Showing posts with label Virginia is for lovers of bad writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Virginia is for lovers of bad writing. Show all posts

Friday, January 17, 2020

Teens take over 70 books from a Little Free Library. Library owner wants them back.



Little Free Libraries are all the rage these days in cities large and small. Much like the "leave-a-penny, take-a-penny" trays at grocery stores, the ubiquitous and squat book abodes offer passersby the chance to leave books or take books freely.

Caroline Barnes of Portsmouth, VA, has one such Little Free Library outside her home. She apparently only has the latest hot page-turners, as local teenagers "stole" over 70 books one night recently.

There's the rub, though. It's a Little Free Library after all. You know, the whole "free" angle.

"We put this stamp in the books that says, 'Always a gift, never for sale'," Barnes told local news station WTKR.

But earlier this week her video doorbell caught the teenagers grabbing everything they could get their hands on.

As she told WTKR, "We heard them a little on the video say, 'We are going to sell these,' and and I thought, 'You are stinkers,'" she said.




Well, they might be stinkers, but they're literate entrepreneurial stinkers. Barnes showed the video to her local police, who broke the news to her that law enforcement can't do anything because--uhh, well---you can't "steal" if it's offered for "free."

Also, this being the Commonwealth of Virginia, this means some of the books "stolen" were also Bibles.

"We are hoping maybe they are using some of it for moral guidance because they sure need it," Barnes told the news station, seemingly still unaware how free things logically can't be stolen.

Unless when God said "Thou Shall Not Steal," there was some fine print we all missed about free books not being free.



Tuesday, April 26, 2016

"Schoolie McSchoolface" should be the name of a Texas elementary school.




The Austin, TX, school district recently decided to rename the Robert E. Lee Elementary School. This being Texas, people built themselves into a lather over such a decision, despite the small fact that the Confederacy lost the war and all. Nothing says 'Merica! like naming a school after someone who failed. Bonus points for racial undertones, too.

An open call for a new school name was held and the public responded with alternatives. The list includes--but is not limited to--the following fine, classy, and verbatim selections:

Austin Taliban Elementary School
Ayn Rand Elementary
Bleeding Heart Liberal Elementary
Adolf Hitler School for Friendship and Tolerance (eight nominations)
Bruce Lee Elementary (three nominations)
Communist Elementary
Drew Brees Elementary (three nominations)
Dwayne Johnson Elementary School
Flava Flav Elementary
Forgetting Your Past Dooms You to Repeat It Elementary
Generic School Name
Hypothetical Perfect Person Memorial Elementary School
IGNORANCE IS BLISS ELEMENTARY
James Earl Ray Elementary School
Jefferson Davis Elementary (three nominations)
John Cena Elementary School
Kanye West Elementary (two nominations)
Kim Il-Sung High School (two nominations)
Leadership & Excellence in Education (LEE)
Lee Elementary (thirteen nominations)
Lil Jon Elementary
Malcolm X (two nominations)
Nathan Bedford Forrest Elementary School (two nominations)
Neil deGrasse Tyson
O.J. Simpson Elementary
Pat Tillman Elementary School (four nominations)
Politically Correct Elementary School #1
Raul Castro Elementary
Revisionist Elementary School
Richard Pryor Elementary (six nominations)
Rudolf Hess Primary
School of Progressive and Socialist Studies
Schoolie McSchoolface
Schooly McSchoolerson (two nominations)
Schooly McSchoolerton
Spike Lee Elementary (four nominations)
Texas Declaration of Independence
The Elementary School Formerly Known as Robert E. Lee (two nominations)
The Illuminati
The Rubber Duckies
Traitor
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin Elementary School
Werner von Braun Institute of Science and Technology
Willie Nelson Elementary (two nominations)

There were other random nominees as well, including a shoutout to Appamattox Court House--located in Virginia, mind you--where the Civil War ended, except the individual who nominated the historic building spelled it "Appamaattox." Admittedly, it's easy to get carried away with double letters.

The big winner was Donald J. Trump Elementary with 45 nominations. Harper Lee, related in name only to General Lee and native of Alabama and New York, neither of which was Texas last anyone checked a map, came in fourth place with 30 nominations.

No final decision has been made, but I think the country and Texans alike can come together over Schoolie McSchoolface. It conjures images of a cartoon character and a McDonald's Happy Meal. And isn't that what American education is really all about?




