It's that time of year again. Time to analyze the lyrics to holiday/Christmas/wintry songs. Last year we uncovered these hidden gems in various song lyrics:
a.) Dean Martin is a budding Level Three sex offender. (Baby, It's Cold Outside)
b.) Jesus is fond of Jimmy Choo stilettos. (The Christmas Shoes)
c.) Santa is a philanderer. (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus)
d.) Schizophrenia can have a catchy Christmasy bent to it. (Do You Hear What I Hear?)
All holiday song lyrics are a little shady when you look at them. That's where I come in.
Song: I Saw Three Ships
Written by: Unknown. It's old. First published by William B. Sandys
Sung by: Nat King Cole, Sting, The Boston Pops, Sufjan Stevens, and countless others.
You think the holiday season is busy for you? Imagine if you're in the shipping business like this song tells us about.
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas day, on Christmas day.
Import/export businesses never take a vacation day, even on Christmas day. This must be what it's like to work for UPS.
And what was in those ships all three
On Christmas day, on Christmas day?
And what was in those ships all three
On Christmas day in the morning?
Sounds to me like we've got an illicit smuggling operation on our hands. Is this song taking place off the coast of Miami? Are the three ships high-powered speed boats, being driven by men with smoldering good looks, sunglasses, and lots of gold chains around their necks? Is Don Johnson in hot pursuit?
The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas day, on Christmas day.
The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
On Christmas day in the morning.
So I guess Mary and Jesus are dock workers now. No word on where Joseph is during all this. If it follows the plot to On The Waterfront, he's taking bribes from union officials in a seedy bar somewhere.
O, they sailed into Bethlehem
On Christmas day, on Christmas day.
O, they sailed into Bethlehem
On Christmas day in the morning.
This is a startling revelation on a wide array of levels, the least of which is that Bethlehem is a landlocked city 20 miles away from the nearest body of water. Turns out these ships were hovercrafts all along.
Song: Grown-up Christmas List
Written by: David Foster and Linda Thompson-Jenner
Sung by: Natalie Cole, Amy Grant, and any other light rock musicians.
"Grown-up Christmas List," you say? (((wink-wink, nudge-nudge))) This should have lots of juicy info...
No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts,
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end,
This is my grown-up Christmas list.
Well, that's a complete lack of truth in advertising right there.
Song: Frosty the Snowman
Written by: Walter "Jack" Rollins and Steve Nelson
Sung by: Originally Gene Autry, then Jimmy Durante, Perry Como, and everyone else alive with a record contract and three minutes of spare time to record it.
The creepiest version of Frosty is hard to find online, but it's everywhere on the radio. It's one of two versions sung by Jimmy Durante. In it, Jimmy sings to a group of no-name children, and has sing-songy chitchat that raises more questions than even the song itself.
Jimmy: Come a little closer children, I've got a story to tell.
Kid: Oh, gee!
Apparently the kid never listened when his parent told him never to talk to strangers. A story, Mr. Stranger? Why, I'll just mosey on over to have a listen if you don't say! Do you have any candy, too?
Jimmy: It's about a man you've heard of, and I knew him well.
Kid: How well?
Something must seem fishy to the kid, because now he's asking questions. Sure--you knew of this Frosty fella, but how well did you really know him, Jimmy? Hmm?? How well?! And why am I sitting on your knee all of a sudden??
Jimmy: He was born on a cold winter's morning and went on to gain great fame.
But may I begin my story and refer to him by name?
Kid: Please do!
No, Jimmy. I was hoping you'd refer to Frosty in code. I like it when Christmas songs require a Rosetta Stone to decipher them.
Frosty the Snowman
Was a jolly, happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose,
And two eyes made out of coal.
For the time being, we'll ignore the logic of a snowman smoking flaming hot products near his face. But you can tell this song was written in the 1950s when Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man were iconic figures. You're not going to get a Christmas song today with Dora the Explorer referring to her hand-rolling Cuban cigars and relaxing on Christmas morning with a casual smoke.
There must've been some magic
In that old silk hat they found,
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around.
Admittedly, a snappy looking top hat can make the most humdrum situation put a little rhythm in your feet.
Frosty the Snowman
Was alive as he could be.
And the children say he could laugh and play
Just the same as you and me.
If history has proven anything, it's that children always make for great eyewitnesses. They never lie, especially when under oath in a court of law.
Anyway, here the song pauses to play a little music, before the child jumps in with...
Kid: But Uncle Jimmy, you didn't finish your story!
Jimmy: I know. I just paused to catch my breath.
