Santa to a boy child, "What have you been longing for?"
"All I want for Christmas is a rock and roll electric guitar."
And then away went Rudolph whizzing like a shooting star.
Possibly the only reference to "whizzing" in a Christmas song. But what's of note here is that Santa apparently doesn't bring the toys with him on his sleigh. Instead, he operates like a layaway at Kmart, with Rudolph fetching the merchandise.
Said Santa to a girl child, "What would please you most to get?"
"A little baby doll that can cry, sleep, drink, and wet."
And then away went Rudolph whizzing like a Saber jet.
Why, who wouldn't want to spend 24/7 with a doll that is crying and urinating on itself? Put me down for two of those. It's like having a real baby, without the potential of social services getting involved once you inevitably get bored from the whole experience.
Song:Dominick the Donkey Written by: Richard Allen, Sam Saltzberg, and Lou Monte Sung by: Lou Monte
As Americans, we quickly forget that Santa doesn't visit just us. He visits the world--or, really, anyone who's offering free cookies. And who doesn't love Italian cookies, eh??
Santa's got a little friend,
His name is Dominick.
The cutest little donkey,
You'll never see him kick.
When Santa visits his paisans,
With Dominick he'll be,
Because the reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy.
Outsourcing of jobs has even hit the reindeer employment industry. Here we thought the reindeer were Santa's main source of transport. Now, cheaper, smaller donkeys are taking over instead. Of course, Santa's excuse is that the reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy. Pssh, I thought the reindeer flew, Santa? Sounds like lies to me.
Jingle bells around his feet
And presents on the sled.
Hey, look at the mayor's derby
On top of Dominick's head.
A pair of shoes for Louie
And a dress for Josephine,
The labels on the inside
Say they're made in Bruccalin'. (Brooklyn)
Bringing shoes and clothes to the kids? Apparently Santa is a fashionista who demands haute couture clothing for small children. Really, Santa, I think you could've stayed home. Or call in Rudolph. I hear he can whizz on over to Kmart and pick up a crying, wetting dolly in a jiffy.
Song:We Need a Little Christmas Written by: Jerry Herman Sung by: Angela Lansbury originally, Percy Faith, Johnny Mathis
The holiday season can be very stressful. It can be even more stressful when you're on medication.
Haul out the holly.
Put out the tree before my spirit falls again.
I'm no doctor, but this sounds like manic depression. Super-amped highs followed by pronounced lows. What other symptoms can we decipher?
Fill up the stocking,
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now.
Deck the halls---again? You mean you already did it and you're going to start from scratch? Let's tack a little obsessive-compulsive disorder onto this diagnosis.
For I've grown a little leaner,
Grown a little colder,
Grown a little sadder,
Grown a little older.
Uh-oh, it appears we're coming off another high, folks. They've stopped eating and they're growing sadder. On top of that, they're growing colder, too. They've got hypothermic shock or a rare blood disease. Sounds like a visit to the emergency room is on tap for Christmas Eve.
Song:Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer Written by: Johnny Marks Sung by: Gene Autry originally, followed by Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, The Crystals, The Jackson 5, etc., etc.
Johnny Marks was the writer behind the screwy Frosty the Snowman. But he got his start writing shady Christmas songs with Rudolph.
You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blizten.
No. No, I don't know them. I know of them, but I don't know them. Sorry. We've never had the pleasure of meeting and having a few drinks. I hear Vixen is a heartbreaker though.
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
Well, if this reindeer is so famous, how come there's a 50/50 shot I might have forgotten them? I shouldn't have to recall them now, should I?
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glows.
Is Johnny Marks taking us back to metaphors and euphemisms? Because a red nose is a delightful euphemism for a drinking problem. If Rudolph is hitting the sauce, you might as well just tell us straight out. Otherwise, we're talking about a birth defect. If that's the case, we need to bring attention to shiny red-nose-itis.
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games.
Just goes to prove that discrimination happens even at the North Pole. What's most damaging is that Santa seems to be turning a blind eye toward this. I'm not saying Santa is a bigot, just that--
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph, with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Ohhh, so when Santa needs something he's more than happy to pay some attention to Rudolph all of a sudden. Santa doesn't even say "please" either! That's Basic Manners 101.
Then all the reindeer loved him, As they shouted out with glee, "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, You'll go down in history!"
What a fickle crowd! When Rudolph has a birth defect, everyone is on his case. But when the most popular guy in town--Santa--needs a bailout from Rudolph, well, everyone just loves the new celebrity, don't they?
I say Rudolph gives Santa the shaft and meets up with Frosty the Snowman. Frosty might have trouble finding a job once he gets out of prison, and Rudolph could use a bodyguard to keep all the good looking does at bay who are only after him for his new-found celebrity.
Not that I'm reading too much into it or anything.
Lake Superior State University (Fitchburg State College's doppelganger of upper Michigan!) apparently released a list of words and phrases they are banning from use. This is the bizarro world version of the New Oxford American Dictionary folks mentioned below. In essence, Lake State bans the words about a year after the Oxford folks create them. Such is the yin/yang of life.
Sometimes they don't even wait a year. Among the words Lake State banned is "unfriend," which is Oxford Dictionary's 2009 word of the year. (Can't we all just get along? No one wants to see geek violence break out.)
Among the other words and phrases banned:
Tweets
Teachable moment
Stimulus
Czar
Chillaxin
Shovel-ready
App
Sexting
In these economic times...
Toxic assets
Too big to fail
Bromance
Obama-(as a prefix)
Then there are the comments left by random people (mainly from the Midwest) about why these words should be banned. This includes a person named Chris Jensen, from Fond du Lac, WI, who has this to say about why "chillaxin'" should be banned:
A made-up word used by annoying Gen-Yers.
Damn right, Chris. How else do you think I ended up running FSC's blog? It took years of chillaxin' as an annoying Gen-Yer to get where I am.
The strange thing about Lake Superior State University creating this list is the matter of their English Department being--how shall we say this?--tiny. They don't even have a sole English Department. They group it with Communications. Total, they have seven professors. Seven! FSC practically has seven secretaries for their English department. (Actually, 21 full-time professors, as well as 16 adjunct English faculty, bringing the grand total to 37. Those college math classes are paying off, see?) Lake State has to be given credit for their chutzpah. Seven total English professors, and they've been banning words and phrases for over 30 years. By this degree of equality, FSC's English Department should feel free to ban not only words, but books, authors, and dozens of forms of literary theory.
One thing Lake State does have over FSC is burning snowmen. That's right. They build a snowman, pad him with paper, and light him up like a Guy Fawkes-wannabe.
Uhhh, yeaaah. Nothing is so tender quite like seeing smiling, harmless, inanimate objects lit ablaze while people hoot. Pyromania is exciting!
Banning words and burning effigies of Frosty the Snowman--theexcitement never ends at Lake State!