Monday, February 1, 2016

Formerly closed Sweet Briar College is not only operating, it's growing.





Sweet Briar sounds like it should be the name to a long lost Ben & Jerry's flavor. It feels graham cracker based, something with a raspberry or strawberry swirl. Mmm, tasty Sweet Briar!

Except Sweet Briar is apparently a community located in Virginia, one completely lacking in ice cream deliciousness. It is also home to Sweet Briar College, a single sex school of 250 students and 100 faculty that announced in March of 2015 that it would close its doors at the end of the summer session due to huge financial burdens. This impending doom brought alumnae, students, and faculty together to refashion the school. Out went the board and president. In came new blood.

It worked. Things came around. According to USA Today, Sweet Briar College announced that 1,099 prospective students have applied to the school this year, up from 751 in 2015. Money is flowing in. Things are looking up.

Tony Lilly, a Sweet Briar English professor, is hopeful. "There is a sense of security, but I think that’s tempered by an acute sense of the precariousness of liberal arts education in general," says Lilly. "I think one of the lessons [...] is that if it can happen to Sweet Briar it can happen to anybody."

So you're saying Sweet Briar flavored ice cream could still happen then? That's how I'm reading all this.




Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Where Dead Writers Reside, Part Eight: Truman Capote, Dylan Thomas, Paul Laurence Dunbar, Willa Cather,



It's October, and that requires obligatory Halloween-inspired posts. And nothing is more obligatorily macabre than looking at the tombstones of those who have died.

Every year we do this. Now through Halloween we'll occasionally post collections of tombstones to see where famous writers are hanging out today.

Today: Truman Capote, James Baldwin, Paul Laurence Dunbar, Willa Cather


Truman Capote:

I actually have 1/2 of Capote's ashes, too!

Truman Capote got by in life on three things: a unique name, drug/alcohol addiction, and verbally clawing the eyes out of almost every writer that existed during his time. (Gore Vidal was a popular target. But it was Gore Vidal after all.)

Capote had a whirlwind life. Crazy parents, an early life being neighbors with Harper Lee, vagabond teen years, time working at The New Yorker, pissing off Robert Frost*, fame and notoriety, friendships with a cast of characters (like Andy Warhol), and a liver that was a beast all kept Capote going into his 50s.

Then the liver gave out. He officially died of liver cancer at the age of 59, although a coroner's report claimed there was a fantastic concoction of drugs in his system, too, which didn't help matters.

Tombstone Notes:
Capote's life was timid compared to afterlife. Shortly after dying he was cremated, with his ashes potentially split between two individuals--Jack Dunphy and Joanne Carson (the ex-wife of Johnny Carson). Except maybe not. Dunphy claimed he received all of the ashes, not half. Carson, meanwhile, said she kept her share of ashes in an urn in the room where Capote died.

When in doubt, claim you have some of the ashes.
In 1988, Carson claimed her ashes were stolen, along with $200,000 in jewels. Capote's ashes were later returned, hidden in a coiled-up hose in the backyard of Carson's home. A year later, the ashes were nearly stolen again during a dinner party. Cremated remains = hot commodity.

After Dunphy died in 1992, he was cremated as well. It took two years, but in 1994 Dunphy's ashes were taken with his own alleged stash of leftover Capote, and both scattered in various spots of water around New York.

All we really know for certain are two things: Capote bought a crypt at Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery in Los Angeles, where maybe no one is buried, and Dunphy had a memorial stone placed at one location where someone's ashes were tossed about.



Dylan Thomas:


Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage our next literary alcoholic, Dylan Thomas!

Nothing much of note has ever really come from Wales, especially on the writing front. A Welsh person will rattle off twenty names for you, half of which sound like real names--but there's not a chance you've ever read anything by them. That is, of course, unless Dylan Thomas is mentioned.

Thomas wasn't a stellar student, and largely did nothing of note academically--yet he wrote poetry feverishly. In his teen years he gained some small popularity, and built a reputation off that. He also gained an appetite for smoking and drinking, and built a bigger reputation off those.

Writing doesn't pay terribly well, and it didn't pay much back in the 1940s and '50s. As a result, Thomas often embarked on reading tours to generate more money. It was on one of these reading tours of America that Thomas, while looking ill to everyone he encountered, went out drinking in New York City. After spending all night at the White Horse Tavern in Greenwich Village, Thomas went back to his hotel and loudly proclaimed, "I've had 18 straight whiskeys! I think that's the record!"

He spent the next couple days still drinking, before falling even more ill. Eventually he ended up in the hospital and died within the week. Pneumonia was the official cause of death, with pressure on the brain and a fatty liver contributing.

Note to self: Quit at 17 straight whiskeys.

Tombstone Notes:
Wales isn't known for its writers, and it isn't known for stylish looking tombstones.

Thomas is buried in the over-spill graveyard of St. Martin's Church, Laugharne, Dyfed, Wales, under a simple white cross with garish writing from someone we can only assume just started out with amateur calligraphy. Although bonus point for trying to squeeze "memory" in diagonally on the cross and putting his name off-center.



Paul Laurence Dunbar:


Good news! Dunbar eschewed the trend of trying to kill himself via addiction!

The bad news? Death gets us all in the end.

Dunbar lived a short life, but a life packed with a vast amount of publications, from poetry to novels to short stories. Born of two former slaves--including a father who joined the Massachusetts 55th Infantry Regiment (the second all-black infantry in America's history, after the 54th Regiment portrayed in the movie Glory)--Dunbar had the stereotypical childhood all writers hope to have.

Unhappily married parents? Check.

Divorced parents? Check.

Dad dying while Dunbar still a kid? Check.

Off and running with the sad story, Dunbar didn't allow it to keep his ambitions down. By the age of 16, he started publishing poems. Yet, despite initial luck in being published, he still lacked fame. That is until William Dean Howells, editor of The Atlantic Monthly and author himself, gave rave reviews to the young poet.

Throughout his 20s Dunbar gained popularity, so much so that he toured Europe to read his work. But it generally went downhill after that. By the age of 27, Dunbar was diagnosed with tuberculosis and advised by doctors to go to Colorado for the dry air, and to drink whisky to alleviate his symptoms. (Oh, no...) Dunbar and his wife started to drift apart because of his dependence on alcohol (...not again!...), and they separated.

At the age of 33, his health damaged even further from his addiction to whisky (...this wasn't supposed to be about booze!...), Dunbar died, officially, from his bout of tuberculosis (...but alcohol won again).

Tombstone Notes:
Buried in his hometown of Dayton, OH, Dunbar's tombstone includes a plaque bolted to a giant, irregular boulder. On the plaque is a verse of his poetry written in what was called "Negro dialect" of the antebellum south.

The verse is about death, just to really drive the point home.



Willa Cather:


This time, I promise, a writer who didn't find friendship at the bottom of a bottle. I swear.

In fact, compared to most, Cather's life was downright homey and lovely. Born to two stable parents, her family initially lived in Virginia. Before her 10th birthday, with a father fearing tuberculosis running rampant throughout the region (hello, Paul Laurence Dunbar!), the Cathers picked up stakes and moved to Nebraska.

It's in Nebraska that young Willa Cather became affected by the sprawling land and unique personalities. As a freshman at the University of Nebraska, she intended to go into medicine and become a physician--but a publication of an essay in the Nebraska State Journal convinced Cather she could write. She'd end up graduating with a B.A. in English.

As the years passed, success found her. Short stories, magazine articles, and novels came forth, as did awards like the Pulitzer Prize. She never married, instead living with a female friend for most of her life, especially after moving to New York City.

Nothing major afflicted Cather as she aged into her 70s, although biographies note her health faded for nondescript reasons. Death isn't nondescript though, as Cather died from a cerebral hemorrhage.

Take THAT, alcohol!

Tombstone Notes:
In a great bait-and-switch, Cather was buried in Jaffrey, NH, in a plot beside her longtime friend. Why Jaffrey? Cather was one of the few people in American history who could handle stepping foot into New Hampshire often, and traveled to Jaffrey later in life to write in silence.

The tombstone includes a passage from her novel My Antonia: "...that is happiness; to be dissolved
into something complete and great."

Dissolve. Kind of ghoulish. But I guess "ashes to ashes, dust to dust"...




*Capote vs. Frost:
Capote, while young, largely unknown, and still working at The New Yorker, went to Vermont for vacation--yet he was violently ill with flu. Frost, while old, largely famous worldwide, and still writing poetry, went to the hotel where Capote was staying to give a reading.

Knowing he was from The New Yorker, the hotel manager convinced Capote to attend Frost's reading, which he did. After a short while, and feeling sickly, Capote stood up and started to leave the room. Frost, indignant, allegedly threw a book of poetry at Capote as he exited.

The next day, Frost contacted the editors at The New Yorker and asked, "Who the hell is this Truman Capote, anyway?"

Capote, later in life, described Frost as "the meanest man who ever drew breath, an old fake dragging around with a shaggy head of hair and followed by pathetic old ladies from the Middle West."

Admittedly, Frost did have one hell of a head of hair.



Sunday, October 18, 2015

Thomas Jefferson-designed chemistry lab unearthed at University of Virginia




Thomas Jefferson was a man of many talents, and building design was one such talent.

Dating from the 1820s, a "chemical hearth" with links to Jefferson has been unearthed at the University of Virginia during a renovation project at the school's rotunda.

The university, founded by the former president in 1819, had its science building built during the 1820s under Jefferson's designs and supervision. So that water needn't be pumped to the upper floors of the building, Jefferson wrote a letter detailing the designs intended for the classroom:


"For the Professor of Chemistry, such experiments as require the use of furnaces, cannot be exhibited in his ordinary lecturing room,"Jefferson wrote. "We therefore prepare the rooms under the oval rooms of the ground floor of the Rotunda for furnaces, stoves &c. These rooms are of 1,000 square feet area each."


Jefferson died in 1826, while the walls to the hearth were sealed shut in the mid-1800s. Curiously enough, when a fire ruined most of the building in 1895, the hearth, being walled off, remained untouched--yet still forgotten. It remained unknown during a previous major renovation in the 1970s.

Until now, that is. Since most hearths of the era have been destroyed, finding one still intact--and connected to American history--is, as Matt Schiedt, project manager of the restoration at the rotunda says, "unique."

Jefferson's varied "unique"ness is why we always say, "What the hell did Millard Fillmore do again?" to this day.



Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Man pulls gun on elementary school kids because they made fun of his Confederate flag bumper sticker.


Joshua P. Dalton was driving his pickup truck in Virginia Beach, VA, when he had to stop behind a school bus unloading children.

Some children who got off of the bus immediately turned around and told the driver Dalton was aiming a gun at them.

The driver returned the children to the school and alerted authorities.

According to police, Dalton aimed the gun at the children after they made fun of a Confederate flag bumper sticker on his pickup.

He was arrested, charged with two misdemeanor counts of brandishing a firearm, and released on bond.

No word on what exactly the students said, but something along the lines of we're actually educating ourselves  or  you guys lost might have done the trick.




As a fun game, re-read the above story and count how many stereotypes about the south you can detect. If by the end of re-reading it you aren't humming the Dukes of Hazzard theme song, you're not trying hard enough.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Virginia teacher channels his inner Yosemite Sam.

Manuael Ernest Dillow likes to keep the classroom environment exciting. So the teacher at an Abingdon, VA, vocational school lined up students from his shop class and thought it would be a good idea to pull the trigger of a blank-firing handgun a number of times, firing-squad style, at them.

Because if you can't pretend to do a little Gestapo-like mass-murdering among friends, when can you?

Not surprisingly, Dillow won't be teaching any more shop classes at the school. He was arrested.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Virginia history textbooks don't let pesky facts get in the way.


Virginia has a snafu on their hands.

"Our Virginia: Past and Present" is a history book used in 4th grade classes throughout Virginia--and the only history it uses is of the revisionist kind.

According to The Washington Post, the textbook says thousands of black men fought for the Confederates in the Civil War. In case you haven't heard, there was this little event called "slavery," and slavery doesn't usually lead to those same men picking up arms to fight for the right to be slaves. Crazy, right?

The entire Civil War in Virgina received a face-lift, according to Live Science. "Our Virginia" teaches:

a.) ..."more than 6,000 men" were killed/wounded/went missing at the two Battles of Bull Run, when actually 22,000 met that fate. Granted, my sharp math skills tell me 22,000 > 6,000.

b.) ...the Battle of Bull Run happened in 1862, when it happened a year earlier.

c.) ...that slavery was banned in January 1865, when it wasn't officially banned until December.

The writer of the textbook, Joy Masoff, says she used internet research for her facts--which included The Sons of the Confederacy website. Masoff is also quoted as saying, "I stand by what I write...I'm a fairly respected writer."

"I'm a fairly respected writer"? Wow, she can't quit revising the facts, can she?