Listen, if you're having shortness of breath from telling a story, you have bigger worries than talking snowmen. Jimmy might want to see a doctor, get a couple chest X-rays, and cut back on the two pack-a-day cigarette habit.
Frosty the Snowman
Knew the sun was hot that day.
So he said let's run and we'll have some fun
Now before I melt away.
This is where Frosty the Snowman veers wildly into metaphor. The lyrics jump from a magical top hat and smoking pipes--to Frosty on the lam from the authorities.
So what's it really about? Frosty is a criminal. (Work with me on this.) He meets kids in the park under suspect circumstances. (Just say no to drugs, kids!) They like him. But the cops are on his tail. Frosty feels "the heat" from them, and takes his criminal act on the run throughout town.
Down to the village
With a broomstick in his hand
Running here and there and around the square
Saying catch me if you can.
Broom stick = weapon of choice of snowmen. Watch out, Frosty is a thug! He's got anger issues!
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop.
And he only paused a moment
When he heard him holler "Stop!"
And does Frosty obey? No. Evading police and resisting arrest? That'll add an extra 1-3 years in prison.
Frosty the Snowman
Had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye, saying "Don't you cry,
I'll be back again someday!"
Those are the words of a man being led away in handcuffs. Fast-forward 10 years, Frosty will have a few prison tats and look buff from working out in the prison yard. He'll still hold a grudge against that traffic cop and will be out for vengeance.
Song: Santa Claus Got Stuck in My Chimney
Written by: William Hardy and Billy Moore Jr.
Sung by: Ella Fitzgerald, most notably
Ella Fitzgerald enjoys a good metaphor. Did you know this song was banned from radio airplay for decades by Ella herself because she felt badly about the metaphorical imagery? True story. What's so bad about it? Let's see...
Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney...
There he was in the middle of the chimney,
Roly-poly, fat and round,
There he was in the middle of the chimney,
Not quite up, and not quite down.
Yeeeaah, I'm just going to let you figure this out on your own. I don't think you need me to hold your hand on this one.
Song: Christmas Bride
Written by: Ray Conniff
Sung by: The Ray Conniff Singers
Nothing brings out romance quite like the holiday season. And if you can slip Santa a $20, he can make those romantic dreams a reality.
Ohhhh!!
Santa, make her my bride for Christmas,
Santa, it wouldn't cost very much.
It appears Santa works as a justice of the peace in his downtime. I'm going to wager he's a notary public, too. He might even be a CPA as well. Check him out at tax time!
Santa, if you will use your magic,
This Christmas Eve while I'm holding her tight,
Then I'll whisper the proper thing
And offer her the ring.
Please, Santa, make her my Christmas bride.
It's good to know that Santa throws caution to the wind when it comes people's romantic feelings. Is your girlfriend a little hesitant to walk down the aisle? Does she still have feelings for her ex? Santa can help with that.
But, wait, there's more!
Santa, make me his bride for Christmas.
Santa, it wouldn't cost very much,
Just a sprinkle of reindeer dust
A a sprig of mistletoe.
Oh, so she's willing to get married, too. Two consenting adults are willing to get hitched, and they need Santa's magic...because? They're both married to someone else? Are they cheating? Is this song about infidelity? We already know from I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus that Santa doesn't care about infidelity. How many ruined marriages must Santa be responsible for??
Song: Run, Rudolph, Run
Written by: Johnny Marks and Marvin Brodie
Sung by: Chuck Berry, then covered by anyone looking to sound "rocking" with their Christmas songs.
Rudolph is always being asked to do more than his fair share, and here it's no different.
Out of all the reindeer, you know you're the mastermind.
Run, run, Rudolph, Randalph ain't too far behind.
I don't know who this Randalph character is, but he can't be pleasant if Rudolph needs a heads-up by Chuck Berry to watch out.
Run, run, Rudolph, Santa's got to make it to town,
Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down.
What we learn from this is that Santa is a deadbeat who is perpetually late for everything if it weren't for Rudolph. But the real question here is why isn't Santa taking Santa Claus Lane to get where he needs to go? Is there traffic on it? Is the freeway quicker? But what about tolls? Does Santa have an EasyPass for those?
Said Santa to a boy child, "What have you been longing for?"
"All I want for Christmas is a rock and roll electric guitar."
And then away went Rudolph whizzing like a shooting star.
Possibly the only reference to "whizzing" in a Christmas song. But what's of note here is that Santa apparently doesn't bring the toys with him on his sleigh. Instead, he operates like a layaway at Kmart, with Rudolph fetching the merchandise.
