The Seedy Side to Holiday Songs.

Let's talk holiday song lyrics.

If you've turned on the radio within the past month, you hear them. Incessant replays of the same forty or so Christmas/holiday songs. Yet many of these songs were written showing a shady side to the whimsical side of Christmas. There's a list of questions many of these songs don't answer with their lyrics.

That means it's time to shine a light on the unspoken side of Christmas song lyrics.

Song: Santa Bring My Baby Back (to Me)

Made most popular by: Elvis Presley

We all know Elvis had a crazy side to him. The man loved shooting out television sets whenever Robert Goulet showed up on it. (That's understandable. It was Robert Goulet after all.)

Santa Bring My Baby Back (to Me) is quite possibly the most dangerous song out there. The entire song's plot in essence: Elvis asks Santa Claus to bring back some random "baby." No matter which way you look at it, this song paints either Elvis or Santa Claus as a shady character. There's one of two possibilities:

1.) Santa Claus apparently does a little bounty hunting work on the side, especially during the downtime between Christmases. So, Elvis asks Santa to get around a possible court-ordered restraining order and bring his ex-girlfriend back to him.

or

2.) Santa kidnaps small babies from famous celebrities.

Song: Little Drummer Boy

Made most popular by: The Harry Simeone Chorale, followed by countless remakes.

I like this little drummer boy's moxie. He's got a brand new drum kit for Christmas and he's looking for someone who won't tell him to stop his racket. There's nothing quite like playing for a captive audience in the form of a small newborn baby. With underdeveloped legs, that baby isn't going anywhere, no matter how much ba-rump-a-pum-pumming is going on.

You have to question the parenting skills of Mary and Joseph though. What parent allows loud music to be played around a newborn? The lyrics state that "Mary nodded" in approval, which implicates her in allowing this go on. Now, listen here, Mary. I love this little Keith Moon-wannabe as much as the next person. Still, you might want to lay off the musical theatrics until the newborn babe is a little bit older.

Song: Baby, It's Cold Outside

Made most popular by: Dean Martin, followed by countless remakes.

Nothing warms the heart quite like listening to a budding sexual assault. Now, I don't mean to claim Dean Martin is a budding predator, but the lyrics make it sound like he's two minutes away from having a police sting bust through the front door. The object of his desire continually says "No, no, no," to which Dino ignores her again and again and again. At one point the woman exclaims, "Say, what's in this drink?!" Sounds to me like rohypnol, lady. Roofies! Get out while you can!

Song: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Made most popular by: Perry Como, The Jackson 5, etc.

Sure, you say it's a case of mistaken identity. Santa Claus is just daddy, right? Well, where's your evidence??

Our only evidence is the eyewitness testimony of the singer of the song. His lyrics seem pretty concrete to me. He wakes up on Christmas Eve. He stumbles downstairs to see what's going on. Next thing you know, he catches an eyeful of Mommy and Santa getting frisky under the mistletoe. The little boy even sings, "She didn't hear me creep down the stairs to have a peek." Clearly Mommy is swooning under the allure of Santa Claus that she doesn't even hear her son eyeballing the action.

No one comes out of this song looking like a choir boy. We've got infidelity in the form of Santa Claus, who's stepping-out on Mrs. Claus while he whisks himself around the world. He's like the Tiger Woods of the holidays. Then we've got this here Mommy, who clearly is cheating on Daddy while Daddy is probably fast asleep upstairs. In the Jackson 5 version of the song, the little boy claims he's "going to tell my dad." Clearly, this is a child of high moral standing. If you ask me, you don't snitch on Santa Claus if he's bringing you free toys. This little boy feels differently though. Meanwhile, in the Perry Como version, the little boy says "I've got a secret. Na-na-na-na-na-naaah!" Hey, kid, no one likes people keeping secrets. That's how trouble starts.

Sadly, we don't get the lyrics to the train wreck of a Christmas morning that's sure to ensue once Daddy finds out about Mommy's infidelity. Maybe it'll be on a future episode of COPS.

Song: Here Comes Santa Claus

Made most popular by: Gene Autry, Elvis Presley

One of the crazier Christmas songs going. Apparently there's a mysterious "Santa Claus Lane" that Santa has exclusive access to whenever he comes to town. Maybe this is some sort of Autobahn-esque super-highway. It's not clear. It sounds like a carpool lane, just more privileged.

The lyrics go on to state that you better "say your prayers, 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight." Sounds to me like Santa has a temper. Usually you only hear such threats in a Martin Scorsese flick, as if Santa is part of the Gambino crime family.

Song: Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

Made most popular by: The Jackson 5, Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, Mariah Carey, countless others.

You better watch out.
You better not cry.

You better not pout,
I'm telling you why.

Forget the last song. Here's where Santa is painted as a man of vigilante justice. No Christmas song offers more threats-per-minute quite like Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.

He's making a list.
He's checking it twice.
Gonna find out

Who's naughty and nice.

Geez, simmer down there, pops. No need to start taking names. They're only children!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake.

That last line sounds like a plea from someone who's met Santa's brand of justice first-hand. Seems to me like Santa has broken some noses before. Maybe that's why he wears red. Hides the evidence.

This is also the song where we learn Santa is a voyeur. He's watching people while they're sleeping after all. How come he gets a pass on this? If I started watching random people sleeping in their own homes, I'd be doing 10-15 years at Bridgewater State Prison.

Song: Holly Jolly Christmas

Made most popular by: Burl Ives

I don't know if there'll be snow.
But have a cup of cheer.

Burl cuts to the chase in this song. He can't tell you much, but he's quite sure you should be drinking.

And when you walk down the street
Say hello to friends you know,
And everyone you meet.

Well, if you listen to Burl's advice about the "cheer" you should be drinking, your inhibitions should be down. You'll be friendly at least.

Ho-ho, the mistletoe,
Hung where you can see.
Somebody waits for you.
Kiss her once for me.

Hey, hey, Burl. It's not my fault if she doesn't find you attractive. Leave the kissing to consenting adults.

Song: Silver and Gold

Made most popular by: Burl Ives

Silver and gold.
Silver and gold.
Everyone wishes for silver and gold.
How do you measure its worth

Just by the pleasure it gives here on Earth?

Maybe Burl is the reason gold prices have skyrocketed in the past couple of years. He's as bad in this song as any CNBC talking head telling you to buy various stocks. Sounds to me like he's a shill for the jewelry industry.

Silver and gold,

Silver and gold,
Mean so much more when I see
Silver and gold decorations
On every Christmas tree.

What in god's name is he decorating his tree with? Maybe he and Martha Stewart can go all out with their decorations by using precious metals. I'm poor. I'll buy the value pack of decorations at Target, thanks.

Song: Home for the Holidays

Made most popular by: Perry Como

Either AAA is behind this song, or Perry Como accepted bribe money under the table from auto manufacturers.

From Pennsylvania folks are traveling
down to Dixie's sunny shore.
From Atlantic to Pacific,
Geez, the traffic is terrific!

Did Perry Como ever, you know, drive in a car more than two miles?? Really. You're not moving for hours at a time leading up to the holidays. Highways are parking lots. And good luck if it snows. You're going to need the National Guard to come and rescue you.

Oh, but don't let Perry steer you wrong! He's never met a traffic jam! Apparently he lives with the Jetsons and can just whoosh right over that in his jet car.

Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays,
'Cause no matter how far away you roam,
If you want to be happy in a million ways,
For the holidays you can't beat home sweet home.

Perry apparently never talked politics over the dinner table at the holidays. Family members are liable to pull a butter knife on each other if things get ugly. Or maybe that's just my own family. We're a peppy group like that.