Friday, December 25, 2009

Shady Christmas Songs: Part Two

Let's keep the holiday cheer going.

This season brings us a timeless supply of songs that continue to raise questions in their lyrics. As English majors, it's our job to blow the lid off the shady side of Christmas songs. You think it's all sleigh bells and reindeer? Oh, my friend, not quite. Why stop with the last post of Christmas songs? Let's keep the good times rolling.

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Song: It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas

Made most popular by: Perry Como, Bing Crosby, Johnny Mathis, and a few others.



Modern songs are so politically correct. Thankfully, Perry Como comes through with this gem. If there's anything that's been missing in Christmas songs, it's references to handguns. Amiright?

A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots
Is the wish of Barney and Ben

I like how Barney and Ben don't mess around with their wish list. Toys? Bo-o-o-oring. They don't want some pistol that's just for show. They want the real deal. Stealing lunch money will be so much easier this way. Ahh, they grow up so young.

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Song
: Do They Know It's Christmas?

Made most popular by
: Band Aid



Ahh, nothing like singing about famine to make you feel guilty for the fourth slice of pumpkin pie on Christmas night. Here Band Aid tries to raise awareness about famine in Africa and does a bang-up job about it.

This song's lyrics are fantastic for the clinically depressing angle we all hope to see in a Christmas song.

There's a world outside your window.
And it's a world of dread and fear.


Well, that's a tender image to paint. The agoraphobics listening to this must appreciate that little nugget.

Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears.
And the Christmas bells that ring there
Are the clanging chimes of doom.


Quite possibly the only reference to "doom" in a Christmas song. I don't know about you, but these lyrics are warming me up in the Christmas mood. It sounds like a post-apocalyptic society is ready to bust out of this song. Any minute now, Mad Max is going to show up and steal my gasoline, and then we're all going to burn some books and roast chestnuts by the fire.

Then Bono jumps in with the best line of all:

Well, tonight thank God it's them instead of you.


That's right. Let's throw a little xenophobia into our Christmas song. Those starving Africans this song was supposed to raise money for? Screw 'em! Thank God they're the ones starving and not us!

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Song: Christmas To Remember

Made most popular by: Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton



That's right. We're going country. I'm not afraid to touch this live wire.

This was sung back when Kenny Rogers could still blink. Here, the duet with Dolly takes on a saucy vibe, where they play two lovers who've just met while skiing.

And I had fantasized about a Christmas in this way,
Curled up by a fireplace in a Tahoe ski chalet,
With a fast talking lover and some sloooooooow burning wood,
But even in my wildest dreams it never got this good.

Whoa, simmer down there Dolly. Who do you think you're singing to? This is a country song--that means PG rated only. That doesn't stop Dolly from dropping double entendres to Kenny though. What's curious is that Kenny and Dolly's families have apparently deserted them. It's Christmas and they both end up bumming their ways to Tahoe to ski alone. That is, of course, until the fire--and Dolly's--embers get stoked. Family? What family?

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Song: Merry Christmas Darling

Made most popular by: The Carpenters



Taking a page out of Dolly's handbook, Karen Carpenter here sees Dolly's double-entendres and laughs at their subtlety.

The logs on the fire
fill me with desire.

Give me a second. She's alluding to something. Just give me a second to figure it out.

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Song: Bedtime for Toys

Made most popular by: Stevie Wonder



Are you a child hoping for Santa to come visit on Christmas Eve? Well, too bad. Because Stevie is giving you a heads-up that there's a 50/50 shot Santa will blow you off. Stevie is just giving it to you straight.

(speaking mid-song)
Ya know, every Christmas Santa Claus goes all over the world with his reindeer, sled,
and a big bag of toys and he'll come to your house this year too. But sometimes, just sometimes,
he doesn't have enough time to see every little boy and girl because the world is so big.
So maybe we should sing a song for all the children that Santa didn't visit.

Screw the whimsical side of Christmas. I like Stevie's straight-forward approach here. If you ask me, this seems like a little dig at Santa's reindeer. Santa can't get around the world in one night? Maybe Santa needs to lay off some slacking reindeer and find some that can actually do the job.

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Song: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Made most popular by: Perry Como, among others.



Surprisingly, Perry isn't asking if we hear gunshots going off from "It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas."

That doesn't stop the slightly bizarre lyrics from flowing.

Said the night wind to the little lamb:
Do you see what I see,
Way up in the sky, little lamb?
Do you see what I see?

Hold on. The wind is talking? In complete sentences? And apparently the wind also has the ability to see.

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy:
Do you hear what I hear?
Ringing through the sky, shepherd boy?
Do you hear what I hear?

Everyone knows that the only farm animals that speak are Babe the pig and Mr. Ed. How come lambs seem to clam up and not talk whenever I show up at a petting zoo then? They're a little anti-social it would appear. Well, excuuuuse me, little lamb. Next time I'm at a petting zoo let's see if I pay the 25 cents for grain to feed you if you're not going to talk to me.

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Song: Mrs. Santa Claus

Made most popular by: Nat King Cole



Nat paints a portrait of slave labor typically only seen in an Indonesian sweatshop.

Who feeds the reindeer all their hay?
Who wraps the gifts and packs the sleigh?
Who's helping Santa every day?
Mrs. Santa Claus.

What, did the elves go on strike? Are they taking an extra-long smoke break? Poor Mrs. Claus is cleaning out reindeer stalls for crying out loud!

Who keeps his red suit looking nice?
Who does he turn to for advice?
Who gives the brownies all their spice?
Mrs. Santa Claus.

Now the poor woman is not only operating a dry-cleaning business on the side, she's also a part-time therapist for the man. And when she has a few free minutes she's baking up some brownies with some extra spice. (Side note: what's in this "spice"? Maybe this is Mrs. Claus's way of payback?)

Who reads the notes from girls and boys?
Turns in the orders for their toys?
Who fills every wondrous heart with joys?
Mrs. Santa Claus.


Really, what's left for this poor women to do at the North Pole? She's a hot glue gun away from morphing into Martha Stewart before our very eyes. And it's definitely not a good thing.


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Song
: The Christmas Shoes

Made most popular by
: Newsong



The gift that keeps on giving: The Christmas Shoes.

We've got a kid, maybe 10 years old if we're lucky, shopping by himself on Christmas Eve. According to the lyrics:

Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously,
Pacing 'round like little boys do,
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe,
And when it came his time to pay,
I couldn't believe what I heard him say.


It sounds like even Pigpen needs to buy gifts. I just wonder what he bought Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

A few questions immediately come to mind: Where is this kid's dad? The boy is out shopping by himself on Christmas Eve (what a procrastinator!)--Mama is laid up sick, we get that--but Daddy is apparently at a liquor store or the bar, since he's nowhere to be seen. Why hasn't Social Services swung in to take this kid away?

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time.
You see, she's been sick for quite a while,
And I know these shoes would make her smile.
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.

If you ask me, nothing says "practical Christmas gift" for those dying quite like fashionable footwear. But where does Jesus get off requiring people to have stylish footwear as a requirement to swing into heaven? Last time I checked, Jesus hiked through the hillsides of the Middle East wearing sandals. And we're not even talking Birkenstocks. We're talking Wal-Mart-esque variety sandals.

Not only that, but Jesus apparently needs Mama to look smoking hot upon arrival. I didn't know heaven was like a Boston night club. St. Peter must be a bouncer. Jesus is turning out to be the George Clooney of spiritual deities. Who knew??


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And until next season...enjoy your song lyrics. Just keep in mind that Frosty the Snowman isn't what he appears.
I'll save that until next season though.

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