Said Santa to a girl child, "What would please you most to get?"
"A little baby doll that can cry, sleep, drink, and wet."
And then away went Rudolph whizzing like a Saber jet.
Why, who wouldn't want to spend 24/7 with a doll that is crying and urinating on itself? Put me down for two of those. It's like having a real baby, without the potential of social services getting involved once you inevitably get bored from the whole experience.
Song: Dominick the Donkey
Written by: Richard Allen, Sam Saltzberg, and Lou Monte
Sung by: Lou Monte
As Americans, we quickly forget that Santa doesn't visit just us. He visits the world--or, really, anyone who's offering free cookies. And who doesn't love Italian cookies, eh??
Santa's got a little friend,
His name is Dominick.
The cutest little donkey,
You'll never see him kick.
When Santa visits his paisans,
With Dominick he'll be,
Because the reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy.
Outsourcing of jobs has even hit the reindeer employment industry. Here we thought the reindeer were Santa's main source of transport. Now, cheaper, smaller donkeys are taking over instead. Of course, Santa's excuse is that the reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy. Pssh, I thought the reindeer flew, Santa? Sounds like lies to me.
Jingle bells around his feet
And presents on the sled.
Hey, look at the mayor's derby
On top of Dominick's head.
A pair of shoes for Louie
And a dress for Josephine,
The labels on the inside
Say they're made in Bruccalin'. (Brooklyn)
Bringing shoes and clothes to the kids? Apparently Santa is a fashionista who demands haute couture clothing for small children. Really, Santa, I think you could've stayed home. Or call in Rudolph. I hear he can whizz on over to Kmart and pick up a crying, wetting dolly in a jiffy.
Song: We Need a Little Christmas
Written by: Jerry Herman
Sung by: Angela Lansbury originally, Percy Faith, Johnny Mathis
The holiday season can be very stressful. It can be even more stressful when you're on medication.
Haul out the holly.
Put out the tree before my spirit falls again.
I'm no doctor, but this sounds like manic depression. Super-amped highs followed by pronounced lows. What other symptoms can we decipher?
Fill up the stocking,
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now.
Deck the halls---again? You mean you already did it and you're going to start from scratch? Let's tack a little obsessive-compulsive disorder onto this diagnosis.
For I've grown a little leaner,
Grown a little colder,
Grown a little sadder,
Grown a little older.
Uh-oh, it appears we're coming off another high, folks. They've stopped eating and they're growing sadder. On top of that, they're growing colder, too. They've got hypothermic shock or a rare blood disease. Sounds like a visit to the emergency room is on tap for Christmas Eve.
Song: Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
Written by: Johnny Marks
Sung by: Gene Autry originally, followed by Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, The Crystals, The Jackson 5, etc., etc.
Johnny Marks was the writer behind the screwy Frosty the Snowman. But he got his start writing shady Christmas songs with Rudolph.
You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blizten.
No. No, I don't know them. I know of them, but I don't know them. Sorry. We've never had the pleasure of meeting and having a few drinks. I hear Vixen is a heartbreaker though.
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
Well, if this reindeer is so famous, how come there's a 50/50 shot I might have forgotten them? I shouldn't have to recall them now, should I?
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glows.
Is Johnny Marks taking us back to metaphors and euphemisms? Because a red nose is a delightful euphemism for a drinking problem. If Rudolph is hitting the sauce, you might as well just tell us straight out. Otherwise, we're talking about a birth defect. If that's the case, we need to bring attention to shiny red-nose-itis.
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games.
Just goes to prove that discrimination happens even at the North Pole. What's most damaging is that Santa seems to be turning a blind eye toward this. I'm not saying Santa is a bigot, just that--
Okay, yeah, I'm saying Santa is a bigot. But, hey, "bigot" is one of the words of the year!
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph, with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Ohhh, so when Santa needs something he's more than happy to pay some attention to Rudolph all of a sudden. Santa doesn't even say "please" either! That's Basic Manners 101.
Then all the reindeer loved him,
As they shouted out with glee,
"Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer,
You'll go down in history!"
What a fickle crowd! When Rudolph has a birth defect, everyone is on his case. But when the most popular guy in town--Santa--needs a bailout from Rudolph, well, everyone just loves the new celebrity, don't they?
I say Rudolph gives Santa the shaft and meets up with Frosty the Snowman. Frosty might have trouble finding a job once he gets out of prison, and Rudolph could use a bodyguard to keep all the good looking does at bay who are only after him for his new-found celebrity.
Not that I'm reading too much into it or anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment